When the BMW XM launched, it had a problem. Okay, it had a few problems. Looks aside, here was a flagship BMW M SUV that was actually slower from zero-to-sixty than an X5 M Competition. Picture a salesperson trying to explain that to a customer. However, BMW seems to have found a way around that problem. This new XM Label Red gets a significant bump in horsepower but unfortunately, just before the prototype was signed off on, the designers found it.
Instead of the regular XM’s 644 horsepower, the Label Red puts out 738 horsepower and 738 lb.-ft. of torque from the same 4.4-liter twin-turbo V8 plug-in hybrid powertrain, just with the wick turned up a touch. This means that the hideous monstrosity you see before you can run from zero-to-sixty in 3.7 seconds, a dead tie with the X5 M Competition (the regular X5 M is now dead) and far from the quickest M-badged vehicle BMW makes. The xDrive-equipped variants of the M3 and M4 wax this thing off the line, to say nothing of the M5 Competition. Awkward.
Well, if the XM Label Red can’t redeem its sins in a drag race, maybe it gets an ultra-focused Nordschleife-tuned chassis calibration to amp up the M in its name. With that in mind, this enormous display of vanity gets six-piston front calipers, adaptive dampers, active anti-roll bars, four-wheel-steering and oh wait, the regular XM gets all of that too. So, no special hardware here. I have the sense that this isn’t going quite the way that BMW planned it.
Alright, so if the XM Label Red doesn’t get any handling bits, surely it gets some extra toys to cement its top-dog status? Think again. Almost everything that’s optional on the regular XM is also optional here, including the Bowers & Wilkins sound system you see above and the M Driver’s Package that raises the top speed to 175 mph. In fact, the one thing that’s thrown in for free is selection from a 50-color palette of what BMW calls Individual paint. A kind gesture, until you realize that BMW did the same thing on the M8 for a while.
The big get other than power for the XM Label Red is, of course, red. BMW slathered some red paint on the grilles, side trims, wheels, and rear bumper, then let some laid-off Metal Mulisha employee go to town on the interior as well. It’s not a great look, so perhaps it’s not surprising that BMW will let customers delete the red exterior accents.
Detailed pricing hasn’t been announced for the XM Label Red, probably because everyone on the internet would keel over laughing. BMW previously claimed an MSRP of more than $185,000 which seems absurd given the sort of excellence you could buy for that sort of money. Porsche Cayenne Turbo GT, anyone?
For the record, I find well-executed performance SUVs entertaining in a good way. Sportier variants of the Porsche Cayenne corner like no SUV should without sacrificing ride quality, while the old Range Rover Sport SVR and Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk offer masterclasses in how to cover pockmarked highway at an astonishing rate. Dare I say, the Alpina XB7 might be the perfect three-row luxury SUV thanks to its sublime ride and Airbus-smooth acceleration.
However, the XM isn’t an Alpina XB7. It’s not a rocket-propelled sofa gliding on magic air suspension. It’s nowhere close to tasteful, something certainly made worse by the sheer ugliness of the regular XM. To be fair, the XM does look better in person, but only in the same way that certain wounds don’t look quite as nasty in person. You could certainly call BMW’s range of performance SUVs diverse, given how it includes one of the best on the market and one of the most vain examples ever conceived.
There’s a chance that history will look back fondly on the XM Label Red but from where I’m sitting, it feels like the result of marketers in Munich sniffing their own hubris. It’s the sort of vehicle that if you see one, you just know you’d never want to invite the owners around to your place for dinner. Basically, expect to see these things roaming the streets of Calabasas by the end of the year.
Please, someone, explain why this is good. We are pro-car and want to see the upside here.
(Photo credits: BMW)
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I really don’t want to be the one to say it, but someone should tell BMW that in that color and with the big red lips it reminds me unfavorably of… y’know… bl*ckf*c*? Not good.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawn_jockey
Childhood neighbor had one of these.
Quite possibly the ugliest regular production car ever offered. Might upstage the Pontiac Aztec or the Edsel (with which it shares a surprisingly similar front end language) Has BMW lost their effing mind-I never really liked the Bangle cars but even at the time they felt like A) cohesive designs B) were still tastefully finished and detailed. I’ve seen more tastefully winged, hood-scooped, and GT-R badged Civics! Who the f is even the target buyer for this, a 16 year old? Was the design inspiration for this a 1990s car stereo?? Like this is levels’ of bad that makes me want to sell my current BMW AND never admit that I’ve ever owned any of their cars. I feel like the person finding out their favorite musician is actually a total trash human and wondering if I need to throw out all their albums and t shirts.
Something tells me few will be ordered with the red trim but by the time it is on the third or fourth owner, there will be red trim on nearly every one of them.
Maybe the strategy here is to make it look even worse so that we are tricked into thinking the base design is actually not that bad. Not fooling me.
Each purchase comes with a free red sharpie so the A pillar red line can be extended to connect with the red beltline.
Introducing the new BMW 7 XM Citroen M5 Le Mons Competition Supersport Label Red Landau Brougham Global Edition!
BMW has reached peak 70s Cadillac levels of ridiculous.
