When the BMW XM launched, it had a problem. Okay, it had a few problems. Looks aside, here was a flagship BMW M SUV that was actually slower from zero-to-sixty than an X5 M Competition. Picture a salesperson trying to explain that to a customer. However, BMW seems to have found a way around that problem. This new XM Label Red gets a significant bump in horsepower but unfortunately, just before the prototype was signed off on, the designers found it.
Instead of the regular XM’s 644 horsepower, the Label Red puts out 738 horsepower and 738 lb.-ft. of torque from the same 4.4-liter twin-turbo V8 plug-in hybrid powertrain, just with the wick turned up a touch. This means that the hideous monstrosity you see before you can run from zero-to-sixty in 3.7 seconds, a dead tie with the X5 M Competition (the regular X5 M is now dead) and far from the quickest M-badged vehicle BMW makes. The xDrive-equipped variants of the M3 and M4 wax this thing off the line, to say nothing of the M5 Competition. Awkward.
Well, if the XM Label Red can’t redeem its sins in a drag race, maybe it gets an ultra-focused Nordschleife-tuned chassis calibration to amp up the M in its name. With that in mind, this enormous display of vanity gets six-piston front calipers, adaptive dampers, active anti-roll bars, four-wheel-steering and oh wait, the regular XM gets all of that too. So, no special hardware here. I have the sense that this isn’t going quite the way that BMW planned it.
Alright, so if the XM Label Red doesn’t get any handling bits, surely it gets some extra toys to cement its top-dog status? Think again. Almost everything that’s optional on the regular XM is also optional here, including the Bowers & Wilkins sound system you see above and the M Driver’s Package that raises the top speed to 175 mph. In fact, the one thing that’s thrown in for free is selection from a 50-color palette of what BMW calls Individual paint. A kind gesture, until you realize that BMW did the same thing on the M8 for a while.
The big get other than power for the XM Label Red is, of course, red. BMW slathered some red paint on the grilles, side trims, wheels, and rear bumper, then let some laid-off Metal Mulisha employee go to town on the interior as well. It’s not a great look, so perhaps it’s not surprising that BMW will let customers delete the red exterior accents.
Detailed pricing hasn’t been announced for the XM Label Red, probably because everyone on the internet would keel over laughing. BMW previously claimed an MSRP of more than $185,000 which seems absurd given the sort of excellence you could buy for that sort of money. Porsche Cayenne Turbo GT, anyone?
For the record, I find well-executed performance SUVs entertaining in a good way. Sportier variants of the Porsche Cayenne corner like no SUV should without sacrificing ride quality, while the old Range Rover Sport SVR and Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk offer masterclasses in how to cover pockmarked highway at an astonishing rate. Dare I say, the Alpina XB7 might be the perfect three-row luxury SUV thanks to its sublime ride and Airbus-smooth acceleration.
However, the XM isn’t an Alpina XB7. It’s not a rocket-propelled sofa gliding on magic air suspension. It’s nowhere close to tasteful, something certainly made worse by the sheer ugliness of the regular XM. To be fair, the XM does look better in person, but only in the same way that certain wounds don’t look quite as nasty in person. You could certainly call BMW’s range of performance SUVs diverse, given how it includes one of the best on the market and one of the most vain examples ever conceived.
There’s a chance that history will look back fondly on the XM Label Red but from where I’m sitting, it feels like the result of marketers in Munich sniffing their own hubris. It’s the sort of vehicle that if you see one, you just know you’d never want to invite the owners around to your place for dinner. Basically, expect to see these things roaming the streets of Calabasas by the end of the year.
Please, someone, explain why this is good. We are pro-car and want to see the upside here.
(Photo credits: BMW)
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This is the real world instantiation of the phrase “Lipstick on a Pig”
Oh hey, it’s the Mr. T custom edition!
As a long time BMW enthusiast I’ve taken the glass half full approach. I used be a bit sad that I won’t be able to get a newer one because I can’t afford it. Now I won’t get a newer one because I can’t make myself want to buy one.
BMW’s reasoning legitimately has been “This is what our customers want”, which they say without actually bothering to consider what their customers want – rather what they will have their customers want.
That has been the modern auto industry for decades. Public tastes are being manipulated through advertising, then said public is then blamed for the excessive resource consumption and pollution entailed by use of said vehicles because they didn’t choose to buy more efficient ones, nevermind that vehicles are intentionally designed to be far more wasteful than need be for a given level of utility or performance. Conspicuous consumption makes money after all…
Urus is a great example of this. Literally no one really ‘wanted’ a Lambo SUV. People ‘wanted’ to brag that they had a Lambo. People ‘wanted’ to have a car to pick up groceries and haul Liam and Ella to soccer practice. VAG saw a small portion of that Venn diagram and thought, “We can exploit that.” Gussy up an Audi a bit a voila…..customer now wants something they never knew they wanted.
Is this part of a social experiment? Did they hire Mansory’s top designer? Is this just a massive troll against customers they feel contempt for?
I like the red around the nostrils, sorta like a bloody cocaine-nose….
