Happy Friday, Autopians! It’s time for another four-way shootout, and another made-up scenario to help you choose. Today is all about star power, as we choose a car fit for a music video. Don’t worry; I’ll explain.
But we need our fourth contender first.
I confess, this one surprises me. The little Korean cookie tin on wheels? Really? All right; you want the Kia, you get the Kia. Personally, I like the idea of taking even more stuff off the X-90 and making it an off-road toy, but the Sportage wins fair and square.
All right, so we have our foursome, now we need our scenario. Our very own rock star, Stephen Walter Gossin, is filming a video for the first single, “Love Is A Pick-N-Pull,” off his new album Stratus Fear, and he needs a cast of thousands, or at least thousands of dollars’ worth of crappy old cars, for a giant spectacle that he describes as being “one part Thriller and one part Cannonball Run.” Grandiose plans, to be sure, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s our man Gossin.
And he wants you to be a part of it! All you have to do is choose one of these four cars to drive in the video, and be willing to take direction from the ghost of Hal Needham (whom Stephen has conjured up to coordinate the stunts in this masterpiece; we didn’t ask how) and possibly get a little banged up in the process. Hey, they’re only shitboxes, right? Choose wisely, or end up on the cutting room floor. Let’s recap the cars, so you know what you’re dealing with.
1982 Chevrolet LUV Diesel
Pros: Dependable, photogenic, conveys that “working-class hero” vibe
Cons: Kinda slow to use for stunts
Who doesn’t love an earnest little pickup truck? It’s useful, humble, and sturdy – virtues all. This little Chevy (well, in name) would make a stout little workhorse, just as it doubtless has for the past forty-one years. Sure, it’s not the speediest thing, but semi trucks, ships, and trains use diesels for a reason; diesel engines pull. Horsepower is what sells, but torque is what does the work.
For our purposes, however, what matters isn’t that this is a good honest little truck; what matters is that it looks like one. And it would look great kicking up plumes of dust on some dirt road somewhere. It wouldn’t be very convincing in a chase scene, but maybe we could speed up the film?
1984 Plymouth Conquest
Pros: Looks like it was pulled straight out of a junkyard, fun to drive
Cons: None, really, for these purposes
Now, this car was, of course, featured in the second Cannonball Run movie, driven by none other than Jackie Chan. This one looks more like it belongs in a post-apocalyptic George Miller movie than a Hal Needham comedy, but it runs and drives just fine, and it has enough power to pull off some fun maneuvers.
I may not have grown up with cars like this, but I’m beginning to see the appeal. It has a great retro-futuristic vibe to it, with the digital gauges and pop-up lights. In one way, it would be a shame to mess up a car like this for the sake of a video stunt, but it would also immortalize it pulling off something really cool.
1978 Oldsmobile Cutlass Salon
Pros: Wildly photogenic, “coolest” car here
Cons: Too nice to smash up
And speaking of cool-looking cars, how about an American rear-wheel-drive coupe with rally wheels and white-letter tires? Just shoot a close-up of the rear wheel spinning from a standing start – it’s the automotive equivalent of a good power chord.
Of course, you’ll have to film that scene on dirt, or gravel, because there’s no way the 140-horse Chevy 305 V8 in this thing is going to break those BF Goodriches loose on dry pavement. But looking cool is more important than going fast, at least in this scenario.
2000 Kia Sportage
Pros: Rear-wheel-drive for on-camera sideways shenanigans, no guilt over smashing it up
Cons: You have to be filmed driving a Kia
Did you ever notice that in ’70s and ’80s TV shows that when a car crashes or goes over a cliff or something, right before it gets smashed all to hell, it changes from whatever cool “hero” car was in the last scene to some nasty old clunker that just happens to be the same color and roughly the same shape? Well, there’s a chance we might need one of those for this shoot.
Actually, this little Kia, with its rear-wheel-drive and 130 horsepower Mazda-designed motor, could make for some fun chase-scene action, maybe driven by one of the bad guy’s henchmen. Get it sideways a few times, have it almost catch up to the hero, and then send it to Valhalla, preferably airborne, possibly upside-down.
Actually, I bet we could come up with some pretty good car-chase scenes involving all four of these. But the cameras are rolling, Stephen is ready to rock, and Hal Needham’s ghost is impatiently tapping his ethereal foot and looking at his watch. It’s time to choose your ride for the big scene. What’ll it be?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
Oh man, there is a tiny little car show I go to closer to where I grow up, and some guy a bit younger than me has an absolutely MINT Conquest. It’s driven, and I think has 130K miles on the clock, but it is nearly PERFECT.
The Olds looks like something right out of the video game “Driver”. I loved that game. I never did the missions, just drove around the cityscapes burning the tires off and finding things to jump.
