Good morning! Welcome to another week of questionable automotive decisions. This week, we have a week-long theme, inspired by some of my recent movie viewing: we’re going to look at cars that would make the best rides for a post-apocalyptic wasteland. On Friday, we’ll have a four-way showdown of the winners, and determine the best cheap car for fleeing zombies, or riding to Valhalla all shiny and chrome.
Friday was all about ridiculous excess and unsuitability for the task of daily driving. And I have to say, I didn’t expect the enthusiastic response this one got. I was afraid of featuring such expensive vehicles, no matter how crazy and over-the-top they may be, but you all seemed to love both of them. And damn near equally: the vote is a virtual tie.
As always, I have to consider the circumstances, and where I live now, the roughest terrain around is my gravel driveway, so the Land Rover would be pointless. The Pantera, however, would be fun to open up on some of the straight-as-an-arrow country roads around here, so that’s my choice. Besides, I want to know what that crazy bundle-of-snakes exhaust sounds like.
Now then: I finally saw Furiosa not too long ago, and enjoyed it, though I now understand the complaints about the digital rather than practical effects. But the vehicles were cool, as always. And during a recent snowstorm, my wife and I binge-watched all of the Resident Evil movies – because what else are you gonna do? I had forgotten that the third film, Extinction, is essentially a road movie, with a whole convoy of armored-up vehicles traveling across the desert.
Being the incurable gearhead that I am, naturally I focus on the cars when I watch films. And as we all know, car-casting can make or break a movie. You’ve got a lot of leeway when it comes to post-apocalyptic films like these; folks would probably just be grabbing whatever ran and wasn’t blocked in by debris, so directors can use almost anything and have it be plausible. But the cars they choose aren’t always necessarily what I would choose. Which got me thinking: What if you had time to shop? What would you choose, for such a difficult world? That’s what we aim to find out this week. Here are our first two contenders.
1980 GMC 3500 Sierra – $4,000
Engine/drivetrain: 350 cubic inch overhead valve V8, four-speed manual, RWD
Location: West Linn, OR
Odometer reading: 73,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Four-door crew-cab pickups are the norm these days, but back when this truck was built, they were rare. Trucks hadn’t yet invaded the suburbs and displaced sedans and station wagons as family haulers, so the only real reason for a truck to have four doors and an extra row of seats was to haul extra workers to a job site – hence the term “crew cab.” GM’s crew cab was referred to as a “3+3,” indicating its seating capacity: three in the front, and three in the back. This 3+3 is a one-ton dually – what’s known as a “Big Dooley.”
Powering this monster is the tried-and-true Chevy 350 small-block, topped with a four-barrel Quadrajet carburetor. It’s nowhere near the ridiculous levels of power you can get in a truck these days, but it gets the job done, and it’ll run on any “guzzoline” you throw at it. Keep oil in the pan and water in the radiator, and it’ll be happy. It spins that big wide rear axle through a four-speed manual transmission, almost certainly my favorite cast-iron monster of a truck transmission, the Saginaw-Muncie SM465. It runs and drives well; the engine was replaced with a new crate long-block 5,000 miles ago.
The “Rounded Line” trucks (which, ironically, is what the “squarebody” generation of trucks is actually called) didn’t have the level of interior appointments you might expect to see in a modern truck. Flat, wide benches are the order of the day here, both front and rear, along with rubber floors and plenty of exposed painted steel. We only get a couple of tiny photos of the inside, but it looks like it’s in acceptable condition. I pity the person who has to ride in the center seat in front, however; that must be awkward, straddling the gearshift.
It’s a little rusty outside, but nothing terrible, and I don’t see any damage to speak of. The rear fenders in particular look to be in good shape, which is nice; they’re fiberglass, and since they stick out so far, they often fall victim to bollards in parking lots and drive-thrus. Either someone knew what they were doing maneuvering this one around, or they’ve been replaced. The steel ladder rack is a nice touch as well, and could serve as the basis for a lookout platform, or something.
1999 Chevrolet Express 2500 – $4,991
Engine/drivetrain: 4.3-liter overhead valve V6, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Portland, OR
Odometer reading: 137,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Here it is: the automotive equivalent of Methuselah. This van has been in production since 1996, and you can still walk into a Chevy dealership today and drive out in one. There have been a lot of incremental improvements over the years, of course, but the basic bones have remained the same. There has been no reason to change it, because it still does exactly what it’s supposed to do. That’s the thing about General Motors: it takes a lot of big swings and often misses, but when it gets one right, it knocks it out of the park, and keeps it in production forever.
