I’ve always wanted a Citroën 2CV. I realize that to many people they’re absurd, tinny, wildly spartan little underpowered snails, but to me – and many others – they’re a masterpiece of automotive minimalism and charm. To those out there that think like me when it comes to Pierre-Jules Boulanger’s funny little motorized mule, I think we happen to be in an ideal time to justify bringing a Deux Chevaux into your life.
And why is that? Because of chickens! Well, more specifically, chicken caviar, more commonly known as eggs.
You know how right now eggs are crazy expensive? And they’re supposed to go up by 40% as the year goes on? Even Denny’s is adding an egg surcharge! Denny’s! Your next Moon Over My Hammy will have an extra egg tax added on! What is this madness?
I think the increase in egg prices have something to do with chickens unionizing? I’m not really clear, I’ve only been skimming the articles. But I do know everyone is pissed, and at this moment eggs have more value than ever before.
So, what does this have to do with Citroëns, or even cars at all? Well, it’s pretty simple: in all of automotive history, there has only ever been one car that was designed with the welfare and protection of eggs in mind: the Citroën 2CV.
You know the story; we all know the story. The 2CV was designed as a car for rural French farmers, a sort of mechanical replacement for a horse or mule. Much of the car’s design brief was based on this idea; in fact, lead engineer André Lefèbvre was given these design parameters:
“Design a car that has room for two farmers in boots and a hundredweight of potatoes or a barrel of wine, is at least 60 km/h fast and consumes only three liters per 100 km.”
In addition to this, there was the famous requirement that the 2CV should be able to drive across a plowed field with a basket of eggs on the passenger seat without breaking a single egg. This was accomplished via the incredibly soft suspension and clever interconnected suspension springs, connected to both the front and rear suspension arms on either side:
It wasn’t just agricultural hype: it really worked:
So, that’s why I think this is the ideal time to get a 2CV and an ideal time to get whomever else in your life with veto power over bringing in yet another car to agree that, yes, you need a 2CV in your life. You need one because eggs are expensive as fuck, and not even a flapjacking Rolls-Royce has ever made any sort of claim that it would not harm eggs.
Again, except the 2CV, the only car designed to protect eggs.
Try this same eggs-on-the-seat-over-a-plowed-field test with pretty much any other car, and soon the insides will look like an uncooked omelette. Seriously, if you’re not driving a 2CV, you’re basically costing yourself money as your eggs crack and break and smash william-nilliam, costing you, what, thousands and thousands of dollars per month? That seems about right.
I may try this very argument with other members of my household as I make an argument that we need to own the 2CV that our own SWG is currently in the process of fixing up:
I hope he takes his time fixing that so I can get everyone on board and get some money saved. Money that I’ll be saving every week once I have a vehicle that doesn’t pulverize wildly valuable eggs into yolk foam every damn trip I take.
Seriously, from an egg perspective, we’re all being morons every day we don’t buy a 2CV.
Wait so you’re saying I should buy another 2CV in response to egg prices? It’s not like I have infinite garage space…
FWIW pasteurizing eggs at home is quite easy with a sous vide immersion bath. Doing so extends the shelf life of the eggs from days to weeks. Handy if you can only find eggs for sale in bulk.
Simply heat the eggs at 130F for a bit under an hour. That is the minimum temperature, above that the whites start to congeal. I find placing 6-7 eggs in a sandwich bag and lowering it into the bath to fill the bag with water then sealing it is the best way to keep the eggs from thermal shock and rolling around. Once the time is up drain half the bag, fill with cool water again to minimize thermal shock. As soon as the eggs are cool enough to handle pat them dry and return them to the refrigerator.
As a non-egg-liker I want more hot breakfast options without them. (All too often with frozen stuff “breakfast” is code for “with eggs”).
I suggest walking out of any place attempting a surcharge for eggs. A fifty cent per egg surgarge means they are getting $6 additional per dozen when the retail price of a dozen eggs is under $5. Denny’s saw an opportunity to defraud their customers and jumped at it.
I believe Waffle House was first to institute the egg surcharge.
At this point in time, 25 c per egg would be appropriate. 50 c is straight up having the customer pay the whole cost for the egg outright, and the regular menu price is only paying for the services.
Time to turn area 51 into the biggest egg farm on earth!
