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This Subaru Is What Everyone In Brooklyn Will Drive When Society Finally Collapses

Subaru Crosstrek Boost Gear Topshot
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Soon after waking up today, I started to feel a bit queasy. It’s not the aftermath of fajita night at Sneaky Dee’s, Subaru has genuinely crammed a nauseating amount of plastic farkle onto a Crosstrek for Tokyo Auto Salon 2023. Does anyone on earth other than maybe Jeep JK Wrangler owners think this looks good?

Officially called the Subaru Crosstrek Boost Gear concept, let’s break this shitshow down from bottom to top. Starting off on a high note, the Yokohama Geolandar M/T tires are a chunky-looking choice, and unquestionably the best alteration here. Sure, the black alloy wheels with blue accents that the tires are mounted on are a bit tacky, but the design is sound and the finish can be sorted with a couple of rattle cans. Unfortunately, things get worse from here.

Vidframe Min Top
Vidframe Min Bottom

Crosstrek Boost Gear Side Steps

Why the hell does a Subaru Crosstrek need side steps? Not only are they largely useless due to the car’s relatively tame ground clearance, they look to impede breakover angle, thus making this Crosstrek less capable. Talk about a cock-up. Sure, the mud flaps are mounted lower still, but at least those are flexible as opposed to rigid parts that will get damaged as soon as someone tries tackling something tougher than a gravel road.

Moving up from the side steps, there’s a lot of extra cladding on this particular Crosstrek. Unpainted plastic litters the lower edges of the doors, while the front valence cladding adopts two cheap LED strips and a simulacrum of a skid plate that seems devoid of actual function other than to make people who just moved to Bushwick feel rugged. These styling elements went out of fashion around the same time as listening to the Black Eyed Peas and using BBM, so they’re not exactly welcome additions here. Also, all the cladding really highlights Subaru’s insane insistence that rugged-looking things don’t need easily-accessible fixed recovery points. Tow hooks in the bumper? Absolutely not, here’s a roof rack tie-down in each fender flare as a consolation prize.

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Crosstrek Boost Gear Front

Oh, you thought the heinous cladding was over? Absolutely not. The mid-door areas get plastic rub strips that look as if a seven-year-old carved them out of polystyrene, plus there’s what can only be described as a tumor on the D-pillar. Alright, now the plastic cladding is well and truly over, thank god. Time to move on to another piece of unpainted plastic, a new grille that seems surprisingly fine. In fact, I reckon I prefer it over the fussy grille on standard models.

Hold on just a little bit longer, we’re not done yet. Above the grille sits a hood deflector that’s sure to be a hit with people who don’t believe in paint protection film, and topping it all off is a sheetmetal roof rack with an awning and one of those zillion-lumen collapsed star LED light bars that 17-year-olds bolt to their XJ Cherokees. You could probably replicate the entire roof setup with a single Amazon order and, although it’ll likely be noisy, you probably won’t notice a difference over the roar of the tires.

Subaru Crosstrek Accessories

If you’re wondering why I’ve dedicated so many words to this woeful shot at customizing a subcompact crossover, it’s because some of these add-ons aren’t one-offs. Certain bits like the lower door cladding, LED accent strips, and hood deflector are available as Subaru dealer-installed accessories in Japan, plus this assorted tat seems to fall close to the ideology of Subaru’s established Wilderness brand. I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if we see some sort of extra-clad Crosstrek on sale in North America at some point for extra protection against the bollards at the Starbucks drive-thru.

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Really, someone should just cancel Subaru’s Amazon Prime account. I don’t know what sort of person looks at the Crosstrek Boost Gear Concept and thinks it looks great, but I do know that I wouldn’t want them anywhere near me. Thankfully, the 2023 Tokyo Auto Salon only runs from Jan. 13 to 15, so at least this uncouth creation won’t disgrace your eyes for long.

(Photo credits: Subaru)

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ScoBud
ScoBud
1 year ago

i owned a Crosstrek for a year and a half. Loud, plastic fantastic interior, no room in the footwells,
engine sounded like it was going to grenade at any moment, underpowered, junk. Other than that it was ok. Oh yea i traded it in on a VW All Track. Excellent vehicle still have it today.

FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
1 year ago
Reply to  ScoBud

Love my Alltrack. Still needs more power, but that’s not hard to fix.

