We Are In An AI-Caused Global Crisis Of Car Posters

I know there’s a lot of confusion and panic around artificial intelligence (AI) right now, and as a journalist, it is my job to add to that. Happily, I’m very able to do just that, thanks to something I noticed and was deeply alarmed by: there are now people selling car posters, posters of iconic cars, the sorts of things many of us had up in our rooms as kids, car posters that helped define and refine our own personal car tastes, objects of desire, motivational goals for the future, all of that – only these posters of cars are AI-generated. Which means, terrifyingly, that they are not accurate.

I know, I know, it’s fustigating terrifying. Just think about the implications here! You buy one of these posters and give it to a child – a child! And they grow up thinking that a Honda CRX had a front end that resembled a Rover SD1.

You think I’m exaggerating? Do you? Look at this:

…and for reference here’s a Rover SD1:

See what I mean? Here’s an actual, real-world CRX, for reference:

The AI looks sorta like a CRX, but it’s very much not a CRX. Any detail you may pick – roofline, door handles, front facia, headlights, bumpers, everything – is just different enough. And the details are what make a car, especially a car that only exists on a car poster. Some poor child will stare at this, believing that’s what a CRX looks like, and will be devastated when they finally see one for real.

Here’s another:

This one is a bit more egregious: I’m pretty sure Rolls-Royce Silver Shadows don’t have that bonkers asymmetrical front indicator arrangement, and I’m pretty sure Rolls-Royce quality means they can get the damn bumper guards on straight.

They’re all like this! Some are even more fanciful and bonkers, with even fewer ties to reality, like this poster of what some delusional lump of silicon thinks a Subaru Brat looks like:

The fuck is that? That’s not what a Subaru Brat looks like! I mean, I don’t hate it; it sort of resembles what a Brat would look like if it was designed by Zagato. Just compare it to this picture of a Zagato-designed Bristol:

Seriously, the poster looks more like that than an actual 1978 Subaru Brat, as it claims. This travesty could rot the brain of some innocent child!

Here’s another:

Imagine the sad, deluded child that would grow up thinking a ’78 Seville has six headlights.

This Datsun Z car is just like a weird cartoonified version. Maybe it’d be okay for a toddler, but in a car-curious child’s room? That’s borderline abuse.

And someone explain to me what the hell is going on with these wheels?

Are those mollusks nesting in there? Starfish? What the hell is that? This is a crime.

Look! A DeLorean! One of the most famous poster cars! And while this one is clearly recognizable, it’s still AI crap, and there is simply no reason to subject anyone to this when they can have pictures of actual DeLoreans so readily! We need to take a stand!

Look at this abomination! What’s with the double door handles on the rear door? The wrong curves and window shapes and that mangled grille, those lights that look like chromed gnomes’ caps, how can they ask $40 for this mess?

That’s not a Renault 4! And what the hell are those shapes on the doors? Is anyone buying these?

Another icon, brutally misrendered by a foolish computer who has never seen a Jeep and will never see a Jeep. Because it’s not real, it doesn’t understand what matters! It doesn’t know how important details are to us car geeks!

This is a Porsche 928 as described over a bad phone connection by someone who can’t find their glasses looking at one through a filthy window, in the rain. And they’re drunk. And stupid.

I saved this one for last, because I think it may be the worst. And I wanted to include the price, so you could get really livid. They’re calling this a Saab. What. The. Fuck.

This isn’t a Saab. This isn’t anything that exists in reality. This is a monstrosity. The grille doesn’t even make sense physically. It’s a tragedy.

This should be illegal. Shitty AI car art on the internet is bad enough, but immortalized in print, hanging on a wall, where anyone can see it – that’s just too damn far.

Think of the children! Children! Growing up with one of these over their bed, thinking a Corvette has 2 3/4 headlights and a grille that looks like a row of shrimp silhouettes and half a fin on one side – it’s a horrific, terrifying thought.

We need to put a stop to this madness, pronto. I’m calling the police. Can I do it from here? Police? Is this thing working? I want to report a car-crime against CHILDREN.

Yes, I’ll hold.

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