Our guys are nearing their destination. Little by little, sunny California is approaching David, Jason, and Otto. However, don’t think that being southwest of Michigan means that their misery is done. I just got off a call with them and conditions somehow haven’t improved much. The Mustang is chewing through tires, they stayed in what sounds like the worst motel in America, and it sounds like Otto wants to ride in the Golden Eagle while it’s on the trailer? Road madness is setting in as David’s terrible move continues westward.
Jason has informed me that their starting point of this leg was Weatherford, Oklahoma. Their southern route is taking them even further south than I expected. Jason told me that for this leg, their destination was Sante Fe, New Mexico. It’s a route stretching about 464 miles that saw them rolling through the top of Texas. And, amusingly, our team couldn’t even get their day started without some sort of shenanigans.
Jason Tries To Convince A Completely Wrong Hotel To Give Him Shampoo
Jason told me that their departure hotel didn’t have shampoo. At first, he figured that it wouldn’t be that big of a deal and that he could pick some up from a gas station. Apparently, he was wrong because he couldn’t find any shampoo at a convenience store. That’s when he concocted a brilliant idea: What if he walked into a more expensive hotel and asked for shampoo? Jason did just that, and walked into a Holiday Inn, asking the front desk for shampoo, claiming that his room didn’t have any. Unfortunately for him, the front desk didn’t buy it.
Also, if a Holiday Inn is a major upgrade, then you know that our guys are staying in some dirt-cheap accommodations. I’m not sure these guys have a price floor. And trust me, it’s going to get way worse!
David Burns Rubber
David was a man on a mission on Day Four. He had nearly died just the day before as a result of shower spaghetti and apparent cubic feet of mashed potatoes. We’re still not entirely sure why David effectively consumed a bucket of mashed potatoes, but his stomach hated him for his life choices. Despite all of this, Jason says that David was more energetic now than at any other point in this trip.
See, about seven hours away in Sante Fe was a person that David wanted to meet. This person is someone that David was far more interested in meeting than even the seller of the best holy grail Jeep on Earth. The motivation to see this person was so great that David increased his speed in the Mustang from 60 mph to perhaps 75 mph. Neither Jason nor David knows for sure how fast he was driving, but David says that the anticipation of meeting this person easily added 10 horses to his old pony car.
In fact, he suggests doing a drag race with someone you want to meet at the end of the track. You’ll easily gain free horsepower!
Unfortunately for him, the Mustang wasn’t nearly as excited about this as he was. At the beginning of this trip, David said that his brother’s 1966 Ford Mustang was wrapped in Douglas tires that were awful in anything but dry weather. Apparently, they also have alarming tire wear, too. The Mustang apparently has control arm bushings of the Bluetooth variety, and the suspension and steering need to be freshened before it could get an alignment. That means the car is just grinding down the tires.
In an effort to increase the longevity of those tires, David and Jason pulled off to swap the rear tires with the fronts. Despite their southerly position, things were still bitterly cold, and Jason made sure to emphasize how much it sucks to swap wheels when it’s cold and windy. It was a simple job made miserable by more of that relentless cold that they’d been facing for the whole trip. Also, the Mustang looks the way it does because David has a lot of junk in his trunk, and dirty hands…
Jason also tells me that during one of their stops, David encountered other people trying to fix a car, and he fed them hot dogs. During this trip, David and Jason have noticed that people seem to react more to the Golden Eagle than the Mustang. Lots of people have said something about the Golden Eagle, but the Mustang didn’t get any attention until some totally sloshed guy came over while David was swapping the wheels.
Jason Suffers In The Wagoneer
In our call, I asked Jason about how the Wagoneer is doing. As it turns out, Jason was able to fix the CarPlay issue, and all it took was for the infotainment system to crash, necessitating a hard reset. Apparently, just crashing your Stellantis infotainment system will fix it. Jason described the situation as annoying, to say the least. That’s when David countered with something that surprised us.
