Car names are hard, man. All the really great ones have long since been taken, and plenty of just-OK names are already on trunk lids too. There are also lots of not-great car names out there, but no one’s trying to come up with fresh bad-name ideas as near as I can tell.
Whether they’re amazing appellations or moniker misfires, it’s also common for names to land on what seems like the wrong car. With that in mind, let’s play a little game. Close your eyes (when you get to the end of the sentence, I mean) and imagine a car named Amazon.
It’s a pretty good name, very evocative. And what did it evoke for you? Did you imagine a rugged off-roader that might follow the banks of the mighty South American river? Or perhaps a muscular, agile, feminine machine of the sporting variety? Maybe your mind conjured a Rivian van in Bezos spec, in which case, well, you’re not wrong. But I bet you didn’t come up with anything quite like a Volvo Amazon:
Sorry Volvo, that’s not remotely Amazonian. It looks more, I dunno, a Volvo Sensible. The Volvo Steady.
Jason suggested Crown Victoria as an all-wrong choice for the iconic body-on-frame Panther platformer, and I must concur. Whether we’re talking the LTD’s Crown Victoria trim level (as seen below, resplendent in Gloss Band-Aid) or the standalone Crown Vic offered from 1992 to 2012, there’s nothing here to suggest the fur-collared velvet capes, gold scepters, and jeweled headgear that absolutely any reasonable person would imagine upon hearing the words Crown Victoria.
It’s hard to separate the Crown Vic from its cop-car fame/infamy, so I want to call it the Ford Authority or Lawman or Captain.
In a similar vein, would any celebrity be caught dead in a Chevy Celebrity? Here’s another bogus bowtie name: Chevy Citation (above). I suppose the idea here was “citation as in a formal statement of achievement,” but who doesn’t instead think of “citation as in a cop giving you a ticket?” It’s always the latter. No one’s looking at a Chevy Citation and thinking, “What an achievement, congrats on the new Citation.”
Your turn: What Cars Are Named All Wrong, And What Should They Be Called Instead?
Top graphic image: Bring A Trailer
A naming thing that probably tickles only me: vehicles named after places should be driven only in those places. Or everywhere except those places.
“Gloss Band-Aid” reminded me of all those Fox Body Mustangs that came in “Ford Racing Beige.”
Bad car names and unreadable fonts. Signs of the impending apocalypse….
The LTD was the complete opposite of a limited run.
True, but as a luxury vehicle, it was severely limited.
Any car made by the big 3 during the malaise era could have been called the
Ford Blah
Chevy Meh
Dodge Pffft
or thereabouts
Throwback time. Studebaker Dictator. This was their lowest price model. That one should have been the Studebaker Legislator, then we have the Commander, then President
In 1957, showing a desire to be more sensitive and not offend other cultures, Studebaker changed the name of their lowest-price model to the “Scotsman.”
*cracks knuckles*
….okay, probably won’t be as big a monologue as I’m envisioning. Still.
So, my broad thing is, no alphanumeric codes for car names. I’m talking to you, Lexus, BMW, Mercedes, Infiniti, Mazda, Acura, Genesis, probably others. Really hard to remember.
The only exception I’ll allow is stuff like pickups and heavy-duty trucks. F-150 –> F-250 –> F-350, etc.? Yeah, F for Ford (redundancy aside) and an understandable number that escalates as a rough display of “this is more capable than the lower-number model, but less capable than the higher-number one.” Simple logic.
As for what names should be, well. They probably pay people good money to come up with those names.
In all seriousness, while people love the joke that Ford model names are great because you can replace “Ford” with “Anal”, I think that indirectly points out why Ford names are good–because they’re exciting words.
Even “Focus” and “Fusion” for sedans are more exciting than I’d typically expect for that segment.
Meanwhile, I like that Toyota uses actual names, but god they are so boring most of the time. We get it, you like crowns. Ditch the monarchy theme and find something else. Most of your other names are boring or stupid, too.
And I’m saying that while driving a Toyota
PriapismPrius v (not a capital V, because that’s the “five” trim level as applicable to the regular 2010 Prius. But now I’m getting into trims and that should be a separate discussion…).As a separate thing, I’m still bitter that apparently around 2000 all auto manufacturers decided “no more fun names for vans.” Club Wagon? Gone. Astro? Gone. Vandura? Gone. Ram Van? Gone.