Cerberus
Cerberus
1 year ago

I think the steps are for reaching the roof rack. When I’m loading or unloading kayaks on lower cars than the Crosstrek, I find myself opening the doors to stand on the inner sills to get the straps around the boats and the far side of the mounts. How much weight those steps could support, I have my doubts, and they should also be foldable as their use would be too infrequent for all but a very fanatical bunch of roof haulers or kickboxers looking to strengthen their shin bones through micro-fracturing. Of course, small folding step stools are cheaper. My ’90 Legacy wagon had 4 pretty heavy duty tie downs at each end, so Subaru has forgotten WTF it was doing. Of course, the Legacy didn’t have any tie downs on the sides, but I can’t think of an instance where such a thing would be useful, except for maybe a row boat upside down on the roof, but it would have to have its own tie downs on the gunwales correspondingly in about the same place to tie to and I would still do a bow and stern line and the only place I can see for that are the annoying pop-off covers for the screw in tow hooks that aren’t designed for frequent use.

05LGT
05LGT
1 year ago

This a Garbage Wagon. This is the exemplar of why I have not purchased a newer Subaru. They could make a Crosstrek with a mild lift, those tires, charcoal rims, and a turbo and sell as many as they choose to make, but there’s more short term profit in burning away the brands value by selling bits of garish plastic for thousands of dollars to soon to be disappointed idiots. FUCK SUBARU.

Parsko
Parsko
1 year ago

“This Subaru Is What Everyone In Brooklyn Will Drive When Society Finally Collapses”

Don’t forget Connecticut!

Jim Zavist
Jim Zavist
1 year ago

Many people (like me) buy Crosstreks for primarily urban use, where they’re the perfect tool for our crap infrastructure, much better than vehicles with low ground clearance and low-profile tires.

Dave Horchak
Dave Horchak
1 year ago

Brooklyn? If the apocalypse ever happens everyone in Brooklyn will kill everyone else in Brooklyn. Tbey cant drive they are the true inbred population. Have you seen jersey shore? I will take any country bumpkin area over new york morons.

WOV
WOV
1 year ago

Wow; that Subaru has never been within 1000 miles of that field. Someone at Subaru is collecting a salary doing Photoshop long, long after their PIP should have expired. See also: https://www.subaru.com/vehicle-info/guide-to-electric-vehicles.html

MATTinMKE
MATTinMKE
1 year ago

This is a safe space, Tommy. Tell us how you feel. Let it out.

The Toecutter
The Toecutter
1 year ago

If(when) society collapses, fueling this glorified mall crawler is going to be difficult.

Thomas Metcalf
Thomas Metcalf
1 year ago
Reply to  The Toecutter

Well, YOU can just send your war rig to gastown.

Manwich Sandwich
Manwich Sandwich
1 year ago

Why does the Crosstrek need side steps? It’s for aging baby boomers with hip or knee issues.

TOSSABL
TOSSABL
1 year ago

The first paragraph compared this Crosstrek’s looks with a Jeep. I immediately checked the top pic for Jeep Angry Eyes(TM). Nope: not even mildly miffed. Maybe somewhat peeved?

Eggsalad
Eggsalad
1 year ago

Gingerbread is very profitable. End of story.

Freddy Bartholomew
Freddy Bartholomew
1 year ago

I don’t know… Maybe Subaru needs to move this toward Dekotora (art) truck.

Leighzbohns
Leighzbohns
1 year ago

I’m here for a Subaru dekotora.

CH
CH
1 year ago

Yo! @Thomas Hundal
What’s your problem with Brooklyn?

I know that traffic sucks, lights arent synced, and bicycles think they own the road….. but Brooklyn is still Brooklyn and damn it, we don’t want any more cat owning Subarus around.

Andy Individual
Andy Individual
1 year ago

I’m concerned that this site is starting to take on a real ‘prepper’ tone. From RVs to drive out into the middle of nowhere to live in, shitboxes you can use as battering rams, Mad Maxing roadside trash, individuals hauling their rusty crap to the coast to presumably start a new survivor cult with a multi-tiered member-caste system… How much of a dystopia with this autopia be?

I guess it is a useful tip to know you should eat your spaghetti in the shower, lest you be seen and mistaken for a zombie.

As for this Subie, it looks like someone tried to make a Citroen Cactus but lacked the humour and joy to pull it off.

The Toecutter
The Toecutter
1 year ago

Just wait for Toecutter and gang to show up.

