Summer is around the corner, and you’ll soon be sweating in your pants. You might be seeking relief, the kind that you could only get from a 20th-century vehicle with those flirty little vents under the steering wheel. Fear not, because an aftermarket solution is here to keep your private areas chilled.
Many years ago, the automotive industry cared about your nether regions. Many vehicles on the market included special vents beneath the steering wheel or glove box, which could be neatly directed below the waist as needed. Colloquially known as “crotch coolers,” these vents seemed to fall out of vogue by the mid-1990s. No more would you receive a stiff, cooling breeze Down Under. That luxury would be denied as the industry moved on.
Now, the technology is back again. It’s all thanks to a bit of creativity and the willingness of the aftermarket to peddle cheap, gimmicky plastic. Huzzah!
I won’t revisit the full history of crotch coolers; Jason Torchinsky already did a beautiful job of that last year. In any case, their value is obvious. They were simply low-mounted vents that were hooked up to the air conditioner, and could duct a cool breeze right between your thighs. It might sound frivolous or unnecessary, but the feature has been greatly appreciated by many drivers on a hot and humid day.
As automotive interior design progressed through the 1990s and beyond, the crotch cooler became less common, and eventually pretty much died out. It’s not really clear why, but as dashboards became sleeker, automakers seemed less willing to place nice low vents that were aimed between the legs.
Things changed a couple of years ago, when the idea was resurrected by “self-taught inventor” Matty Benedetto. As part of his Unnecessary Inventions channel on YouTube, he invented a new version of the device he nicknamed the “Jewel Cooler.” The idea was simple—he created a stick-on hose adapter to work with his Ford Bronco’s existing AC vent, using the magic of 3D printing.
When fitted to the AC vent, the flexible hose would guide cold air wherever one desired. Indeed, with the handy 3D-printed end nozzle, it was possible to neatly vent that air directly inside one’s shorts—a great leap forward ahead of the traditional crotch cooler design. The hose could be attached and detached at will using a magnetic base attached around the vent with double-sided tape. This was great for convenience, so you could easily uninstall your weird pants-chiller if you happened to be going out on date night or something.
Funnily enough, the invention recalls my own experiences driving around in the Ford Falcon during the hot Australian summers. Getting in a sun-roasted car after a long walk from the train was brutal, even more so on a day when the mercury exceeded 105 F. My aging AC would take some time to really bring temperatures down.
However, if I happened to be wearing a long-sleeved business shirt, I’d hold the cuff next to the dash vent to guide that chilling air down my sleeves and to my hot back, dripping in sweat. It was like being caressed by some kind of ice god out of Zelda or something, the kind of refreshment you could only get from the iciest of icy beverages.
Ultimately, Benedetto had largely created the device as an amusing curio for his YouTube channel. However, the plasticmongers of the world took notice, grabbed the invention, and ran with it.
You can now find jewel coolers on just about every online retailer out there. Amazon has them, eBay has them, and Walmart too, apparently. They’re typically retailing for less than $20 or so, and appear to use a different mounting scheme than Benedetto’s design. Instead of magnets and double-sided tape, they rely on a silicone clip that grabs onto the vanes of the AC vent.
I can’t be certain, but it appears these devices are being sold by parties other than Benedetto himself. Funnily enough, though, the products on sale all seem to use his same green-and-white color scheme. I’ve reached out to Benedetto directly for his opinion on this development.
In any case, if you regularly suffer from hot crotch, this could be the invention for you. Forget your humble 1970s crotch cooler, and duct modern ice-cold air directly to your most sensitive regions. It’s the new luxury of the summer.
Image credits: via Amazon, eBay, Walmart, Unnecessary Inventions via YouTube screenshot
Plainly, this idea is nuts. And squirrelly.
reminded me of that circa 2020 Jordan Peterson russian coma detox for benzos with the… interesting machine. I couldn’t find it, and now my phone is serving up some disturbing targeted ads. So anyway now i gotta clear my browser history of “Russian detox dick sucking machine” tracking. So thanks for that.
This guy is from my town, and I can tell you from experience growing up there in the ’80s that the majority of cars were un-air-conditioned through the entire crotch-cooler era.
NGL, all I can think of when I see this is NSFW.
Automakers, bring back the crotch chiller vents so this thing doesn’t have to haunt my imagination.
Sometimes I wish my engineer brain would shut off so I can enjoy amusing things, but instead it went “There’s no way they are getting good, laminar flow with all that corrugation – it is simply too disruptive and killing velocity and flow volume”. And yes, that really is verbatim the thought that entered my mind.
I was ridiculed at a family event 10 or 15 years ago for using the phrase “laminar flow.” I cannot remember why I used it. All I know is, to this day, my older sister will turn to me when anything is moving and ask, “Hey B, is that good laminar flow?” Don’t wish your engineering brain to turn off. Embrace it. And find a humorous sister that will play along. Now, if you actually envision the horizontal-arrows-image-thing-with-the-big-one-in-the-middle from your fluid mechanics textbook – then it might be time to seek help.
