We Asked A NASCAR Driver To Slide The Alpina XB7 In The Snow For Science And LOLs

Whenever I attend a fancy black-tie wedding, I always think of the scene from Downton Abbey when the Dowager Countess, evaluating the lavishness of their dinner setting, says “Nothing succeeds like excess,” an abbreviated quote from Oscar Wilde.

This has always struck me as a fitting description for Alpina vehicles. They are BMWs with everything turned to 11. This is clearly evident in the latest example, the 2024 Alpina XB7. It’s a $150,000, 631 horsepower, 6,000 lb, 7-seat SUV that will go 0-60 in 3.9 seconds. Basically, like an elephant in a black tie that runs as fast as a cheetah.

Funny enough, in researching the XB7, I discovered that Alpina says the inspiration for their brand came from another Oscar Wilde quote: “I’m a man of simple tastes. I’m always satisfied with the best.” Which makes sense if your definition of the best is simply having the most.

If there’s no such thing to you as too much dessert, booze, or good times, you should probably be on the Alpina team. Their creations have always been beautifully unhinged.

So, when Matt Hardigree called me up and said, “I’ve got an XB7, I hear there is snow in Lime Rock Park (LRP), can we go drift around with it up there?” I leaped into action – which is to say, I sent an email. As a minority owner in LRP (I own the equivalent of a blade of grass), I have a bit of pull and LRP was gracious enough to let us use the FCP Euro Autocross course to answer some important questions about this latest Alpina. We also used the proceedings to make a crude video on my YouTube channel, which you can view right here:

I didn’t drive the Alpina on the street, but I quickly gathered some findings on the autocross course. Let’s start with the Alpina’s speed: it’s what the hell-is-this-thing fast. The sheer rate at which it moves its hefty mass is absolutely wild. Even in slushy conditions, all four tires grab into the earth beneath more like claws than tires.

To cope with this immense speed, the Alpina engineers tuned the suspension for greater agility. They tuned it well, as I often forgot the XB7’s curb weight puts it more in line with an oil tanker than a sports car.

Although the heft is apparent when you pitch the big SUV into a slide (which I did, many many times), The Alpina’s setup is incredibly impressive in terms of tackling a racetrack aiming for a fast lap time. Looking at the specs, I was expecting huge power but with a sluggish, floppy, driving-aids-taking-over feel. But I was so wrong …

On the outside, Alpina has applied its signature wheel design and other little tweaks here and there, including new badging, Alpina-style air intakes in front, a modified light design, and four oval tailpipes. The interior is where the biggest change is from a normal X7, with Switch-Tronic shifting buttons on the steering wheel replacing the standard model’s paddle shifters.

I must note this is Alpina’s thing, because they’re more for bombing down the Autobahn and for less tight and twisty autocross tracks. However, shifting via two small, easy-to-miss buttons is well … not good. I know this is the case because no car has ever lined up on the F1 grid with tiny shifting buttons that require incredible precision to hit correctly. No, they have paddles that are so easy a seal could shift them with its flippers.

Nonetheless, it does add to the Alpina feel of “This is how we do it.” As a fiercely independent individual, I can appreciate this.

So here comes the most crucial question: Why do these cars even exist and, more importantly, who buys them? Who has ever looked at a top-of-the-line BMW 7 series and thought, “You know, I wish there was just more.”

More power, more wheels, more, more, more. Turns out there has been a whole market of these people. And I even know one. After I posted a picture of this car, I got a text from a friend. His family was in hedge funds, as was his wife’s family, and they both work in finance. He said, “What did you think of the XB7? I’m thinking of getting one.”

I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.

As you will see in the video, I truly enjoyed my short time in the Alpina XB7 and was impressed by its ability to do something no one will ever ask of it. Most of all, it’s excessive beyond belief. I don’t entirely get it, but that’s why it succeeds, and why I loved it.

Matt’s Take

When someone says they have access to a race track in winter, the best move is to find a car on winter tires as fast as possible. In this case, I had an XB7 coming and, in the midst of a snow drought, it mercifully snowed a little up at LRP.

It made for the fun we had above, which included racing Paker’s girlfriend’s Alfa Romeo Stelvio for some reason? I’m not entirely sure why, but I’m always down with racing just about everything.

While Parker and I both drove this around the autocross course (Parker much more deftly than I could), I got to drive it on the street.

I already think the regular BMW X7 is the best luxury three-row SUV you can buy in just about any trim. Obviously, the Alpina is the top of the mountain, but an X7 M60i is totally fine for full mortals, as is the xDrive40i.

You can’t go wrong with any of them, but if $150k isn’t a lot of money for you you can’t do better than the Alpina. I’m not sure there’s a more expensive SUV I’d rather have, including the Benteyga and Rolls-Royce Cullinan.

It’s as fast as any big SUV should ever be, covering the gallop to 60 MPH in under 4 seconds. It’s as solidly built as a bank truck, as confidence-inspiring as a sawed-off shotgun, and Midcentury Modern boutique hotel nice on the inside. It’s also a lot stealthier than a Roller, albeit that works better if you grab it in Alpine White or Black Sapphire Metallic.

My week with it was spent shuffling groceries and kiddos, including a trip to the aquarium with my daughter’s friend in tow. Everyone was comfortable and no one complained.

Perhaps it’s out of discontent with my current ride, or out of a newfound respect for BMW now that I’m a BMW owner, but there’s basically nothing it doesn’t do well. It even has the little fold-down half gate you get in the Rolls-Royce, albeit without the cool seats.

I know $150,000 is a lot of money, but I can’t think of anything else new off the top of my head that does as much, as expertly or stylishly, and seats seven. That’s value, even if it’s only for a tiny percentage of the population.