There’s a story making the rounds right now about how noted Scientologist and star of the 1985 cult classic Legend (it’s possible he’s had some other gigs since then, I didn’t check) attempted to enter the car of UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak’s presumably state-owned and armored car while at a heliport in London. I was asked to write this up, since it’s, you know, car-related news about multiple famous people, and I agreed, but now as I really think about it, I think the real story is the fact that this incredibly minor incident is getting all the attention it is. And now I’m contributing to that attention! So, screw it, let’s look at what happened, and why this is blowing up.
And it is blowing up; the tweet that shows what happened has over 4.3 million views at this moment, and there’s a ton of news stories out there discussing what happened.
Here, look at all of these:
I like the headlines that say “nearly hijacks” because that implies a whole other level of intent here. Much more exciting. Let’s take a look at the video from this, um, event so we can decide for ourselves just what level of thrilling this is, on a scale from, say, Mission Impossible II to Cocktail:
Tom Cruise almost jumps in Rishi Sunak's car while out in Wandsworth, London pic.twitter.com/GVLbNi6gFO
— UB1UB2 West London (Southall) (@UB1UB2) June 3, 2024
Okay, yes, it happened, but exactly what happened? Tom Cruise lands at a heliport, knows he has to get into some hire car that isn’t his, so he tries to open the door of a black Audi, but, oops, that’s not it, so he goes to the black Mercedes-Benz next to it and our exciting, two-fisted tale of walking up to the wrong car comes to a satisfying and climactic end.
I do get why it was deemed newsworthy, of course: it’s Tom Cruise, one of the best-known movie actor fellas of our time, and Rishi Sunak is the leader of one of the biggest beans-on-toast-eating nations of Earth, and it’s in the middle of an election campaign. So I get that the interaction and intersection of these two humans would be deemed newsworthy, but is this really an interaction? Dude walked up to the wrong car. That was it.
I guess if Chamomile Bandersnatch or Menchavik Thunderscratch or Benedict Cumberbatch or whoever were to attempt to enter the American Presidential “Beast” limo, that would make news, too. I guess.
This whole thing just feels ridiculous. For one thing, Cruise had a perfect opportunity and squandered it. That dude has been trained in spy movies for decades. He couldn’t have found some way into that Audi? Please. He didn’t even try.
Also, a bit of this reporting kind of struck me as, I suppose, disheartening. This is from the Politico article:
Famously the two men share a likeness beyond their choice of vehicle — their diminutive stature. Both stand at around 5ft 7 inches, and Sunak in particular has been mocked by his opponents over his height.
As a person of “diminutive stature” myself, I think I can comfortably say what the fuck, Politico? The fuck does height have to do with anything? Does it really matter so little what someone accomplishes that somehow being short is what’s most relevant? Ridiculous, but, whatever, that’s how the world works. What’s also maddening is the “share a likeness beyond their choice of vehicle” because neither of them chose those vehicles: Cruise had some car-service-supplied Mercedes, and the PM had the official Audi (they can’t use a Jag or something British?). They didn’t go out of their way to select these things!
Well, now that I wrote this up, I’m even more convinced it’s all sort of stupid. Happy to be of service!
Wait, the PM of Great Britain has an Audi? Not a Jag, or Land Rover, or Rolls, or Bentley? WTH?
I regret that I clicked this now after I read it. It’s sort of not interesting.
The funniest outcome would have been if they both stayed in it until their egos suffocated them both.
Slow news day huh?
Cruise could have found a way into the Audi, but he’s too smart to be seen in one.
I don’t know where people get 5’7″ is “short” at all. 5’5″ like me? Sure. I can’t even reach the top of my pantry to get my slow cooker out and thus have to climb up there using the shelves like a monkey. But 5’7″ is within the standard range of height for an adult man.
I’m 5″4, and have been mocked for it until I finished school at 24 years old. Countless times have I been told by would be romantic partners that I was “cute and funny but too short”.
First I used the frustration as a motivation to become my best self (engineer, pilot, DIY wrench, entrepreneur). Then, I just rolled with the jokes, found a lady who didn’t care and now my life is awesome.
Who’s laughing now?
We can fit in the back seat of a Mustang and can wear tight fitting shirts without them riding up, so there are some benefits.
Being a short guy and a gear head is indeed a blessing. No “the Miata is too cramped” for me!
5’7″ is Hollywood short, but I don’t feel too short at that same height.
Many actors are much less tall than you imagine. I think 5’7″ is dating app short, but not Hollywood short.
I’m 5’10” and I get told I’m short all the time. The goalposts for height have been moved an awful lot lately and I’m not entirely sure why.
