Hello, dear reader, I have great news! You just successfully robbed a bank! You and all of your best buds managed to get 30 duffle bags of cash out of there while dressed up as the Ghostbusters. Congratulations, but now you need to put some distance between you and that vault. Unfortunately, the driver you hired didn’t quite do their job right and showed up in the worst possible vehicle. What are they driving?
The heist movie is a staple of Hollywood and if you like them like I do you’ve probably seen so many flavors of the same thing. Baby Driver is a pretty popular recent entry and features a skilled driver commanding a slick red Subaru WRX.
Triple Frontier is another one I like, not because of the plot or anything, but it’s one of a few heist movies that seemingly accurately depicts just how many bags you need to carry millions of dollars and just how heavy millions in cash actually are. The crew in that movie uses a sweet helicopter as a getaway vehicle, but the darn loot weighs so much that the chopper crashes from the load. I can’t comment on how fun the rest of the movie is, but that part alone is fascinating. Most movies just show the robbers carrying just a few bags after supposedly making off with “set for life” money.
Other movies have used memorable vehicles like an ambulance, the Mini Cooper, the BMW 7 Series, and the Chevy Impala. But, let’s flip that around. I want to know the exact wrong vehicle to use for a heist or some other reason you’d need to get out of Dodge quickly.
When I pitched this question to the Autopian crew Thomas was quick to answer with David’s old Nissan Leaf. On one hand, a Leaf is such a pedestrian choice that the cops would roll right by you without knowing. On the other hand, David’s Leaf had such bad range that you’d run out of juice while you were still in sight of the bank.
I also nominated David’s Project POStal. See, this is another vehicle the cops would never expect you to use for a heist. Nobody is going to care about a rusty former postal truck. Unfortunately, Project POStal also drove so poorly you’d probably end up getting pulled over for suspected drunk driving and then get caught. Maybe if you made the loot bags look like mail bags you’d still get away with it.
But, ultimately, I’d say the worst getaway car is probably a 2010s to early 2020s Hyundai or Kia product with a keyed ignition. With your luck, you would pop out of the bank to discover that some teenager stole your car using a USB cable. Second to that would be a Volkswagen product, because you don’t want to go into limp mode while the 5-0 are on your tail.
What do you think is the worst possible getaway car? What’s going to get you caught in record time?
Topshot GIF: Babydriver via YouTube
souped up G 4×4^2?
reason being its extremely capable offroad, and can be scary fast when cranked up to 10!
1) 70 series Toyota LC
2) GMC Sierra Desert Fox
3) Nissan Patrol Y61 Super Safari
All these vehicles (the first ONLY), should be used by the villains.
I always think of the little S-10 in Terminator 2 they use to get away from the Semi…yeah, they get away but it’s just funny.
Also, I’ll just list some of the worst cars ever made:
Chevy Citation
Dodge Aries/Plymouth Reliant
Ford Granada
Chevy Chevette, Vega
Any generation of the Volkswagen van/bus/transporter. Starting with ~25 hp, finally claiming 90 hp by the time of the 2011 cc Vanagon–with the weight of a truck, plus the loot and the crew. Poor handling, really stand out in traffic….
A blast to drive in the right conditions, but not my choice for a getaway vehicle.
Give me a gray mini-van with some ponies any time. Dress everyone as teen-age soccer players with harassed mom driving and no one will ever see you. Sports bags and school backpacks for the loot.
Miata is always the answer.
A 2cylinder FIAT 500 Jolly. Not only sloooooow, but with no doors the cops could see what you were hauling. Plus you’d never get all that loot in it in the first place.
BAC Mono
Since Trabi and Peel P50 were taken… maybe a 70’s orange Wartburg, running rich with missing exhaust? Barkas with the same drivetrain, if the gang has many members? Then again, most soviet military vehicles would suck, at least in the getaway part. Smelly, noisy, smoky, clumsy. Bridgelayer-Kraz?
The worst possible getaway car is a 1964-1968 Mini Moke.
With only 34 hp on tap, and teh aerodynamics of a brick, it is slow, with a top speed of about 70mph with a tail wind, and acceleration is slow as well.
It is impossible to blend in with traffic. People just notice you all the time and people will take your pictures as you drive by.
With no doors or roof, anyone will be able to identify you and if you leave your money loot bag open, the bills will fly out as you drive, leaving a bread crumbs to the Police.
The only saving grace is that is small, if you manage to find a foot path you might be able to outrun the cops…. provided they are not riding bikes or motorcycles.
Smart4two
Something like a Ferrai Enzo or a Lamborgini, assuming you haven’t driven one of those before. You’re probably going to be nervous, give it too much gas, and crash in the most obvious vehicle around. Also, there’s probably not enough room for more than one duffle bag full of cash, and every knows a bank robbery for less than 1 duffle bag just isn’t worth it.
Any VW beetle pre 1974. Mashing the pedal gets you nothing, turning the wheel left or right will not visibly affect the car’s direction, and once you managed to get enough momentum and (some) speed, there’s nothing to stop it as the soft, sad brake drums will do jack. And better pray for perfect weather, because any slippery surface will send you sideways.
Plus: better plan to steal diamonds, because trying to carry any reasonable amount of cash is impossible given the lack of cargo space.
Whichever French “licenseless” micro car. Aixam? Ligier? Take your pick for a 30mph low speed chase with seating for 2 and a trunk space for a single bag of quarters.
A Peugeot 204 diesel. 45 HP of unbridled Gallic fury. Your prison sentence will be over well before it reaches 60 mph.
A Citroen Ami EV. Small, very limited range, low top speed and very recognisable does not make a good combination for a getaway car
But if you carefully chose your getaway route, you could take the Ami down an alleyway too narrow for the cop cars so it might have a use.
You’re not wrong, but a motorcycle with decent saddle bags would do that so much better
Bright yellow 1982 Vanagon DIESEL w/Sunroof. 0-60 measured on one of those tear-away calendars. Has a leaking injector pump so giant clouds of excess diesel follow it wherever it crawls. The coolant pipes also leak. Everything leaks.
Your getaway driver loves it because it’s big enough to hold ALL THAT CASH except that it’s raining and the sunroof doesn’t work since the cables broke in 1983 and he caulked it shut because “no-one would notice” so it’s raining inside the van as well.
You’d complain but the deafening racket from the mighty 1.6d engine has given you a migraine. Or is that the diesel fumes? It’d be faster to get out and walk. Slowly. Away.
Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.
pack it up boys this is the answer.
1982 Plymouth Champ with an automatic. Acceleration is non-existent, brakes would overheat carrying the load of cash, if you hit a bump while loaded down you can kiss the muffler goodbye, once it starts making that racket you will gladly surrender to make it stop.
Yugo. The answer is always Yugo.
It has to make it to the bank first though.
Which is why the answer is always Yugo.