I played the third one, it might have been barren of content compared to gta sa but the driving physics were soo good, it’s called driver after all why would you do anything else?
The Olds may look nice, but it was born to be the nondescript car in a movie stunt. The Conquest was a close second; I really liked the idea of Mad Max-ifying it, but sounds like it wouldn’t fit your movie idea. Then again, there’s always a crazy friend up to something, and a tricked out but crusty Conquest sounds perfect.
White letter BFGs + rally wheels = hero car. Our protagonist should pair a denim jacket and aviators to complete the look.
The Kia should be used for nothing more than a background car parked on the street, absolutely annihilated in the car chase scene.
The Kia. It is driven by the single-mom and her kid after getting rid of her meth-head ex, and drives cross country on dirt roads because said ex happens to be a CIA agent covering all paved roads.
That’s how she meets Stephen, who fixes her car somewhere when it broke down. Then, both have to run away. This is the Cannonball part, right?
Please note: I did not say the car in question would end up wrecked; I just said “banged up a little.”
So, just the drivers get wrecked.
Cutlass, all day long. Start a search for all the parts needed for an A-833OD aka MY6 trans swap and build a 350 Vortec to ditch the 305. There’s enough G-body bits out there to help it turn and stop well for not a lot of money.
I still don’t understand why GM didn’t give these an actual opening rear hatch. Like, that’s peak GM thinking that their customers wouldn’t notice that the trunk opening is so constrained.
That doesn’t make it better for the music video, you wouldn’t even see any of that!
I ignored that part and just thought about which of these I’d want to own.
I think it was one of those last minute engineering efforts. It was cheaper and easier to leave the rear seat structure in there.
They certainly could have based it off the wagon instead. They did it to make the El Camino.
And I’d take the Olds for the same reasons. Not only is it the most photogenic, it extremely versatile for parts swapping and upgrades with all the G body enthusiasts out there.
Do not dare hurt that darling Oldsmobile! It’s like when granny wears running shoes!
If you are going to wreck a car for the sake of a garbage 1970’s/80’s action TV show tribute, wreck that hateful Kia.
Would have been a better vote of which one dies NOT get to be in the video
I’m taking all 4 for this video. The Olds is chasing the Conquest in the film. Epic 80’s action flic.
The Kia carries the film crew, and the LUV carries spare parts and mechanics.
So E. All of the above for me.
This is the right answer.
The LUV is both too slow and way too nice. The Olds … also too nice. This was a tough choice between the sacrificial Kia and the scruffy Conquest. I have no qualms about being filmed in a Kia, but the Conquest just has SWG written all over it.
My sentiments exactly. Between the Kia and the Conquest, the Conquest has star power!
Precisely. It has much more visual impact.
Voted for that S-10 so BOL-L-GOL Gardening could replace their old S-10 after that unfortunate incident with the liquid nitrogen truck at the steel mill (though since the ‘new’ S-10 is a diesel one doesn’t need to be a T-800 to be able to get out and run faster than said S-10.)
Picked the Cutlass because of Repo Man. https://www.imcdb.org/v093857.html
Of course in Repo Man, the car changed back and forth with a Cutlass Supreme in successive scenes.
I guess for whoever the car wrangler on that movie, a Cutlass was a Cutlass.
Red’s going to pop better in the video. Gotta be the Kia.
I chose the Kia, because if it is going to be destroyed, I want it to be a car with no redeeming qualities.
I decided to show a little LUV…
I vote Olds, and then running away from the set with it before you can harm it.
What a great thought exercise.
Alternate plot: my slightly hapless character is stuck on the side of the road with the Conquest, hood up, kicking one of the tires … until Stevie G happens by, singing and playing guitar, as one does. He and I have a “Mean Joe Greene” moment (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xffOCZYX6F8), he throws me a guitar pick … and when I turn around, the Conquest is now SWG’s old Dodge Stealth.
10/10 would watch this and love every minute.
Still love that Luv.
I voted for the car I’d like to see blow up.
Which is the Kia, right?
The Luv is awesome, and that is a great price for a classic Japanese pickup
Gotta be the Conquest. It’s the only one that could feasibly, as is, pull off some hero car maneuvers.
But I bet, with a 200 shot of nitrous, the Olds could be persuaded and still stay in budget.
If that Olds wasn’t on the other side of the country I’d own it right now.
I’m writing in the X-90 from yesterday, that was by far the coolest thing on offer this week and I’m formally filing a protest over yesterday’s voting results.
I second this motion. All in favor, say “Aye”!
Aye…how can this many people not realize just how bad that Kia is?
Tetanus Conquest FTW.