Truly Terrible Ideas: 1985 Alfa Romeo Spider vs 1998 Audi A8 Quattro

Welcome back! Today, we’re going to look at two cars you really shouldn’t buy. Really. Just don’t. I mean, they’re cheap and all, but no.

Yesterday’s old Hondas sparked a lot of “I used to have one of those” comments. Everyone has had some passing experience with an old ’70s/’80s Honda, it seems, including me. And everyone seems to be aware of how easily they rusted, including me.

The little yellow Civic took the lion’s share of the votes, and I agree that it’s the more special of the two. It’s a cute little sucker, too; I’ve always liked how the turn signals look like fog lights on those. But for me, it’s the Accord. A little cheaper, a little further along the road to resurrection, and I can’t say no to quad round headlights.

Now, I know some of you think nearly all the cars featured here are bad ideas. But today’s choices are really bad ideas. Like, Ishtar bad. Drunk-dialing your ex on their honeymoon bad. Skinny-dipping in a drainage ditch in Florida bad. I can’t wait to show them to you.

1985 Alfa Romeo Spider – $1,500

Engine/drivetrain: 2.0-liter dual overhead cam inline 4, five-speed manual, RWD

Location: Berkeley, CA

Odometer reading: unknown

Operational status: I don’t think so

The Alfa Romeo Spider is a hard car to resist. It’s low and sleek, with those classic Pininfarina lines (ruined slightly by later updates), a sonorous twin-cam engine, and sharp handling. It made Dustin Hoffman cool and earned Niki Lauda‘s stamp of approval. And better still, it’s an Italian sports car of the people, produced in sufficient numbers to make used ones reasonably cheap and easy to find.

The Spider saw a number of changes over the years; this third series Spider has the black rubber spoiler on the back, and Bosch fuel injection on its twin-cam engine. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you whether or not this one runs, because there are exactly zero details in the ad. It just says “Call for information.”

What little information we do have must be gleaned from the photos, of which there are few. For the most part, it looks like a typical scruffy Alfa that has been yanked from someone’s garage after some number of years. The paint is faded, but the body looks more or less straight. The top is intact, but the back window is missing. The interior is all there, but it isn’t in great shape. But then you get to this photo:

And honestly, I don’t know what to make of that. Why is it on top of a forklift? Is it still on top of a forklift? Is this a junkyard? What on Earth have they done to this poor car? “Call for information.” Yeah, I don’t think so, pal. Explain yourself.

1998 Audi A8 Quattro – $1,400

Engine/drivetrain: 4.2 liter dual overhead cam V8, five-speed automatic, AWD

Location: Los Angeles, CA

Odometer reading: 152,000 miles

Operational status: Runs and will drive, but stuck in 4th gear

Now this car I could say made Jason Statham look cool, but let’s be honest – he doesn’t need the help. This is an older A8 than that one, but it’s a cool car in its own right, with a 296 horsepower V8, all-wheel-drive, an all-aluminum body, and that good solid German road feel. It’s also, however, a product of Ferdinand Piëch’s time at the helm of the Volkswagen Group, vehicles not known for simplicity or reliability.

The ad for this car is a little light on photos as well, but at least the seller provides a bit more information on the car’s condition. It sat for three years before coming into the seller’s possession and being revived. It does start, run, and drive, but the transmission is locked into 4th gear, I assume as part of some kind of limp mode. Curiously, they also say there is no check-engine light on. Maybe the bulb is burned out.

In addition to whatever is going on with the transmission, it also needs brakes all around, upper control arms in the front, a transmission mount, and some other odds and ends. The seller says the timing belt “looks fine,” but that’s not a place you want to trust a visual inspection. Just bite the bullet and replace the damn thing, then you know it’s good.

Cosmetically, it’s OK, but not great. The paint is dull, the interior has a few tears, and the whole thing just looks sort of grubby. This would be fine if it were in good mechanical condition, but being both scruffy-looking and worn out makes it a hard sell.

Obviously, the low price of either of these is just a down payment. You’ll double or triple that amount just to take care of the problems we know about, and who knows what other surprises are just waiting to be discovered? But as bad decisions go, an Italian or German car is probably less potentially disastrous than anything involving Tijuana or multi-level marketing. At least you get a cool-looking car out of it. So which one are you throwing away money on?

(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)