Copywriting for car brochures isn’t an easy job. Imagine having to work the word “dynamic” into every other sentence! That’s no joke. And it never has been easy, it’s always been its own very specific art, and sometimes that means things don’t always land or work. Like in this 1971 Triumph brochure, which is trying to give each of the cars featured some kind of pithy nickname. And fails. Dramatically.
Really, I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen such un-catchy nicknames for a car! And it’s clear that some likely now-long-dead copywriter tried really hard here but, damn, did these not work.
This one is the worst, so let;s do it first, because I’m eager to be, you know, bitchy:
The Triumph Toledo! What’s a fun nickname for this exciting little coupé that everyone will remember and call this exciting little car? Something memorable and catchy, clever and fun! How about “the noise abatement car!”
…
Huh. Who would have thought co-opting the language of municipal ordinances would end up in such a wet turd of a nickname? A nickname about, uh, relative lack of noise. Great job, copywriter!
I also like how the bellhop at this hotel looks like he was ousted from his country in a bloody revolution and probably still responds to “generalissimo”:
The other nicknames here are more just forgettable than terrible like the “noise abatement car,” and some are almost just fine. Like this one:
The Stag is “the challenger.” Okay, not bad, too bad it’s already the model name of a Dodge, but whatever.
The V.I.P. car, sure, why not. Kinda generic and forgettable, but you know, not embarrassing.
This one, on the other hand, is embarrassing, especially with our 54-year-later mores and ways of thinking.
This one is just awkward and a little confusing; the nickname is about how the car seems like it’s worth £451 better than you’d expect? I mean, that’s about ten grand in today’s money, so maybe it is a big deal? Still, hardly rolls off the tongue.
Okay, this one isn’t the worst – a 1.5-liter limo is actually kind of a fun concept and almost alliterative – but I included it because I love that scarab beetle green color of the car there.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hop into my Zoned For Traffic Calming Car and take a spin.
“EELS” AS A VERB! “EELS” AS A VERB!
“[The Triumph Herald] simply eels its way through town traffic.”
The “1 1/2 litre limousine” reminds me of an ad for the 1980’s Buick Century and Skylark, which were marketed as “The Little Limousine”
Disappointed not to see a Dolomite represented here.
I haven’t found an official nickname for mine. There’s a button, though:
https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/54421172662_0ffaebe195.jpg
Forget the nicknames–all the regular names are terrible. There’s no system!
The 1500 and 2000? OK, sure, got some 4-digit numbers going there. That’s fine.
The Toledo? Uh, okay, we’re switching gears here, but naming a car for an exotic foreign city is tried-and-true. (Assuming they’re thinking of the Toledo in Spain, not the one in Ohio.)
The Stag? Hey, I thought we were doing cities! But, fine.
The Herald 13/60? What is that, an irreducible fraction?
The 2.5 P.I. Mk.2? This is, like, one element too long. Should have been the Triumph Cleveland.
Not only was Challenger a Dodge, but there was a Plymouth Fury trim level called VIP. It was their answer to the Ford LTD and Chevy Caprice in the mid/late ’60s.
Of course none of those were sold in the UK – and they weren’t actual model names, so no trademark infringement issues.
“my Zoned For Traffic Calming Car…”
That would be the Changli, right?
So, is the Herald being the Wives’ Car and the picture showing no women mean that “sure, it’s the second car, but it’s so good you’ll want to drive it all the time” in 70’s-ese, or does it mean that it got to 4:45 on a Friday and no one was paying much attention?
The suit-wearing men caught my attention. So these are executives with enough clout to take off work for a round of golf but not high enough on the company ladder to afford a better car?
The Triumph Toledo is interesting because the same body from the 1500 was changed from FWD to RWD during production! To save costs!
I have actually driven every one of those cars and they all drive pretty well and are better than the sum of their parts. I especially like the Stag with its “massive” 145hp. The 2500 sedans and wagons are also great driving machines.
Triumph did get a nickname right with the Dolomite.
MG Rover did the same thing in reverse, changing the FWD 75 & ZT to RWD for the 75 V8 and ZT260
The Noise Abatement Car is a special vehicle in the code enforcement fleet. It’s equipped with a water cannon, surprisingly versatile against everything from fireworks to ATVs to leaf blowers.
This week in “American man bamboozled by opaque yet rigidly enforced British class system”
I like the new blue names to identity authors and editors from the normal riffraff, but the “Editor” tag on your photo goes right across your face and makes it seem like a censor bar. Who is this mystery man from the old world?
Indeed. Who could he be?
To be fair, Americans are frequently bamboozled by their own class system.
To listen to the “Elites”, Americans have no class.
If only they just pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps, they’d make the rules.
It’s much less pervasive and a lot more egalitarian in the US, which is one of the reasons i like it there.
Speaking of which, “2000 guineas” is in this case a reference to the horse race of the same name, rather than the antiquated currency.