HeyCharger
HeyCharger
1 year ago
Reply to  The Toecutter

‘Cundalini wants his hand back’

Taco Shackleford
Taco Shackleford
1 year ago

I can’t wait for the next model the Subaru Crosstrek Boost Gear concept: By L.L. Bean. Where they keep all the crap on the outside, then make the interior just as ugly!

Lew Schiller
Lew Schiller
1 year ago

The side steps are perfectly placed for you to hit your leg on it as you exit…ideally when it’s crusted with dirty snow.

Slow Joe Crow
Slow Joe Crow
1 year ago

Needs more roof tent, or since it would never actually be used, a fake roof tent that serves as a cargo box for hauling muddy soccer cleats and sweaty yoga mats

Lord Thomas Stuart
Lord Thomas Stuart
1 year ago

This Subaru Is What Everyone In Brooklyn Will LEAVE PARKED IN A TOW AWAY ZONE When Society Finally GETS A DECENT SNOWFALL
Why must I have to correct the title…

Josh Jones
Josh Jones
1 year ago

I don’t think it looks good, but I think “The mid-door areas get plastic rub strips that look as if a seven-year-old carved them out of polystyrene” might be a bit dramatic, no?
I mean, some (presumably) human adult made that based on a designer’s concept. If I was the dude who sculpted that, I’d be slightly offended, especially if it wasn’t my design…
On the other hand, I also think that’s an insult to some 7-year-olds I know :p

Dogisbadob
Dogisbadob
1 year ago

Subaru should just give us the Levorg already

Silent But Deadly
Silent But Deadly
1 year ago
Reply to  Dogisbadob

Levorg is dead. Subaru Oz now have the WRX sportswagon instead…

Dusty Kornphartz
Dusty Kornphartz
1 year ago

Shout out to Sneaky Dee’s. Great Fajitas! It’s a must when visiting Toronto.

Visit while you still are able. Might get bulldozed for condo’s Booooo……..

Andy Individual
Andy Individual
1 year ago

And the nachos! But your comment stings a bit so soon after we just lost Betty’s…

Nsane In The MembraNe
Nsane In The MembraNe
1 year ago

What we want: Crosstrek WRX

What we get: ADVANCED MALL CRAWLER

Unfortunately if they brought this exact Crosstrek to the US they’d sell every single one of them, and probably at over MSRP. Normies just eat this shit up. My mom needs a new car and she wants a Bronco. She’s a petite well off suburban woman who drives maybe 5,000 miles a year on mostly highways who’s used to Audis.

She’d hate a Bronco after 5 minutes, but it’s what she wants and she won’t be talked out of it. I have another family member who’s looking at 4Runners too. I used to have multiple coworkers with Wranglers that had literally never been off pavement. Hell, my wife, who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about cars (it’s both a blessing and a curse) points out every Bronco we see in the wild.

This is what upper middle class normies want. They’ll never use any of the capability but they feel cool and big knowing that they have it. For whatever reason people that don’t care about cars see rugged cars/fake rugged cars and feel something. I don’t get it and never will, but I’m a nerdy enthusiast who spends chunks of time shitposting on car blogs. At the end of the day cars are an emotional purchase and normies get emotional over off road and off road adjacent vehicles.

Slow Joe Crow
Slow Joe Crow
1 year ago

This proves that the Matra Rancho was a visionary concept as the first faux rugged car.

CPL Rabbit
CPL Rabbit
1 year ago

If they need to protect the “WRX” badge, “XT” is still available. Give it the BRZ engine and, for god’s sake, a manual.

Leighzbohns
Leighzbohns
1 year ago

You said normies a bunch and fuck dude, spot on. This applies to bicycles too: everyone needs a Kona Dew or e-dew and yet normies buy terrible huge tired monster bikes with pot-metal parts from radpower and assorted Amazon sellers and then flip out when it breaks and the local shop quotes them 50% of the purchase price to replace all the broken shit.

The Clutch Rider
The Clutch Rider
1 year ago

they had a crosstrek wrx, although it was a forester XT and no one bought it.

Michael Beranek
Michael Beranek
1 year ago

When someone gets up and yells something really, really loudly, you know it’s just to cover up for various deficiencies.
“We like our quarterback room just fine as it is”
“Our special military operation is going very well”
“I’m a very stable genius”
“Subarus are tough, off-road vehicles”

Huja Shaw
Huja Shaw
1 year ago

Fugly . . . even by Subie standards.

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