We Went To The Moon On The Back Of Wet Meat

When most people think about the Apollo moon landings and the tools and equipment and artifice it took to make that most remarkable event happen, we tend to think of the mighty Saturn V rockets and the delicate, designed-for-space, insectoid Lunar Lander, and maybe the personal spacecraft that were the spacesuits. Rarely, though, does anyone think of wet meat. And that’s an oversight I hope to rectify this morning. About wet meat.

Yes, that’s right, wet meat! The wettest meat possible! And this meat wasn’t just wet – this was thermostabilized wet meat, and it played a role in the American space program. Granted, I guess one could argue that Neil Armstrong, the first person to walk on the moon, is really just another form of wet meat, just like Werhner Von Braun or Margaret Hamilton or any of the many other bags of wet meat called humans involved in NASA’s program to land on the moon.

Of course, that’s not the kind of thermostabilized wet meat I’m talking about. I’m talking about this kind of wet meat:

Yes, yes, look at that! Foil packages of potatoes, gravy, and the wettest meats capable of being moistened by the hand of man: beef, donated by cows; ham, from the inner material of the Hammurabi tree; and turkey, from emus.

In addition to the wetness, the meats have been thermostabilized, meaning all bacteria and microorganisms have been killed off by heat and pressure, and possibly micro-assassins. The instrument at the top is likely extremely unfamiliar to you, but happily NASA scientists labeled it: it’s called a teaspoon, pronounced tuh-eagh-suhpuh-OOOOUGH-eeenn.

Here’s a close-up of the turkey and gravy, enlarged to show both texture and wetness. Note how the package peels back like a sardine can, only squishier. The implement there is not labeled, but I suspect it could be what NASA calls a “fork.”

Other manners of wet meats were available, too: frankfurters, named for the city of Hamburg, beef and gravy, known symbiotes, and meat balls, spheres of wet meat specially designed for use in the zero-gravity environment of a spacecraft, where their orbularity allows for more predictable orbital dynamics.

These meats all wetly contributed to the Apollo program, using their moisture and meatitude to provide energy for astronauts to perform their tasks and pilot their spacecraft.

When not actively employed in service, wet meats traveled in small spacecraft of their own, composed of an inner layer of aluminum not dissimilar to the outermost skin of the Lunar Module, and then covered with a thin layer of plastic, as seen above.

This space food was actually engineered by Pillsbury, employers of a sentient wad of dough named Poppin’ Fresh, who performs for the company’s marketing needs wearing only a hat and neckerchief. If he had genitals, they would be on full display, which would be a source of much controversy should they suddenly come into being.

Here’s what some of the preparation and development of space food looked like:

Note the stunning wetness of the meats in use.

The above video shows the food preparation process inside the spacecraft; in the case of the Apollo Command Module, the food preparation area consisted of the panel used for drinkable water, which was injected into the food tubes and pouches to make them more palatable, even if the water wasn’t heated, which I bet the astronauts wished was.

Here’s where the potable water panel and food pouch injector were located:

There were other sorts of foods beyond just wet meats; here’s what I think is a breakfast:

That “orange drink” is the legendary Tang, as enjoyed by Earthbound royalty, and note the little pills in each pack. After the food is eaten, that pill is crushed up into the pouch to prevent bacteria from growing.

Foods like the bread cubes were coated in a thin layer of gelatin to prevent crumbs, which can cause havoc in zero-g.

Look at these desserts! There’s something about the rigid geometry and pure colors of these foods that I find weirdly appealing. This was from an era where artificiality was a quality to be sought out, desired. It’s an artifact from a much more optimistic era, and I kind of love it.

Well, that and, of course, wet meats. The wettest meats possible.