The Real Election 2024: Pick The Best K-Car!

I’m told there’s some sort of election happening today? Here in America? I think they’re picking a new set of aldermen or a new comptroller or something like that? I’m not really sure, as I don’t think it’s been getting all that much publicity in the media. Now that I think about it, I may have gotten some fundraising emails from the big political parties. I want to say one are the Whigs, and then there’s the Neo-Monaerchists? Is that right? Seems close enough. Anyway, we decided to have our own little election.

What is our election about? It’s about something deeply, richly American, something important and vital, not like whatever trivial showdown is happening tonight. It’s an election about something that matters: what is the best Chrysler K-car variant to, uh, rule America, I guess?

Yes, K-cars! The front-wheel-drive platform that usually came with an anemic 2.2-liter four-banger (there were exceptions with turbos and a Mitsubishi four, for example) and often with all-I-had-handy-was-a-ruler styling. These cars saved Chrysler from disaster and allowed them to pay off their bankruptcy loans early.

There were a lot of cars built on the K platform or modified versions of the platform, but we just picked six of them – in long, involved primaries, of course – and now you get to vote for which K will Rule Them All. Like that ring in those long-ass movies and books about wizards and elves and smurfs and shit.

So, with that, let’s look at our candidates!

The original, basic K-Car! These came in Dodge and Plymouth flavors, in sedans, two-doors, and wagons, but they were all pretty much the same. I have direct experience with these from back in the day, and I can say from experience that these were, charitably, crap.

But, they were inexpensive crap that looked decent and did their jobs, for the most part, and were not terrible on gas mileage, and that went a long way in early 1980s America.

Sure, I once saw my friend close the driver’s door and a four-inch bolt clanged out onto the pavement, but that doesn’t mean these boxy things weren’t, for Chrysler, the right car at the right time. Because they were.

Was an upmarket K-car possible? Hell yeah it was, and the New Yorker proved it! These cars were on the vanguard of digital dashboards and, yes, their Texas Instruments-supplied voice synthesis systems I really do believe made Americans aware of the usage of the word “ajar,” at least in relation to doors.

The interiors were quite plush, and they had that vinyl quarter-roof, which I don’t recommend you look too carefully at, lest you discover that it was made from a half-assed fiberglass cap glued on back there.

The Chrysler minivans of the 1980s were genuine successes, and were pretty fantastic vehicles – perhaps the best of the K-cars, in some ways. Built on modified K-car platforms, these were marvels of packaging efficiency with their transverse FWD layouts that left pretty much everything from the front axle back available for people or stuff.

A real re-birth of the minivan concept, these were the backbone of American familial transport for years and years.

In some ways, this may be the oddest of the K-cars (not counting the not-exactly K-car Maserati TC by Chrysler) with its convertible top and faux wood-paneled sides. It had to be decades since a non-station wagon dared to wear fake wood before the LeBaron brought it back, and that was a bold move.

What else out there has a look and feel like a woody LeBaron droptop? Hardly anything.

I think the Laser, along with its sibling Dodge Daytona, were pretty bold competitors to other sporty/muscle sort of cars available at the time. Unlike the Mustang or even a Toyota Supra, the Laser was a FWD sporty car, and made about 145 horsepower, pretty decent for the time.

These weren’t especially great, but they weren’t bad, either! And that drop-down side window line is pretty fun, right?

These are pretty amazing limos for a number of reasons: it’s a four-cylinder limo, which is already unusual, though the Mitsubishi-sourced engine under that hood does have hemispherical combustion chambers, so it’s a true hemi.

They’re long, but also oddly narrow, and overall while they do have limosinic proportions, they’re not all that big. And the interiors! They’re absolutely velour-slathered! If you love velour, like, really love velour, you can’t get anything better than one of these velour cocoons.

Okay! Those are your candidates! Each offers their own highly specific set of charms and foibles, like all good political candidates, so you need to carefully consider everything and balance all of that information with the needs of yourself, your family, and, yes, the nation.

It’s time to vote! Take your time! Consider carefully, and remember that your vote is private!

Once you voted, please enjoy this I VOTED sticker you can print out and affix to your clothes with a blot of mustard.