Hello, dear reader, I have great news! You just successfully robbed a bank! You and all of your best buds managed to get 30 duffle bags of cash out of there while dressed up as the Ghostbusters. Congratulations, but now you need to put some distance between you and that vault. Unfortunately, the driver you hired didn’t quite do their job right and showed up in the worst possible vehicle. What are they driving?
The heist movie is a staple of Hollywood and if you like them like I do you’ve probably seen so many flavors of the same thing. Baby Driver is a pretty popular recent entry and features a skilled driver commanding a slick red Subaru WRX.
Triple Frontier is another one I like, not because of the plot or anything, but it’s one of a few heist movies that seemingly accurately depicts just how many bags you need to carry millions of dollars and just how heavy millions in cash actually are. The crew in that movie uses a sweet helicopter as a getaway vehicle, but the darn loot weighs so much that the chopper crashes from the load. I can’t comment on how fun the rest of the movie is, but that part alone is fascinating. Most movies just show the robbers carrying just a few bags after supposedly making off with “set for life” money.
Other movies have used memorable vehicles like an ambulance, the Mini Cooper, the BMW 7 Series, and the Chevy Impala. But, let’s flip that around. I want to know the exact wrong vehicle to use for a heist or some other reason you’d need to get out of Dodge quickly.
When I pitched this question to the Autopian crew Thomas was quick to answer with David’s old Nissan Leaf. On one hand, a Leaf is such a pedestrian choice that the cops would roll right by you without knowing. On the other hand, David’s Leaf had such bad range that you’d run out of juice while you were still in sight of the bank.
I also nominated David’s Project POStal. See, this is another vehicle the cops would never expect you to use for a heist. Nobody is going to care about a rusty former postal truck. Unfortunately, Project POStal also drove so poorly you’d probably end up getting pulled over for suspected drunk driving and then get caught. Maybe if you made the loot bags look like mail bags you’d still get away with it.
But, ultimately, I’d say the worst getaway car is probably a 2010s to early 2020s Hyundai or Kia product with a keyed ignition. With your luck, you would pop out of the bank to discover that some teenager stole your car using a USB cable. Second to that would be a Volkswagen product, because you don’t want to go into limp mode while the 5-0 are on your tail.
What do you think is the worst possible getaway car? What’s going to get you caught in record time?
Topshot GIF: Babydriver via YouTube
any early 80’s GM product, RWD or FWD, esp the 8/6/4 caddies, slow as molasses, could blow any number of gaskets, or floor it and flood the carb.
we had a ’83 Grand Prix with the 3.8l Buick V6, that thing was so slow!
Model-T. Recognizable and slow.
Any Tesla newer than 2016. Those cars are connected up the wazoo. The cops won’t even have to give chase. They’ll remotely disable the car and show up to its last reported position.
A second really bad one: an old Altima. Everyone already knows the driver is likely going to break some traffic law. OTOH nobody will report it either because Big Altima Energy.
Hey, I think an Altima would be a good getaway car. Super fast. Can take damage. No tags are normal.
In order of my personal ownership:
As a result I am not a suspect in any crime requiring escape between 1984 and 2001, which is nice.
Welp, for me the best was the worst.
[1989] Me & three other riders were tearing up Rte. 32 in New Hope, PA when the rollers bagged the two slower riders. The four of us were good friends so Tony and I demonstrated our loyalty: after seeing the blue lights we looked at each other and yelled, “Let’s get the heck outta heah!!” (though we dint say “heck.”)
I yelled “The bridge!” and pointed east to the great state of New Jersey. This would’ve gotten us over the Delaware River into the mothering bosom of The Garden State.
We hustled around a fast curve and eyed the bridge less than a half-mile away. Then I slammed my 900 Ninja to a hard stop about 40 feet from a young New Hope cop (my age at the time) who had his cruiser parked diagonally across the two-lane.
I pulled up my visor, Tony pulled up his own and the cop laughingly said “Hi guys.”
I replied “Good afternoon officer.”
Cop: My friend down the road wants a word.
Me: Oh OK, we’ll follow you back.
Cop: [with big fun smile] Uh, no. I’ll follow you back.
So we headed back to the churchyard where they were holding our two pals, and this is a whole ‘nother story after this. One of the guys was a hothead and I was able to negotiate the situation by playing “good rider/bad rider with the now-gathered three policemen.
We wound up with only two recorded speeding tickets and shared the cost among us.
So, worst getaway vehicle: ’86 900 Ninja I suppose.
P.S. I’ve told the full story a dozen times, and many years ago I went to our construction office Halloween party as a road block with a black/white cloth barrier across my chest. It was a hit.
