Hello, dear reader, I have great news! You just successfully robbed a bank! You and all of your best buds managed to get 30 duffle bags of cash out of there while dressed up as the Ghostbusters. Congratulations, but now you need to put some distance between you and that vault. Unfortunately, the driver you hired didn’t quite do their job right and showed up in the worst possible vehicle. What are they driving?
The heist movie is a staple of Hollywood and if you like them like I do you’ve probably seen so many flavors of the same thing. Baby Driver is a pretty popular recent entry and features a skilled driver commanding a slick red Subaru WRX.
Triple Frontier is another one I like, not because of the plot or anything, but it’s one of a few heist movies that seemingly accurately depicts just how many bags you need to carry millions of dollars and just how heavy millions in cash actually are. The crew in that movie uses a sweet helicopter as a getaway vehicle, but the darn loot weighs so much that the chopper crashes from the load. I can’t comment on how fun the rest of the movie is, but that part alone is fascinating. Most movies just show the robbers carrying just a few bags after supposedly making off with “set for life” money.
Other movies have used memorable vehicles like an ambulance, the Mini Cooper, the BMW 7 Series, and the Chevy Impala. But, let’s flip that around. I want to know the exact wrong vehicle to use for a heist or some other reason you’d need to get out of Dodge quickly.
When I pitched this question to the Autopian crew Thomas was quick to answer with David’s old Nissan Leaf. On one hand, a Leaf is such a pedestrian choice that the cops would roll right by you without knowing. On the other hand, David’s Leaf had such bad range that you’d run out of juice while you were still in sight of the bank.
I also nominated David’s Project POStal. See, this is another vehicle the cops would never expect you to use for a heist. Nobody is going to care about a rusty former postal truck. Unfortunately, Project POStal also drove so poorly you’d probably end up getting pulled over for suspected drunk driving and then get caught. Maybe if you made the loot bags look like mail bags you’d still get away with it.
But, ultimately, I’d say the worst getaway car is probably a 2010s to early 2020s Hyundai or Kia product with a keyed ignition. With your luck, you would pop out of the bank to discover that some teenager stole your car using a USB cable. Second to that would be a Volkswagen product, because you don’t want to go into limp mode while the 5-0 are on your tail.
What do you think is the worst possible getaway car? What’s going to get you caught in record time?
Topshot GIF: Babydriver via YouTube
One of those fake Ferrari 308 Conversions based on a Fiero. Flashy, Slow, No space. Nothing you want in a getaway cat.
Constantly overheating
1975 Mercedes Benz 220D w/automatic transmission.
Incredibly slow, loud diesel clatter, sticks out in modern traffic, occasionally puffs smoke clouds, and it will leave an oil trail you can follow like breadcrumbs.
The 1968 VW convertible my family had when I was in High school. It was so slow, I got passed by a dog that escaped from its yard once. And the floor pan was deteriorating so fast, it would leave a trail of rust to one’s criminal lair.
I’m divided between a Fiat 850 spyder or a Fiat Multipla. They’ve both got it all, obscurity, handling, perfomance, reliability, carrying capacity (Multipla).
This is a fun though experiment.
First we need to determine what makes a good getaway vehicle, and work backwards from there.
A good getaway vehicle is likely some combination of:
A Toyota Corolla won’t get you away fast, but if it can fit your loot, you’ll be invisible after moving half a block away from the bank.
A white Chevy Express or Ford van also aren’t super fast (L8T in the Express notwithstanding…presumably…), but can carry plenty and should also be invisible in traffic.
Relying more on speed, there’s probably plenty of luxury cruisers that could fit that bill.
So, for the opposite, we want something tiny, with little weight capacity, that sticks out in a crowd.
I was about to say a Smart car, but if you can find the right tight alley or sidewalk, you can probably get to places no cop car can. Even if you can only fit yourself and one bag of loot or something.
So I’m going to say the worst getaway vehicle is probably a Polaris Slingshot.
I welcome your rebuttals.
I’m thinking of the Citroën 2CV from “For Your Eyes Only”. In the hands of a lesser person than James Bond, it would be toast.
A leyland product. While you are cursing at it to start, you be nabbed.
Reliant Robin. Dog slow in a straight line, and gives new meaning to getting sideways in a corner.
