Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like in the past decade or so, Rolls-Royce has gone from being an affably unobtainable bit of tweedy British automotive refinement to a strange sort of wealth-worshipping dream factory. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing! When Rolls-Royce reminded the world that they are not, in fact, the Taste Police (I believe that is a NGO, or something) I took that to be a positive, as it means rich people have an outlet to express their most bonkers of ideas, providing the world some respite from the plague of boring, cookie-cutter rich-guy cars. That said, Rolls also manages to build things that feel like their entire purpose is to be expensive as hell, and that’s it.
Oh, and Rolls-Royce can be insufferable when they actually talk about the cars they make, or when they issue press releases where they metaphorically slip on gloves of the finest silks and thinly-sliced Nova Scotia salmon, and then proceed to vigorously and relentlessly jerk themselves off, writing press releases with copy like this:
Rolls-Royce’s disruptive alter ego, Black Badge, reached its apotheosis in Cullinan where its assertive and uncompromising attitude appeals to clients who seek the boldest forms of self-expression. Today, the marque presents a clear evolution of this subversive motor car with Black Badge Cullinan Series II.
…and then they make little videos like this:
It’s all so very much. Yes, very subversive, buying a really expensive luxury SUV. A rebellious act on par with self-immolation. These people are the true heroes.
Well, now it seems that Rolls-Royce has decided their colossal vats of raw, distilled elegance and luxury and refinement are nearly overflowing, so they need a new outlet, before those vats explode and everyone for miles around the factory starts to painstakingly perforate ornate yet modernly geometric deigns into swatches of aged quail-leather or whatever. Thankfully, they seem to have found that outlet, and it’s absurdly expensive chess sets:
Oh jeez. Also, could that dude move any slower? What’d they do to this guy, pump him up full of ‘ludes and starch the shit out of his suit? Here are the bullet points Rolls-Royce gives for their new board game, based on a thousands-of-years-old board game:
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Rolls-Royce presents the Chess Set, designed to be enjoyed in clients’ homes
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Opens in a single theatrical motion, echoing the sense of occasion of a Rolls-Royce
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Features hidden drawers and sculptural, ceramic-coated magnetised pieces
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Crafted with meticulous attention to detail; the result of one year of design, engineering and experimentation
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Available in four veneer finishes, with a choice of 13 leather colours
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Celebrates and elevates the strategy game enjoyed by many Rolls-Royce clients
Designed to be “enjoyed in clients’ homes?” What a fantastic idea! Imagine! Playing chess in a home! Like a sultan, or something! What a world!
Actually, I guess that just means they don’t want you playing this in their cars, for some reason. And look, this took a whole year of design, engineering, and experimentation. I guess all the engineering was for how it slooooowwwwwllllyyyyy opens up and presents the pieces, giving that “sense of occasion” everybody loves so damn much.
You can pick your leather colors for the chess set, too:
Clients can select from 13 Rolls-Royce leather colours — Cashmere Grey, Phoenix Red, Charles Blue, Forge Yellow, Iceland Moss, Scivaro Grey, Arctic White, Havana, Tailored Purple, Mandarin, Peony Pink, Black, and Lime Green
What’s the rule in chess? Iceland Moss always gets the first turn? Is that right?
Yes, this is a lovely chess board, and it is full of drama and occasion and whatever. Fine. No mention is made of how much it costs, of course, but chances are excellent that if most of us were to hear the price, we would involuntarily eject a small amount of urine into our underpants.
The pieces are lovely, sure, striking, even, reminding me of what Reykjavik’s Hallgrímskirkja cathedral might look like, were it transformed into a chess set via some manner of magic ham or something. But this whole thing is just too precious by half, and it’s not even close to being anywhere near the coolest chess sets. The magnets Rolls-Royce is so damn proud of (they went through six different kinds to find just the right one, after all) aren’t even doing anything cool, and I say this because there are chess sets that do cool things with magnets.
Back in 1983, a company named Milton Bradley, makers of such bespoke luxury items that also “inspire greatness” like Mouse Trap, introduced a chess set called Electronic Grandmaster where magnets were used to move the computer-controlled pieces, as if by telekenisis!
Just look:
Sure, they’re kind of expensive on eBay, going for between $400-$1,000, but I’m going to guess that such prices are a tiny fraction of whatever Rolls-Royce is charging for their chess set, which, again, they’re not telling us.
There are also companies that make the robotic, invisible-hand-type chess sets new, and they go for between $500 and $600. And I still think for impress-your-guests value, the self-moving chessboard does about as much as the Rolls one, and is arguably more fun.
Sure, those pieces don’t have the artistic gravity of the Rolls-Royce one, but you could, say, hire a local ceramics artist or woodworker to make you a really bespoke chess set, if you wanted to. You could likely combine custom pieces with the board of one of the magnetic self-moving sets, too, if you really wanted to spend some money, and I suspect that would still be vastly cheaper than the Rolls-Royce one.
