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Onan:children::GM:sticking to a good idea
This made my whole day today. You guys are seriously hilarious. And I’m glad I was the only one in the office today when I read it.
The irony of banning “jacking off” for something that involves a car-adjacent euphemism that ends up being more graphic than the original banned term.
But I support it because lets get real, it’s going to allow Torch to run absolutely wild with creative euphemisms and that’s probably a solid third of the reason why I’m here.
If we could post GIFs I’d send the “Lighten Up Francis” meme toward David. Seriously though, I understand the effort to not let everything go to shit with your content. It’s probably easy to start that downward slide.
But, this was a quote. Journalistic integrity demands to maintain the correct reference to the source material!
Also, the Onan story in the bible; It always bothered me a lot that Catholics and other religions turned that in to, “masterbation=bad.” If anything I think God was just pissed that Onan disobeyed him. They just wanted an excuse. Might be the start of my asking questions and sliding into atheism, once upon a time…
No mention of substituting the word Wankel for it. Or perhaps “flogging the angry Dorito”.
Wankel should only be used for failed attempts, as it implies something is broken.
You have to really wring them out to get anything out of them, but they make such a happy scream as it approaches the limiter.
Serious emissions out of dem Wankels.
They go through a lot of lube, too!
Dorito?
Mine looks more like a burrito.
OH – You meant your Mazda!
Stroking my Wankel.
If only Wankel’s actually had an equivalent to camshaft stroke…
Clearly you’re all masters of your domain
Exactly! That was the show/episode that ended that taboo on network tv; it’s common now (er, on tv I mean), but back then, that episode was quite talked about. Also, it was 1992.
They’re kings (and queens) of the castle!
I support this decision.
“Yoking the driveshaft” is excluding those who identify as front wheel drive.
“Lubing the crank” is too obvious.
“Lapping the valves” is too old-fashioned.
“Finding the shifter detent” doesn’t roll off the tongue very well.
“Yanking up on the handbrake” is a little too violent.
“Choking the flaming chicken” just has a whole heap of Firebird-related issues.
So this works for me failing anything else.
Deploying the airbag?
Brb grabbing the jiffy lube for an Onan change
Now that we have the blessing of the editors on high, go forth and spread the message. 🙂
I continue to find David’s lines in the sand confusing. This site has a daily article named The Morning Dump. I guess poop jokes are okay but masturbation is not?
I don’t know who any of these people are, but she comes off as a judgy bitch, so I guess they’re well matched? I mean, imagine the horror of someone liking both meditation and the song Hallelujah! What a monster!
Again, I don’t know anything about either of these people so I’m writing from a position of complete ignorance outside of the tiny keyhole peep I got from this article. But I’d rather hang out with someone who likes meditation than someone who’s high on shrooms and likes giving other people shit for their taste in music.
I guess poop jokes are okay but masturbation is not?
Sometimes this place does seem like network television circa the mid-80s, doesn’t it?
This about as long as I can make a firm argument without pulling a boner, so I’ll snip off the excess and say I’m a little puzzled about that, too.
The site regularly runs a feature called Shitbox Showdown, there are regularly profanities, jokes, references, and double entendres. We’re pretty firmly in PG-13+ territory. What’s wrong with “jacking/jerking off?”
Hubris is never advisable, although Hugh Bris would make a pretty good pseud.
or the name of an overconfident mohel!
You’d think they wouldn’t be so cocky when they barely made the cut.
True, and it wasn’t like Hugh was much of a barber either.
Every customer got the same treatment, just a little off the
tiptop.How many MPG (Mohels Per Gallon) do you get?
I think they’d be more fairly evaluated on a time/work-produced metric. You’d need something snappy as a mnemonic, along the lines of “how much wood could a woodchuck chuck” etc.
But for skins.
aaaand I should remember to read “mohel” as it’s pronounced.
(It’s an old Irish name, right?)
It’s likely our damn puritanical background here in America. Also explains why we can have violence but can’t have sexual imagery on broadcast tv while they do in Europe.
David being of a partially German upbringing though does raise the question why he’d be the one to make a fuss.
Yeah, it’s just even weirder because they’re both bodily functions. It’s splitting that pubic hair really thin.
I do find it strange that celebrity relationships now seem to have the sole purpose of having material for future diss tracks. I mean, not surprising, but boy are there a lot of pop songs that seem to have the primary purpose of shitting on specific exes these days. I guess if you’re dating a pop star, I suppose you’re signing up for the 95% chance that you’re going to be a punchline.
This is not a problem that I have, personally.
I’m only 51, but I assume Carly Simon was singing about me.
I mean, my non-Autopian name is Dave Coulier, but I doubt any of my exes have ever written anything negative about me. Or at least I’m not aware.
If they did, you feel like you oughta know, right?
You, you, you… Have a point there.
Do we need a euphemism for thinking of Alanis Morissette while, um, doing something else in particular?
One hand in my pocket…
Onan finishing with Cummins is indeed a happy ending.
Was it a 2-stroke or a 4-stroke?
This is the hard hitting journalism I bought a membership for!
“Rev up your Onans”
“From now on, I’ll lube my own crankshaft!” Bruce Campbell in Bubba Hotep.
Ha, what a ludicrous movie. Love Bruce Campbell.
The Autopian Cunning Linguists and Master Debaters.
Buffing the Bishop, nice.
I originally learned that as Flogging the Bishop, but that doesn’t sound very pleasant. I’m not one for flogging. Buffing however…
He’s suspiciously quiet on the topic
Yeah, pretty sure given one of the writers, that’s not self appreciation, that’s a favour.
I can’t stop worrying about David’s poor Uncle Jack stuck up there on the roof.
I haven’t laughed this hard at a post all week! Thank you.
And I hope Jason is ok.
I feel like “Buffing the Bishop” would mean something VERY different on this site.
Wait, what’s wrong with seeing a mysterious car designer/site contributor get a makeover? We could have judgey British people yelling at everyone (Uncle Adrian?) just like us Americans like.
Personally, I’m glad our editors are Onan up to their arguments.
Wow, it’s great to see you guys had your tip to tip moment.
This is all like peering out the window in the shower, to the pool
I read this as peeing out the shower window into the pool. I’m not sure which is worse.
Lolololololololololololololololololololololo
As someone who lives but 80 miles from the town of Onancock…
Sorry. I was trying to slide in a personal reference there, but it was a bit of a reach.
Good ol’ Onancock. Do you ever go to Woody’s Auto Services?
I haven’t even driven through in years. Maybe if I lived 11 miles closer.
That would place you 69 miles away. 69 is a good number. That’s the year my Triumph GT6 was manufactured.
Good lord. Okay, worth the wait. Anticipating next week’s SlackTales…with bated breath.
Would you say that you’ve mastered the art of bated breath?
No, I leave it to the pros.