Jason, Otto, and I learned something about David during the call. The Mustang doesn’t have a radio of any kind. That means David is just sitting there, driving the Mustang in a direction. He describes the experience of driving the ‘Stang down the highway to be similar to sitting at a desk and doing nothing at all. Jason and I begged him to buy some headphones or something because holy hell, that sounds boring. But David is determined to drive this whole thing in dead, cold silence. Clearly, road madness is setting in for both Jason and David. It seems to me that Otto is holding the group together.
Discovering Cadillac Ranch And A Scaled-Up Dodge Caravan
When our team reached Amarillo, Texas, Jason and Otto checked out one of the most famous roadside attractions in America. Much ink has been spilled about the fabled Cadillac Ranch and its buried vehicles-turned-art pieces. The tailfins of these vintage American autos have pointed to the sky since 1974 and have served as an art installation for anyone who encounters it. Jason and Otto wanted to leave their mark but found themselves unable to access the parts they wanted.
While the father and son duo were exploring that American landmark, David was supposed to be buying new shoes. But he already had shoes, so he went exactly nowhere. Yes, it seems that on every one of the Autopian’s recent trips, David has found himself in need of at least one piece of clothing. See, David has clothes, but they’re all oil-stained from top to bottom, terrible if you need to look clean at a destination. Perhaps with enough time, he’ll get an entire outfit!
Later, they happened upon this USA Corporation Europa. So far as I could find with various models for sale, this RV manufacturer took Dodge and Chevrolet chassis and built RVs on top of them. What we’re looking at here is the Dodge version, and the front end is an absolute giggle.
It’s almost like the company took the front end of a Dodge Grand Caravan and decided to scale it up.
Power comes from a Dodge V8 and the interior is also a smattering of the Dodge parts bin. And yes, the company was really called “USA Corporation.” Has there been a more generic company name?
Our Team Sleeps In The Worst Motel In America
Thus far, this entry hasn’t been so bad. A lot worse could have happened! Well, buckle up, because David’s love for everything cheap ends up biting them all in the arse.
David, Jason, and Otto planned to stop at a motel for their night stop. Online, this hotel was advertised at a bottom of the barrel $58 a night. When David called the motel, the price then raised to $75. But hey, $75 for a room with two beds is still cheap, so they continued. But when they got there, the price went up to $100. Tired, our team lifted a Benjamin from their pockets and got their room. And…I’m not sure I’ve heard of a worse motel in this entire country.
Jason started off by calling the motel a total craphole. He provided me pictures but followed them up by saying that they just don’t do the motel justice. Somehow, everything was terrible. For starters, when they opened the door, they immediately noticed that the floor was parabolic. At no point was the floor level, and that jacked up all of the furniture. Every bit of furniture sat at an angle, sloping toward wherever the floor took them.
Ok, that’s weird enough, but then they noticed that everything else in the motel room was also crooked. Every light switch was crooked, as were the outlets, and Jason even noted an outlet that was completely hanging out of the wall.
This is when David chimed in to say that everything was so crooked that the shade on a lamp was sitting at a good 30-degree angle. Guys, I think you rented a funhouse for the night!
Jason said that everything in the room was so low quality it was if the room had a level of contempt about it. The room was like if the owners of the motel intentionally tried to figure out what was the least they could get away with and still sell you a room. I mean, they even used the same Goodwill artwork for both beds!
There was spackle all over the place, splashes of paint that even a colorblind person could tell was the wrong color, weird poorly-repaired holes in the wall, and random wall repairs that don’t match and don’t make any sense. There was also a closet that didn’t actually have an end to it, just another opening. Oh, and apparently there was a side room of some kind, and it bafflingly had just a closet, a desk, and a sink.
Otto notes that it was like a prison and nothing worked well. The beds felt itchy and they had to check for bedbugs. They’re fairly certain that they didn’t find any, but things looked sketchy. Otto said that everything was so cheap there was no Dr. Pepper. Instead, the vending machines served generic drinks like Dr. Thunder.
Ah, and I forgot something. Apparently, the cops came by at 1 in the morning, asking Jason why he was sitting in the motel’s parking lot. That sounds about right for a hotel like this.
More Bad Ideas, And Do They Know Where They’re Going?