If you really need a car-based chess set and don’t have black market kidney money to blow, there are plenty of options! You can buy sets made from actual car parts, or, hell, if you want to do this even cheaper, you can make your own chess set from Hot Wheels or 3D print your own pieces, like this Volkswagen-themed set!
Anyway, another bang-up job, Rolls-Royce. It’s nice of you to give more options for people to shout their wealth even during those unfortunate times when you’re not next to your car, gesturing subtly but relentlessly to the Spirit of Ecstasy on your grille.
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I only play Chess with a Bauhaus set.
Thick as a Brick comes to mind easily here.
No wise men involved though…
Should have offered the Holy Hand Grenade option instead.
In the end, the King and the pawn go back in the same box.
Being in the same container does not necessitate equality. After all in real life kings and stable boys shared the same castle walls with no equality whatsoever.
Don’t companies like Rolls-Royce make a huge part of their money from licensing their likeness?
I think the important thing to bring from the design and sales of the chess game is while they will proudly sell you an over priced car with under pinnings older than any Stellantis automobile like any good footman they will willingly pimp themselves out to their masters for a few quid.
Please ask them why it’s so depressingly ugly.
Wait, their car is literally named the BBC Series II? Yeah, I bet it reached its apotheosis with an assertive and uncompromising attitude.
Hope that BBC piece doesn’t take the queen
You low lifes. This is the perfect companion to my $5000 floating turntable.
Pfft, $5,000 is the minimum you’d pay for one of four audiophile stabiliser feet for the turn table. Don’t be cheap. It’s vulgar.
Don’t forget the 0 ga 100% platinum speaker cables absolutely NEEDED to faithfully reproduce every hiss and pop on those records!
And $27,000 power cable for optimal sound stage!
(That’s a real thing)
Only $27k?
I’ll take 5!
https://www.thecableco.com/catalog/product/view/id/16957/s/royal-triple-crown-power-cord/category/85/
Crazy!
I suppose this has another of highest caches of luxury going for it, in that it is very obviously a chess set that will never be used. Why? Because the pieces are barely distinguishable from one another. The knight alone is obvious, but the rooks, bishops, and pawns are all too close to each other, and fuck you if the king and queen are not right next to one another.
You know why the traditional chess set is traditional? Because it fucking works. All of the pieces are obvious and distinct at a glance.
0/10, would not buy at a thrift store.
It’s not to play chess it is too display it mid game to show you play chess. With all the interbreeding among the British upper crust the mental acuity has fallen.
I thought of making a chess set based on my animal books, but I remembered that I don’t really like playing chess all that much. Then I also remembered what happened after I designed a set of playing cards for my BiL. Everyone complained at poker night because I used different suits based on his likes (FFS, they just have to match!) and I turned the Jacks into Dukes/Duchesses (one for each of my two nieces and two nephews) and that D instead of a J was apparently far too confusing.
Becoming a “lifestyle brand” is a good way to extract more money from customers and wannabe customers. A pretentious chess set is in keeping with BMW Rolls-Royce’s current practice of wealth flaunting where traditional R-R was more discreet.
My favorite oddball brand extension is Glock’s horse breeding business, http://www.ghpc.at/at/aktuelles/details/article/der-neue-glock-hengstkatalog-ist-online/?no_cache=1&cHash=b58be40410c540dc902286d679b70e1c since Mitsubishi stopped building battleships in 1945.
How long before they start slapping the Rolls-Royce name on condos and hotels?
Signature Collection by Rolls-Royce South Miami Beach Suites & Villas or Rolls-Royce Residences Khan Yunis
I’m waiting for a set of Trucknuts each supporting a proud R to show my truck is a RR of hillbilly trucks.
Why wait?
I bet Ferrari and Harley Davidson make as much (or more) money from merch and licensing as from selling actual vehicles.
Harley-Davidson is definitely a clothing company with a motorcycle division. The Harley-Davidson Barbie was the jump the shark moment
The Rolls-Royce Chess set, aka “Salt-N-Pepa’s Here!” aka “Spy-vs-Spy Redux” aka Blackkkchessmen.
This seems like it would be bought by someone who uses a lot of chess metaphors without actually knowing how to play chess.
Agree to disagree.
Well I think they finally figured out if you make it so rare and unobtainable you don’t make any money. There is a reason there are a billion McDonald’s and Chef Gordon Ramsey only has like 12 restaurants. Oh and McDonald’s makes trillions and fancy Michelin star restaurants fail like Lucas electrical work
I’m definitely in the “hate the game” camp. Rolls-Royce ain’t forcing anyone to buy this, just grifting people with too much wealth; that’s something we can all aspire to!
“quail leather”
Perfect.
I prefer Unicorn Leather but quail is fine for the masses.
I’ll have to one up you. I prefer Dragon penis leather.
And that’s ignoring the vomiting.
You know what this does better than a nice set that uses normal pieces? It moves money from the absurdly wealthy to Rolls-Royce. That’s it. It’s arguably worse for playing chess (not that anyone buys it to actually use). While the pieces aren’t the most egregiously non-standard pieces I have seen (novelty sets based on popular IP can be worse), they definitely slow identification. And some angles will be really bad (the knight is definitely not obvious from behind).
