You know how it is. One minute you’re comfortably in your noisy alternative nineties bubble, headbanging along to Machine Head and playing Metallica’s “Black Album” on repeat. Then you buy a terrible rock compilation album that contains a song you don’t know titled Temple of Love (the goth national anthem) and you’re immediately transfixed by the operatic wailing of Ofra Haza over a driving bassline and Andrew Eldritch’s cynical baritone. Before you know it you’re drinking snakebite and black, smoking clove cigarettes, and dousing yourself in patchouli oil. You’ve wandered over to the dark side. Come on in. The water’s lovely.
Why does goth continue to endure? Plenty of sub-cultures have come and gone over the years, as their raison d’etre has evaporated. But goth survives and thrives in the main because it’s tolerant and welcoming. Those on the margins of society will always find a home among the black-clad hordes. It’s an incredible canvas that means there’s no one way to be a goth – the music is the bedrock from which the darkness ferments but it pulls influences from all over the place: art, literature, movies, and fashion.
Cars are an extension of ourselves, how we present our personalities to the outside world. Goth if nothing else is sub-culture of self expression – so how does the goth about town…. well get about town? You need a decent sound system for blasting out your terrible taste in music to the neighborhood. How else are passers-by going to enjoy the self-mocking lyrics of “Black No.1″ by Type O Negative? Headroom for ridiculous hair is a bonus – if you’ve spent hours blow drying and backcombing before freezing the whole ‘do with enough hairspray to make a new hole in the ozone layer the last thing you want is it crushed against the headliner. Depending on what goth look you’re going for it’s likely you’ll be wearing multiple layers of PVC, velvet or leather, so you want an industrial-grade HVAC system so you don’t sweat off all your carefully applied makeup. No one wants to look like Brandon Lee in the Crow. Unless that’s exactly what you’re going for in which case good grief. Plenty of legroom is a useful commodity as well. I can personally attest that trying to drive an NC Miata in stompy boots is not recommended unless you enjoy having your knees jammed into the bottom of the steering wheel and fluffing your clutch control at every green light.
If you’re considering joining us here’s your guide to some appropriate wheels. You won’t find any hearses here because unless they’re a Cadillac they generally look look awful and are whopping cliche. There’s no Munster’s Koach or Dragula either because that would be too easy. Plus you’re not finding either of those on Craigslist. So slide your copy of “In the Flat Field” by Bauhaus into the CD player, put your black Aviators on and let’s take a turn onto Detonation Boulevard.
Land Rover Defender
A vehicle fashioned entirely from pig iron and abandoned railway infrastructure. I once described the Defender as being equal parts Blake’s satanic mills and British sheer bloody-mindedness, a turn of phrase I was so pleased with I’m repeating it here. A vehicle so stubborn and set in its ways it existed for the last thirty or so years of its life essentially unchanged. A clanging metaphor for the industrial decline of Great Britain.
To look at a Defender is to understand it immediately. Its identity is right there on the surface. Flat panels, simple angles, and sharp corners make up a no-nonsense, get-shit-done demeanor. Any repair on a Defender can be fixed with a cheap socket set and a decent hammer, perfect for industrial goths and rivetheads.
This sort of goth is occasionally seen foraging around flea markets for military surplus clothing before scurrying back to their communal artistic squat. Once there using an obsolete brick of a workstation laptop running an obscure Linux kernel they’ll log into the alt.gothic Usenet group nobody reads anymore to gatekeep what is and isn’t considered goth. They probably plan to make a (very) few extra quid on Bandcamp by sampling the clanging and crashing of the Defender’s suspension and releasing it as an industrial track. Dressed for the apocalypse? These fuckers are waiting for it.
- Alternative Vehicles: Steyr-Puch Pinzgauer, Volvo C304.
- Dresses Like: A failed extra from Mad Max: Fury Road.
- Dances To: Cabaret Voltaire. Throbbing Gristle. Ministry. Einstürzende Neubauten. KMFDM. Combichrist. Concorde crashing into a saucepan factory.
- Watches: Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. Elysium. That black and white video of the Teletubbies set to Joy Division.
1938 Phantom Corsair
There’s a whole subgenre of goths who refuse to enter the twenty-first century. They watched movies like Sweeney Todd and Dorian Gray and thought yes that’s the world I want to exist in. I want to pretend to be nobility in a world of grubby street urchins, malnutrition, and general lack of sanitation. Some of these velveted faux toffs even pretend to be vampires. “I’m Count Lucius Mahogany de Ponsonby and this is the Countess. We’ve been undead for four hundred years.” No you’re John and Jane Bloggs from Shittleworth under Lyme. She’s a nursery schoolteacher and you spend your days chained to a cubicle for the local council. No amount of drinking cheap red wine from a Gothic Legends goblet pretending its blood is going to change that.