This vehicle has the worst proportions of anything sold today.
“then let some laid-off Metal Mulisha employee go to town on the interior as well.”
ok this gave me a good chuckle
This thing looks like something only President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho could fully appreciate.
Seriously though — What happened to BMW? I was a fanboi for much of my formative driving years… I’ve had 2002s, E30s, an E24, an E3, a smattering of E36s and an E46, and enjoyed being a part of a vibrant owner/enthusiast community. I loved driving them, wrenching on them, and looking at them. I made “BMW friends” 20 years ago that I still have today.
Somewhere around the debut of the E90, I started losing interest. I think it was after the realization that the (almost) brand-new 325i SP I bought in 2005 was nowhere near as enjoyable to drive as the ’97 328 I had previously. It became clear to me that the platforms were only going to continue to get larger, more bland, and less engaging to drive.
Now I find myself in 2023, at 46 years old in an income bracket that places me somewhere well within in BMW’s demographic, and they make absolutely nothing that excites or even interests me. Twenty-five-year-old me would’ve never believed it.
There’s a lot of electrolytes here, that’s for sure.
Seemingly, it’s what’s happening to a lot of marques these days. I’ve been a resolute Ford man for decades. Loved it’s ability to frequently hit the sweet spot of all-around performance and usability, with a good dash of cool. But I look at it now, and it’s no cars but an upcoming Mustang that seems to be a mishmash of things that mean “sporty car”, a ton of duplicative SUVs, and of course, pickups pickups pickups. Just a few years ago, it made a crazy roadgoing racecar, and now this.
Brawndo! It’s got what BMW’s crave.
The model name was typed wrong the whole article. This is the BMW XM Label Red: PepBoys Edition
I like how it looks.
I’m not going to pay 185k for it because I can barely afford things anymore, but I would happily buy $100 in raffle tickets for it.
I’m starting to think BMW is anti-car.
I guess that they’re going after the Hummer school of conspicuous consumption.
Na na na na na na na na Beemer!
No thanks.
Haha, It’s like a cross between the Adam West Batmobile and the A-Team van.
In 2022 a team of crack cars designers was sent to a stockade for a design crime they did actually commit…..
Can Autopian writers win COTD, because this is it.
Heavy emphasis on the word ‘crack’!
If you have a problem,
And don’t mind they probably won’t help
And if you can afford them
Maybe you can hire the M-team
You meant “crack-head car designers,” right?
I bet it’ll be popular for the same reasons some people who buy the Dodge muscle cars leave on or even seek out the yellow splitter shipping guards, or why straight pipes are so prized by certain motorcycle riders – they want to be noticed by others. With this, it’s just a higher income bracket.
Most of us want to be noticed in our cars (it’s part of the fun), but we balance that desire with others. For some buyers though, it’s the overriding desire, so vehicles like this.
Side note…..started noticing a lot of those splitter guards are starting to get reeeeeaaaaally faded. It’s almost like they weren’t intended to stay on.
Remember when auto-mobile grills were tastefully styled?
Pepperidge Farm remembers
I think articles like this are written in the spirit of someone rationally considering alternatives, researching choices, visiting multiple dealers and interacting with salespeople, etc when the actual buying process is more likely:
“My old lease is up, I need a new BMW to haul the kids, go get me the best (most expensive) one available”
Pro-Car: My parents taught me, if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all about BMW’s new designs.
I don’t think they can afford to just stop covering BMW though. 😉
BMW is now selling cars “pre-third ownered”
Someone said “you can’t put lipstick on a pig.”
BMW responded “Halt mein Bier..”
ok, now I ragert not reading through all the comments before posting my lipstick on a pig comment. but at least simple minds think alike…
The Subaru Forester has already done this black-with-red-trim livery. Not pretty on either car I would say.
the subie version is a LOT more tastefully done with just a few thin accent lines on the rocker panels and diffuser
Got that right.
It’s not just the hideousness on the outside that’s shocking – this shot of the interior reminds me of one of those images used to simulate having a stroke:
https://images-stag.jazelc.com/uploads/theautopian-m2en/XM_ON_LOC_9085-1-1536×864.jpg
It’s a mess of conflicting angles, surface faces, buttons out of line with eachother, and that speaker grille that looks like it’s a few degrees off level
That grill *insert pig nose emoji* lol
The quick answer here is, to quote Mr. Krabs, “Money.” BMW will sell more than enough of these in the Gulf Countries and China to offset any losses from the i8
Unfortunately, BMW has gone all-in on giving China what it wants, and forcing the rest of the world to look at it.
Here’s a radical idea: Make ugly shit with digital assistants for China, and give the rest of us our Ultimate Driving Machines back.
It really makes you nostalgic for the 80s when industries were catering to newly rich Americans, and forcing the rest of the world to look at it.
Ostentatious grilles are as American as apple pie. See: current gen pickup trucks
Dear lord. Every time I think BMW can’t possibly make an uglier vehicle, they manage to prove me wrong. I’m legitimately impressed. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion.