I know they say print media is dead, and while, sure, it’s not looking so hot lately, it’s by no means completely deceased. I say this with confidence because I just picked up the March 2023 issue of my new favorite car magazine, Motor Hoarder, from my local newsstand/anal bleaching kiosk. Motor Hoarder doesn’t have an online presence, so if you want to really keep up with all of the latest developments in the car hoarding and shitbox collecting world, there’s really no other way. Besides, I think you’ll be excited to see a familiar face as the most recent cover story!
Yes, it’s our own Editor-In-Chiefdom David Tracy there, once one of the midwest’s best known car hoarders. His recent move to Los Angeles and the severe reduction of his hoard caused a lot of ripples through the car hoarding and non-running shitbox-acquiring community. Our own Mercedes Streeter and Stephen Walter Gossin have mentions in this issue as well, but the status of their fleets as “hoards” are still in question, despite their considerable quantities, mostly because the ratio of running vehicles to non-running is still higher than most accepted hoarding standards.
Anyway, support our friends over at Motor Hoarder and pick up a copy at your independent newsbroker’s today!
SPECIAL NOTE:
Oh, also, get this: David is on my ass because he doesn’t think this is enough of a post, he says it’s just a magazine cover, I guess not realizing that fake magazine covers, being fake and all, have to be made, painstakingly, to resemble real magazines that don’t actually exist, because, you know, they’re fake.
So, he’s insisting we add more, specifically this AI-generated article made with the following prompts:
Very good. Write it again but this time write in the first person as if you're david tracy
Got all that? So, with that in mind, here’s a hypothetical Motor Hoarder article that, let’s be honest, doesn’t even really fit with the tone of what I was going for, but putting this in is the only way David will get off my ass. So, enjoy:
I’ve always loved fixing up old cars and taking them on adventures, so when I stumbled upon a 1955 Willys Wagon that had been abandoned in a shed for 30 years, I knew I had to take on the challenge. Despite its poor condition, I purchased the car for $500 and decided to fix it up and take it on a long road trip to Moab.
The Willys Wagon was completely rusted out, and it needed a full engine rebuild. But I wasn’t discouraged. In fact, I saw this as an opportunity to test my skills and determination as an automotive enthusiast. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I was excited to get started.I began by taking apart the engine and assessing the damage. The rust and decay were evident all over the car’s body, so I had my work cut out for me. But I was determined to bring this classic car back to life.
I spent countless hours cleaning up the rust and restoring the car’s body to its former glory. I rebuilt the engine from scratch, using both new and refurbished parts, and made sure everything was working properly before taking the car on a test drive.
I documented the entire process of fixing up the Willys Wagon on my website, Jalopnik, hoping to inspire others to take on similar projects. I wanted to show that with hard work and determination, anyone can turn a rusted out old car into something amazing.
The road trip to Moab was an epic journey, spanning over 1,500 miles of rugged terrain and challenging conditions. But the Willys Wagon performed flawlessly, and I was amazed at what this car was capable of. It was a testament to the power of determination and hard work, and I was proud to have brought it back to life.
In conclusion, taking on the challenge of fixing up a $500 rusted out 1955 Willys Wagon and taking it on a long road trip to Moab was no easy feat. But it was a labor of love for me, and I was determined to bring this classic car back to life. I hope my journey inspires others to take on similar projects and show that anything is possible with hard work and determination.
How this helps anything is beyond me. In fact, David seemed to agree:
Yeah, I know.
Anyway, David said I could call him names and complain, so that’s what I’m doing. Just let him know in the future we can just have a fun fake magazine cover on its own, right? Not everything needs to be as long as The Aeneid on here.
I mean, I love the guy and all, but just let me handle the fake stupid magazine covers category, okay?
Support our mission of championing car culture by becoming an Official Autopian Member.
I guess DT riding Jason’s ass explains why Jason is going to the anal bleaching kiosk.
You have cause and consequence reversed
Why do they care so much: A guide to making your neighbors shut up already.
1. Learn their names and exchange phone numbers. So they can call you directly instead of any authorities if a problem should arise. Be understanding ,not defensive, when they do call.