Leaving us with…Express, Savana, Sprinter, E-series, and now the Transit and briefly the Nissan NV series? Vans can be cool, you bastards. Don’t give them an uphill battle.
Ram Van is back. and Kia has the Carnival
Opel Adam. Why choose the first name that is male for the small car that is mostly bought by the women as the “starter car”? I can’t think of any other car with first name that is male other than Buick Apollo. I bet the Greek god, Apollo, is appalled by Buick naming one of its shittiest car after him.
Dodge Nitro doesn’t have any oompah or explosive power despite the name being abbreviated from nitroglycerin.
“I can’t think of any other car with first name that is male other than Buick Apollo”
Just off the top of my head:
Nissan Cedric
Kaiser Henry J
Edsel
I have forgotten about Nissan Cedric as Y31 is my favourite generation. Thanks!
Suzuki Esteem. For those lacking in it.
Hey man the Esteem is a pretty solid lil rig. It just happens to have possibly the saddest looking interior ever installed in a car.
The Renault Fuego that (allegedly) did exactly what its name suggested. Caught on fuego.
But its funky, Euro appeal was so perfectly 1980s. I loved them as a kid based on the design alone, not knowing anything else about them except French. B/c what could go wrong?
The Mach-e should’ve been just that, no Mustang on it. Blazer should’ve been something like the Montana or Orlando, heck even Nomad. Last few Monte Carlos and Impalas should’ve been called something like Abomination, or Mistake.
Merkur XR4TI… that car was literally named by a cat walking across a keyboard. Give it any other name than that.
Though Merkur, er Ford, did nail it with Scorpio.
Great car, too. Lots of poise and gravitas.
XR4TI… could be the name of Elon Musk’s next kid?
The new Chevy Blazer. No blazing of trails here. More like the Chevy Herd Mentality. Or Chevy Lowest Common Denominator.
Ditto for the new Trailblazer. Related to neither the new Blazer nor the old Trailblazer. It’s a waste of a good name, just like the new Blazer.
Agreed. I saw one a few days on the freeway. It looked like a squashed loaf of bread with wheels.
FYI the “Crown Victoria” in the photo was NOT a trim level as the article states. Starting in 1983, the official model name for the full sized Panther platform car became “LTD Crown Victoria,” (to distinguish between it and the midsize Fox platform “LTD” which was sold from 1983-1986) and within that model they had base and LX trim levels.
The “Crown Victoria” was only a trim level before 1983.
The Daihatsu Applause. How about the Daihatsu Slow Clap instead?
More like Daihatsu One-Handed Clap.
Hyundi Staria should probably be renamed Dust Buster.
Every time I see an Armada, I always wonder why anybody would name a car, or whatever that thing is, after the losers in the most consequential sea battle in the history of the world?
What? “Armada” doesn’t have to be a specific armada. I never associated it with any historical event, just a cool word.
Google Armada
“ a Spanish naval invasion force sent against England by Philip II of Spain in 1588. It was defeated by the English fleet and almost completely destroyed by storms off the Hebrides.
singular proper noun: Armada; noun: the Armada; singular proper noun: Spanish Armada”
I suppose Spain has had other navies, but I don’t know if they reused the name, it’s basically why England and the Netherlands are not part of Spain.
Of note is that the English surprised the Spanish by setting some of their own ships on fire and sailing them into the Armeda causing them to cut their anchors loose to get away which turned out to be a problem in the subsequent storm.
I think that the English automobile industry continue to see catching fire as a competitive advantage well into the 20th century.
Was supposed to be armadillo
VW dropping the Golf prefix from the GTi & R is all wrong.
THIS.
I would have gone with the Daihatsu Charade – except thats a perfect name for that penalty box so I offer…
Esteem
noun – respect and admiration, typically for a person
verb – to respect or admire.
The Suzuki Esteem furnished neither. I had no reason to exist, hence its not worth wracking my brain for a name.
I feel the same about the Aspire. A whole lot of want there.
