“No one’s perfect,” as they say (except for my wife, obviously, in case she reads this), and the things we ones make are imperfect too. That certainly applies to cars, and even those vehicles that come nearest to the flawless combination of form, function, performance, and practicality still have irksome errors in design or execution that can annoy if not outright boggle the mind. An ill-placed door pull that rubs your knee in exactly the wrong spot. A rear-seat center headrest precisely placed to block your view out the back window. The cupholders in the S197 Mustang that made it impossible to enjoy a manual transmission and a Big Gulp simultaneously.
Or, perhaps there’s a bit of bum styling that offends your eye. My example–and perhaps an example only for me–is the first-gen Capri’s character line. It’s a thick spear that shoots down the side of the body and over the wheel wells like a three-dimensional speed line, only go limp and tuck behind the rear wheel. I’ve always loved the Capri’s crisp mini-musclecar vibe, but that abrupt turn is just ugh. Really kills the vibe, and I feel a straight line would have been superior. Judge for yourself … and the see how I have been judged.
1972 Mercury Capri image via Bring a Trailer
You may disagree! Lord knows Adrian and Jason did. One of the greatest–heck, thee greatest–things about working here is collaborating with the best and brightest writers and creatives, whom I admire greatly. Even if their tough love makes me wonder if they even tough-like me: 
Four out of five dentists recommend Whore Mouth toothpaste, FYI.
Had I thought of my Mustang-cupholders example earlier, this all could have been avoided.
FYI if you like that little peak behind the curtain: we collect the week’s best (or worst, as the case may be) high jinks for Tales From The Slack, a “members only” feature each week. It’s included with every membership tier including Cloth. You don’t want to miss that! Become a Member today– right now, even!
Its appalling lack of an autocleaning function. Who has time for all that washimg and vacuuming?
The last time my friends were in my car they said “How does this still have the new car smell?”
(It’s a 2012 Prius v.) I was thrilled they could smell it since I can’t. I mean, yeah I’m an auditor for a living and I keep it clean but…that was not the kind of compliment I was expecting and it gave me wings
Don’t think I feel particularly strongly about the Capri thing, but I’m also a young’n. I think the “de-kinked” one looks slightly better.
Regardless, none of my vehicle experiences have approached perfection. I think if I had to pick ONE thing for my ’97 Ford Econoline conversion, I was off-put by the lack of a cruise control indicator. Cruise *worked* but there was nothing but the sensation/function itself to actually tell you it was working.
Other than that, a common gripe to every vehicle I’ve driven that WASN’T that van was the driver armrest placements. That van had them in a magical position where my right hand could grip the wheel securely with that elbow just very slightly bent and resting on the armrest. And not much more of a bend for the same with the left elbow/armrest (which was separate from the door with the “converted” seats).
With my other cars my elbows tend to be hanging, or bent just slightly further out of the way if I want them to rest on the armrests, making them slightly less relaxing. Just a little.
Not really relevant to city driving, but I tend to do mostly smooth sailing highway driving.
I’ve had several Subarus, and using cruise control requires me to activate the dash switch prior to activating the steering wheel switches. Every time the car is turned on. But only when the car is first turned on. Habitually following this sequence when driving the car means unintentionally disabling cruise control (and causing it to lose its set point). So I must devote active thought to what should be a thoughtless (intuitive) control input.
Why must two buttons be activated (in the correct order, no less) to achieve a single effect? One button is simpler and less confusing, and is the norm for other cars I’ve driven.
The spare wheel well on the Anadol A1; it protrudes beneath the fender behind the rear wheel and makes me think of full diapers. All you’d have to do is powdercoat it black.
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Anadol_A1_light_grey_rear.jpg
And if you’re going to alter the Capri Mk1, how about removing those stupid fake vents, and giving it some decent sized wheels, while you are at it?
Small European Citroëns and VWs of the time ran on 15 inch rims. Why the hell would Ford choose 13s for an even bigger car? Makes no sense at all.
My E39 wagon has this pointless stalk protruding from the left side of the steering column… moving it up or down just results in an irritating clicking noise and flashing lights on the dash. Must be a Canadian thing.
That slack exchange would be nsfw in most work places. Hopefully the autopian doesn’t get Spanfellered to the point you can’t tell your coworkers to wash their whore mouths out with soap when they’re as grossly out of line as Peter here.
Peter: that character line should kink UP and terminate at the deck lid. Sue me.
My RDX is a perfect zippy appliance except the UI to set up a BT phone is horrendous.
I do love having a Nissan Figaro – 5+ years now – and puttering around with automatic and turbo and the roof open and some silly pop music on the stereo. I don’t mind that it is right hand drive or that it is optimized to slow Japanese city traffic.
BUT I HATE ALL IT’S FREAKING BEEPING!
It beeps when:
You put the key in and turn the electrics on
I open the door with the light on (OK I guess)
I open the door with the key in
The roof compartment isn’t clicked all the way down in both sides
You put it in reverse!
The frame rails on the Datsun 240Z. From the sides it looks like the car’s gut is hanging. Otherwise, no note, perfect car.
My otherwise lovely 23 Outback that has a CVT and ROUGH SHIFTS. THATS THE WHOLE AND SINGLE JOY OF A CVT, you stupid fat hobbitses. RUINS IT!
The Cadillac CT5 is a very clean design except for one little wart. What’s up with the chrome dart on the C pillar? It catches my eye and spits in it every time. The CT4 doesn’t have this so it’s better looking.
“Wash out your filthy whore mouth” will probably become a high school comedy series on Netflix.