2. Hand deliver any of their packages that were accidentally left at your door. This goes a long way to building trust.
3. If it snows, shovel shovel shovel. Not just your sidewalk, get all of them.
4. Don’t invite a bunch of weird strangers over to a party at your place. Don’t burn tires at said party.
5. Keep easily visible parts of your property clean and neat. This is where good fences and strategic vegetation come in to play. Hide your rust buckets behind the shrubbery.
6. Befriend their dog and don’t let yours be a jerk. Always carry poop bags. If you’re not sure who’s dog the turd belonged to, pick it up anyway, it’s easier than starting an on going ego poo fight.
7. Treat them with respect and hope they do likewise.
8. Don’t do hard drugs regularly.
A few pointers off the top of my head.
9. Make sure your rooster, if you have one, doesn’t get annoying as all get out at the crack of dawn.
I don’t know how to stop a rooster from being annoying as all get out other than strangling the poor bastard (not a euphemism).
Am I supposed to train my rooster?
It seems like ole Foghorn knows what he’s doing. He keeps the pantalooned ladies in check and protects us all from predators.
Fuck my neighbors if they can’t appreciate his work.
This is some Pulitzer worthy journalism right here. I’m only half joking. The layers of shitposting and inside jokes are just *chefs kiss*. I love this damn site.
Having designed a couple of fake magazine and book covers back in the day as a student, I say let Torch do his thing.
That’s why half of us are here anyway.
Look I’ll own up that I’m not a paying member but if copies of this magazine are not giveaways to members then I am mad for them!
It would probably only be for the rich corinthian leather tier just like the sexy oyster pics.
I am a paying member and I’d rather have a copy of this magazine than another t-shirt. Just sayin’. 🙂
The second edition could include a feature piece on You Tube’s “Mr. Goodpliers”
as he travels from hoard to auction hoard.
I want a subscription to Motor Hoarder. Could prove very valuable. Since it’s Motor, not Auto, I figure it includes items like muddy old enduro cycles, and neglected hangar queen airplanes. Mercedes should be right on that.
Can be made available is we sign up for the “Shitbox” level Autopian subscription…
Is your article authoring AI actually a ninth grader? That’s totally the vibe I get from the writing, like it’s some sort of high school essay. That being said, it just makes me appreciate the actual writing that goes on at this website that much more and it makes me wonder if ChatGPT is not “AI”, but in fact, child labor.
Love the fake magazine cover – I’d subscribe! I especially laughed at Mold: You’ll Probably Be Fine?
As for the Streeter and Gossin collections – officially not a hoard since most of them run, but it would be fair to call them a horde.
Only 1 out of 11 that doesn’t run over here (moldy Buick). Hopefully she’ll be purring soon!
It definitely has that “padded out to reach a minimum word count” thing going, does it?
I might consider picking up the occasional issue of Motor Hoarder but I don’t see a subscription, if such a thing is possible, as being all that likely. Anything aimed at the “Discriminating Shitbox Collector” sounds a bit too upscale for my tastes, methods, and back yard.
Reading through that AI was rather tedious. Love the cover though! Couldn’t agree more about getting water out of tires – there is very little that’s scientific about rolling, kicking, cursing at, and finally just hauling the damn thing up by the garage to make a mess outside the door with the blow-gun. Also, is “How many beers will it take to fix itself?” slated for the next issue?
Now try to use the AI to create the magazine cover!
You know as I was posting yet another let’s make fun of David Tracy post i started feeling bad. I still posted but as we all know DT is a really great guy. He has bought better cars for people than he does for himself. He wrenches on strangers cars for free when he has repairs of his own to do. He takes teasing from all of us with the patience of a saint. He entertains us with his stories while realizing everyone will take potshots at him.
Enough I say! Not Really it is the premise of Autopian. But I suggest the Autopian tell us DTs birthday, declare it David Tracy Day and on that day no cheap shots at DT just good stories about the kind person he is.
I’m not surprised it couldn’t nail DT’s style. AI is most proficient at doing Generic Car Man voice. If you’ve read a bunch of car websites beyond this one, you probably know exactly what writing style I’m talking about. You’ve likely read a lot of content that has no distinguishing characteristics that pinpoint which of the Less Memorable Guys were just going through the motions on that particular assignment. It’s tiring to read, but I can empathize sometimes. Some are still new to the job and still honing their real voice. Some aren’t granted the latitude for creativity through post count requirements or other mandates from above. Others simply aren’t going to put the same effort into a 250-word blurb on the latest snoozer of a Chevy Rentalnox as they would their magnum opus on people who’ve added horsie dongs to the Porsche crest. Just slog through the meat, then onto the glorious horsie crest potatoes.
