Car names are hard, man. All the really great ones have long since been taken, and plenty of just-OK names are already on trunk lids too. There are also lots of not-great car names out there, but no one’s trying to come up with fresh bad-name ideas as near as I can tell.
Whether they’re amazing appellations or moniker misfires, it’s also common for names to land on what seems like the wrong car. With that in mind, let’s play a little game. Close your eyes (when you get to the end of the sentence, I mean) and imagine a car named Amazon.
It’s a pretty good name, very evocative. And what did it evoke for you? Did you imagine a rugged off-roader that might follow the banks of the mighty South American river? Or perhaps a muscular, agile, feminine machine of the sporting variety? Maybe your mind conjured a Rivian van in Bezos spec, in which case, well, you’re not wrong. But I bet you didn’t come up with anything quite like a Volvo Amazon:
Sorry Volvo, that’s not remotely Amazonian. It looks more, I dunno, a Volvo Sensible. The Volvo Steady.
Jason suggested Crown Victoria as an all-wrong choice for the iconic body-on-frame Panther platformer, and I must concur. Whether we’re talking the LTD’s Crown Victoria trim level (as seen below, resplendent in Gloss Band-Aid) or the standalone Crown Vic offered from 1992 to 2012, there’s nothing here to suggest the fur-collared velvet capes, gold scepters, and jeweled headgear that absolutely any reasonable person would imagine upon hearing the words Crown Victoria.
It’s hard to separate the Crown Vic from its cop-car fame/infamy, so I want to call it the Ford Authority or Lawman or Captain.
In a similar vein, would any celebrity be caught dead in a Chevy Celebrity? Here’s another bogus bowtie name: Chevy Citation (above). I suppose the idea here was “citation as in a formal statement of achievement,” but who doesn’t instead think of “citation as in a cop giving you a ticket?” It’s always the latter. No one’s looking at a Chevy Citation and thinking, “What an achievement, congrats on the new Citation.”
Your turn: What Cars Are Named All Wrong, And What Should They Be Called Instead?
Top graphic image: Bring A Trailer
The (Merkur) XR4Ti is all wrong. Then again, the Ford car bearing that name was poorly marketed and overlapped way too much with the contemporary Mustang. Perhaps it never had a chance. But the name certainly didn’t help.
What could they have named it? Scorpio. It’s the name they wound up using eventually, but much too late, and for much too boring a car. Or Cortina, perhaps? The Taunus name was also available. It might sound too much like Taurus. But I doubt that would have bothered the execs that decided to sell Merkurs at Mercury dealerships, while pretending the brands were distinct and unconfusable.
The Scorpio was the larger luxury Merkur. The XR4Ti was called the Sierra in Europe,
that might have worked, nothing would have workedMy point was that the Scorpio name, with its imagery of a small creature with a distinct tail, might have worked for the small car with (two) distinct tails. Or grab one of their other European names. Or make up something new.
But Merkur sounds like a lazy translation of Mercury (which is pretty close to the truth). And XR4i (without the ‘T’) was a trim package on the Sierra. As a trim package, it’s an awkward mouthful. As a model name, it’s complete rubbish.
I understand why they couldn’t bring the Sierra name to the US market. But they surely could have done better than XR4Ti. It’s unpronounceable, difficult to spell, and conveys no meaning (so it doesn’t really distinguish the model in any good ways).
Sticking with Ford’s astrology thing, Gemini would have made a good name, and at the time, it would have also had space program connotations for buyers.
Isuzu already used the Gemini name.
Damn!
“XR” was Ford’s sporty model name in Europe, with the number going up the bigger the car. Fiesta XR2, Escort XR3, Sierra XR4. In the southern hemisphere there were also XR6 and XR8s, reflecting the number of cylinders.
In the case of the XR4Ti, it has four cylinders, turbo, and fuel injection, so there is at least a modicum of meaning.
The XR4Ti was a sporty trim level for the Sierra. It wasn’t its own model. Similarly the XR3I was an Escort trim level.
And the XR2i was a lary Fiesta
Except no “T” in Europe, because it had the naturally aspirated 2.8-liter Cologne V6. There was also a 4WD model (with significant rearward bias) called the XR4x4.
That is true, thanks for the correction!
The XR4Ti was actually the Ford Sierra in the EU… but they couldn’t use that name because of the GMC Sierra name being used. So Ford, lacking imagination, made one of the trim levels in the EU the model name in North America.
Also, the whole point of Merkur was to give Ford a fake European luxury brand after failing to acquire either BMW or Rover, a random jumble of letters and numbers instead of a proper name made it sound even more Euro
Mercedes used alphanumerics, but their pattern was easily understood and based on displacement.
230 = 2.3L Gas engine.
300D = 3.0L Diesel engine.
Easy enough to figure out, and you can instinctively tell that a 300D has more engine than a 230 (though not more power!).
BMW’s alphanumerics are a bit less obvious, but there’s still a pattern with a clear meaning.
Merkur XR4Ti is different. Neither the brand nor the alphanumeric jumble means anything to most people. It sounds like a half-hearted imitation rather than a serious attempt at creating a new brand.
