Hello, dear reader, I have great news! You just successfully robbed a bank! You and all of your best buds managed to get 30 duffle bags of cash out of there while dressed up as the Ghostbusters. Congratulations, but now you need to put some distance between you and that vault. Unfortunately, the driver you hired didn’t quite do their job right and showed up in the worst possible vehicle. What are they driving?
The heist movie is a staple of Hollywood and if you like them like I do you’ve probably seen so many flavors of the same thing. Baby Driver is a pretty popular recent entry and features a skilled driver commanding a slick red Subaru WRX.
Triple Frontier is another one I like, not because of the plot or anything, but it’s one of a few heist movies that seemingly accurately depicts just how many bags you need to carry millions of dollars and just how heavy millions in cash actually are. The crew in that movie uses a sweet helicopter as a getaway vehicle, but the darn loot weighs so much that the chopper crashes from the load. I can’t comment on how fun the rest of the movie is, but that part alone is fascinating. Most movies just show the robbers carrying just a few bags after supposedly making off with “set for life” money.
Other movies have used memorable vehicles like an ambulance, the Mini Cooper, the BMW 7 Series, and the Chevy Impala. But, let’s flip that around. I want to know the exact wrong vehicle to use for a heist or some other reason you’d need to get out of Dodge quickly.
When I pitched this question to the Autopian crew Thomas was quick to answer with David’s old Nissan Leaf. On one hand, a Leaf is such a pedestrian choice that the cops would roll right by you without knowing. On the other hand, David’s Leaf had such bad range that you’d run out of juice while you were still in sight of the bank.
I also nominated David’s Project POStal. See, this is another vehicle the cops would never expect you to use for a heist. Nobody is going to care about a rusty former postal truck. Unfortunately, Project POStal also drove so poorly you’d probably end up getting pulled over for suspected drunk driving and then get caught. Maybe if you made the loot bags look like mail bags you’d still get away with it.
But, ultimately, I’d say the worst getaway car is probably a 2010s to early 2020s Hyundai or Kia product with a keyed ignition. With your luck, you would pop out of the bank to discover that some teenager stole your car using a USB cable. Second to that would be a Volkswagen product, because you don’t want to go into limp mode while the 5-0 are on your tail.
What do you think is the worst possible getaway car? What’s going to get you caught in record time?
Topshot GIF: Babydriver via YouTube
A Citroen Ami EV. Small, very limited range, low top speed and very recognisable does not make a good combination for a getaway car
Bright yellow 1982 Vanagon DIESEL w/Sunroof. 0-60 measured on one of those tear-away calendars. Has a leaking injector pump so giant clouds of excess diesel follow it wherever it crawls. The coolant pipes also leak. Everything leaks.
Your getaway driver loves it because it’s big enough to hold ALL THAT CASH except that it’s raining and the sunroof doesn’t work since the cables broke in 1983 and he caulked it shut because “no-one would notice” so it’s raining inside the van as well.
You’d complain but the deafening racket from the mighty 1.6d engine has given you a migraine. Or is that the diesel fumes? It’d be faster to get out and walk. Slowly. Away.
Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.
1982 Plymouth Champ with an automatic. Acceleration is non-existent, brakes would overheat carrying the load of cash, if you hit a bump while loaded down you can kiss the muffler goodbye, once it starts making that racket you will gladly surrender to make it stop.