Speed Buggy. The little dipwad will talk.
That’s why the little snitch gets melted down in futurama!
An orange articulated bus. Noticable, bulky, hard to manuever, slow, and provides no cover.
Ok, ok, hear me out here: This is the BEST getaway vehicle.
Assuming the cops are going to take a few minutes to show up, you pull up in a replica city bus and start driving a normal route. People get on, people get off. Some are accomplices, most are just people catching the bus. Eventually your subterfuge will be discovered, but by that time, you’ve swapped the driver for someone completely unmatching the description of anyone on the robbery crew, and you’ve played the shell game with so many bags and backpacks and crowd plants that even with 100% CCTV coverage they won’t be able to follow you.
The Lane Museum’s own 1932 Helicron’s only benefit as a getaway car would be the amazing eye witness statements.
The Peel P50, I’m not even convinced your pursuer would need a vehicle of their own and not just run up and tip you over.
But to steer back to a more conventional vehicle, I’d say the Citroen C3 Pluriel, specifically with the SensoDrive AMT because I don’t know what getaway car could be worse than one that I’d actively pull over and abandon because driving it is so horrid.
My first actual new car was an ’86 Dodge Colt. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the GT with the Turbo. This was the most gutless car I’d ever driven. I had an old VW Bug that out performed the Colt. Oh, and it ate timing belts.
Bugatti Veyron , at top speed it only has 50 miles of range then you need to refill it and it needs about $50,000 worth of tires. If you’re lucky you send the wheels back to France and they change the tires, but they can only do that once, the second time you need a new set of wheels..
That makes it way worse than a Nissan leaf doesn’t it?
Unless it happens to be an extremely niche situation and the diminutive size becomes an advantage, a Suzuki Mighty Boy would be a terrible choice.
The Boy only has room for driver and a passenger, and would be lucky to carry five duffel bags at best.
With 20hp on a good day, you’d be lucky to even climb a slight incline since you would have exceeded the GVM with all that loot.
Plymouth Volare.
They were a layer cake of malaise and vapor lock with rust-bubble frosting.
Geo Metro.
In the words of Ned Flanders… “I Cant! Its a GEO”
Limp Mode is not limited to VAG products, but I get the stereotype. Probably the worst getaway car would be a Smart Car. No room for loot, only 2 robber per, they are stupid slow and seen so infrequently these days that they stick out like a sore thumb.
Don’t give Mercedes any ideas
I thought this too, but the one advantage they do have is that you could go on sidewalks or go town tight walking paths that a cop car couldn’t dream of.
I had a better idea (see my top level comment)
What do you think is the worst possible getaway car? What’s going to get you caught in record time?
Any old British sports car: No room for loot and it won’t start when you REALLY need it to.
[looks at this article]
[looks at photo for Lewin’s post below]
Well, there’s your answer.
Fisker Ocean… it’s not the Ocean you want in your heist.
A Th!nk City would be pretty useless, especially the first gen with 12 kWh NiCd battery, 36hp motor and (optimistic) 48km range.
peugeot 1007 1.4L diesel 70 hp with 2 tronic robotized gearbox:
– the sliding electric doors will be stuck in the half-open position with an aggressive warning bell
– the trunk is almost as spacious as the glove box
– this 1300kg city car is a dramatically under-powered anchor
– the cylinder head gasket is probably dying and the egr valve is clogged
– The robotized gearbox, as long as it is not broken down, is deliriously slow … after finally deciding which gear to engage following several brainstorming meetings between the gears (with various PowerPoint that do not work, flipcharts and half-dry markers)
– The faulty electronics will put it in degraded mode in the event of “strong acceleration”, when overtaking a bus uphill on a two-way street
– It will definitely break down after 2 miles, in the middle of a busy intersection with the radio impossible to turn off, even with the ignition off, playing ridiculous music with the sound at maximum
https://youtu.be/XRu3dcMlC3E?si=PlxiadCETRa5HY0J
’69 Chevy Impala: She eventually gets it headed in the right direction. But first she hasta knock Doc McCoy on his butt.
any early 80’s GM product, RWD or FWD, esp the 8/6/4 caddies, slow as molasses, could blow any number of gaskets, or floor it and flood the carb.
we had a ’83 Grand Prix with the 3.8l Buick V6, that thing was so slow!