” It sounds like a half-hearted imitation rather than a serious attempt at creating a new brand.”
You mean like taking a brand you already have and just translating it into German? The whole Merkur idea was half assed and quickly forgotten, then they bought Jaguar
Exactly!
Would have saved them a bunch of headache to simply do that in the first place…
Well, Jaguar wasn’t public until 1984, and Ford didn’t go after them until after approaches for BMW and Rover both failed, and Merkur was launched during all of that. The startup costs were minimal, I think it was only ever intended as a temporary stopgap until an actual import luxury brand could be acquired, and maybe they would have made more serious investment in it going forward in the event all possible acquisitions were completely blocked off
Subaru has inconsistently used several nameplates (There’s significant overlap between “Legacy,” “Outback,” “Outback Sport,” and “Impreza” models of certain years)
But “Legacy” itself is a misnomer. Wikipedia summarizes thusly:
That’s basically the opposite of what the word means. Kinda like when Chevy used the “Nova” (“new”) name for a rebadged old Corolla.
Subarus look like they were all made from the same bits, but none of them were put together correctly.
Hahaha!
You’re not wrong. Subaru models share a LOT of bits.
The Toyota Paseo is just as bad a name as the Chevy Nova to Spanish speakers.
Ford Aspire (“hope” would have been better)
Pontiac Aztek (even misspelling Aztec is still a grave insult to an ancient culture)
That’s just the A’s. There’s a whole alphabet of cars I’m sure.
I always thought the Dodge Nitro was such a waste of a nameplate that would’ve worked so well on a Dodge-produced Miata competitor or something. The actual Nitro didn’t even deserve to have a name. Just give it a series of letters and numbers like a printer.
bZ4X —> Camry
Not Rav 5? bZ4X is stupid, but fits Toyota’s weird capitalization fetish
You never saw the bordello red velour interior in my grandparents’ old Crown Vic then.
Also, as a twofer, the Chevrolet Sprint (Marathon would be more fitting) and Suzuki Swift. At least their badgemates Metro and Firefly were a little more befitting small, brightly coloured city cars.
Nobody’s mentioned the “Mustang” Mach E yet? Fine, I’ll do it. They should have named it basically anything else from their long history of car names.
Also the Bees Forks. It reminds me of neither bees nor forks, although they could potentially fix that by selling it in yellow with black lightning bolt stripes.
I still say “Model E” was right there. Could have run commercials about how Ford revolutionized cars with the Model T and Model A….and now here is the Model E for the EV age.
Model E is the name of Ford’s entire EV division.
I still think they missed out on resurrecting the “Futura” name for that one. Ford Futura. Makes sense and doesn’t piss off all the Mustang people, or most people, in general.
Pontiac sold a crapcan Daewoo and revived the LeMans name for it. Because Daewoo won so many races at LeMans. /s
Not like Pontiac had a big LeMans presence either, but way more likely to see an Opel Kadett there.
I don’t know, anecdotal evidence and all that, but I knew a few women in college that drove those Volvos, a few year’s later when I discovered the Restoring English Rust Buckets magazines at NYC imported magazine shops (because the cars aren’t called Amazons in the USA), I thought well of course they are called Amazons, how fitting.
“Have you any idea how it feels to be a fembot living in a manbot’s manputer’s world?!”
Ford drive-thru
My dad learned to wear a belt because he broke the windshield with his head as his Ford drive-thru parked somewhere around the firewall of the people who hit him.
Car was fine.
What model was that?
Metal bumper crown vic as seen in the article.
Dodge Rampage: FWD K-car Pick-em-up doesn’t fit.
Dodge Mule? A-OK.
I’ve always thought Burro would have been a fantastic name for a workhorse small pickup.
You are just naming a nice, small, little workhorse FWD pickup…that when equipped with a turbo becomes a frightening little horse that decided to snap a neck of a coyote during the night out loud and go “Oh yeah…those critters do that.”
Volkswagen Golf. That name doesn’t fit the car or demographic – should be named after something fuzzy and cute, preferably with long ears….The Volkswagen Beagle!
Perhaps Golf Cart or Golf Ball would have been more fitting.
The Volkswagen name itself is what’s wrong- it should be Mechanikerwagen
Umm…umm…the US-spec Golf used to be named after something fuzzy, cute, and long-eared!
VW Rabbit, anyone?
….that’s the joke
Polestar as a brand. So many friends called it Polaris or Pornstar
My cohort calls them Polecats.
Polaris is a synonym…so…
Ford Ecosport.
Maybe some of the Eco, but no sport.
Second nomination: The Jeep Wrangler Unlimited 20th Anniversary Limited.
….that’s pretty bad, but not as bad as the Jeep Comanche Eliminator.
That’s uncomfortably on the nose.
What really poured gasoline on things and lit it on fire was that the Echo-sport had an eeeco-boost engine. I can just see angry Ford execs getting all red faced “No damnit, two completely different things! JUST SAY IT LIKE I TOLD YOU!!”
not a car but today’s BMW M-packages should have been called “Nouveau riche” trim
Ford Probe. What a stupid name, especially in a time period where it was wide open for extra-terrestrial jokes. Ford Photon or something like that would have been much better. I can only imagine that the people who named it Probe put it out as a joke and an exec liked it enough that they just kept their mouth shut.