Bro I guarantee if Cumberbitch Bundersnatch tried to enter Biden’s Beast, that would be totally different news
That’s the weirdest part, that it’s just parked there with the rest of the executive chauffeur cars.
Besides being basically a box truck with an armored limo body, the beast would probably be in a lot cleared of everything but secret service vehicles/police.
I have to drive a silver Prius.
Tell me about trying to figure out which car is yours.
Which one is which? They’re both short, I can’t tell them apart from up here above six feet!
Sunak = dead PM walking. Zombie administration. After the nightmare that is Brexit, they’re going to throw those Con bums out.
Careful now, the British public has a strong history of voting against their own self-interest.
Hey, just like us ‘muricans, and probably most other ‘freely’ voting populaces in the world! Turns out making educated voting decisions is not particularly easy or common… who knew :p
If only the British Secret Service had opened fire on Cruise. Now that would’ve been news worth reading.
If it was some parts of the US, the cops would’ve have opened fire on Sunak.
What is this, Jalopnik?
Truth is truth regardless of where it comes from.
I was surprised to see that the Daily Mail and The Sun didn’t run headlines along the lines of “Crazed foreigner tries to invade Rishi’s ride”, with perhaps a subtitle in The Sun promising “TOM’S TITS – PAGE 6”.
Too normal for british tabloids … it would be more like:
“Tozzer trousering Rishi-rickshaw” or
“Cruizzo cabbaging Premmies pap-pap”
Tom Cruise’s costar in Cocktail was in my high school graduating class. Does that make me part of this story?
Elisabeth Shue?
Yep, and my wife’s college roommate graduated with Cruise. The high schools were about 5 miles apart.
Don’t f_ck with the babysitter!
Unfortunately, Disney cleansed that line to don’t fool with the babysitter. They messing with a classic
This gives bummer.
No. I went to high school with James John Liautaud and I’m still waiting for my free sandwich.
At least he didn’t jump up and down on Sunak’s car
What I’m getting out of this is that Mercedes and Audi need to work on their brand recognition a bit more…
Iirc Lincoln had a commercial in ’80s where a parking valet couldn’t tell a Cadillac from a Buick or Olds.
The Cimmaron, Skyhawk, and Firenza resemble that comment.
(along with the Cavalier, J/2000, Sunbird, Camira, Monza, etc…)
In seriousness, Cruise probably wasn’t even told what the vehicle was, he was just following the driver/PA and lost track of him when he turned to wave to the cameras. He then grabbed for the car in his peripheral vision. Torch is right, not news
This. So much this!
Nice to know in this modern AI generated fake news fantasy conspiracy oriented world, we can still witness a genuine common mistake regardless of how famous we may be.
And btw did anybody else notice Tom showing off his 60 year old Dad-bod in that shirt?
His name is Bunnybutt Custardpatch, get it right!
One other note, if we made cars in actual colors again instead of all black maybe this wouldn’t happen? The Prime Minister’s car should be sporting a Union Jack wrap at the very least.
Look, if a famous Brit is going to go around in a car sporting a Union Jack, it’s gotta be a convertible Jag.
PS: CURSE YOU, AUTOPIAN, FOR NOT ALLOWING ME TO POST THAT SCENE FROM THE END OF GOLDMEMBER WHERE TOM CRUISE PLAYS AUSTIN POWERS!
Agreed this is not news but it’s worth it for Chamomile Bandersnatch and Menchavik Thunderscratch.
Will these two clandestine British agents (who I assume go undercover in drag on most of their missions) ever cross paths with Max Hardigrew?
The guy is OT VIII, guarantee you he could have gotten himself into that car if he really wanted to, he was holding back
I once took my grandmother to the pharmacy and she tried to get into an ’80s Ford Taurus instead of my ’84 Civic. They were both silver. The lady in the Taurus who was already in the passenger seat was terrified.
My mother-in-law has done this. Multiple times. Her kids used to send her into stores alone to set her up for exactly this.
My ex knew nothing about cars and one time we were trying to find a friend’s house she goes “I think that’s his car” “are you sure” “I think he has a red japanese car”
Well it was orange and korean, so half a point? It was also a sedan vs the hatchback she had pointed out.
I took my mom’s camry once to the hardware store to pick something up real quick. Didn’t even bother to lock the car as it was a 3 minute trip. On the way back to the car I hop into an identical camry a row over and it takes me a while to figure out why the seats and mirrors are adjusted strangely. Apparently there’s many people out there with a 2012 silver Camry that keep nothing in their cars.
I did this in high school but to an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. From what I remember, the remotes for those literally only had like 12 different possibilities or something crazy like that, so there were 2 red, 97 Olds in my high school parking lot and my remote would unlock both. Key wouldn’t start it, but man it was weird.