One of the most biting car review one lines I can remember was “The new Ford Aspire doesn’t inspire”
It aspired to be a car
Aspire…to something better next time
So perhaps a car hoping to be a refrigerator in its next incarnation?
My children got so tired of me saying that when we walked past one that they started saying it to not have to hear me say it.
They misspelled Esteam, which is what you get when a radiator hose gives up the ghost.
But Amazon was also the name of the ’80s VW Voyage/Gacel/Fox. And it has the merit of really sucking in every global nomenclature. Let’s see:
Amazon was already expurgued in relation to the Volvo. Those considerations also applies to the VW.
Voyage (Brazilian market) reminisces long roadtrips, a painful endeavor in a cramped car with awful ergonomics, deafening windnoise and lousy visibility.
Gacel (Argentinian market) evokes a gazelle, but the car has neither the elegant grace, nor the agility of said animal, not to mention its outstanding speed.
Fox (US market) suggests a shifty animal not devoid of grace, a wild version of your everyday pet, attributes completely lacking in the car.
VW Brick would have been a reasonable global name, invoking its aerodynamic prowess, its outstanding charisma, and its undeniable sophistication.
ID. whatever should be replaced with something better, and in a hurry.
Ford Aspire was nothing to aspire to. It should be called the Ford Settle
It aspires to be a car. It’s painfuly obvious to the point of a thought bubble “I want to be a car” floating overhead.
I always thought of it as the Ford Perspire. You know, for what happens when you try to merge it into freeway traffic.
I’m going edgy with this question.
Mazda CX70 ==> Cadillac Sedan DeVille
Mazda CX90 ==> Cadillac Brougham
(Something about the exterior design language -especially the size view – just says “Cadillac” to me.)
Subaru B9 Tribeca ==> Alfa Romeo Benevento
(That thing would have been a better Alfa than a Subaru)
It would have boosted Alfa’s reliability scores
The subaru definitely felt more sport than SUV. A pretty intake manifold away from selling it as alfa.
If you think the sedan is bad, I have the wood wagon version and the full name on the window sticker is “Ford LTD Crown Victoria Country Squire LX” An even worse mishmash of fancy names.
I am just bitter because Ranch Wagon was such a good name for the old 2 doors.
Would drink ranch waters out of the back of a ranch wagon at a tailgate.
You’re just jealous that you couldn’t get a BMW Individual M760Li xDrive Model V12 Excellence THE NEXT 100 YEARS.
I had an extremely low-miles white LTD Crown Victoria Country Squire LX until about two years ago. Wonderful car until you have to park it or feed it.
I wish Lexus went with the JDM names like Celsior and Altezza instead of the stupid letter numbers just copying the Germans. Nissan as well has cooler JDM names instead of what we got in the states. Also I dont like AMG and M being used on trim packages
All the VW ID-named vehicles are named wrong because the ID names are stupid.
Also the BMW 4 series coupes should be put back under the 3 series
And all the “Ram” trucks should be under the Dodge brand and Ram should go back to being a model under that brand
And the Toyota 86/GT86/GR86/FT86/FRS should be called the Celica
And the Subaru BRZ should be called the Alcyone.
The Ford Aspire should have continued to be called the Festiva.
The Ford Mustang Mach-E should just be called the ‘Ford Mach-E’… because it ain’t a Mustang.
The most recent Mitsubishi Eclipse CUV is also named wrong. It should be called either the Chariot, Nimbus, Expo or Shogun.
The Subaru WRX should go back to being the Subaru Impreza WRX.
The Chrysler Pacifica should be either the Chrysler Voyager or Chrysler Town & Country
The Toyota BZ4X is stupidly named and should be given some other name like Blizzard, Surf, Camatte, Setsuna (Camatte Setsuna was a Toyota concept from 2016) or FlexSpace (named after a 2023 Toyota concept)
And these are just off the top of my head.
Having heard more about the bZ4X, I think it’s kind of fitting that their boring “compliance EV” also has a boring name.
Alcyone is such a kickass name, although as it begat the term “halcyon” meaning serenity or calm (as the raging sea fell calm after Alcyone threw herself in), a sleek, fast, quiet grand tourer would fit the bill too!