You know the sort of frock-coated posers I’m talking about. They’re the ones prancing down Flowergate with a cane and opera glasses at ten am during Whitby Goth Weekend, when the rest of us are trying to find a fried breakfast and a morning beer to get the day started. When caught in the throes of passion it takes two hours to get their brocade waistcoats and twenty layers of underwear off and outside of two Whitby weekends a year they’re the most boring people you could wish to meet.I’m going to take a little bit of artistic liberty here, because no cars existed during the mid to late nineteenth-century period these high-collared fops draw their aesthetic from. Alright a few did but they were tillered steered death carts powered by boilers that were more likely to shake your stupid top hat off your head. Influential style for the decadent romantic arrived with art deco in 1925 so what better conveyance for those with a supposed aversion to daylight than the one-off Phantom Corsair of 1938. Built on the bones of equally deco (and incredibly advanced) Cord 812, designed by Russ Heinz and built by Bohman & Schwartz coachbuilders, it was intended for limited production but only one was ever built.
Importantly for our romantic goths leaving their mansion (new build three bedroom semi-detached) this gloss black land crab has a drinks cabinet and no glazing for the rear passenger compartment lest the occupants be exposed to sunlight or more likely onlookers snickering at how pretentious they look.
- Alternatives: 1936 Lincoln Zephyr V12. Chrysler PT Cruiser.
- Dresses Like: Queen Victoria and Prince Albert about to hit the club. Jerry Seinfeld in his puffy shirt.
- Listens to: This Mortal Coil, The Cocteau Twins. Dead Can Dance. Any meandering trad goth bands with swirling vocals, and indecipherable lyrics who get to the melody about five minutes into the track.
- Watches: Coppola’s Dracula. Only Lovers Left Alive. That one with Colin Firth coming out of a fucking pond soaking wet.
Nissan Cube
With massive hair and huge stompy boots covered in fur, Cybergoths require a lot of room in a practical quirky package, so what better than a Nissan Cube? The specialist hairdresser who used to make my fake dreadlocks for me had one of these. He also had a house in North London painted black and a garden decorated with disembodied doll parts. Pretty sure that kept the neighbors away. When you charge what he did you can afford to be odd.
This is what happens after the apocalypse. Emerging from the ruins Goths discover color, stick a load of bright plastic wires and tubing into their hair, and decide to go dancing. Looking like they’d fallen to Earth from an orbital rave spaceship, gas masks, and goggles looked over the top but were necessary to survive the overpowering smoke machines in Slimelight on a Saturday night at the turn of the century.
Everything went to shit about a year and nine months after the turn of the millennium so the Y2K future cybergoths lean into never happened, but that doesn’t stop them from embracing the futuristic and quirky by sticking circuit boards to their faces and pretending to be dance robots. The look is less popular than it used to be, but the bright color and over-the-top accessorizing made it popular in Japan, so expect the Instagram scene kids to rediscover it and ‘invent’ it again soon.
- Alternatives: Scion xB. Feisar FX300.
- Looks like: A pharmaceutically addled rainbow-colored Muppet from hell.
- Dances to: Apoptygma Bezerk. Icon of Coil. Covenant. The skin-peeling screech of a ZX Spectrum loading screen. Car alarms.
- Watches: Any drama-filled anime, apparently without irony as if there wasn’t enough real-life goth scene drama going on in 2000 to crash Livejournal several times over.
Jaguar XJ12 Series III
There’s a certain kind of goth above the other goths. They have taste and sophistication. You’ll find them sitting sagely at the back of the goth club with a long drink looking fabulous, silently judging everyone else’s debauchery. Cruising through life like they’re gliding through a simulation, barely a thread out of place on their immaculately tailored and considered outfit which is vintage couture or some shit. You never see how good their make-up is because they never, ever remove their sunglasses, even indoors. What kind of car befits such dark elegance and a freezing cold demeanor? A Jaguar XJ12 of course. Before 1999 I would have suggested a 1961 fourth-generation Lincoln Continental but the release of the fucking Matrix ruined that car and the wearing of leather trench coats and wrap-around shades for goths everywhere.
Jaguars have always been the car for those people who in the immortal words of one British ex-Member of Parliament describing another, have “something of the night” about them – in other words a sordid past and a closet stuffed with skeletons. Which makes them the perfect car for the goth elder statesperson to swan about in. Light another Sobranie Black Russian and exhale, full of ennui as the uncaring nighttime cityscape rolls past your tinted windows to the strains of Duran Duran’s “The Chauffeur.” Place the back of your hand to your forehead. It’s all just so unbearable darling.
- Alternative wheels: 1986 Cadillac Eldorado. Toyota Century. 1983 Chrysler Executive.
- Looks like: One of the Blitz kids forty years too late.