During this conversation, Jason and David made a large number of comments about the position of the sun. It seems that they weren’t entirely sure whether they were headed east or west, and neither of them seemingly knew where the sun’s position was. I’m not sure how you lose track of the sun on a clear day, but that sounds like what happened, and it took them quite a bit of time to figure out that they were headed in the correct direction. Like I said, road madness…
I also asked about the Jeep Golden Eagle, and that took them on a whole different tangent. Jason and David said that Otto wanted to ride in the Golden Eagle. And, well, there is a photo of Otto eying up the beast of a rig. But while the pair were talking about that, Otto cut in and said that he absolutely did not want to ride in the Golden Eagle.
David and Jason countered by saying oh no, he totally did want to ride in the Golden Eagle. To settle this debate, Otto took the phone and told me that he’d love to sit in the driver seat because it looks cool and it’s sort of stupid, but he declined because he didn’t think that there would be any WiFi. That’s when Jason assured him that he could ride in the driver seat of the Golden Eagle, there definitely will be WiFi, and they’ll tow the Golden Eagle around a parking lot or something with him in it.
So, uh, I guess that’s going to be a thing!
Our band of heroes expect to reach David’s new apartment by Saturday. However, because of reasons best explained by just saying “California,” the power company will not be turning on his apartment’s power until Tuesday. That means that David will be living like a caveman through the weekend and part of next week. He’s still not sure how that’s going to work out, but he’s pretty sure he’s going to be sitting in his powerless apartment while it rains outside.
Thus, somehow, the entirety of David’s move will be miserable in some way, which is totally on-brand. The team tells me that their next stop is Omega Mart in Las Vegas before doing the final leg. Then, David will be home. From our team in the field and from me, we wish you a happy start to your New Year! We will return in 2023 with even more fun. Since their journey isn’t over yet, watch it go down on our social media pages.
” I mean, they even used the same Goodwill artwork for both beds!” I guffawed at this! The build up to this revelation was enthralling. I have seen plenty of motel sketchery in my travels, but nary a one with funhouse floors. I’d probably pay extra for that.
Please don’t tell us the stop at Cadillac Ranch was to steal a tire for the Mustang. Then again, finding period correct bias ply tires is pretty much impossible, so it kind of makes sense.
Someday you have to set Otto up for a ride in a Subaru Brat jumpseat. That’ll straighten the boy right out.
Motels like that are a big part of why I bought a camper last year. These days, even price is no guarantee of getting a decent room, I’ve stayed in $200+ a night places that weren’t much better. Independent mom and pop places like that one are a crapshoot, some of them are shockingly decent at $100, but many more are places you go to pick up VD and then get stabbed in the parking lot, and the national chains have all gotten stupidly expensive but also let their standards slip to rock bottom. Everything Wyndham touches immediately turns to crap, and I’ve been in some sketchy Holiday Inns, Best Westerns, and Quality Courts, and also Marriotts that really made me question how they’ve managed to keep their branding.
“However, because of reasons best explained by just saying “California,” the power company will not be turning on his apartment’s power until Tuesday. ”
Uhm… I believe you misspelled “Federal Holiday”
That chair by the sink. Oh Hell no! I hope the complimentary breakfast buffet was to their liking.
The motel instantly made me think, “Tucumcari.”
But not Tuscon, Tehachapi, nor Tonopah?
https://youtu.be/RNqv85coyTw?t=42
Someone tell these guys to check a weather report. If they’re going to Las Vegas via I-40 through ABQ and Flagstaff, they’re driving right into a winter storm. They don’t plow interstates here — they just shut them down. Go the southern route via I-10!
Also, if the Omega Mart is the main draw in Las Vegas, Meow Wolf in Santa Fe is where that concept started. Same people run both of them. It’s a great replacement. You can easily park the trailer along Rufina St about a block away.
And don’t forget about the breakfast burrito at Blake’s Lotaburger. I’m serious about that.
I’ve stayed in worse. Places where you slept in your clothes and didn’t walk on the floor without shoes. Somewhere there’s a photo from a stay in a “rehab’d” Red Roof Inn of a water glass sitting on top of the toilet tank that shows the level off by almost an inch.
I’ve driven vast distances with no audio entertainment. I actually kind of like it. Who can’t conjure up songs in their head and listen to them all the way through?
