I’m not necessarily a fan of torture. I don’t wish for people to stick needles under the fingernails of my enemies, but I have no problem at least inconveniencing them. Putting them into an unpleasant, frustrating environment for a spell would certainly do me good. I’d gladly set them up in a terrible room on the first floor of a hotel in Fort Lauderdale during spring break with a bunch of college students upstairs and an antenna TV that only gets grainy Home Shopping Network. Or, really, anywhere in Fort Lauderdale during spring break.
For me, though, doing semi-torture with motor vehicles is a far more satisfying way to gain vengeance on my adversaries. No, I’m not talking about running them down Maximum Overdrive style; I’m referring to forcing them to drive a car that is pure displeasure.
What would I select for this task? That’s a tough one since there are so many wonderful terrible options out there, but I’m having a hard time finding a better choice than a Chevrolet Chevette Diesel.
The Chevette was already old tech in 1976 when it was released into a world that had things like the VW Rabbit/Golf and Renault 5/Le Car. Those front-wheel-drive subcompacts offered space utilization and driving fun that the rear-drive, live-axle Chevette could only dream of. The little Chevy could have been introduced in the mid to late sixties and it still wouldn’t have been innovative, amusing to operate, or satisfying to own. By the end of the seventies, it was hopelessly dated.
To make this depressing little box more fuel efficient, GM engineers decided to go the route of most companies in the early eighties: they added a diesel engine. It beggars’ belief that one could make a Chevette even less enjoyable to drive, but Chevy found a way. Oddly enough, you could have purchased one of these Shove-Its with a three-speed automatic hooked up to the back of a 51-horsepower oil-burning lump.
Imagine driving a diesel Chevette to a destination a few states away. You know, get on the freeway entrance ramp, floor the gas and BLUHHHHH-BLUHHHH-BLUHHHHHHHHH … then enjoy a never-ending third-gear drone at 54MPH for hours and hours.
To add insult to injury, the car I’d give to my nemesis would be in one of those basically colorless shades that GM had, like a silver/beige with some exotic name such as Antelope Firemist, similar to that four- door below.
To ensure maximum pain, no air conditioning would be specified in this ‘Vette – but it’s not like the car could move under its own power when the A/C compressor kicked in anyway. I’m not totally devoid of heart, so I’d check off the AM radio on the options list so this person I hate can at least listen to talk radio or the same news over and over again, barely audible through the single dash top speaker that is steadily tearing its shitty paper cone as it struggles to out-yell the drone of that godawful motor.
A diesel Chevette truly is a soul-sucking device. Just look at this cabin. At least this one has a glove box door, unlike the bare-bones Scooter model. As always, I love the giant “tachometer-style” gas gauge.
The worst part? The Isuzu diesel under the hood is actually a rather indestructible piece, so your Chevette is built to deliver relentless torture for a long, long time. And with its fuel economy rating of 60 miles per gallon, it’ll be a long stint in the saddle between opportunities to enjoy the sweet relief of standing next to a grimy diesel pump.
How about you? Is there a car that you hate (and possibly even owned) that you’d happily force someone you despise to drive eternally? Let us know!
A 2nd generation, 2015 or so Lincoln MKX. I have to drive one of these about six times a year because of relatives. 1) Ride is abysmal. I mean, it rides like the rear shocks are frozen. Took it to the dealer, they checked it out, said it’s all good. For comparison, I drove a Jeep YJ on the streets of LA for years without complaint. 2) Ergonomics. The transmission selector is a series of large buttons running vertically down the left side of the infotainment stack. You can’t do it by feel. So to go from reverse to forward when you’re pulling out of a parking spot, you have to stop, find the button, press it. Now you’re allowed to change direction. 3) Ugly, slow, bad gas mileage.
My mom told me she had a used chevette as her first car in 87. It was rusted so bad it had holes in the floor and she could see the road as she drove. She had it for a year before someone stole the wheels and radio and left it on cinder blocks in Jersey.
My mom said had one around the same time that couldn’t climb steep hills, especially if the engine was cold. As in one winter day it just came to a stop on a hill.
Any car not built with the must-have Jatco Xtronic CVT. What a miserable driving experience, having to deal with shifting gears, needlessly reduced fuel economy, and knowing you’re not getting the best power out of your engine as you could be. Worst of all, you won’t be able to rely on the lifetime CVT fluid to make repairs as easy as doing nothing!
The 1988 Eagle Premier ES with the insane electrical system that we owned and tried to lemon-law. And failed because all the cars problems were my “imagination”. Including the multiple times the batteries went dead, the dash went dark and the lights all went out on the interstate. At night. If I could find one now I’d buy it and torch it!