Welcome back to Shitbox Showdown! Today we’re looking at an extinct category of car: the two-door full-size luxury car. I’m not talking about personal luxury coupes, but the two-door variants of cars usually sold as four-doors. You’ll need some nice wide parking spots to open these doors.
But let’s check out yesterday’s results from the 1990 Dodge Dakota Convertible vs 1990 C4 Chevy Corvette showdown. I’m a bit surprised by this one; I thought it was going the other way based on the comments. The Corvette ended up winning, and by a pretty significant margin. Several commenters pointed out that the Vette is actually the less exotic of these two, and therefore less interesting, but maybe that worked in its favor? Better the devil you know and all that.
For me, it has to be the manual transmission Dakota convertible. I really like C4 Vettes, but I can’t stand that later interior. I would have to have an earlier one with the square dash. Besides, a convertible pickup truck is just my kind of weird.
Now then: Two-door cars are getting rare these days, but there was a time when almost every car that came with four doors was also available with just two, including full-size sedans. Today we’re going to look at two such cars, one from GM and one from Ford. Both are post-downsizing, but neither is what you’d call small. Both of these cars are courtesy of the Underappreciated Survivors group on Facebook. Let’s check them out.
1981 Mercury Grand Marquis – $5,000
Engine/drivetrain: 302 cubic inch overhead valve V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Des Moines, IA
Odometer reading: 82,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Raise your hand if you’ve never seen a two-door squarebody Panther before. That’s what I thought. Ford actually offered the Crown Victoria and Mercury Grand Marquis as a coupe until 1987, but they didn’t sell nearly as well as the four-door sedans. Fewer than 5,000 Mercurys like this one were built. And I bet not many at all were green-on-green.
Matching interiors and exteriors are all but extinct these days too, unless the outside of the car is painted gray or black. This pale green is amazing, and I absolutely love it. The fake woodgrain is the icing on the cake. And it looks like it’s all in beautiful shape, too. The seller says it has some minor cracks in the dash, but nothing I can see from here.
This Grand Marquis is powered by Ford’s good old 302 V8, equipped with a two-barrel carburetor, and backed by an AOD overdrive automatic. It runs and drives well, and has a new carb and a new alternator. It’s not fast, but it’s not supposed to be; this car is all about sailing down the highway in comfort.
It looks clean-as-a-whistle on the outside as well, though these four photos are the only ones in the ad, so it’s a little hard to judge. I’m sure the parts we can’t see are just as nice. Yeah, five grand is a little much for an old malaise-era luxury car, but it’s a rare one, in a fantastic color.
1977 Buick Electra Park Avenue – $9,500 Canadian (about $6,900 US)
Engine/drivetrain: 350 or 403 cubic inch overhead valve V8, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Sturgeon County, Alberta, Canada
Odometer reading: 128,000 kilometers
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Buick’s top-of-the-line Electra was downsized for fuel efficiency in 1977, but it was only a little shorter than the previous model. It was, however, about eight hundred pounds lighter, and that’s what made the difference in economy. The massive 455 cubic inch engine was retired, replaced by either Buick’s own 350 or a 403 cubic inch Oldsmobile engine, itself a replacement for Olds’s legendary 455 “Rocket.” The seller doesn’t specify which engine is in this car.
The Park Avenue was the top trim level for the Electra, loaded with comfort and convenience features and equipped with plush cushy seats designed by Flexsteel. We joke about cars like this being a “living room on wheels,” but in this case, that’s a lot closer to the truth. This one has a little wear and tear inside, but it still looks mighty comfy.
It runs and drives well, according to the seller, and has only 128,000 kilometers (a little under 80,000 miles) on the clock. Everything works, and if my old LeSabre is any indication, it’s an amazing highway cruiser. Thirsty, sure; even downsized, I bet it doesn’t do much better than fifteen or sixteen miles per gallon, but oh so comfortable.
Tight parking spaces are a bit of a problem; just look at how much of that side profile is door. At least it makes getting into the back seat easier. I do wonder, however, how much the impracticality of the long doors led to the demise of cars like this.