This Express is a light-duty 3/4 ton model, powered by a 4.3 liter V6 engine and a good old 4L60-E automatic transmission. It’s nothing fancy, but you can rebuild it all out of parts found in any junkyard. I’ve seen these vans go for half a million miles, so this one is probably just getting started. Yeah, the V6 won’t exactly throw you back in your seat with its acceleration, especially if you have a load of stuff in it. But it also doesn’t guzzle fuel with the same gluttonous abandon that a V8 would. It’s for sale at a dealer, so we don’t get much information about its history. They do say it has a rebuilt title, but I doubt that matters when you’re trying to outrun a horde of zombies.
In typical cargo van fashion, it’s a blank canvas inside. It has a bulkhead between the two front seats and the rest of the interior, which could be a useful addition. There’s plenty of room to sleep, or install a kitchen, or turn it into a mobile workshop, or whatever you need.
I can see a panel van having certain advantages in certain situations. Fewer windows means fewer pieces of glass for undesirable types to look through or break. And it’s just crying out for some sort of big mural on the side, just in case you want to ride through the apocalypse in style. The chrome wheels and white-letter tires add a touch of cool as well.
Big burly trucks make a lot of sense in a situation where you just have to keep going no matter what. Simple pushrod engines and ox-cart suspensions can put up with a lot of abuse, and the body-on-frame design doesn’t rely on the body for structural integrity. So for the purposes of this thought experiment, they’re ideal. But which form makes the most sense to you – the crew-cab truck, or the big box on wheels?
Loving Land Rovers and Pantera despite being totally undependable is pretty much what we do here
I love squares, and it’s probably a smoking deal for the right person, but to me that’s the least desirable square. (Body-swapping that onto a GMT800 would be a cool project).
Besides showing up at cars and coffee and taking up 4 spots, the van is more useful to me.
As much as it pains me, as I absolutely love the rounded-line trucks, I’m going with the van. Back in the mid-90s I owned an ’81 K3500 3+3 long box with the 454 and TH400. As much as I loved that truck for truck things, it wasn’t fun to pilot around cities. My days of being willing to drive massive vehicles around without an actual need are gone, so while the van is not exactly small, it is more reasonably sized than that GMC.
Whichever has a hitch for the rack for my bicycle that is my actual daily post-apocalyptic transportation. I like the vans’s closed space, but it’d want to add a ram to protect the engine.
The van definitely, going by the folks who are currently living a post-apocalyptic life in the streets of My Fair City. Windows get smashed right away so cage them ASAP and install shackles on all the doors. In this context, the primary value of a vehicle is portable shelter and safe storage for all the stuff you might need.
You also have the room to store a motorcycle or dirt bike as a backup vehicle inside the van if the van breaks down and has to be abandoned.
When I first glanced at the photos, I was all set for my tagline to be “Not a fan of the van, gimme the Jimmy!”. Then I took more than the most cursory look and realized that I have no use whatsoever for anything as huge as that truck. Which doesn’t help much because I also have no use whatsoever for a van like that. But there probably is an alternate universe in which I would turn the van into some sort of camping vehicle whereas I don’t think there’s any alternative universe in which I could make reasonable use of the truck. So van it is.
Anyone picking the dooley is gonna wind up dead meat in a week. Look at how many zombies can climb into the bed and hang off the running boards. They’swarm all over that thing and be fighting each other for brain matter leftovers in seconds.
The van on the other hand, no running boards for the undead to stand on, no bed to hide in and jump out at you as you approach. Plus internal access to the engine allows you to wrench from within the locked interior. Shorter wheelbase will be far more manuverable and you won’t high-center on the first RR tracks you cross.
No contest. Come with me in the van if you want to live!
Plus the van is ripe for an LS swap and manual transmission from a Corvette.
Or better yet, a Duramax, increasing the variety of fuel sources available.
I would definitely go diesel for the apocalypse. That’s the biggest shortcoming of these two choices.
I can’t help but wonder if my presence haunting this site summoned the correct entities out of the ether to provoke these thoughts, but either way, I’m all for this.
And I’m taking the white GMC van for all of the creepy, terroristic, and/or and politically-incorrect connotations it confers to normies. It’s getting a vanity plate that says “RPE WGN”. If you have to ask why, the answer is “Fuck you! That’s why!”
If it’s after the apocalypse, I will care even less what other people think about my choice in conveyance and edgelord aesthetic proclivities than even today, and I currently drive an electric velomobile and often walk around dressed like Edward Scissorhands, just to let you know where I stand pre-apocalypse.
Geez. This is one of the reasons why so many people, especially women, don’t feel welcome in automotive communities, they see people being comfortable with making jokes about rape, so it’s small wonder many people choose not to participate in such communities including even the Autopian. Ugh.