Happy Halloween
A Hummer H1. Sure it’s imposing, but you’re robbing a downtown bank, good luck even parking the thing. It can’t handle tight street corners, and it’s so slow even bicycle cops can keep pace with it.
They also stand out like a sore thumb.
An orange Zaporozhets.
Stutz Bearcat.
https://frinkiac.com/video/S09E20/iqcvSvN_uf5EsaBUUhCbSlatLFQ=.gif
Come on people, its got to be Jason’s Changli
That’s more of a get away from vehicle.
Especially Jason’s. It was my first thought. Couldn’t get away from itself before the battery incident, now with the speaker wires it’ll burn those out before ever getting to the bank.
And if it did get to the bank, it might carry two gold bars, max, before the motor overtorques.
I’m going with the LARC-LX
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZDQ1YLg1jc
Yes, it’s amphibious and four-wheel drive. It also has a top speed of 16 miles an hour, weighs almost 100 tons empty, and is over sixty feet long. Also, despite being a military vehicle, it has no armor or armament. Good luck trying to hide what essentially is a DUKW the size of a house.
“ one of a few heist movies that seemingly accurately depicts just how many bags you need to carry millions of dollars and just how heavy millions in cash actually are”
‘The Way of The Gun” got this right.
Honestly, I’ve always felt Hollywood oversold the size of money. $1M USD in $100 bills is 43 inches high in a single stack, and weighs about 22 pounds. Duffle bags often seen in movies could reasonably carry $2M-$3M per bag. So even $30M is still reasonably 10 largish bags weighing 70 lbs a piece. Thats only 700 lbs in cargo. I think even one mini cooper from the Italian Job could have carried that load, though perhaps not have enough space for it all by bulk.
Correct, so $15M in three large duffel bags at a little over 100lbs each is pretty spot on.
Yea, but it’s 330,693 pounds of nickels!
Its a fair argument. I have no counter whatsoever. Except to advise NOT stealing $15M in nickels.
Amphicar FTW!
One of these, and I can’t decide if it would be better with or without the float plane attached, would offer an incredibly entertaining and short getaway:
https://www.theautopian.com/these-halfed-pickup-trucks-will-totally-break-your-brain-but-they-serve-a-handy-purpose/
Peel P50. You can try to make a getaway with a single bag, but your buds are walking (and carrying the rest).
Any Mitsubishi Mirage automatic. I own two of them.
My vote goes to a Ford Quadracycle.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68CcW3ELNBM
If you don’t get caught while trying to start it, you’ll get caught on the first gentle hill you hit.
And if you don’t have a foreskin, it won’t run for you at all!!!
Easy, any contractor’s van, white, with the windows all covered in grime, cause it hasn’t been cleaned… ever. Put a ladder or two on the roof rack, and make sure the driver is wearing white coveralls with paint on them. The signage needs to be previous owner’s business, but poorly removed/covered over.
Obligatory “how’s my driving” sticker with the local police’s phone number on it (not the 911 number, dummy).
Worst, not best lol.
Around here a silver 2010 Prius would be the best. That’s what I am driving currently, and sometimes I see two or three more of them stopped at the same stoplight with me.. I went to visit someone at a “secure campus“ where the guard waved me through because he said he’d already seen my ID. I’m telling you it’s the cockroach of cars.
A farm truck. Memorably-mismatched body panels, max speed of 55 on a good day, questionable brakes…you’re not outrunning the police in that. On the other hand, the smoke emitted from the oil dripping on the exhaust, coupled with the dust cloud of straw billowing out of the bed might actually make visibility bad enough they stop pursuing you.
My orange Beetle on the picture. Everyone will notice it, everyone knows what is a Beetle, and is so slow. The only good thing it may have is that is robust enough to run over multiple things but I will have the police behind me all the time lol
A Citroen H-Van. Slow, obvious and memorable.
A Volvo station wagon, you’re not supposed to put the loot back into a vault when you just broke it out of one!
Miata 🙂
As we know, the Bentley Mulsanne is a terrible post-bank-robbery getaway car.
Your friends in the Merc and the Rolls will leave you behind to shout “Crikey, it’s the Albanian rozzers!” and you’ll end up flying off a cliff.
that’s a VERY specific edition of the Mulsanne…
I would like to counter that “ a 2010s to early 2020s Hyundai or Kia product” is in fact the perfect getaway vehicle, because those are so bland that no one would every even see you leave. Make it white or silver, and it may as well be the invisible Bond car from Die Another Day
The Scooty Puff Jr.
Can’t even outrun a floating brain.
Just remember that Scooty Puff Jr sucks!