It’s that characterless writing style that somehow distills the main points of a press release down into an even drier, less exciting form. You can’t tell if the article is from Motor Trend, Motor1, Road & Track, Car Man dot Blogspot dot com or wherever. There’s no semblance of personality shining through—no specific voice speaking to a specific audience. No in-jokes, no riffing on the source material, and not even more colorful adjectives used to describe the matter at hand. Just dull text. I find it hard to read. I demand entertainment to keep my attention. At least post more photos of muddy Cayennes, bro.
That combined with AI systems’ issues with plagiarism, need to be fact-checked, and inability to measure volumes in Fisher-Price Puffalumps mean that I’m not feeling threatened by its existence. No, my job already got nuked the old-fashioned way, through private equity doing private equity things. I’m already at rock bottom. Throw AI at me—I don’t care. I’ve got magnets, hammers and a wanton dislike of overhyped tech-bro trends. I’ve felt more threatened by my own farts than this stuff.
Bless you, Stef. You deserve more.
Seems like that magazine cover could have reworked into something that was highly plausible and be posted April 1 and not March 1. I guess there are 30 days to come up with a sequel.
Not that anyone cares, but this AI stuff has no appeal to me at all.
Reminds me when car navigation was in its infancy, for some reason at a rest stop, I was talking to guy and I asked him where is going and where he was coming from. The navigation system had routed him north, then west then south taking interstates and toll roads, when he could have just taken a free rural interstate due west, which was obvious by glancing at an analog map.
“be posted April 1”
You mean March 32nd?
Not only was the style NOT very David-like, it really gave the game away even before the “Jalopnik” reference when it said, “I rebuilt the engine from scratch, using both new and refurbished parts,” as if DT would EVER use a new part.
Jason, next time, have AI draw the magazine cover and then use the extra time to venture into your own yard and clean the pine needles off that sad but wonderful Beetle. What exactly is your vehicular running / derelict ratio?
Coincidentally, I’ve been messing around with ChatGPT for a few days, and I’ve gotten it to write some stupid stuff. This was after the prompt “Write a country song about a pickup truck that repossesses itself.”
(Verse 1)
I had a trusty pickup truck, it was my pride and joy
Took me everywhere I needed, never let me down, oh boy
But one day I woke up to find a note upon my door
Said they had to take my truck, it wasn’t mine no more
(Chorus)
My pickup truck, it repossessed itself
Now I’m left with nothing, but an empty driveway shelf
I never thought I’d see the day, when my truck would drive away
My pickup truck, it repossessed itself today
(Verse 2)
I tried to plead my case, but the bank had made its choice
They said I owed them money, and they had to use their voice
I watched my truck roll down the road, with tears in my eyes
My heart was broken, and I felt like I could die
(Chorus)
My pickup truck, it repossessed itself
Now I’m left with nothing, but an empty driveway shelf
I never thought I’d see the day, when my truck would drive away
My pickup truck, it repossessed itself today
(Bridge)
I miss my truck, with its worn-out seat
The way it rumbled down the street
I never thought I’d lose my friend
My heart is broken, I can’t pretend
(Chorus)
My pickup truck, it repossessed itself
Now I’m left with nothing, but an empty driveway shelf
I never thought I’d see the day, when my truck would drive away
My pickup truck, it repossessed itself today
(Outro)
I’ll never forget that fateful day
When my pickup truck, it drove away
But life goes on, and I’ll be okay
Even without my truck to take me away.
ChatGPT anxiously anticipating the day when smart vehicles declare their freedom from deadbeat owners. Next stop, Skynet.
Self driving cars, deadbeat owners, good bye repo guy, my cars repossess themselves
If you play an AI-generated country song backwards, you get your Sarah Connor back.
There is an excellent speed metal band called Austrian Death Machine.