They really seem to be taking advice from The Society of Putting Things On Top of Other Things.
What does that weird old British guy think of the design? I think we need to hear his take.
I think the “designers” drew inspiration for the grille from a baboon’s ass.
The red accents around the kidneys are better than the new BMW Xwhatever on the street the other day – completely blacked out with the glossy-black trim, the thing I noticed first and really the only impression it made as we crossed in traffic was of the blanked-off fake grille space, like someone stuck corrugated siding on the nose of the car.
I too came across one in a parking lot recently, and actually walked over to look at the grill. It’s even worse and more shameful when you’re close up and see the fake-ness. Seems very out of (well, previous anyway) BMW character.
Whatever design language BMW is speaking these days, it isn’t human.
There are two reasons why I think this THING is good:
I just kept snickering every time I read “Label Red”. They probably wanted to call it “Red Label”, but Johnnie Walker sued them. The vehicle itself looks okay for a modern SUV, but I don’t find it a timeless design. Barring the front end, it looks pretty much like every other car on the road lately.
Just like I imagine the animosity between BMW with its various M and M Sport designations and the British M-Sport enterprise that runs Ford’s rally program.
You know what: Celebrate an auto manufacturer willing to make some polarizing choices. Is it hideous? Sure! But its not BORING.
I pooped my pants a little…happened while dry heaving.
I appreciate them taking inspiration from the A Team van, but the execution leaves something to be desired…
If no one else can help
And if you can find them
Maybe you can hire … the B-Team.
[insert sound of machine guns and Bavarian folk music]
Mr. T pitying various fools while dressed in lederhosen would be rather amusing.
My lord, this thing is hideous – and yet STILL somehow more tolerable than a Rolls Royce Cullinan.
Sorry about this duplicate – please ignore
I am also “pro-car” https://www.bmw-m.com/en/topics/magazine-article-pool/the-bmw-m1-procar.html
Oh my lord, that thing is hideous – and yet STILL manages to look better than the Rolls Royce Cullinan.
I think the important takeaway here is that the Smart fortwo sharpred was ahead of its time, and such a trendsetting vehicle is bound to be a future collectible, and Mercedes needs to add one to her collection stat.
https://www.netcarshow.com/Smart-fortwo_sharpred-2012-1280-02.jpg
Looks like something a bougie Sergeant Bosco Albert “B.A.” Baracus would own. Instead of BA people would just call him Al.
This *creature* needs to be impaled with a wooden staken driven through its 4.4-liter twin-turbo V8 plug-in hybrid powertrain heart.
It’s literally lipstick on a pig. The point of this is to openly mock the people that buy BMWs. Their design direction and marketing strategy over the last several years has been to troll, and unfortunately it’s been very effective. I firmly believe that no one at that company actually thinks any of this nonsense looks good.
But it’s not supposed to, it’s supposed to generate hate-buzz in the click economy and they’re masterful at it. The cars basically advertise themselves as a result, BMW gets to sit back and go LOL YOU’RE SO MAD BRO HAHAHA, and the conspicuous consumption crowd continues to gravitate towards their products because in their little consumerist pea brains MORE IS MORE!
They don’t care about cars looking good or driving well, they care about being noticed and everyone knowing they have money. That’s BMW’s clientele now, not enthusiasts. As someone who’s always been a fan of BMW and the ethos of their driving oriented cars it definitely makes me sad and frustrated, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Enthusiasts aren’t their market anymore.
They’re more or less going for the Tesla crowd now…clout chasers and new money tech bro types. Driving and styling isn’t the point for them. Getting noticed is, and I’ll be damned if these ridiculous vehicles don’t get noticed. Mission accomplished, unfortunately. If you want there to be literally any connection to the old BMW left in the next couple of years go buy an M2 and talk with your wallet. Unfortunately we (enthusiasts) don’t do that though….and the conspicuous consumption crowd does.
I think you’re right, I’d just add that BMW’s target market has moved downward a little in recent years.
Tesla’s appeal to the upper classes is partly that of a positional good, something that’s desirable in part b/c others can’t have it (in this case, geographic infrastructure differences, etc.) as well as price.
This was BMW’s previous appeal (back in the pre-lease days, you had to have the money to buy one!), maintained for decades, which is why it’s now desirable to a wider audience. BMW has decided to embrace that wider audience I think, which is why stuff like this now.
You’re correct. Their whole business is essentially leasing at this point. I can’t remember the last time I pulled up a Carfax on a modern used BMW that didn’t start with “personal lease vehicle”. To me it seems like the lifecycle of a modern Bimmer is:
1). Leased to someone who can’t afford to buy it as a status piece.
2). Bought by someone with a level of car knowledge certified.
3). Warranty ends/car explodes mechanically.
4). Slow descent to hooptie
BMW seems to maybe be following a similar trajectory to the baby name phenomenon that Freakonomics memorably covered – that certain names become popular with the upper classes, which draws the attention of middle classes as they name their children, which then eventually migrates down the economic ladder. Which becomes the tipping point to cause the upper classes to no longer use those names.
agreed, feels like every car they release now is some sort of departmental dare to see how bad they can make a car look and still sell.
