Good morning, and happy Friday! Today, we’re not only throwing out the rulebook, but actually lighting it on fire, writing a new one, and then flagrantly disregarding that one too. How dare I? I’ll explain in a minute. First, let’s see how yesterday’s bizarre battle went:
Lotus in a landslide! I guess I should have expected that; I mean, it’s a Lotus. Come on. I did consider only doing the three Porsches yesterday, but then I saw that Europa and I just had to include it.
However, you won’t be seeing it again. My position as a minor nobleman* in the Autopian Empire affords me certain rights and privileges that I have not yet exercised. One of those is the ability to set aside the results of any Shitbox Showdown voting and declare a winner based on my own whims. Since twice this week you all disagreed with me, I thought it was time to exercise that right, and just to play devil’s advocate, I’ve set aside yesterday’s results and chosen the best of the Porsches to represent our third, even though I myself prefer the Lotus. And so, I hereby decree the first-ever Second Chance Showdown. Let’s recap.
(*Our peer ranking isn’t well-defined, and Jason refuses to explain exactly how it all works, but as far as I can tell, I’m somewhere between a LeBaron and an Iron Duke.) [Editor’s Note: You need to take that up with the Ford Monarch – JT]
1985 Chevrolet Corvette – $4,500
Pros: Cheap fun, lots of potential, better condition than you usually find for this price
Cons: Gaudy, tacky, automatic
Talk about a car with a stigma – C4 Corvettes bring to mind owners of a certain type, and that type isn’t the most flattering. But why should that stop the rest of us from enjoying a V8-powered sports coupe? Sure, this isn’t a “fast” Corvette, but it’s nowhere near as slow as the late C3s during the depths of the malaise years. And the fact that nobody loves them is actually an advantage; you can modify it to your heart’s content and not offend anyone by “messing up” a classic.
Even better, this car is in drive-off condition mechanically. It needs a little electrical tinkering, but that’s true of almost any decades-old car. If you’re not willing to putter around fixing stuff on the weekends, go get yourself a nice Corolla or something. As for the body kit, I say lean into it – drive around blasting Dokken or something, air-drumming on the steering wheel, and just make people deal with it.
1986 Volkswagen Quantum wagon – $3,000
Pros: Clean as a whistle, mechanically simple, practical bodystyle
Cons: Parts getting hard to find, sluggish with automatic, a bit plain-looking
Yes, I know – this car would be better with a manual, and better still if it were the all-wheel-drive Syncro model. I can’t hep that. Instead of looking at this car for what it isn’t, let’s consider what it is: a way to out-cool all the Volvo 240 drivers. Most of those are automatics too anyway, and they don’t have a five-cylinder Audi engine with rally pedigree. And Volkswagens of the mid-1980s were nothing like Volkswagens of the mid-2000s; this car is much simpler, much better-built, and much more reliable than that VR6 Jetta that your cousin bought last year.
Where you’ll have problems is finding parts when something does go wrong. This is a nearly-forgotten car, abandoned by VW, with no owner network to speak of, and certainly nothing like the cult that exists around old Volvos. When something breaks – and even though this is a reliable car, something will break eventually – you’ll be on your own. Mechanical parts aren’t too bad, but trim? Interior parts? Anything you might need to repair it from a minor fender-bender? Forget it.
1970 Porsche 914 – $7,000
Pros: Very clean for its age, best color for a sports car, appreciating in value
Cons: Hasn’t run in years, lowest spec, needs interior work
Lots of love for the little 914 in the comments, even though the Lotus won yesterday. These weird flat little sports cars spent many years being scorned by the Porsche community and cheerfully abused and neglected by everyone else. It’s nice to see them getting their due. They are tremendous fun to drive, if not particularly fast, and the roof comes off for those nice sunny days. Even better, it has pop-up headlights, and pinch-proof ones at that!
This car really is in the best condition out of those three, and it’s pre-smog and pre-big-bumpers, so it’s the most pure of the breed as well. Sadly, when it comes to 914s, pure means slow, and that’s after you get its 1.7 liter flat-four running in the first place. But it’s a Volkswagen flat-four, an engine with just one or two aftermarket parts suppliers. More power is just an internet search away.
So then, there are your choices for today, three cars you unceremoniously snubbed earlier this week. I’m putting up a poll so you can vote on your favorite, but I want to give you an assignment for the comment section: Tell us exactly what you would do with your choice. Be specific – are there mods you want to do? A race series you want to enter? A particular road you want to drive it on? Let’s discuss.
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
I’ll take the Porwagon. There’s so much I could actually do with that in my garage with my limited skills. The other two would just make me sad if they were hanging around.
I actually like the exterior modifications on that ‘Vette. I’d have it painted a more interesting color, though. Maybe bronze, or early ’90s turquoise.
None of these would be daily drivers. So I might as well go for something I really like (or will really like once it’s fixed)
So my vote goes to the Porsche.
I went with the Vette, because I’m also growing a strange affinity for white New Balance Sneakers, this would be the perfect weekend driver for regular trips to Famous Footware, after a good paint job at Maaco.
sorry, no.
Your options:
That’s the joke.
buy the vette, sell the tacky body kit and wheels then install a 2006 or earlier 6.0 and I guess roll that turd of a Vette. the other two are just such bad options.
Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, but I’m going to take a leap on the Quantum. Gotta love a wagon.
“[Editor’s Note: You need to take that up with the Ford Monarch – JT]”
Not the Studebaker Dictator?
or the Chrysler Imperial?
Where does the King Midget fall in the hierarchy? Is his role mostly ceremonial?
914 and an EJ swap
A second chance at the 914? I’m voting Porsche. The Corvette isn’t a bad decision (I voted for it originally), but the tiny import has my eye.