These things are terribly impractical, there’s no denying that. They’re very large compared to their interior room, they’re inefficient, and they have the driving dynamics of a marshmallow. But they’re also unlike anything on the road today. Either one would make a nice weekend cruiser. Which one moves you?
(Image credits: Facebook Marketplace sellers)
That Mercury is within 10 miles of me, and is obviously the better choice. With a kid on the way, $5,000 is a lot of money right now – but if this had come up for sale a year ago I’d have had to at least go look at it.
Man, all the Mercury is missing is a compass mounted on top of the dash
Oh man, remembering my great-uncle’s Mercury with the dashboard analog clock now. Such a cool little touch.
Grandad memory unlocked!
It was an Uncle for me, kinda the grandfather I never had since both died before I was born. Though I was just a little kid, I recall the same compass getting moved from one big Ford barge to another.
I tend to prefer Buick for my near-luxury brands, but that green-on-green Merc is impossible to beat. It’s more unique. It seems a little cleaner. And it’s in the US. A shockingly easy choice.
I like both of these, almost went with the Merc because of the green/green combo. But I am more of a GM guy, especially the big cars, and I find it super entertaining that you pretty much had to ask your passenger what time it is because of where they stuck the dash clock. Plus those seats look supremely 70s styled comfy.
Ugh, I’m gonna be the “well, ACTually …” guy today: the Buick is an Electra Limited – the Park Avenue trim was only available on the sedan in ’77. And the seats are a little dirty, but that’s not mold: it’s the Limited “custom” sculptured brocade cloth. And based on the other equipment (the correct road wheels, automatic climate control), I’m going to guess it’s got the 403.
For those reasons, plus Buick > Mercury, we’ll take the deuce-and-a-quarter.
I’m a Buick guy, but for some reason this Electra gives me the willies. Maybe because it’s from Canadia.
The de Sade in shamrock-shake hue is a very cool Ford that I can embrace. A newer, fuelie 302 from the 90’s would be an easy swap and would give this car a bit more boogie.
You had me at Shamrock Shake!
I usually order them 50/50 with chocolate
That green interior is incredible – auto win
Ex had a 74 LTD 2 door. Died in degrees and then all at once. Even knowing the lineage of the Mercury, I’m still picking it over the Buick. Green over green and an interior that doesn’t look like it requires you to have all your shots.
the green interior makes it the winner
Hmmm, I expected the Buick to run away with this one due to the bigger engine and honestly better lines, imho.
However, I voted for the Merc due to the green-on-green, cheaper price and the fact that my dad was a Mercury Man through and through, including having the wagon version of this car, which is also one of the cars I learned to drive in.
I’ve owned the 4-door variants of both of these cars, and if this were an exact match-up, I’d rather have the Buick – that car would be the more comfortable of the two.
However, these aren’t an exact match up and for $1900 less, that big rare Panther-pistachio pudding box would be the one I’d find some garage space for.
Thought process:
“Even though I am a Ford guy, I am not big on the greenterior so I will likely take a trip down Park….good God, what is that interior colour, and how could it ever match red? The Marquis de Vert it is.”
God this is actually a hard one. On one hand, a Panther platform in a funky color. On the other, a perfect Trailer Park Boysmobile to slap fake Canadian plates on and LARP being a transplant with the rest of the insane transplants. “I am the monkey in charge of bananas” vs being The Avocado.
Dammit. Green Panther it is.
That green interior rules so hard. Make mine a Mercury!
Mercury is cheaper, appears to be in better condition, and is a most excellent shade of green inside and out. I’ll take it.
The only thing remarkable about these is that they survived. I’m old enough to remember these things. My Grandparents on both sides owned big Murican’ land yachts from this era and god were they biggest pieces of shit. I remember they would get oh… maybe 5-6 years out of them before they were basically scrap yard fodder.
