One afternoon, in late summer 1999, I was nonchalantly heaving a large suitcase into the trunk of my car, in a parking lot at London’s Heathrow airport.
“Is this your car? It’s so cool!” she said in her deep Appalachian accent.
A fountain of bright red hair. Cheekbones like geometry and (green) eyes like sin. I somehow know and yet cannot know that in just over a year later I will marry this woman in a small chapel in North Carolina. As I turn the key and the 2.8 injection V6 rumbles loudly into life through the barest of legally required mufflers, the opening riff to L’il Devil by The Cult erupts from the stereo.
Livin’ in a shack in a one-horse town
Trying to get to heaven ‘fore the sun goin’ down
I think my life peaked right there, to be honest.
I loved that car – a 1985 Regency Red Ford Capri 2.8 injection Special. The car I always promised myself. A while later it was stolen from outside my house (another story in itself), and I’ve long yearned for another. Because the Capri 2.8 injection is probably my absolute favorite car. Ever. As a car mad eight-year-old I was transfixed when I saw the television advert – lightning striking the rear of the car to leave you in no doubt how fast it was. And for 1981, when the mighty 2.8 injection was introduced, they were bloody quick cars – 160bhp, 0-60 in less than eight seconds and a top speed of 130mph. It was a few months before I saw one on the road, but I recall it vividly – parked on the Barking Road, outside Rathbone Market near our house. Jet black, wide 13” Wolfrace Sonic alloy wheels smeared in Goodyear low profiles, twin exhausts, subtle red pinstriping and a black and white tartan interior.
It was by far the coolest fucking thing I had ever seen. A vision of speed and style in a grubby, hardscrabble part of the world. I was completely smitten. So decades later why didn’t I buy another one instead of making a slightly questionable Italian decision? Good question, and one I reflect on regularly. I did consider it, but classic Fast Ford prices have been burdened by a massive scene tax for a while now, and as much as I love them a good one is hard to justify at over thirty grand.
Names Are For Tombstones, Baby
The last Capri was built on 19th December 1986 – after a production run of nearly twenty years and two million cars, but the truth is it had been living on borrowed time for a while. A two-door coupe with ancient live axle undercarriage kept on life support by an adoring British public as the everyman sporting car market moved on to hot hatchbacks. By then the Carpi did have something of an image problem–it was basically an Essex Camaro.
But now, after a 38-year gap, Ford have launched a new one. Well, a new something, because my friends it is categorically fucking not a Capri. It’s an insult. An abomination that should never have been born. The paint-drinking thundercock who came up with this thing should be fired from a trebuchet off the end of Southend pier on a Saturday night in full view of every single member of the Capri Club. I’ll sell the tickets. Everyone else involved with the design, conception, and execution of this unholy bastard should be rounded up, strapped into a chair and forced to watch reruns of The Professionals with their eyes pinned open like Alex in A Clockwork Orange. And then kicked by a donkey in the privates. Repeatedly. Because if we’re just slapping heritage names on any old shit willy-nilly, then what in bloody hell are we even doing?
Now you might think I’m being saltier than usual and taking this whole new Capri thing very personally, and you’re goddamn right I am. No doubt, somewhere over in darkest Dunton, some shiny suited worm eater from the marketing department with a tie knot bigger than his head, is showing his boss all the rage engagement statistics and saying see, I told you calling it Capri would work. It’s a free marketing buy. Well done, double Proseccos all ’round. And in hate-typing this piece, I’m contributing to that digital outrage. Well, given my love for the original, if I didn’t let everyone know exactly how I felt in a forthright manner I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. And I’m not the only one who feels this way. The original press release on the Ford UK Facebook page was deleted after 300 negative comments, and I waded through over 25 pages of mostly angry comments on Pistonheads (the UK’s main car forum) so you don’t have to. So you don’t have to take my word for it – the UK enthusiast community is pissed.
They Chose Capri Violence Over Diplomacy
Why did Ford of Europe choose Capri violence over diplomacy? What possessed the product planning department, presumably all suffering a communal fit of insanity, to think that this could in any way, in any shape, on any fucking planet, possibly be a good idea? I’ve already mentioned the free buzz generated by the digital outrage but that alone cannot explain the temptation to step onto a potential PR landmine of galactic proportions. The truth is Ford have already got their eye in with this sort of bullshit, so it probably seemed worth the risk.
