One of the biggest surprises of my recent trip to France was that truck culture isn’t nearly as huge of a thing out there as it is in America. Sure, people own trucks, but they’re often rigs just barely bigger than a Japanese Kei truck. Maybe you’ll see a Ford Ranger, but that’s about it.
I wonder how a European visiting America for the first time feels when they see our wide roads crawling with Ford F-150s, Ram 1500s, Chevy Silverado 1500s, and their even bigger counterparts. Truck advertising sometimes gets as bombastic as America’s trucks are, but I think Sid Bridge has conjured up the most American truck commercial you’ve ever heard of, from the Morning Dump:
The orchestra quietly comes in, intensity low, as the camera begins to pan across a Ram truck, starting from the front quarter. The music builds as it slowly moves down the side of the Cummins-powered, crew cab, long bed behemoth, endlessly panning as the voiceover cuts on:
“The new Ram is long. A lot of things in your life are long. Like the loan term on your old Ram. The loan term on your new Ram. Your student loan. Your dick. Your new Ram truck. Your brother’s prison term. Your ex’s nose. (quick cutaway) This potato chip I found in the bag that somehow remained intact even though it’s long (cuts back to the Ram, still panning) Your mother-in-law’s lifespan. Your wife’s to-do list she compiled for you. Your list of friends who want you to help them move because you have a truck. Teddy Long. A long-neck ice cold beer – you know, that thing that never let you down. The Ram Truck. Holy shit this thing is long. Buy one.”
Camera reaches the rear bumper, music fades.
I have this Ram commercial stuck in my head, so you will too!
Rad Barchetta adds to it:
Please tell me there’s a “We Brake For Nobody” sticker on that bumper.
Manwich Sandwich also needs a mention here:
“Why Chrysler Jeep Dodge Ram Customers Are Double-Screwed Right Now”
I believe in the porn world, that’s known as ‘DP’
But wait until Chrysler/Jeep/Dodge/Ram customers get Triple-Screwed… that’s known as an ‘Air Tight’…
“ “To maintain the successful course, a strictly technology-agnostic path within the policy framework is essential.””
Blah blah blah… just another legacy auto exec wanted to dial back emissions mandates in a roundabout way.
The truth is, the policy framework IS technology-agnostic. It’s just that BEVs are the best solution compared to everything else. Anyone with a basic understanding of efficiency and the laws of thermodynamics would understand why BEVs are where it’s at.
Sadly it seems a lot of legacy automotive execs seem to lack this basic understanding of science.
Or even if they do understand, they’ll develop a convenient form of Amnesia so they can justify spending less on new tech investment that the shift to BEVs requires.
“Please try to come up for a slogan or marketing plan to sell any current Stellantis product.”
I’ll do more than that… I’ll give you a whole commercial:
Fuck you, old Chrysler customers!
If you’re dumb enough to keep buying our shit, you’re a big enough schmuck to come to your local Stellantis dealer!!!
Bad deals! Sky-high MSRPs!!! Cars that break down! Thieves!
If you think you’re going to find a bargain at Stellantis, you can kiss our ass!
It’s our belief that you’re such a stupid motherfucker, you’ll fall for this bullshit—GUARANTEED!!!
If you find a better deal, shove it up your ugly ass! You heard us right! SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!!!
Bring your trade! Bring your title! Bring your wife! We’ll fuck her! That’s right!
WE’LL FUCK YOUR WIFE!!!
Because as Stellantis customer, you’re fucked six ways from Sunday!
Take a hike to your local Stellantis dealer – Home of Challenge Pissing!
That’s right! CHALLENGE PISSING!
How does it work? If you can piss six feet in the air straight up and not get wet, you get no down payment!
Don’t wait! Don’t delay! Don’t fuck with us, or we’ll rip your nuts off!
Only at Stellantis, the only car maker that tells you to fuck off!
Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you write us a cheque, and it better not bounce or you’re a dead motherfucker!
Go to hell!!!
Stellantis! The worlds exclusive home of the worst deals and the meanest sons-of-bitches!!!
GUARANTEED!!!!
Have a great evening, everyone!
On that commercial, one detail missed is that the voiceover has to be a baritone from Texas.
I’m a little worried about Manwich Sandwich now.
That was the most annoying cotd I have read yet
Agreed. But sometimes the truth hurts.