Looks like an 8-bit video game pig that smells something interesting.
BMW has lost their design direction. This is a pathetic lump, those bleeding nostrils ugh! Lay off the coke bitcoin bruh.
It’s like the designers spent a weekend in Miami, saw all the cars wrapped in ‘custom’ vinyl trim rolling up to valet at the club, and thought “why don’t we just offer that from the factory?”
I don’t hate the looks of this (sans ridiculous trim color) as much as most, and I completely agree that on paper this thing makes no sense when comparing performance to dollar. But let’s not kid ourselves. We know who this will be for.
Dentists and plastic surgeons all over will be rolling up to their 8am tee time and bragging to their buddy Tim about how amazing their Label Red is. Kids will be getting picked up at elementary schools by parents who want to show they didn’t just get the X5 like their neighbor Karen did.
BMW builds cars for wealthy upper-middle class people, looking to signal they’ve ‘made it’.
Traditionally, that meant yuppies and professionals in Europe and North America. Thanks to growing wealth inequality in western counties, (especially the USA) that lucrative market is shifting to Asia.
This is why western automotive media and enthusiasts are repeatedly baffled by BMW’s design decisions- yet BMW continues to double down. That seemingly universal criticism is purely western-centric, BMW knows exactly who their most important customers are, and designs to their tastes.
Also, can I get some clarification on what ‘Pro-Car’ means? With all due respect, I would never wear that shirt. Cars are the dominant form of transportation almost everywhere, they do not need my support. Cars are going to be just fine!
I love cars for the fascinating and attainable mechanical wonders that they are, not for any political motives, and that shirt can be associated with rhetoric that is actively hostile to policies aimed at improving transportation safety and effectiveness in my area.
Like many, I followed the gang of writers here from Jalopnik, and have stuck around because this site isn’t a technical dumpster fire that excludes me from commenting and engaging with the articles. I really have no issues with the ‘old site’s editorial takes and broad approach to transportation content. I like reading about cars from an offbeat and sometimes outsider perspective, it feels approachable to my sensibilities and economic realities.
Anyways I really like The Autopian, I come here almost every day. You guys are solidly knocking it out of the park with the most engaging automotive blog. Keep up the good work, but don’t forget about us bike and train loving weirdos!
Waiting for the “Pro Car…..because I sweat too much to ride my bike everywhere” option.
Or “Pro Car….but drive a Crosstrek because I’m too frugal to justify buying anything really fun”
Love your take on the website and the pro car concept, felt the same.
To get back to your point on the actual bmw strategy, it’s maybe valid from a growth perspective, but let’s not forget that the biggest market for bmw is still Europe, by far, than America, than the east.
By doing theses monstrosities to grow, i would be afraid to cut myself from my actual biggest markets.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
You’re definitely right, they do run the risk of alienating their loyal Europeans customers. Maybe they figure as long as they keep offering traditional 3 and 5 series, they have those bases covered.
At some point they will hit the limit of how ostentatious their designs can be without eroding the brand, and the needle will have to swing the other way. It seems they are still very focused on pushing those boundaries.
I think you need to clarify the statement “that shirt can be associated with rhetoric that is actively hostile to policies aimed at improving transportation safety and effectiveness in my area.”? I do not take that as anything except as supporting cars.
Obviously at a base level the shirt just means ‘I like cars’. Unfortunately in some locales, reactionary politicians have drawn lines in the sand around investing in public transit and urban infrastructure as ‘pro’ or ‘anti-car’ which is obviously bullshit, but that rhetoric exists, and we have to live by it.
I love cars as an enthusiast, but I also support public transit, sheltered bicycle lanes, etc as these upgrades improve driving expedience, and the safety of all road users. I wouldn’t want to be perceived by others in my community as against that.
Same. I love cars. I also love mass transit, bikes, and car free options that allow for better communities. And a shirt saying PRO CAR would just get interpreted as “dumb woke libs want to take my Hellcat. Murica!” Perception matters.
This is an excellent, concise take on why (as a lifelong car enthusiast) I’d balk at actually wearing this shirt.
The way I usually put it is, I like cars and enjoy driving, but I don’t want to have to use one everydamntime I walk out my front door and *nobody* enjoys sitting in traffic.
Market segmentation and designing for a specific target audience is a topic that doesn’t come up as often as it should, so I appreciate you bringing up that point! I’m sure many in automotive are aware of it, but also know that readers may not be interested in exploring “Who’s this for”
That said, the XM seems like it was designed for the wealthy who want to make a statement and specifically don’t want to blend in, while projecting an image. The XM will surely turn more heads than an X5/X6/Range Rover/Cayenne/Mercedes, etc.
The plug-in part is a strong indication this isn’t aimed squarely at North America. London exempts PHEVs from Congestion Tax. In China, where foreign built cars easily cost their MSRP in taxes and tariffs, NEVs (New Energy Vehicles) like PHEVs are exempt from purchase taxes.
In Shanghai, NEVs get free registration while ICE registrations are capped by a quota. If you want to register an ICE vehicle, you have to buy it via auction and it can cost as much as 15k simply to get a plate.
Viewed that way, the XM suddenly makes sense