Sweet baby Jesu, that motel is the kind of place that will give you herpes from the pillows while Nicholas Cage cosplayers go to die from an alcoholic bender in the next room.
Why in the hell didn’t they just stay at the Holiday Inn, especially since they are all sharing one room? Speaking of which, one room? Dubbya Tee Eff.
Also, I wrote before that there was no way there would be utilities upon arrival. Not patting myself on the back here as this was as obvious as the shit/blood stain on that chair in the sink photo.
I can’t help but touch on the fact that DT is voluntarily driving across basically the whole country with no radio while a Bluetooth speaker can be had for like $30 at the Wally’s they were JUST at.
Look, I know DT has a huge heart and is a great guy overall and that stuff, but if Beau doesn’t spring for some therapy sessions/life coaching for him…
This whole trip is disturbing. lol
A friend of mine works in the hotel business. I once asked him, why do hotels use those tiny, useless little bottles of shampoo and conditioner? That has to be costly and super wasteful, right? Why not use those wall-mounted things that can be refilled?
He told me: “Because people *do stuff* to those.”
I’ll leave you with that. Happy new year, everybody!!!
I KNEW there was a reason I didn’t trust those, even in fancy hotels.
…ESPECIALLY in fancy hotels, the longer I think about it.
Say what you will, Tracy is a mensch. He was struggling with his own car, yet managed to find the time (and hotdogs?) to feed some other frozen motorists? He may be weird, and he may have some issues, but DT is a good guy right down to the bone.
I love that “USA Corporation” made a camper called the “Europa.” That’s just… *chef’s kiss*
There are worse hotels. I have slept in places where there were used condoms on the floor, and I had to wear a blindfold to bed because no way in hell was I turning the lights off and letting the roaches out to play. I have slept in places where there were no lights at all, but there were huge spiders, and amblypigids. That still looked pretty bad, though. I’d rather sleep in my car.
Good luck, boys. You’ll get there.
I admit that I admire David’s total commitment to a spartan existence – no fancy-schmancy wasteful luxuries like radios or refrigerators for him! His stoic drive sans music speaks volumes about his mental health. I’m not sure exactly what it says, but whatever it is, it’s a lot.
When I was in college, I worked for the Alabama Department of Environmental Management (yes, there really IS one, despite the evidence of Alabama’s environment). As students, we had honed the fine art of stretching a per diem dollar to its absolute limit. We preferentially stayed in broken down motels like the one described above because splitting a cheap room 4 ways means more beer to go with the cooler of sandwiches we brought. It was common to find what used to be nice hotels on what were formerly major roadways that had been made superfluous by the superhighway system. People would buy them and then run them into the literal ground, not spending a penny on maintenance or upkeep. No patched holes in the walls for them! Anyway, one time we checked into one for something like $25 a night that advertised CABLE TV! This was the 80’s, so that was a novelty. When we got to the room – no cable! We called the front desk and complained. “It will be on soon,” they said. An hour later – no cable! We called several more times. Finally, at 8 PM, the cable came on and there was one and only one channel available: Playboy. We wondered what kind of animals the person at the front desk thought we were, incessantly demanding the damn cable!
Why didn’t Beau throw in some Benjamins for better accommodations? I get the “Let’s watch DT and JT do a Lucy and Ethel road trip on the cheap makes for good content” thing but still…..
Not at all surprised that the Golden Eagle is drawing more attention than the Mustang. The ’67 Mustang (along with tri-5 Chevys) is the Mercury Grand Marquis* of classic cars.
Clearly Project Cactus was just David training for this trip.
I stayed in a pretty ropey Motel 6 after visiting Torch a while back. It was $79 and even by the standards of that chain, it was bad. Burn holes in the bedding (it was a smoking room, God bless America), no dead bolt on the door, towels like scouring pads and general ambience that sadly murmured shabbiness.
That was the last time I stayed in a Motel 6. For saving maybe $10 or $15 a night, it wasn’t worth rolling the dice.