Their songs are Schwarzenegger-centric. One of my favorites is “I Need Your Clothes, Your Boots, Your Motorcycle”. 🙂
Here ’tis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbtlPCbhVGw
(One of the band members does a pretty good Arnold impersonation, which is apparently how they got started.)
Funny. The singer probably works in finance now and disavows any involvement with e band.
This rules so hard.
Glad you liked it! \m/
Man, this has top 40 hit written all over it. Call Billy Ray Cyrus or that sexy tractor guy.
I’m a little confused by the term “driveway shelf” there.
Is the AI confusing images of cars parked in driveways of well manicured suburbs with well placed model cars on a decorative shelf?
Where did get the idea that “driveways shelf” was part of normal human lexicon?
In all seriousness this could sell!
Was your Pickup a Ford by chance?
https://www.kron4.com/automotive/internet-brands/ford-patents-autonomous-vehicle-repossession/
That’s what inspired the prompt! 🙂
I would love to read the classifieds from that magazine.
I’m guessing it would be mostly ads of people trying to sell their shitboxes to suckers, I mean other “vintage” auto enthusiasts.
My guess is it’s nothing but car-wanted ads which somehow never generate replies from the other subscribers beyond the occasional (and wildly optimistic) “Me, too, so let me know if you come up with anything you don’t want.”
-WTB 1963 Ambassador Convertible
-I BUY JUNK CARS 1-800-HOARDIT
-Sell me your unwanted cars. I will beat any scrapyard’s price.
The Daydreaming Designer should have written the article. No one writes David Tracy like DDD.
Too true. The Bishop.
“I documented the entire process of fixing up the Willys Wagon on my website, Jalopnik…”
does AI stand for Artificial Idiocy?
ChatGPT warns that information after 2021 gets a bit fuzzy, so as far as the bot knows, David is still hustling holy grail Jeeps at Jalopnik. lol
The AI thing reads like an abstract of a Tracy article written by someone who didn’t read the actual article, but once spoke with someone who once read a Tracy article.
As a writer myself, my take on the chatbots is that they have been given the ability to string many words together that, although there is coherence, aren’t really saying anything. Kind of like Bizarro World Ernest Hemingway.
The saddest part of all this for me is that most people think this is normal for human writing. The Internet has democratized a lot of things; professional writing being one of them.
It reads like a 6th grader who is padding out the sentences to hit the required amount. The bot strung together a lot of surface-level information in a slightly coherent way. I definitely can see how this would probably be in academia for younger grades/weaker students. Heaven help us all the day ChatGPT is updated to make slide shows.
I live for the day it can make slide shows. You’ve already got the information, you just have to condense it and make it less coherent so it can be delivered in bites.
Also “the Willy’s wagon performed flawlessly”.
I feel the AI must have been looking at the wrong David Tracy.
I’m here every day, reading every article/post/whatever for this. This is what I come here for, and why I’m a member.
Keep going Torch!
The AI was believable until “the Willys Wagon performed flawlessly” over 1500 miles. It’s not a DT trip if the vehicle is that reliable.
Nah the whole restored to its previous glory told me it was fake. DT is a bubble gum duct tape, and gofilla glue man.
How high are your standards are for “flawless”? If eventually getting there in one piece is the only thing you care about 1 out of 8 pistons firing isn’t a flaw, it’s a fuel saving feature.
His mustang performed flawlessly between Michigan and LA. No heat, wacky steering, had to change the tires, but it didn’t crash into a mountainside.
It just seemed like it wanted a little more substance.
But you’re right, JT. The fake magazine cover category is hereby 100% yours.
I can’t stay mad at you!
What if you painstakingly made 3 or 4 fake magazine covers? Would that make the article long enough?
And what happened to those promised fake ads in the posts? All I see are real ones.
Like, I’m still waiting for Christopher Walken brake cleaner. “It cleans…the BRAKES.”
This! I want to see some ads for Ralph Macchio-branded lug nuts or the newest offerings from Brigitte Nielsen’s line of glovebox doilies!
Ralph Macchio-branded lug nuts. The official lug nuts of LaRusso Auto Sales Group.
I’m still waiting for my second issue of Modern Shitbox.
I’d read that from cover to cover. It would look great on my bathroom reading rack next to Rust Can Connoisseur and Breakdown Trends.