Earlier today, we all continued our Jag-madness when the first images of the Jaguar Type 00 concept were leaked. Our own genuinely-British car designer gave us a fantastic rundown on the design, but in the released pictures, there was one that I find genuinely confusing. That one up top there. What the hell are we looking at?
The picture in question seems to be showing what is behind a panel just aft of the front wheel arch on the left side of the car. There’s a brassy-colored band below it, emblazoned with the Jaguar leaper, which remains on the bodywork as the body-colored panel opens above it.
You can see the area in question here, where the gold rectangle is:
…and here’s what the panel looks like when opened:
What I want to know is what the hell are we looking at inside there? What are those things?
Are they some sort of fitted luggage? Is that what that thing that resembles a tallish barn on its side is? And is that some kind of thin valise below it? I don’t see any sort of handles or anything so I’m really not sure. If it is luggage, is this access to the front luggage compartment?
If so, is that really the best way to do that? Unless the volume of space in there is really small, why would you choose to have your luggage accessed like this? Is that black corrugated bit a sort of roll-up cover? It looks like some sort of arm that holds the body panel swings out from the black corrugated part, which means the access hole is even smaller, if it is a luggage volume?
Is it equipment of some kind, perhaps some sort of charging equipment? Does a charging cable unfurl from one of those pale-pink whatevers?
I mean, historically, that area of cars can have interesting stuff; for example, the Horch 930 S had a freaking sink that popped out of that area!
…and, of course, that’s where Bristols hid their spare tires:
… but whatever is going on here is definitely neither sink nor tire.
So, what the hell is going on under that panel? I guess we’ll find out at the Jag reveal event tonight, but I want us to guess, dammit. So have at it! Let’s speculate! Speculate like a speculum!
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It’s obviously an Igloo cooler perfectly sized for two bottles of Dom. The panel on the other side contains caviar.
I’m sure in the first action genre B-movie it will be where the missile launcher pops out. They will then have the CGI team edit in some fancy firing.
It’s a bidet. Get a clean tush with just a push. Sprays all the leaking anti-freeze up instead of down.
Obviously, Jaguar is employing sophisticated bio-mechanical technology- these cars are alive and sentient, much like Moya the Leviathan spaceship from “Farscape.” In this case, the Jag 00 is also pregnant and birthing, which might account for its bulk, too. Also, since it has 00 status, it has a license to kill … Jaguar sales.
That’s where the Vaporware keeps it’s Vaporware.
With how ridiculous the proportions are, I think it is for Skis.
Whatever it is, nobody wants to buy it.
It’s a fax machine so when a boomer complains to the owner that it’s not a real Jag they can fax their displeasure to Jag HQ directly.
Seriously though, it could be some bespoke luggage compartment, or most likely it’s the charging cable/inverter when plugging into 110-220 AC power
Minimalist bumper dumper, perhaps?
Hoverboard or a stool to sit on waiting for the tow truck
Dickfer
Hoonicus: “Dikfer”
Me: “What’s a dikfer?”
Hoonicus: “If you don’t know…”
“What a goof! What’s with you man? Come on! “
Excellent user name!
Sort of like a piecost or a henweigh?
Cyber cocaine packages
This car looks large so I think it’s a step like you would find on or around the bed of a pickup. In this case, short folks can use it to access the cavernous frunk and retrieve bags of mulch or whatever they’re hauling up there.
It’s a really mod cassette toilet for when charging takes too long…
It is an integrated receptaple for drive-in purposes. The peasant shall bow and place your order there, then the latch closes and the contents of the receptaple are uv-treated and mildly irradiated, hence the colour. Very hygienic, limits contact with the commoners, colonials and the smelling class.
But more likely some Haute Couture inspired idiotic concept car feature. Overstyled charging gubbins or something. Wait! A manbag dispenser?
It’s a giant Bic shaver so you can render your body completely smoooooooth and hairless in one swipe per side, just like the models in the new ads!
I’m pretty baffled. My best guesses:
Vanilla Wafer Dispenser
Sonic Bidet
Swamp-Butt Foil Screen Shaver
Caramel Deployment Reservoir
No-So-Funky-Cold-Medina
The Window Up/Down Switch
A Speaker that Shouts the Correct Way to Pronoun JAG-YOU-AHRR
Branding Iron for Neighboring Vehicles
Something They Forgot to Glue Down
I’m thinking the thin barn thing is what passes for a purse amongst the models from last week. And the thinner object below is a tablet in a case.
I dunno—but I do know I want that split-window Horch!