I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t realize this about these older cars. I see people applying modern standards for what defines high mileage to them all the time. They might not have been around back then or were too young to remember that achieving 100,000 miles in your American car was considered an accomplishment. This is why a lot of old timers put such a high priority on reliability.
hard disagree. i’ve owned 3 square body panthers and aside from rust they are the most reliable platform.
I’ll take the avocado bathroom suite on wheels please.
I’d have to have the Merc(ury) just so I could hear people say “Wow! That car is MINT!!”
I am old enough to have seen these, new on the lot. Owned and drove big land yachts like them. Oh jebus they were horrible. I do love the green on green and the 302 has fantastic aftermarket. Yank all the emissions crap off it, put an aftermarket EFI kit on it, and drive it until it dies.
The Buick is tempting, if only because it kind of says “mob underboss” in hushed tones, but I’ll go with the green panther as well….with an asterisk. My grandmother had an ’81 LTD wagon with the same powertrain (dark red, color of medium rare steak – I called it “the meatwagon”). The achillies of this drivetrain was the variable venturi 2-bbl carb. Meatwagon didn’t have any problems with it over the years, but I heard about plenty of issues with others. I’m pretty sure you could probably swap it out with something else…but Ford also liked to make things like that more difficult than they should be in those days.
Your comment reminded me of the ’81 LTD sedan we had back in the day. It was blue with a blue interior and a blue vinyl top. To this day, my Dad STILL complains about the carb on that thing.
I’d probably swap out an aftermarket TBI fuel injection setup. And change literally nothing else.
Holy cow. Both are more than I would pay for something I’d need to get a home equity loan to fill up. With that said, the green on green is awesome. I’ll take the Mercury. The buick needs bordello red seats not mangy mouse.
You are right on the money on the interiors. The green is awesome on the Mercury, and as soon as I saw the brown in the Buick I longingly thought “If only it were red…”
See, I think $5 grand is a fair price for that Mercury in THAT good of condition. Especially if you actually offer $4 grand and meet in the middle.
I love Buicks, and I like that Buick, but between the lower price, the better condition, and the FABULOUS color combination, I’m crazy for that Mercury. It’s the clear winner for me.
Yeah, same on all counts.
Ever meet one of those old guys that still complains about cars having ecu’s even though they have for 40+ years now? They always say, “you gotta have a computer degree just to work on em!” These cars remind me of those guys.
I literally wrote about one of them in my comment about this. He stockpiled Grand Marquis of this era (he probably got them for $1k or less) with the intent of having to own nothing else until he died, largely because he didn’t want to work on any of those complicated computer cars. This was pre-OBD2 era and he was a guy who had rebuilt engines and stuff, so it wasn’t that he was mechanically challenged. Of course, the funny part was that he was always having to work on them. In fairness, they did all have really high miles, but his plan on stockpiling worked out more to be a source of spares both in terms of parts and in terms of whole cars to sub in for whichever ones were currently broken. He was a weird, miserable dude all around, though.
I know the type. Constantly complaining about everything; Makes a big deal out of the smallest, most irrelevant thing and calls that attention to detail; Can find a reason to hate anything.
And a racist, misogynist, homophobe, knew everything better than everyone else in spite of never having done much, and he was a minor league hoarder (had some actual cool cars and even engines, like old Hemis, that he left to rot out in the woods because he was going to “fix them up one day” and he knew what he had and nobody would give him enough for them). Somehow, he had made money when he was younger as he owned several properties and built his house (though never finished it) and owned a gun shop he barely worked at, but none of us knew how. I’d guess something elicit, but I couldn’t figure what besides maybe illegal gun stuff and I don’t think that was the case.
Cheaper, in WAAAAY better condition, and it has overdrive so it’s better on the highway?
Mercury. All day, every day, and twice on Sunday.
Plus, do you SEE those front seats on the Buick? I’m getting the heebie-jeebies just looking at them!
Yeah, that looks like mould imo. Might not be, but still. Yuk.
Auto manufacturers need to bring back green interiors.
Got a soft spot for green painted cars, plus a 2-door Panther? I’m all in.