- Listens to: Kraftwerk. Visage. The Neon Judgement. Ladytron. Laus Nomi. The Triadic Ballet.
- Watches: The Hunger. The Neon Demon. Heathers. That one scene from AHS Hotel with Lady Gaga. You know the one I’m talking about.
1994 Impala SS
It’s not all about spending all afternoon trying to pour yourself into restrictive black clothing before heading out to the night club in a haze of absinthe and clove cigarette smoke. That’s far too much effort for a delicate flower being crushed under the weight of a cruel world. Sometimes you just want to grab your gang and head to the local dive bar, drink all their tequila and take over the jukebox by playing goth crap all night. Scaring the normies, copious alcohol, and music. It’s what being a goth is all about.
The Impala SS is a car so goth I’m surprised it doesn’t run on eyeliner. A gloomy cavernous interior means there’s enough room for everyone without a spontaneous making-out session happening which is always an occupational hazard when a load of drunken goths are in close proximity to each other. The standard sound system probably isn’t up to much but because most goth music sounds like it was recorded in the toilets at the Batcave it doesn’t matter. It’s the perfect chariot for regular goths who are not trying too hard to be scenesters.
Long, low, languid with a skulking marauding presence on the road the slinky Impala SS, was basically marketed to goths from the off with its ‘Lord Vader Your Car is Ready’ tagline. I know because as soon as I saw that magazine spread in Car & Driver I wanted one. My budget didn’t stretch to a new Impala so I had to settle for a second-hand Z28 Camaro which with three friends aboard fried its brakes on the Yorkshire hills descending into Whitby and destroyed its back axle on the way home. I sold it to a drag racer who wanted the four-speed auto box.
- Alternative Wheels: Anything, as long as it’s out of the ordinary and black. Buick GNX.
- Looks like: Low effort modern-day Gary Numan. Siouxsie Sioux nipping out for a packet of cigarettes.
- Listens to: Ok fine the usual shite: The Sisters of Mercy. The Cult. Type O Negative.
- Watches: The Crow (ugh. Killer soundtrack though). Hellraiser. Any of the decent Tim Burton movies. Near Dark. Live footage of the Sisters of Mercy on YouTube because fucking Eldritch won’t get his taciturn ass into a studio to release a new album.
So there’s your tongue-in-cheek and not-to-be-taken-seriously guide to cars for goths. We don’t take ourselves seriously and neither should you. As we like to say, goth is a joke you’re either in on or you’re the butt of. So come over to the dark side. We have the best looks, the best music, and the best cars. All it costs is your soul. Just try not to snag your fishnets on the seat mountings when you’re getting out.
- You Don’t Want To Face The Wrath Of A British Goth Car Designer: COTD
- What Happens When Goths Become Vanlifers: Comment Of The Day
- You Can Now Buy A Real-Life 525 HP Batman Batmobile, But You Don’t Want To Know How Much It Costs
- It’s Halloween, Here Are The Scariest Cars Out There
- One Last Ride: 1995 Cadillac Fleetwood vs 2005 Cadillac Deville
Jaguar XJ12 Series III screams “dark academia.” You have a wood and leather library that smells like cigars, a wardrobe with a lot of dark plaid, and a torture dungeon.
I’m not sure if I should be proud or scared I recognize most of these band and own albums from several.
My edgy transport is an old BMW Airhead since it provides an excuse for black leather and boots. I do go off on a musical tangent, if I’m feeling bleak I like Molchat Dolma, or the old standby Joy Division.
May I interject here? In my area if you aren’t commanding a Amish Buggy you are a poser.
Never got the whole Goth thing even though it started when I was in high school. But my ideas that Defender is more steam punk than goth. The jag more mafia than goth. The juke is too happy a car to be goth. Also I’m too old to be goth anymore because I’d be arrested hanging out with teenage girls.
Never too old to be goth. I’m a 36 year old goth girl and you’re welcome to hang out with me. Also, when in our element, goths are often some of the most weirdly happy and comfortable people you’ll ever meet.
No 60s/70s PLCs? I would think a black over red velour Continental Mark IV or V, Buick Riviera, or Grand Prix would be perfect. A bustle-back Cadillac Seville would also be a good sub for the Impala SS, as would a Mercury Marauder.
Yes to a degree on the Maruader. No on the bustleback Seville.
Even in two-tone silver and black?
C’mon man! If we can’t get the goths to drive these, then who will?!?
Now I know about Rick Owens. Holy shit…
There’s a ‘goth’ group/collective/pod whatever living in a small town of about 15k near where I live. One of them drives a lowered blacked out ls400. Actually looks great. He’s got what look like 19’s on it as well. Of course in black. They seem like ok folks. They hang out at the local
Tim Hortons coffee shop. A couple of the others drive various ancient half tons and older Hyundai and Honda products.