Because classy people go to ‘orse races, innit.
In the Herald’s description, the writer uses ‘eel’ as a verb. Apparently this is an accepted usage but I hadn’t seen it before – consider me nonplussed.
Fun fact: James May once turned a Triumph Herald into a boat.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nl3bsL7Nbnk
Better “eeling” than “feagueing” I say.
The bellhop reminds me of Willy Millowitsch. And that’s Melania and young Chevy Chase there with him.
Who was the Stag’s chief rival? (as it says there in the brochure..)
The Tatra 603?
The Daimler SP250?
I mean it must be another strangely shaped car, with a strangely small V8?
It must have been Lincoln: the writer keeps going on about “the Continentals”. 😉
Mercedes SL, according to the enthusiast magazines of the day.
Calling one of them The Ant was right. There.
The Triumph Ant.
I’ll see myself out.
Please do. You know we don’t appreciate word play around here.
Reliant took that name for the TW9
Too similar to the Lincoln Ford product, the L-F Ant.
Austin used the “Ant” name https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Austin_Ant
Quoting a “0-50” time on that 1500 seems a bit cheaty. I suspect I know the reason why…
Forget the 0-50 time, they actually quote the 0-30 time on the Stag! And then follow-up with the 50-70 time ????
I won’t buy any vehicle that doesn’t have class leading 25-45-15 times.
Surprisingly inconsistent mention of engine size also!
So we have:
“1300 engine” – not in the name but down in the text. Fine I guess.
V8 engine – no mention of size…
2.5 (P.I.) – works but you started to measure in whole liters now…
13/60 – measured in deciliters, but with the horsepower in the name. Nice Idea.
2000 – this time it’s in the name, but now we’re talking mililiters
1500 – also in the name. But the headline has oldschool half sign, and the car looks almost identical to the Toledo (1300)?
And you’re wondering why they went out of business? Don’t get me wrong, I love old Triumphs, and my 1963 Spitfire was great! It was by the way called the 4. For 4 cylinders…
You have to recall that a guinea is actually a pound and a shilling (or £1.05). 2000 guineas is £2100, so they’re really saying it’s worth £551 more than they charge for it.
Much better now, right?
I defer to Spanner and GN’s much better explanations.
Fun fact – Guinea is not another name for the pound, but in this context it’s actually £1 1s in ‘old money’, or £1.05 in modern currency.
They were formally worth £1 but due to some fluctuations in the price of the gold used to make them they were fixed at £1 1s sometime in the 19th century. However, some industries (notably horse racing being one of them because the advert is heavy with the horse racing terminology) continued to use the Guinea.
Even today horse racing prizes in the UK are denominated in Guineas even though we no longer have Guinea coins, shillings, gold currency, or the colony of Guinea in west Africa where the gold came from.
The ‘2000 guineas touch’ is incredibly awkward and confusing as you say, Jason, but I think it is referring to the horse race rather than how expensive it seems. Hence the reference to ‘big money stakes’ and the horse-based background. The 2000 Guineas Stakes is one of Britain’s five ‘classic races’, the five top flat races in the season, and the ad also says the car has become a classic.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh see this is what happens when you never get invited to British horse races
I live in horse country in Wiltshire in the west of England, you hereby have an open invitation to come over and go to the races! You can also borrow my base model Dacia Jogger: a manual wagon with steel wheels, no screens and loads of buttons.
This is wildly appealing
I expect at least 1000 words and loads of pictures, thanks.
I’m afraid they would take one look at you, horse whip you soundly, and eject you from the grounds. Best not.
“Enough room behind the wheel for a real longshanks” stopped me COLD. Excuse me, I’m standing RIGHT HERE.
I’m going to start referring to tall people as “longshanks” from now on. Maybe I get punched, maybe not.
Autopian: The site with the green banner.
Ahem.
It is TEAL.
Pardon my cataracts.
I enjoy that “faster acceleration” is followed by a 12 second 0-50mph explainer. The good ole days…
Between Challenger and VIP, someone at Triumph must have really had a thing for Chrysler’s model names.
“Challenger” always seemed like an odd choice, either way. Perpetually in 2nd place, never the champ.
Like Avis’ “we try harder”, well, you’ve been trying harder for decades and the company that keeps getting it’s customers arrested is still more successful than you somehow
Oh no, the company that would pick you up (will they stll?) passed both of them by.
Granted, if you’re in a segment with a clear frontrunner and find yourself as #2, however distant a second that may be, establishing that in your ads and setting up a duopoly in customers’ minds with yourself as the go-to alternative can be a good move to set yourself apart from a crowd of also-rans. It worked for Avis for a generation, it worked for Pepsi for most of the 20th century.
“The wives’ car” is especially bad because they seem to be saying “This is the car for your wives.” Wives plural.
Triumph Herald… the official car of Utah