The Mustang Mach E cultivated similar outrage in the US by hammering the skin of a Mustang onto a five-door electric SUV. And in Europe, Ford replaced the beloved Fiesta hatchback with the Puma, another name from the slightly more recent history books. But the difference is, in the case of the Mach E it wasn’t a replacement – so all those built tough Ford fans with Mustang underpants could still buy the genuine article. They were never going to lose customers. With the Puma, the pert Ian Callum original, with its singing Yamaha engine and Steve McQueen television adverts never had anything like the same level of cultural cachet as the Capri. And by all accounts (I’ve not driven one, and probably never will if Ford UK PR read this) it’s a great little family crossover. [Ed note: Wait, I drove it, it was awesome! – MH]
Before I help myself to another line of rage cocaine, let’s put all that to one side for a moment. An argument can be made that people don’t buy low-slung two-door coupes anymore. Ignoring for a second the slightly inconvenient fact that the normal Mustang is the best-selling sports coupe across Europe, we know customers buy crossovers and, like it or not, the coupe crossover is now an established category in the automotive market. So, you might not blame Ford of Europe for wanting to introduce one. Except they already sell the Mustang Mach E here, so what the actual fuck? Another argument I’ve heard made is that legacy OEMs are shitting their collective knickers about the imminent invasion of cheap, tech-heavy, well-built EVs from China. I’m still on the fence about this assumption – maybe in softer, less brand-sensitive markets it will happen – but European countries tend to be incredibly loyal to their domestic manufacturers, and the UK in particular, as I’ve said before is a very, very snobbish and fashionable market when it comes to cars. So the theory goes all legacy OEMs have to stem this tide are tariffs and something no Chinese brand has – heritage. A back catalog of greatest hits they can dust off and rerelease, to push nostalgia buttons and differentiate themselves in the eyes of consumers. The more charitable among you then might be thinking in that case, resurrecting the Capri name on a coupe crossover sort of makes sense. Apart from the fact the original was an aspirational, affordable two-door coupe for the working man (or woman), and the new one is a raised ride height four-door that starts at forty eight fucking thousand pounds, there’s another teensy weensy issue with it.
It’s absolutely fucking gopping.
The Design Is Just Plain Bad
It’s been compared to a Polestar 2: in a hilarious bit of corporate shade Polestar CEO Thomas Ingenlath compared the two cars in an Instagram story that now appears to be deleted. But the truth is the Polestar is a great looking car with much better proportions, and strong sense of its own minimalist identity: a Volvo for people who live in concrete houses with no furniture.
Let’s look at the two cars side by side. The Capri has a fractionally longer wheelbase at 109” (2765mm) compared to the Polestar’s 108” (2735mm) but because the Capri at 64” (1626mm) high is nearly six whole inches taller, everything else, including the cowl and the beltline has to pulled up to compensate, making the whole thing look too high. And talking of the cowl, look at where the base of the windscreen is on both cars. The Capri’s is very fractionally further forward, and it has slightly less curve to the windshield, which brings the A-pillar and the leading shut line of the front door closer to the front wheel. There’s a tiny amount more dash-to-axle ratio on the Polestar, and it makes all the difference, making the wheelbase of the Polestar appear longer, even though it is in fact an inch shorter.
Given the Capri is supposed to be a coupe, why didn’t Ford make more effort to make it lower like the Polestar? Clearly stuffing the floor with cells in the usual EV fashion isn’t the driver of this inflated dimension because guess where the batteries are in the Polestar. No. The problem is the Volkswagen MEB platform the Capri is built on.
All the Volkswagen ID electric vehicles, with the exception of the ID Buzz because it’s a van, suffer from the same excess of verticality. But what makes it worse in the case of the Capri is the fact it is essentially the new electric Explorer in sneakers. They have identical interiors and even share the exact same doors. Ford is making a big deal about the curved shape on the rear of the Daylight Opening, and how it references the classic Capri rear window shape, but it’s totally wrong. It doesn’t have enough curve and the apex is in the wrong place because the shape of it is driven by having to use the same glazing and door frames as the Explorer. No wonder there was no scope to take any height out of it. They totally phoned it in. Here, see for yourself:
Don’t Leave Me This Way
Why fart out another anonymous piece of bloated EV shovelware onto the crowded crossover market? It’s possible there’s an excess of line capacity to be used, but the Explorer isn’t available yet, so that reasoning seems unlikely. Have Ford and VW misread the market so much that they are taking the blunderbuss approach, spinning as many models off of MEB as possible with the barest minimum of extra investment, hoping a beloved name will pick up the slack and make one of them a hit? Fuck my life. Names mean something.