I scared some poor guy when I absent-mindedly tried to get into his car at the grocery store. Imagine a sasquatch grabbing the door handle of you car and trying to open it. Glad guns are not allowed in Canada. If it was the US, the situation might have gone badly sideways.
When I was in grad school, my girlfriend and I were driving a friend somewhere and he needed to run an errand. He hopped out of the car (an early aughts Explorer) to run into the store. After a few minutes he came running back, jumped in the back seat, and yelled for us to leave immediately. It turns out there was another Explorer parked near the entrance to the store. He climbed in the wrong car by mistake and about gave the poor woman behind the wheel a heart attack.
I for one am completely on board with Politico calling out their heights, they, like you, were desperately grasping at straws trying to find something to make this worth reporting, and they decided to imply that Cruise could play as Sunak in a movie. Ignoring the fact that Cruise is 15 years older and that they look as much alike as I look like a killer whale.
To be fair, we haven’t seen you, so how are we to know you’re telling the truth?
Fair point. I very well could be a hyper intelligent orca with a waterproof computer. Learning to type was incredibly difficult without fingers, you primates don’t know how good you have it!
At 6’2″, i’m often jealous of those with Sunak/Cruise stature, as they get to drive fun cars much more comfortably than I am able to. Looking at you Miata, S2000, anything Lotus, BRZ, etc.
Never been an issue. I used to not like being of average stature, 5′ 9″, but I can fit perfectly in anything, so I have long since come to enjoy it.
I’m 6′ and have weird proportions – my legs are the same length as a friend who is 6’3″ – and I have discovered I am completely unable to fit comfortably in Toyotas.
Which aren’t generally fun cars but are all of the Ubers.
As a size XL-T human I an hugely jealous of those 8 – 12 inches shorter than I. There are a ton of cars I want to drive but just can’t. Miata is NOT the answer. In a BRZ my head touches the headliner so the chance of driving it with a helmet: 0%. Supra, same thing.
I sat in a Lotus Elise the other day. There was just enough headroom for a helmet but the default seats are inches to narrow and the pedal box was not set up for large feet.
I get a lot of people telling me “I wish I was your height”. I usually ask them if they can fit in an airplane or theater seat without knee pain, hip pain, and bruised shins.
I’m a xxxxlt at 6’5, imagine a taller Clarkson without the gut. I comfortably look over the windshield in a Miata, cannot fit through the door on an Elise or BRZ. I haven’t tried a Supra yet but I’m sure it will be too small. Cars that I can fit in number less than a dozen and I am not a fan of SUV or trucks. Flying or theatres are not even remotely fun. I have owned small cars in the past including 240z, TR6, TR7, early Mini (tight fit) and a couple of Corvettes. Seems that the product planners are not even considering the edge cases of Vitruvian man. As to the wish I was your height I usually response no you really don’t.
My neighbors have a super-low mileage garage queen 2001 S2000. I have been granted first dibs if they sell it.
They let me borrow it a while back, and although I fit in it, it was only comfortable for about 10 minutes at a time. I can’t imagine rowing that transmission for extended periods and pretending like I’m comfortable.
It makes me sad, and I’m really not crazy tall in the grand scheme of things.
It’s an amazing car, but owning it would be like buying an awesome pair of shoes that is a size too small.
Also, finding clothes that fit properly is waaaaay easier. And not worrying about bashing your head on lower than average doorways, ceilings, etc. Average stature FTW!
P.S. I’m sensing a business opportunity for a small lightweight sportscar designed for tall people. I’m sure I’d lose my shirt, but it sounds like a great design challenge. If only the original version of Local Motors was still a thing…
I also am vertically challenged. However, at 5’6″ I tower over the rest of my household. OK, I’m 2″ taller than my wife, but her mom is SHORT. I guess I could be the PM if only I were British.
But are you also catastrophically off-putting? That seems to be an important quality they look for in a PM.
That depends on who you ask…
“catastrophically off-putting”
Seems to be a pre-requisite for modern politics.
Hey now! Let’s show a little respect for El Presidente Claudia Sheinbaum. At least Mexico appears to be getting elections right.
Sunak is fine. Lizzy Lettuce on the other hand….
He seems like a decent enough PM. Too bad he’d be shown the door soon.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Go snark about in your own country’s IPs, you twatty cunts!
Am Canadian, feel free to let loose. We’ve got the pretty vacant nepo baby (and his dad, who I guess was at least more effective?), who replaced the benignly evil android, we had that one guy who choked a protestor, some bland policy wonks, and the guy who killed the Avro Arrow
Unfortunately the leader of the opposition is Milhouse.
Say what you will about Trudeau, I’ll take him over Milhouse every day.
A snarky little shit millhouse at that.