I feel like almost any amount of urine in your underpants is significant after a certain age. And, I guess, before another certain age.
“How old are you?”
“Old enough not to piss my pants and young enough not to piss my pants. But have you seen the price on this Rolls-Royce chess set?!”
Yes I have when I saw the price I pissed my pants
And quite frankly they make 3 dimensional chess impossible. You’d think with tech bros money out there they’d think of Star Trek fans
Any chess set where the knights aren’t riding real horses and the rooks aren’t actual castles is a chess set for the poors.
I bet they used magnets so you can play this on the bus, or in your hovel that vibrates as the trains go past.
The silk glove and salmon statement is both incredibly hilarious and terrifyingly specific. It raises….questions? Questions I’m not sure I actually want to ask anyone. Thanks for writing exactly how you do Torch. You bring many smiles. We are grateful for it.
Torch has had the unsettlingly specific imagery on lox for years now.
Remind me never to eat the cream cheese at his house or any Autopian events.
I bet the secret ingredient is bourbon vanilla.
Spread it on graham crackers.
Next up: Lox in a bathtub
Shower spaghetti.
But how was the shrimp cocktail MachE frunk?
You’re a peach!
The pawns look like salt and pepper shakers. Also being on the chess team in highschool anything besides a normal chess set bugs me as I hate trying figure out which piece is which.
Luckily these are going to solely be display pieces, possibly in a room with lots of leatherbound books that have never been opened by the current owner, but damn they sure look impressive.
I bet you could glue the pieces down and no one would realize it for years except the maid.
Am I the only one that misses the taste police? Give me old money any day. Drive an older MB, BMW, RR, etc because it is the “best” car ever made and will run ’till the end of time with proper care. Luxury is construction, real materials and detail craftsmanship – not frippery that will be obsolete in 2 years.
As a kid a neightbor had a late ’60s Mercedes, I rode in it a few times and you knew the real quality instantly, even at 8 or so. Real wood, metal, leather, clothe,etc… That is true quality and luxury.
He also had a propression of late model Cadillacs and an Audi 5000s. The Caddy’s were gaudy but insubstancial underneath. The Audi may have been the prize, once again you knew the true value as soon as you opened the door.
A family friend owned a few car dealerships and he used to send me to the garage to play in his ’57 SL cabriolet (he had a pagoda, too, but I didn’t appreciate it at the time next to the 300). Even single-digit me marveled at the quality and craftsmanship. Here was a convertible that was more solid than probably the engine block of our shitty minivan (that engine blew at around 80k, so that’s not really hyperbole). That MB was like a designer bank vault made by Swiss watchmakers.
Most of these will just sit on a fancy table in some asshole’s office and get used maybe once or twice a year.
They should have developed a Connect Four set instead.
As a teen, dad’s office suite had a backgammon set when I visited. I doubt it was ever touched.
Let me preface this by noting that I once had to play chess with a set made of wood. Actual, arboreal refuse. I felt unclean for weeks.
Now, onto the matter at hand—the Rolls-Royce The Chess Set. A glorious fusion of aristocratic decadence and tactical condescension. Forged by artisans who weep when exposed to mediocrity, each piece is milled from aircraft-grade affluencium, carbon fiber, and your dreams of financial solvency.
The pawns—excuse me, footmen—feature a contemptuous tilt of the head that seems to whisper, “You’ll never afford me.” The rooks are hewn from obsidian harder than the stiff upper lip of a Royal third cousin. You don’t so much move them as command them to gallop across the board while your opponents reconsider their entire lineage.
The board is an exquisitely over-engineered slab of machined imperial hubris inlaid with carbon-fiber weave so dense it has its own gravitational field. Touching it feels like caressing the wing of a private jet that only flies between yacht parties.
Of course, the set arrives in a bespoke display case lined with the hide of a cow that had its own butler. It requires a biometric key to open, presumably to protect it from anyone with a net worth under seven figures.
In summary, this chess set is less a board game and more a 32-piece dissertation on legacy wealth. It’s perfect for those who believe that every game night should begin with a glass of single malt and end with a hostile takeover.
Wonderfully crafted. Thank you.
+1 would fart into a snifter again
I’m reminded of a quote by the late, great Englishman Sir Terry Pratchett;
“It’s a sad and terrible thing that high-born folk really have thought that the servants would be totally fooled if spirits were put into decanters that were cunningly labeled /backward/. And also throughout history the more politically conscious butler has taken it on trust, and with rather more justification, that his employers will not notice if the whiskey is topped up with eniru.”
So much this… If you don’t open and pour the bottle yourself don’t trust it.
Cheap booze FTW
Seven? What is this, 1925? No one under ten figures need apply. 😛
BRA-fuckin-VO
Channeling Fancy Kristen, are we?
What’s that saying? A fool and his money are directed to the nearest customer concierge.