Heritage for car companies (or any company really) mean something – it defines who you are, what you stand for and gives your products meaning. They provide an emotional anchor to your brand in the eyes of customers and loyalists. If they become just a label, they lose all of that goodwill and connection. They shouldn’t be squandered by cynical marketing departments. But it doesn’t have to be like this. You know how I know? The Capri was released last week at the Goodwood Festival of Speed. You know what else was shown at the same event? A brand new version of another fondly remembered low-slung two-door coupe from the eighties with a glittering heritage – the Honda Prelude. If Ford had any sense of treating their storied history in the same way that’s how they would have approached a new Capri. If only they had a EuroNCAP-compliant, RWD two-door platform they could adapt to build such a car…
In the meantime, I’m not getting (and don’t want) the wife back but I can replace my old red 2.8 injection. With a black one this time, obviously. Anyone want to buy a Ferrari?
Unless otherwise stated, all images courtesy of Ford Media and The Ford Heritage Vault.
The name has already been recycled several times in the states after the original Capri, with the 79-86 Fox Bodied Mustang clone and then the 1990-94 Australian built roadster. I don’t think Ford would have a market for another two door coupe since they went global with the Mustang.
The vitriol is justified and beautifully described. Well done, once again, uncle goth!
Marauding the topic, do you think that sporty versions of the Sierra could have cannibalized the Capri?
Anyway, the horde of nincompoops that chose the name for this EV should feel the bitterness of the brand’s loyals. Not so much of the buyers, because then, only the factory workers will suffer.
No I don’t think it did. The Sierra XR4i didn’t last very long, probably because despite having the same engine it wasn’t as powerful as i]the Capri (because of different exhausts) and it wasn’t as quick, and was more expensive. Then the XR4x4 came out which was a different proposition.
No offense, but car people getting deeply mad about recycled nameplates is very pathetic. It’s no different than the manbabies who post hour-long YouTube rants because there’s girls in Star Wars now or something.
Ford was never going to build a bespoke RWD platform for a car they’d sell 75 examples of a year to English Boomers.
Did you read the last two lines of the penultimate paragraph? And I’m not a boomer, thanks.
Your Star Wars comparison is insulting, frankly.
I love seeing women in Star Wars (and comic book movies). The more the better.
This car is a bloated mess that doesn’t even hint at its name’s history.
“You came in that? You’re braver than I thought”.
Well said Adrian.. I’m in agreement 100%. I don’t know who is making these design decisions, but they’re crazy. Chevrolet is now talking about a 4-door Camaro…. what?.. I see the value of classic cars continuing to climb. At least until they’re outlawed.
Being a Yank I have no dog in this fight, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy another brutal takedown by Adrian!
“… fired from a trebuchet off the end of Southend pier…”
Get a big enough trebuchet and we could invade the Isle of Grain.
With luv from Sahffend!
I hate how Ford is desecrating all their glorious nameplates from history. They’re heading down the path of irrelevance at this rate.
See: Integra
Yes, but Ford is a repeat and recalcitrant offender.
See my comments below. No nameplate is sacred to Ford.
Given that there have always been four-door hatchback Integras based off of Civic platforms, I’m not sure how that compares.
That’s because you’re not a honda fan. It has nothing to do with number of doors.
Everything that made the integra awesome, the new one lacks. Zero motorsports cred. Zero F1 trickle down tech. Bloated and fat, instead of low and light. It’s a piece of shit.
Adrian is to Capri
as
Rob is to Integra
I AM SO MAD
I completely agree. Using the Capri name on this CUV thing based on a VAG chassis is just wrong.
They have so many other names they could have used.
It’s just as bad as the “Mustang” Mach E… which should just be called the Mach E… with the ‘Mustang’ part of it dropped.
In my view, they should make a new electric Mustang coupe based on the Mach E platform… and then make an EU-sized version of it and call THAT the Capri.
It’s like Ford’s marketing people are a bunch of idiots who have absolutely no knowledge of the company’s history and the heritage tied to various model names.
Or maybe they DO know the heritage behind model names, but deliberately use the wrong name to cause an uproar which in turn, grabs more attention directed to the new model.
And that means instead of being idiots, they’re actually assholes.
They ARE assholes. Obtuse, arrogant assholes.
I submit Edsel for consideration.
Actually Edsel was the brand. And turning model names into brands or brands into model names is another marketing asshole move. We don’t want to encourage asshole moves.
Now having said that, the Edsel brand did have some good model names like Corsair, Villager, Citation, Pacer, Bermuda and Ranger.
That was my point obout Fords ongoing brand awareness.
How huge is this thing going to be?…..Or should I say, how small is the Explorer EV going to be? I don’t know which is correct. The current gasser Explorer is a big bulky thing. It can’t be as big as that right? This and the Explorer EV appear in pictures like they will be small(er)
The Capri is 4634mm or 182” long.
