You may recall yesterday when our own Mercedes Streeter introduced you to the majesty of 700 horsepower racing motorhomes and land-speed record campers and jet-powered outhouses (outhomes?) and all that sort of fun stuff. This all got me thinking: If there was, say, a racing class specifically for motorhomes, what should the particular rules of this class of racing be? I’m not exactly sure about all the details, but I think I do know one thing: Motorhome racing needs to focus as much on the home as the motor. That means these vehicles need to be required to do things other racing vehicles simply can’t. Like things involving kitchens and beds and toilets. Let me lay this out for you.
So, I think every track-based motorhome race will need to be a minimum of four laps, because the total race is divided into four quarters: Recreation, Kitchen, Bathroom, and Bed. These correspond to four key activities every motorhome must be able to accommodate: doing some recreational activity while sitting at a table, preparing and eating food, using the toilet, and sleeping.
To accomplish these activities, each motorhome must be equipped with at least a table and seat, a functional kitchen that includes some sort of fridge, some sort of food-heating equipment, a sink, some food prep surface, a bathroom with a functional toilet, and a bed. The required crew of every racing motorhome will consist of four people: a driver, a cook, a defecator/urinator, and a passenger who will perform the recreational and sleeping duties.
Here’s a quick sketch of a layout of a hypothetical purpose-built racing motorhome; I suspect a mid-mounted engine under the table at the center (yellow zone) and fuel cells and fresh and gray/black water tanks under the bed (blue zone). Think a light NASCAR-style plastic body over a rugged tube frame:
Colloquially, the motorhome race crew will be known as having a shitter, a sleeper, a rider, a driver, and a cook. At the start of every race, each member of the team will get in their positions, and be strapped in for safety. So, that means the shitter will be on the toilet, strapped in with a five-point harness, the sleeper will be strapped into the bed and fitted with sensors to measure heart rate, the rider will be strapped into a racing-type seat at the table, and the cook will be strapped into a standing rig that allows enough motion to get to the necessary equipment in the kitchen section. The driver will be strapped into a standard racing seat with a usual 5-point harness.
The way the race will work is the number of laps will be divided into fourths. In the first quarter the rider will, at the table, do some sort of recreational activity, like put together a (magnetized) jigsaw puzzle or do crosswords or play Scrabble or chess or solitaire or something. This will be monitored by race officials via video link.
The next quarter is the kitchen quarter, so the chef must make a meal that involves some preparation: cutting or mixing or otherwise preparing ingredients. The food must then be heated (microwave, air fryer, stovetop, whatever the team decides), and then must be served to the rider at the table, who must consume the full amount of the food prepared.
In the next quarter, the shitter must evacuate their bowels into the toilet, and flush. I’d like to have a hand-washing requirement, too, now that I think about it, as long as it can be done while the shitter is safely strapped onto the toilet. Think something like this:
Speaking of shitpost, I'm currently working on putting together a "Roast my sim rig" video, so feel free to reply with your own setup or something cursed you've found elsewhere. pic.twitter.com/dapDQjZ7rJ
— Jimmy Broadbent (@JimmyBroadbent) May 26, 2021
For the final quarter, the sleeper must fall asleep in the bed, or at least relax enough so the monitoring devices register a relaxed state, according to standards set by the racing officials. The sleeper must remain asleep/relaxed for the remainder of the race.
By incorporating all of these elements and people into the race, we can make sure that motorhome racing doesn’t just become big, boxy car racing. They need to still be motorhomes, so each of these people and activities are crucial. There will be so much more to watch and enjoy for fans of motorhome racing, especially for high-activity parts like the cooking portion. Think of the excitement of a cook trying to crack eggs while whipping around the Rabbit’s Ear turn at Big Willow!
Think of the special skills it’ll take to try and focus on taking a measurable dump at 140 mph while careening through a sweeping turn! What kind of special training will it take to sleep in conditions like this? And, for the driver, how will one need to adjust how they drive to make sure the people inside can accomplish what they need to do, all while being as fast as possible, and avoiding the other bulky, fast motorhomes on the track?
Motorhome racing will be some of the most challenging racing any driver could hope for. If any of the quarter’s tasks are not done, there will be time penalties, so you can’t just haul ass through the track and ignore them.
So, let’s recap the Rules of Motorhome Racing for those of you who can only read lists:
- All motorhomes must be equipped with a flushing toilet, functional kitchen area with sink, a bed, and a table with a chair
- Every motorhome will run with the following team aboard: a driver, a sleeper, a cook, a rider, and a shitter.Â
- The number of race laps will be divided into four quarters, and each quarter will require a different motorhome activity to take place. The quarters and their activities are as follows:
- Recreation. Rider will engage in a table-based recreational activity
- Cooking: Cook will prepare a meal for Rider, who will consume the meal
- Bathroom: Shitter will defecate/urinate while on the toilet, flush, wash hands
- Bed: Sleeper will relax/fall asleep in the bed
- In-race activities will be remotely monitored by race officials
- All water tanks must be filled prior to race, and gray-and blackwater tanks must be installed
What do you think? Would this be a compelling race series? Should the motorhomes be spec-type cars, with the same basic layouts and drivetrains, or should teams be able to come up with their own designs, as long as all the needed components are there? What role do you think you could be best at? Should there be a camera in the bathroom?
Let’s discuss it all!