Right! “Not Mustang” would’ve been a better name.
If anyone mentions a Ford Probe, my wife CANNOT resist joking that it must have been named by a man. I dunno about that, but I agree it’s a dumb name fer sure..
I believe the only Ford named by a woman was the Thunderbird.
my friends and I being male teenagers turned every Ford Model name into something pornographic in the 90s/00s, pretty easy with so many things starting with Ex and the probe didnt even need to be altered.
“…turned every Ford Model name into something pornographic …and the probe didnt even need to be altered.”
Neither, I suppose, did “Escort”
Every “LTD” or “Limited” that isn’t produced in very small production is misnamed.
Every Subaru WRX with a CVT is misnamed.
Any “GT” with more than a couple doors and a hatchback is misnamed.
No, no, you misunderstand. “LTD” stands for “livin’ the dream”.
Well, for that matter….
The Plymouth VIP was clearly misnamed, as any VIP wasn’t driving a Plymouth.
The Chevrolet Caprice was misnamed, unless the owner was constantly changing their mind or mood.
I don’t know anyone of royalty who was driving an Oldsmobile (Delta 88) Royale
I really want to know what the 442 stood for on the derivative of the Olds Cutlass Calais with the Iron Duke/Tech-4 engine
Did anyone take a LeMans, Bonneville or Grand Prix racing?
Oh – and pretty much any Mercedes-Benz or BMW built with numbers on the badge greater than the displacement of the engine under the hood…
“In the Calais application, the designation translated to four cylinders, four valves per cylinder and two camshafts.” – wikipedia
Oooooooh – That’s Performance!
If the 2 stood for twin turbos then it would have fit in with today’s trends.
Back then there were many guesses, including “four hubcaps, four defects from the factory and two wheel drive”.
Only four defects? What a deal!
There’s a number of theories on what “LTD” stands for, though even if you take it to mean “Limited” it was originally a top-of-the-line trim that was limited to buyers of a certain budget.
Pontiac Fiero- not fiery, call it the Penguin.
Chrysler Fifth Avenue/Buick Park Avenue- no one who lives on those avenues drives one of these.
Infiniti- Nope, not even close. You’ll be lucky to get 200,000 miles.
Tesla- how fast is the old Serbian spinning in his grave? Really fast.
Smart- sorry Mercedes Streeter, but they’re not really.
Fiero was originally named Pegasus. A fitting name for a car with a pair of gull-wing doors and lots of horsepower (of which the Fiero had neither).
Call the Fiero the “Pontiac Chassis Donor”
Cadillac cars should have names (that don’t end in iq).
German luxury cars should have model numbers corresponding to actual engine displacement, not an idealized version.
Mercedes got much better than they used to be.
And then it got worse with the electric models all overlapping ‘names’ again, and the numbers are as meaningful as on ‘who’s line is it anyway’?
Edsel really whiffed by not using the Utopian Turtletop name.
I would like to nominate any car that had an actual name and was later changed to an alpha-bits mixture of letter and numbers.
I got to drive an Alfabitz!
DeVille begat DTS
Seville begat STS
Catera begat CTS
The Acura Legend (awesome name) became the Acura 3.5RL (lousy name).
I hope they still have the copyright on it, and bring it back.
Maybe they can drop Afeela (which is as awful as bZ4X) and call it, say, the Sony Legend instead, as long as it turns out to actually be legendary.
The gold/ beige Toyota Camrys sold by the millions in the 90-00’s should just be called “car” as they are were so ubiquitous as to be invisible.
And it’s not like Toyota hadn’t done something similar. How long was the Toyota pickup just called Pickup (in the US, at least)?
I had forgotten that and I even owned a 1982 Toyota Pickup.
Was it beige/gold?
grey over rust.
A victoria is essentially a phaeton with the coachman’s seat mounted at the front instead of the rear, so the Crown Victoria is yet another model named after a style of horsedrawn carriage (eg, Landau, Phaeton, Town Car, Sedan DeVille, Brougham, etc).
Ford initially used the Victoria name on 2-door hardtops, then changed it to Crown Victoria in the mid ’50s when they added polished trim across the center of the roof to visually separate the front and back seats, creating some resemblance to a tiara.
The only connection is that victorias were considered a somewhat lighter and sportier type of carriage, and hardtops were often regarded as the sportiest body style within a model range
Cadillac Eldorado Cabriolet – which was an Eldorado with a half-vinyl roof.
Or the Monte Carlo Landau – which was a Monte Carlo with a half-vinyl roof.
Neither of those things are what they were called.
My shop teacher drove a 50s crown Victoria with the plexiglass roof. I think it was pink and black.
The Mitsubishi Carisma, a car so devoid of any character or charm it might as well just’ve been a black hole, only beige.
See, but now I’m thinking “Mitsubishi Beige” would actually be a half-decent car name. It’s just that it limits the paint options, but you can spin that to management as a cost-cutting feature.
“You can have it in any colour you want, as long as it’s beeeeeeige”