That’s shorter than I feared, it’s somewhere between a Mach E and a Bronco Sport. Right in the middle of the Insult Trifecta.
I LOL’d at that
The Euro Explorer EV seems to be a reskinned VW ID.4 and in no way related to the “three-row EV” coming out of Oakville that’s likely the NA Explorer EV.
I feel this is a UK specific issue. Here in the States Ford has been very cavalier with the Capri nameplate among many others (cough Thunderbird, Cougar, Maverick ). I actually forgot it was a Lincoln trim in the ’50s and think of it as a Mercury in my experience/lifetime. Fact is, Ford slaps a badge on what is hot at the moment hoping it sells. Even Mustang is not sacrosanct.
Yes it’s almost like the British author who lives in he UK, is making a point about UK enthusiasts.
No criticism meant to you. We all have our automotive passions and this is yours. Certain car nameplates have certain ingrained meanings. I get it – I would hate a 4 door Thunderbird (oh – wait – they did that). The Mercury Cougar was a luxury Mustang twin. Then a 2 door luxury barge and even a 4 door with a goddam STATION WAGON option. Ford considers no “badge” as sacred.
Thunderbird – 2 place “sports car”. 4 place sporty car. 4 (suicide) door sporty car. 4 place luxobarge. 4 place sporty car. 2 place convertible. Dead
It never really knew what it wanted to be. My V8 ’96 was a phenomenal highway cruiser with ungodly passing power and acceptable handling. My ’78 was a boudoir on wheels.
Even the Capri in the US had a niche when they settled down. Imported Ford, rebadged Mustang, imported Australian convertible. It was always on the slick and sporty spectrum.
The Capri in it’s mid-50’s is simply doing what happens to most of us in our mid 50’s- going soft and bloated around the middle.
Speak for yourself. At 51 I’m still a skinny supermodel.
I’m 50 and I too intend on continuing to wear ‘slim fit’ shirts for the foreseeable future.
48 and trying, some midsection spread but my legs and arms are still slim. Need to drink less.
I still drink… but stick to low carb drinks… such as Vodka and club soda with lime.
Or whisky on the rocks.
Or dry red or white wine.
The problem isn’t the alcohol. It’s that many alcoholic drinks area also loaded with sugar/carbs.
If I sober up for a month I lose 2-3 inches immediately. I eat no almost no sugar. The body processes sugar and alcohol the same.
Can relate. In a month and a week will relate to age as well. Dammit…
“Skinny supermodel” is redundant.
Nah… they have plus-sized models too.
Got one year on you, oh fellow grouch. I agree cars are as bloated as our ‘murican diet. I drive a growth hormone and high fructose corn sirup infused electric on days I go in because I’m frankly frightened to drive my veggie wrap Miata anywhere but around the neighborhood or on a track. It’s a dog eat dog world on the expressway over here.
51 is not yet mid-50’s, you’ve still got time!
The front end of that Capri 280 reminds me of all the things I like about the front end of a Jensen Interceptor. Despite the underbite and fishbowl rear window, the Interceptor is one of my favorite pieces of British auto design. So I found I do like Capris.
I don’t know much about Capris but I stand in solidarity against pointlessly abusing heritage names from beloved chassis.
I’ll repeat a comment I already made on this:
“I am outraged! The Capri name should be only be used for full size Lincoln luxury cars!
Err I mean it should only be used for German sport coupes!
Actually, it should only be used on American musclecars!
No, it should only be used on small roadsters!”
I can’t get on board with people getting upset about a corporation choosing to leverage their product names to something else. Unless your last name is Ford, what defines a “Capri” (or Mustang in the case of Mach E) is just your opinion. Being upset that Ford is offering another blob EV is a different and valid matter.
And for this same reason, the Acolyte is now canon.
That reference is lost on me other than recognizing it as the name of a TV show.
Star Wars will alter canon to suit current needs. One of my most prized possessions is DVD copies of the original laser disk cuts of the original trilogy, as close to the as screened originals as is possible to find in high def. I generally refuse to watch the other abominations. The prequel trilogy was heartbreaking and the JJ Abrams sequels started strong then got LOST.
Han shot first.
I had forgotten the Lincoln!
But it’s not referencing any of those other cars. This is meant to be a reintroduction of the European Capri.
So your argument is bunk.
What reference to Lincoln did the German Capri have?
What reference to the German Capri did the Fox-body Mercury have?
What reference to the Fox-Body Mercury did the Aussie-built Miata competitor have?
The answer is none in all of those cases. This is just another example of Ford rebooting the brand to suit whatever their current purpose is.