Stayed in a Motel 6 in Fayetteville, NC that had a gaping hole in the floor in front of the bathroom, that had been covered over with “luxury vinyl planks”, which was not an acceptable structural repair and was not holding. Also seemed to be several separate meetings or conventions happening in different corners of the parking lot at 2am. Should have known what to expect as soon as I noticed I didn’t have the only 35 year old Town Car in the parking lot
“watch it go down on our social media pages” sounds like no more updates here?
Say it ain’t so Mercedes! My media is anti-social!
I’m pretty sure this won’t be the last update! But I’m not sure if they’re going to be around this weekend to post another trip update. Maybe there will be another on Monday!
Monday’s fine. Or Tuesday, I’m off work on Monday.
I’m not entirely convinced DT needs electricity.
Seems “uppity” to him.
Ummmm somehow this is David’s fault:
https://www.foxla.com/news/15-freeway-closure-san-bernardino-county-new-years-eve.amp
As a person with some experience in this;
1. Buy a battery operated lantern or two before you arrive. You will need it for unpacking in the dark.
2. Buy a portable radio ipod something because sitting in the dark will be very boring
3. Ask mgmt at complex for a chair and a bed on loan they probably have one from a staged apartment or from a tenant who died.
4. Buy an extension cord
5. Meet and be nice to at least 1 neighbor, mention you fix cars then ask if you can plug in the previously mentioned extension cord until power is hooked up.
5. Buy beer or wine a good bit. Mention the beer and or wine to the friendly neighbor prior to asking to plug in the extension cord.
6. I assume you have a cooler. If not buy one it saves money on eating out and you need to keep the beer cold.
7. It is too late now but the best idea i ever heard was from a frat buddies parents who after retiring decided to move to Mississippi to be closer to their drunk relatives. (Yea bad idea). Well they asked the family to meet them at their new home and help unpack. Having previous experience with said family they offered unlimited ice cold beer. Well they had plenty of volunteers. When everyone met up for plenty of beer and maybe some unloading they asked where is the beer? Imagine the embarrassment when they had to admit in their desire to not forget the beer they packed ten cases in coolers on ice in the front of the trailer before packing anything so now they cant get to it. That truck was unloaded in record time.
If I remember correctly David has a thing for head mounted lights… so #1 might be superfluous
Also no need for tunes as David is comfortable inside his own head
Ever see or say something so odd that you think there must be no way that this combination of words has ever been strung into a sentence before in the history of English?
“He had nearly died just the day before as a result of shower spaghetti and apparent cubic feet of mashed potatoes.”
There’s one for me. I’d bet hard money this has never been typed or uttered before.
What’s the old saying about an infinite number of Monkeys with internet access?
I don’t know, but you’ve described the commentariat at the old German lighting site perfectly.
Us here? We’re a finite bunch of simians!
That Holiday Inn probably is one of those hotels that did away with the travel size bottles of shampoos.
They stopped doing that and went to dispensers a few years ago.
Is this really happening?
Is ANY of it legal?
HOW IS THIS ALLOWED?!?!
I think the REAL question, though, is what happened to Mrs Torchinsky? Does SHE know what’s happening with her son? Is she in some sort of media blackout? Or is she in a different car, speeding to catch up with this ill-advised caravan, in a quest to rescue her offspring?
Somehow, David having to live in an apartment with no power seems like a fitting end for this entire endeavor.
She tried to rescue him, but her timing chain tensioner failed and grenaded the engine in her Tiguan. Again.
The madness is how you know it is a good road trip! (Or something.)
Wait, if they have been planning on visiting Meow Wolf’s Omega Mart in Vegas, then I ASSUME that they visited the original Meow Wolf attraction (House of Eternal Return) when they were in Santa Fe…RIGHT?!?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
lol
I think there’s been enough surrealism on this journey as it is (especially for Jason). A visit to Meow Wolf would just be overkill at this point…
Omega Mart! I hope there’s a full trip report, I’m excited to go there. It’s definitely a Torchian art project.
So, how do we contribute to the “Buy David Tracy a Bluetooth Speaker” fund?
(Waits for Patrick George to pipe in about buying a membership…)
Egads, seriously. Even the 411 had a little speaker blaring Gwar across the southeast during its long Lemons Rally redemption run to the coast.