Think about it, lots of room, isolated, self contained, natural climate control in their vast underground labyrinth, heavy defenses against any threat including zombies, drones and spies, its own transport system to bring feed in and eggs out. Plus no ponds or other attractive nuances for migrating birds. And not too far from LA, LV, SFBA and other population centers.
At this point bird flu is as serious a national threat as a anything else so in the interest of national security lets get crackin’ on making those eggs!
“The Incredible Edible Egg” is always the right answer.
So is the 2CV.
Seriously though, how good does that Durango look, right?!
That paint color is called “Khaki Siver” (chef’s kiss).
please sir, that’s spartan little underpowered escargo!
What do you call a bowl full of money? Egg salad.
I don’t really care about eggs, but I’ve always thought I needed a 2CV.
And the good news? Pretty soon you’ll be able to exchange a carton eggs for any car on the planet! BTW, which came first, the 2CV or the eggs?
This is the definition of man math… and the man math checks out!
Yes, get one!
I’ve owned two (and a Dyane, so let’s make it three) but around here it was just a cheap car some years ago, so they were easy to get hold of.
It has the most horrible rugged thin and leaking – but VERY charming – bodywork.
The BMW motorcycle like aircooled boxer engine is wonderful! Nothing like an old VW, even though the basic principles and horsepower seems about the same on paper..
And the suspension is really good. Ground clearance about a foot, so just take it out on some off roading. Weigh ridiculouly low, so not a big deal to get free if stuck.
Garden sofa like seats are best for people without tendencies to a bad back. You can tighten them up with newer – and more – rubber bands..
It’s body on frame, so when the frame breaks from rust, the thin body can’t hold it, and all sort of crazy things start to happen. New frames – even galvanized ones – are about 1000 USD.
Cabriocoach roof is a big plus, so you don’t feel trapped inside with the engine noise.
Ian Seabrook of the HubNut Youtube channel has had one for many years, and drives it quite a lot, let his joy inspire you 😀
Oh yeah, the dashboard is practically non existing, and aesthetically on par with that of a fishing boat or something.. But the big handles for opening the fresh air flap (like on a Land Rover Series) and the light adjustment are fun to play with, and the horisontal gear lever really easy to use. Good luck!
Have the farmers tried roughing the chickens up for more eggs, Maria-style? I’ll bet those feathered fuckers each have a few extra eggs that they’ll gladly lay for us after Vito and Pauly get through with them.
It’s really that big egg is behind the tarriffs.
Frustrated with the small-time citizens illegally smuggling eggs, for their breakfasts and child’s birthday cakes, across the northern border, it completely explains why the political elite of America is all about a northern border task force.
If only there was some connection with the political elite’s obsession with the culture behind things like Czar and Oligarch.
This is the best justification for buying a car that I think I’ve ever heard. I hope it works, because I want to come visit and drive it sometime.
I’m purposely taking my time with fixing that 2CV in my driveway to help (hopefully) make Jason’s dream come true.
It’s sitting there, under a tarp, just waiting for him. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I hand him the keys, one fine day soon.
There are too few things that bring harmony and happiness to this world. Jason must become the next owner for the sake of all that is dear. I’d argue it is a medically required necessity that his aorta be coddled by that compliant suspension, and the whole world peace thing.
Just know that you’re going to have to escort him all the way back home, lest he plow it into the first deer that crosses his path.
What does a French car say when it hits a deer? We know his Nissan said “Pao” both times…
Sacre bambi?
You need to make a deal with Jason, the 2CV for running the Jag story.
Not even the price of eggs could get my better half to sign off on one of these. She’s already not thrilled with my desire for kei cars for safety reasons (even if she won’t tell me no, she doesn’t want me dailying one.) To be entirely fair to her, on our first real date my car was crushed by a Ram 1500 and I was out cold for five minutes, so I understand her point.
Once SWG gets that 2CV going again, won’t it instantly become more reliable than any vehicle in the Torch household? Sounds like an easy sell to me.
We’re having an Eggscellent time North of the border. Maybe we need to start exporting 2CVs to the egg hoarders south of us?
Well I jsut checked and importation of eggs into the US from Canda is currently blocked for all unprocessed products. Meet me on Belle Isle at midnight?
You can’t have the eggs, only the 2CVs.
The headlights on that trailered 2CV look like the eyes of a disappointed snail.