You’re missing the point. Ford is very loudly and clearly saying in their marketing ‘The Legend Is Back’ and showing footage of cold Capris. They are saying this is a continuation of that line. That it is in fact a MkIV European Capri. They are pointing at this and saying it is the same as those cars you fondly remember. When very clearly it fucking isn’t.
You are wrong. The Capri (yugh) is better proportioned than the Polestar 2. The Polestar glass house is way too low compared to the body. It looks like an aftermarket chop job.
In everything else, I do agree.
BTW, there’s no front photo but did Ford copy the four point headlights from Porsche?
It absolutely is not better proportioned than the Polestar and you couldn’t be more wrong. You may prefer it, but in terms of how the how the volumes are balanced it’s way too tall.
To be fair, my wife, all 5’8″ of her, had a Polestar II as an Uber the other week, and found the ceiling uncomfortably low. Usability may have been a factor in VWs original design that Ford built from.
Of course I prefer it. We’re talking about matters of taste. If there was a scientific equation for body to glass house ratio there wouldn’t be anything to discuss. That being said, there are very few cars that can pull off a glass house that is lower than the body. The PS looks like they put a sedan on a skateboard and just added height to the waistline to accommodate the battery pack.
A good designer doesn’t need to resort to science.
I’ve been eagerly awaiting Adrian’s hot take on this abominable marketing assault upon a motoring icon. Not disappointed.
The new “Capri” is insulting to Americans, too. We got the Capri as a fun sporty alternative in the Mercury lineup in the 70s, and we got a Fox-body badged version in the 80s that was nice in its own right. Oh, and I nearly forgot the nifty little 90’s import from Oz. A crossover is an egregious affront to the name on these shores too.
Don’t forget the fwd Miata competitor in the ’90s. Ford had always bastardized it’s nameplates.
He didn’t.
Was waiting for this. Was too disgusted to even comment on it when it was revealed. I’m in the US, but I still credit my mother’s Capri (the same European one) for my love of small, sporty cars. My earliest memories were of it and she sold it when I was 3 or 4.
You are right. It is, indeed, hideous. Apropos proper Capris, I saw a bright red Perana Capri, with black window louvres for that extra classiness. Just sitting there at my local garage, all shiny and winsome. It was the V6, not A V8, just for added hens-teethery. I’ve not been the same since.
Adrian, now you know EXACTLY how us Mustang fans felt when Ford took the exact same EV Crossover Sledgehammer to the Mustang nameplate 3 years ago when the Mach-E (I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to call it a mustang because IT ISNT!!) was launched here in the States. It basically threw the entire legacy of the original Capri into the trash!
I do, but you could still buy a proper Mustang, so it’s not quite as egregious.
Expecting The General to roll out a Blazer tarted up as a Camaro any day now. That’ll be fun.
Finally, the steaming-hot take we’ve been waiting for.
Found the goth easter egg!
But did you find the James Bond one?
You know me well enough to know the answer to this question…
The new Ford Capri is the worst alien gelatinous pudding to invade Jolly Old since Monty Python’s Blancmange sketch. Attempting to correlate this paean of mediocrity with the classic Capris of yore is like equating Scarlett Johansson’s nipples to skin tags. I’d call this decision by Ford capricious, but even that’s an insult to the Capri name.
I was positive that you were going to shit all over this “Capri” and was right. Though I had no idea you owned one. That brings the vitriol level to a whole new place (rightfully).
I got a Puma ST as a rental car in Europe one trip, it was very fun. Way more fun than a crossover should be. Plus, they are actually giving it some motorsports cred by using it as their WRC car
How does a Brit pronounce Appalachian? I assume since your comely ginger was a tarheel you’d pronounce it correctly: Appa-latch-uhn.
I believe north of the Mason-Dixon line they say it the other way, but they’re wrong.
“Comely” is a funny word.
Apple-a-shun. Well that’s how I say it. I love the southern accent on women. It makes me feel funny.
Maybe its because of the pond between us, but this is how I feel about a woman with an Irish brogue.
BRB just going to watch YouTube clips of Emily Proctor in The West Wing.
Seems the relationship was doomed from the start. We correct people by telling them we will throw an “apple at cha”.
My own comely ginger is from South Carolina. Her accent gets more pronounced after alcohol. Perhaps unrelated, all the liquor store clerks know my name.
Thank you. Me too for all my 69 years.
I grew up in Pennsylvania in the Ap-a-LAASH-uns, and cringe whenever I hear that other pronunciation. I first heard only recently (a few years ago), and I’m soon to be 70.
Wild! I stand by the mason-dixon line being the divider.
If you watch any videos produced by the ‘appalachian regional commission’ they pronounce it the correct way. 😉