Just needs a scrotal tension based automatic temperature control.
Sometimes i really do wonder what the fuck is up with Other Men, exactly, because i’ve never once felt like i need to pipe cold air into my crotch.
Some people are just lucky, I definitely get swampy in the summer if the AC or the seats are not easily breathable.
Try it. Then report your change of heart.
Seems like the Mainstay of the majority of drivers in the US is the pickup truck, of all the vehicles with a space to place these from the factory the little panel wonder the steering wheel on a pick seems like a simple thing to place one of these, I am kind of surprised Ram did not put these on the new 2500’s and advertise it.
I thought this video looked familiar and welp — I covered this very video at The Drive when we both worked there, ha! I’m so stoked it’s since entered mass-market production. The aftermarket has responded!!! This is your sign, automakers! THIS IS IT! BRING BACK THE CROTCH VENT! Seat ventilation is not enough!
This guy is real ballsy to invent something like this!! 😉
I was onboard until they advocate I stick a tube up my shorts for driving. Nope. I’ll put a vent redirect below my steering wheel, but not a hose up my pants.
You could probably do something with little USB fans too, which gives me some ideas.
My ’96 Avalon has one on the driver’s side, my ’96 Sonoma has one on both sides, I don’t need this wacky gizmo.
I have an air nozzle for my compressor that has a long pipe on the end. It’s perfect for blowing cool air into my shoes. So nice in the summer.
compressed air blow gun in your work boots on a hot day is the best feeling you can achieve with your clothes on.
Using sources on google that seemed truthy. For optimal sperm production to take place, the testicles need to be 3.5 to 7 degrees F cooler than the body’s core temperature. From 1985 to 2005, there was a 32% drop in male fertility.
Just correlation with the phase out of the crotch cooler, or causation?
Less depressing theory than microplastics and teflon, so I’ll bite.
https://nogglenation.com/pets/ they make these for pets do direct the AC into the rear of the car.
Do ventilated seats not use A/C to cool the driver? Because that’d be great.
Yeah, my car has the track package! It’s got an engine oil cooler, a transmission cooler, a rear differential cooler, and even an air-to-perspiration undercooler!
Porsche does it correctly. The ventilated seats don’t blow air, they pull it away from you. To quote Matt Farah “It’s the fart evacuator!”
That’s the difference between ventilated seats and cooled seats.
So, my wife has been binge watching Ink Wars for some reason. I’ve been sort of listening in.
They had a challenge to do a complex tattoo on a very sensitive and complex spot. I came up from whatever I was doing and said “Please don’t tell me that they are going to be tattooing some dude’s balls.”
This invention seems to be tailored to such a tattoo placement.
For some reason I am imagining a weird conversation with the cops after you are pulled over with one of those things in your pants…And it’s probably an interesting one to say the least.
Maybe sales will take off if they hired Alec Baldwin and his “sweaty balls” for the “as seen on TV” commercial.
Crack “pipe”…
YMMV.
Schwetty Balls.
Cmon is “Jewel Cooler” really the best name we got? “Ball Blower” and “Breezy Balls” was *right there*
Use it in the winter time as the Nad Nuker.
I have never has a single vent clip anything (cell phone holder etc.) ever work in any way. I carried one traveling for a while for rental cars and not a single one ever worked.
I had one that worked great. Reduced my phone’s temperature to -400 degrees Kelvin.
Pedantic nerd alert! There are no negative values in Kelvin. 0K is absolute zero.
Obviously I was speaking in jest.
0K, good to know
I’m all for swamp ass mitigation technology, and manufacturers have thoroughly dropped the ball. Between making nearly every interior black and perpetually locking ventilated seats behind the most expensive trims, we really are at a loss for what to do sometimes and I’m happy to see some ingenuity.
I am once against asking for someone, anyone to offer a la carte options in cars as god intended. I’d literally just spec the coolest color, ventilated seats, and the upgraded audio system. I don’t need 9,000 different gimmicks buried in a tablet. I just want to rock out, have a cool crotch, and drive something that isn’t gray. Apparently this is a monumental ask….
The perfect product for Men At Work.
I cool from a vent down under,
Where air does flow and men wonder,
Can’t you find, can’t you find it under?
You better use, a hose and vent coverrrrr
You must be hitting the zombie early today.
So much so that I can’t remember where I parked my fried-out Kombi.
Bought some bread, walked out of Target
It’s mid-July, I got no buttsweat
Saw a man with streak down his shirt back
I had to wonder, about his swamp crack
So I said…
“Do you cool all the regions down under?
It’s just a tube you pull asunder.
That lack of vents is just a blunder.
Your passengers, they might appreciate a cover.”
all I am hearing is this to the “Land Down Under” by Men at work reading this.
If I am reading this site, I am a man avoiding work.
I will also be whistling this for the rest of the day.
You must be a Bachman-Turner Overdrive fan then, the way you’re taking care of business.
Workin overtime