Even though I know I’ll end up high-centering that Jimmy on the first big mound of corpses I have to cross, I’ll still take 3500. If you really want to feature a Chariot of Armageddon I can get excited about that would be a Holden One Tonner Cross 6 or a Holden One Tonner Crewman Cross 8. Those are Mad Maximum workhorses offering style and substance, plus AWD.
in this case I would likely go with Neither. I would want a diesel of some sort for the Zombie land. I feel like the Farm diesel in tanks in the air and large semi tanks most likely available and eaiser to siphon from along with Fry Grease in a pinch would make one infinitely more useful and likely might still function after 6-12 months of the fuel sitting around not being used. The other side of that is you would want a 4X4 minimally to get you over mounds of Bodies and off your hood.
IN the Max Land you would normally want speed and nether of these are particularly quick, though I suppose the Dually has more potential for upgrades.
How about a Hilux with a Duramax Heart? https://www.armoredcars.com/vehicles/preowned-2014-toyota-hilux/
That’s what bugs me the most about The Walking Dead. There is no way after 8 years of Zombie Apocalypse that there would be any good fuel to put in your Hyundai.
“And it’s just crying out for some sort of big mural on the side, just in case you want to ride through the apocalypse in style.”
Funny you should mention the film Furiosa as here’s a fun little fact about the 1975 Holden Sandman HJ panel van used by the Rockatansky family on their vacation in the film Mad Max: the Sandman has an air-brushed mural on only one side because the owner didn’t have time (or wherewithal) to do the other side before shooting started so they just filmed it showing only that side.
http://pics.imcdb.org/0is386/hj0057260by.7610.jpg
Look, if it’s the apocalypse, regardless of type, I’m for SURE bolting on big agricultural tires and MULTIPLE superchargers. You just can’t do that with the van.
Squarebody 4 lyfe!!
Someday all that will be left are cockroaches driving Geo Metros and Alligators wearing cowboy hats driving Squarebody Chebbies around, and there isn’t a damn thing you can do to change my mind of that.
So, Squarebody. I can’t tell you how bad I want to take a week and drive that thing back to Chicago from Oregon.
The truck is a truck but the van could be anything. It could even be a van!
It does depend a bit on the type of apocalypse – if it’s Mad Max world where people are killing each other over guzzoline, I want the least amount of fuel consumption I can get away with. Yeah, the roads aren’t great, but I’m also not hauling a boat around or whatever – give me a lifted Prius or that U-M solar car. In this case I’m going with the van even though the truck is cooler because it gets better mileage and I can sleep in it
It’s only Monday. We’ll get to some different choices.
You really expect me to NOT pick the Square body with a manual? Dually for daysss
The van is the obvious choice. Realistically, in a zombie, nuclear, or other apocalypse, access to basic necessities (food, water, medicine, and ammunition) will be your greatest challenge. You need a secure place to store these items when you find them, and the van provides ample locked storage space.
The bland styling is also a plus. It will effectively be camouflaged in the snow and ashes of a nuclear winter. Also, as zombie vision is based on movement (at least according to some research studies) a bland, plain white, slab-sided vehicle has a good chance of creeping away unnoticed. Why waste resources fighting when you could be stealthy?
Everyone else should buy the dually, though. I’m looking out for my survival, not yours.
The van seems more practical for the task at hand. Back to real life, I want that big stupid truck!
I like the dooley, but I’m biased to squarebodies. Needs a different engine though. A big block 454 or if you are feeling spend a ZZ632 crate would feel right but put the fuel milage in the low single digits. For that reason I’d also accept your choice of either a Cummins or Duramax diesel.
With this being a 2wd, I’d like to see the body dropped onto a DMax GMT800 chassis.
Dooley all day.
Replace the quadrajet with EFI, it’s a pretty easy install since I saw them do one on a TV show in less than a half hour, right? That 4 on the floor transmission will last an eternity if you keep it full of oil. And any body bits you really need to replace can be hammered out of spare galvanized duct work and pop-riveted in place. Ask me how I know… The Dooley wins this one for me.
Going “rare” vs. “raw” here.
Neither will be daily drivers….and if I need a van, I’ll rent one for the day.
Leaves me with “what would be interesting to clean up and flip ?”.
The dooly fits the bill.
I voted for the van.
Also, since the old truck had a replacement engine, that would’ve been a good time to swap in an LSX or something else better than the 350 😉
I’m adding a pass-through to the van and riding that to the end of times. Can sleep in the back comfortably with all my possessions and scourge parts from pretty much anywhere.
The 350 in the truck is going to be far more taxed than the 4.3 in the van. The SBCs of that era we fine engines but they did not make much power at all.
I would personally need to take the van since the truck is too big for any of the spots I can park.
Initially I felt irrational selecting the van, but you’re right: the fuel consumption, lack of real power, and the inability to comfortably park/wield/manoever it dropped substantially for a blank canvas that’ll continue to have ‘modern’ parts available for ages to come.
That truck looks badass, but I’d wager it tows worse than any modern half ton.