Keep an eye on them in hot weather. They may need tempting into the shade with colored alcohol.
I’m far to old for them to been seen associating with. I went to school with a bunch of folks who were goths. This was back in the dark ages of the early 80’s. Was fine with them. Lost contact after graduation. Same as the punks and hippies from the 70’s. I was a huge fan of Bauhaus when they were big. Also liked Skinny Puppy from Vancouver.
I think this might be my favorite article of yours so far.
High praise because I’ve written some pretty fucking good stuff.
Hey are Goths the ones who go to the midnight show of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and sing along? They look very similar. BTW if you have never gone and they still do it go.
I have an abject hatred of musicals.
While I own Typo O’s October Rust on a CD somewhere, and love Black no.1 and the Summer Breeze cover, I never really went goth. Partly because I used too see clothes more as a necessity than a statement, and partly because I never got stuck in any single music genre, with friends covering most genres (mostly metal and techno though)
The cars interest me a lot more, and reading this and then the comments I realized how many FWD cars are perfect Goth cars.
The mentioned Phantom Corsair and PT Cruiser, the first Olds Toronado(I remember falling completely in love with it in Stephen Kings ‘the Dark Half’ and my teenage brain being so disappointed that it was FWD), and Citroens SM, ID/DS and even more the Traction Avant. I guess having no driveshaft makes it easier to make the middle of the car low enough to get that sinister look.
The 60’s suicide door Lincolns have always been an obvious choice, but Matrix, Kalifornia, Crash(1996, not 2004) and the music video for Marilyn Mansons version of Tainted Love have probably ruined it for anyone who doesn’t want to look too ‘mainstream’ XD
Any Virgil Exner car in the right colour would also work. And as has been mentioned on the Autopian before Imperials always did look kinda evil somehow.
(I also think the Polestar 2 in black can look pretty sinister with its low roofline and tiny windows, but if you’re 6ft tall you’re not wearing any platforms or any tall hairstyles in it. )
+1 for 66-67 Olds Toronado and Citroens SM, and DS.
No GNX? If it was good enough for Darth Vader, it should be good enough for a Goth.
Also, how could you fail to mention the Alfa Romeo “BAT” cars?
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/40/1953_Alfa_Romeo_BAT_5_Concept_Car_fvl_%28cropped%29.jpg
GNX was mentioned as an alternate for the Impala SS.
A three-wheeled Morgan or a Messerschmitt are good Goth cars. The Schmitt looks like a coffin.
Those are too steampunk.
Steampunk is a load of bullshit and thanks for coming to my TED talk.
I love everything about this article and this site. That is all.
You love me the most though.
Anyone ever tell you that you look like Seth in the American version of Ghosts?
OK then, what if I do? Article worth the price for portraits of Adrian. The Bentley shot a bit, erm, awkward. But TT is poster or T-shirt material for sure.
I get that the PT cruiser was a joke, but it points to a real need for an accessible, practical alternative, especially for goths inconveniently encumbered with gothlings (gargoyles, spawn, what’s the mot juste here?). Nominating the Lincoln MKT:
-amply available used in triple black in the Town Car trim
-just the right whiff of hearse without being a hearse (although it did get converted ).
-in my opinion: looks good at first but if you look too long it makes you depressed and vaguely uncomfortable
Baby bats.
As a gothling, I wanted a black PT because it looked like a miniature hearse. As a fully grown goth with a baby bat often in tow, I go for…mostly 2-seater sports cars because looks and performance absolutely matter way more than practicality. Just ask any goth how we feel about our attire vs. the practicality of taking a piss at the club. We’re willing to put up with A LOT of bullshit in pursuit of coolness.
You need a Dodge Magnum SRT8 in your life.
As a little bit of a secret Mopar whore, I’d be down with that. But I prefer my vehicles to be tiny overall
You could get a Triumph GT6 and convert it into a 2+2 with an upholstery kit.
An interesting choice, but I have no real experience with Triumphs
They’re like MGs, but somehow worse.
On the one hand, “but somehow worse,” is usually a good way to draw my attention. On the other, my negligible experience with properly British cars means that’s one probably best left to the experts. I’m not sure I can think like a 70s English factory worker
You need to be perma-drunk and on strike.
So, not far off from 70s Italians. You know I can handle my drinks and be a bit fighty. Maybe I should try a Triumph????
This is a very good point and makes clear that I am, in fact, not a goth.
We reviewed but ultimately declined your membership.
Oh, crap, just remembered a better one, the black Toronado from The Dark Half.
First time I ever saw one (rare outside the US), couldn’t sleep that night until I could find out about it.
I fell absolutely in love with the Toronado in that film. I was disappointed to later learn it was FWD, but now I think I’m old enough to live with that.