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11 instances of “shit” or “dump” in this article, but by all means let’s clutch our pearls at “The Morning Dump”
The shitter has the easiest job! It’s just timing the consumption of Taco Bell food and cheap beer before the race so that it ‘arrives’ on time.
I think motorhome racing would be much better as an endurance race where the whole team has to stay in the motorhome for the duration of the race.
You can pull the motorhome into the pits to make repairs, change tires, refuel, and change positions of the team… but when the motorhome leaves the pits, everyone must be on board, in one of the positions.
This way, everyone will have to rotate out who is using the bathroom, who is sleeping/resting, who is cooking (because the whole team will have to eat while racing as well), and who is driving. Bonus points if this is an off-road/rally race, so you can add a navigator in the passenger seat.
This also means everyone on the team needs to be versatile, because you can’t have a huge team. Everyone has to be able to drive, cook, make repairs, and sleep while their bed is pulling serious Gs through corners.
There is no dedicated pooper, chef, driver, or any of that. Just 4-6 people in a cramped, enclosed vehicle trying to poop, sleep, drive, and cook in close proximity under high stress for 24 hours, only stopping to switch positions, make repairs, and change tires. This is the purest form of RV racing I can imagine. Maybe not the most pleasant form of racing, but the most well-suited to an RV.
I’d agree with you, but make it more than 24 hours. I was thinking a week, but that might be a bit much. So, maybe 48 or 72 hours? Long enough that team members can’t stay awake through the whole thing via caffeine pills. Also require that the fresh water tank has to be filled in the pits, and the gray/black water drained at the pits at least once per race.
I think one crew member (the cook, perhaps) must spend the entire race — from arrival at the track to leaving — talking nonstop about grandchildren to a polite but totally disinterested crew member (the rider?) who is required to mutter things like, “Um-hum… oh… that’s nice… ah… you don’t say…” the whole time.
It’ll never work but I would love to watch!
My biggest problem with this is the Shitter position. They need to remain strapped in for the duration of the race, of course, but they also need to flush. While sitting on the toilet they just defiled. Possibly while going around a turn at speed. Messy doesn’t even begin t cover it, though the Shitter and walls certainly will be covered.
I would also propose different classes, similar to what we already see in endurance racing. They can be separated by the removal of certain amenities and requirements. MHP(rototype) being the top class, might only need a driver, and could allow for the gutting of the interior, safety features aside. MH1 adds a few things, and possibly a passenger. MH2 adds the chef. Finally, MH3, which has the full complement of crew, and all amenities, and requirements. BOP in all classes above MH3 will be handled by adding cabinets, tables, bed, or whatever else fits, though not necessarily the associated positions to those items.
Just use an incineration toilet or vacuum toilet like NASA put in the space station. No mess or “Poseidon’s kiss” while going around corners.
CLARKSOOOOOOOON!!!
I dunno about filling the tanks before the race. Potable & grey water wouldn’t too much of an issue, but having sewage strewn across the track after contact doesn’t seem like a good thing
I think you need a 6th member of the team. You need a female in the passenger seat. But, it’s a female from another team, and she’s nagging everybody in the motorhome. Her level of nagging is controlled by the audience, via the newfound Autopian Twitter look-a-like site http://www.cbradio.com that she is naturally only getting updates via the smartphone in her hand (bonus if you drive erratically enough so she drops it and can’t pick it up, cause this “wife” is strapped in and can’t “reach back to hit you kids in the face”.)
And the driver must keep repeating, “I know where we’re going… I know where we’re going…”
I have a better, way less problematic option: you have to ride along while your kid drives. Contact with the handbrake means disqualification.
This is a sexist point of view. Men also ‘nag’ from the passenger seat. It’s called “manslplaining”.
There had better not be a video feed to make sure the guy on the toilet is actually using it for what it was designed for.
As an optional variant, there could be two people in the bed, and no one in the bathroom, doing what comes naturally to two people in a bed who care very much for each other, in spite of the fact that they are in a 4-lap race. They might want the race to last longer.
If there is Top Gear style contact between the racing motor vehicles, and the walls start falling off, the home-section crew might feel a bit uncomfortable with that scenario.
Starting my script for “Days of Thunder” sequel about a prodigy in the bathroom category.
Would these be separately and on defined laps, or a system where all need to be completed.
Almost like a joker lap.
Restrict space so one of the crew is prioritised, but who is up to the team etc etc
“…the shitter will be on the toilet, strapped in with a five-point harness…”
I frequently work the pit-out position at Lemons races, checking harnesses and so forth right before each car goes on track, but I think I’ll give this one a pass.
Pass, as in…
I think someone skipped their nap today.
First of all, kudos for tackling this very important subject. The fact that the MoHo wasn’t a complete motorhome for the speed run was a little bit disappointing. As far as your race idea, I like it! One or two full-speed hairpin turns should be sufficient to induce the Shitter to do their thing, but I’m not convinced that anyone else except the driver will be able to accomplish their associated task. I’m particularly worried about the Cook, should any sharp implements be involved. But I’m all for (someone else) giving it a try!
I dunno, I prefer the Top Gear approach: the driver and team need to spend 48 hours before the race living in the motorhome, without hookups. Then you have to balance the quality/weight of the amenities against the impact on team performance come race day.
I kind of agree. But start the race and each home must accomplish the tasks and the one who does it in the least miles and highest speed and lowest time wins.
tacotruckdave – Any interest in doing something like this in a Taco Truck, Dave?