Hmm… automatic, automatic, yaller Parsh… Sweet! I get to vote that that cutie again!
For under 5 grand I would take the Vette as a weekend cruiser and not worry about value.
The price clinched it for me. You can’t beat that Vette on fun/$.
You’d have to have a Heartless Heart not to love the VW, and buying the Porsche would be like jumping Into The Fire. But either of those cold Germans will leave you Alone Again when they break down.
With the Corvette, you can Turn On The Action with Bullets To Spare. If you find a Corvette in this condition at this price, you might’ve Just Got Lucky.
I fought Tooth and Nail but simply could not get past the cold, hard fact that that Corvette is just gonna be a PITA to get past smog. Maybe In My Dreams. But no, I’m no Dream Warrior, I just gotta accept it.
The Porsche might be Mr Scary from a safety standpoint, but I choose to be Breaking the (timing) Chains.
The VW will just have to remain Alone Again.
heh heh heh heh FIRE fire FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE!! </beavis>
Settle down, dillweed
NO! I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!
…do you have olios for my bungholio?
> You’d have to have a Heartless Heart not to love the VW
Or just remember them when they were new.
All three of these are good contenders for a second chance (says a person who voted for the C4 and the VW the first time around). In this showdown it really comes down to the C4 and the 914, and though I like the 914 more the Dokken comment tipped the balance on this one for whatever reason.
Torch, you obviously meant “…the
FordMercury Monarch.” (Twin of the Ford Granada in the 1970s).914 is the winner here. The C4 is just a bump or 2 a way from having more 80’s computer and wiring issues to deal with. The VW wagon would be the winner, but it’s an autotragic without AWD. I’d much rather have a Volvo at that point.
Give me a goofball Porsche to tinker on and I’m a happy man.
For whatever reason I’m loving C4s more and more each day. If only I had more garage/driveway space.
Me too!
“Inside you there are three wolves … ”
I voted for all three of these cars on their respective days, so I’m super-OK with a second-chance showdown. Today, I very nearly picked the C4 (runs now, instrument panel from “the year two thousaaaaaaand”) … but the coolest car here is the Parsh. EV swap it, take the top off, and hum down DuSable Lake Shore Drive while looking Tahoes right in the wheel hubs.
Tucker, you have outdone yourself.
Maybe on Fridays we should pick three candidates and have a Showdown variant of the F/M/K game. We could call it Fix / Maintain / Kill.
My choices for today:
Fix – yellow Porsche!
Maintain – C4
Kill – VW wagon. I just can’t make the Quantum leap.
Great idea!
The automotive variant is usually called Track/Daily/Burn, and we’ve done it before.
I’m dialing (anybuddy remember that?)…
…911 for the 914
I’ve been pretty, and I’ve been pretty fast. Time for something different.
I’m going Corvette. The C4 is an impressive platform for its era and I’m not as vehemently opposed to a cruiser Vette as a lot of people here seem to be. Would I rather it be stick? Definitely, but Corvettes have pretty much always primarily been cars with autos, for better or worse. In my eyes it’s not something egregious that gets in the way of the ethos of the platform…like it is in a Miata or something like that. I believe the manuals in these have a bunch of overdrive gears and are a bit of a pain to deal with anyway.
Take the roof off, blast some Def Leppard, listen to the V8 sing, and mash the throttle between traffic lights on your way to the shore. You can still have a lot of fun in this and it’s cheap, parts and knowledge are plentiful, and if you want to customize it a bit there’s plenty that can be done. Plus your friendly neighborhood mechanic can probably handle anything that goes wrong.
“My position as a minor nobleman* in the Autopian Empire affords me certain rights and privileges that I have not yet exercised. One of those is the ability to set aside the results of any Shitbox Showdown voting and declare a winner based on my own whims.“
I believe that’s called playing the Trump card.
Take the Porsche, drop in a flat four from a Boxter/Cayman. Now it’s fast too!
Why do that when you can drop a flat 6 from a Boxster/Cayman instead?
see, this person knows what’s up (and hopefully their way around a sawzall)
I have a pair of white NB shoes so I have to pair them with the vette
Graduate, class of ’75 here: I’m prepared to make an attractive offer on them white NBs.
Take the shoe, leave the corvette.
The 914 is the coolest Porsche ever and is the coolest color of the three cars here 🙂
You need to go sit in the corner for a while and think about what you’ve done!
Factually correct trolling is the best kind of trolling.
Acceptable answers for coolest street legal Porsche broken down by era include:
50s/60s: 550 Spyder, 356 (preferably the Speedster variant), first gen 911
70s: the OG 911 Carrera RS and OG 911 (930) Turbo
80s: 959, 911 Turbo Slant Nose
90s: the 993 of your choice, the original GT3 (996) which can technically count for either the 90s or 2000s
2000s: the correct answer is the Carrera GT unless you want to be a contrarian, but I’d hear arguments for the 996 GT2 because that thing was wild.
2010s: the 918 Spyder is the obvious choice
2020s: while I wouldn’t jive with it personally, there’s probably a case to be made for the Taycan, especially if Porsche has successful performance EVs after it. I think history will remember it more fondly than the present does. The Cayman GT4 RS and current GT3 are insanely good too.
…but the 914?!?! Come on y’all. I know we love the weird here but let’s not get carried away 😉
The estate of James Dean may view Point 1 differently.
You don’t say!
Agreed 914 isnt even the coolest VW.
As Cathy says Yak
A Nuprin reference… I sometimes think the fact that I remember those ads are a sign that I’m not from this particular branch of reality. It is also my choice. I like small and quirky. I’m kind of a hack with very few mechanical skills, so this might be a place to learn. I want to scoot the little yellow weirdo around, top open, and celebrate that such a car as the 914 was allowed to exist in the first place.