“What’s One Annoying Feature On Your Otherwise Perfect Car?”
None of my vehicles will ever get close to being perfect.
If the perfect car were ever made it would instantly become imperfect in my mind, due to its perfection.
Cars need to be imperfect to be perfect.
One of life’s most difficult conundrums.
As far as annoying features go… it’s more a lack of a feature in my case.
No Autopian badge on the grille.
I mean, I’ve got a quality, vinyl Autopian bumper sticker, but I don’t do bumper stickers.
Badges? I ain’t got no badges! I need Autopian badges!
I want to show off my stinking badges!
I have complaints about all my vehicles. My TJ’s window handles jab me in the knee when I have the doors on. My 350z convertible has no storage to speak of. My Ryker’s locking glove box is tied to the parking brake, in one of the most baffling design choice’s I’ve ever seen. Good luck getting into it if you have to park on a hill. I love them all though.
I don’t like how my Hyundai resets everything when it gets shut off (auto hold on, driver assist off, cruise control speed), also, the really hard seats with bottoms that aren’t quite long enough, the surprisingly wide turning circle for a small car, the floppy suspension that delivers both a rough ride AND excessive body roll, and that stupid black plastic trim on the C-pillar to make it look like it has a window there.
On the Ford I’ve got, I dont like that there isn’t an armrest on the right side of the driver’s seat. On my Chevy, I think the weakest point is maybe the fake plastic vents under the rear window on the outside, they add some visual interest, but really aren’t fooling anyone and seem a bit silly
In my Elantra GT, when the headlights are set to automatic, the turn signal stalk is slightly misaligned. Even though it should be in auto all the time.
Now that it has been pointed out, I think almost every car has that fault.
If you are going to make it Auto and want that to be the default, it should feel like the natural position.
Man, the last-gen Cayenne GTS was SO good aside from the silly control layout. I hate the stupid flat-panel that compresses like one, solid button. I hate it so much. Stupid fingerprint-magnet that’s hard to use. (The other Cayennes were also good, but I had the most fun in the GTS.)
This makes it two things, but lack of both “forward” and “back” buttons for the stereo was icing on the Scheißkuche. You got one programmable diamond-button. It could go up or down. I might tolerate this if the slick-panel wasn’t such a day-ruiner, but no!
Either way, I’m glad they’ve updated the Cayenne’s interior for this gen, even if I’d really prefer a return to a second-gen-style button array.
…
(Sigh. I need a Cayenne.)
+ eins für Scheißkuche
Oh my God oh my God oh my God (jumping up and down), a 72 CAPRI!!!!!!!!!!
(That was my first car and I learned a lot about driving in it and I love them dearly and I will someday buy another one just so I can wallow in memories of my youth. And that kink never bothered me a bit, although I can see the case for the straight line.)
I have it on good authority that whoremouth mouthwash is just private label Seagrams vodka. Did not know that the brand had extended to toothpaste.
You digust me. Firstly. But I appreciate your honesty and commitment to dying on your kinkless hill.
So, I’ll answer. I own a ’90 MX-5, it’s perfect, but I would have loved for just one cup holder.
If that seems to simple a fix, you’re right, but I’ve got a back up point and that’s the goddamn oil filter location. The whole car is Lego basic and then they just buried the oil filter under the manifold, behind a bracket and at least on RHD the steering is vaguely in the way as well. The one engine part that needs regular removal, is the most irritating to remove.
That damn filter. So annoying.
Like many Japanese, I have thin arms. Never an issue (if you wait for the engine to cool).
The most annoying thing about the otherwise perfect Lotus Esprit is that I have neither the keys nor the title to one.
I haven’t driven one to confirm, but I suspect that – as a man with extremely long thighs – I can find an additional flaw.
At least if the reviews were to be believed.
2019 Ram 1500 (new body style). Beautiful interior marred by 2 things.
Indeed, I will add the steering wheel volume and tuning controls being OPPOSITE in orientation to the knobs on the head unit. The steering wheel department did not get the memo from the infotainment department. I cannot get my brain hemispheres to adapt. Fortunately, the knobs are not too far of a reach from the most awesome armrest.
Count me on Team De-Kinked, Peter! I’m not surprised by the bad take by Adrian, ever since the Great Defense of the Stupid Big Wheels on Concept Sketches debacle*, but et tu, Torch?
*Luv Ya A, but I’m not ready to let that one go yet! 😉
You guys should sell the Whore mouth toothpaste in your merch shop because that downward kink looks really dumb.
It’s less that it goes down, but rather that the point at which it goes down seems to have no relation to any other dimension on the car.
They can sell the whore mouth toothpaste as the antidote to the shower spaghetti.
And wheelbarrow shrimp.
On my 23 Sierra 1500, there is not one single 12v outlet. At least there are 4 USB, but still…
Interesting! On one hand, at least for laptops, USB-C should be at the point where they could still power them, but of course that still leaves plenty of non-USB gadgets out of luck
Personal gripe… The location of the rear axle on the XV30 Camry. While looking at the car while washing it, I noticed the rear axle is about 1-2 inches too forward, kinking the rear fender and making the bumper look really long. As a test, I made an edit using a side profile picture from the internet and it looks “better”. It’s still a boring car but it fixes the kink in the fender and the overly long rear bumper.
https://i.imgur.com/WciMsv4.jpg
It’s a Camry. No one has ever noticed. Or cared.
You forgot to add the dent.
Aw, damnit, man, why’d you go and say that? Now I’m going to be looking at Camrys. At Camrys!
FML
On the current XV70 pay attention to the shape of the rear window if looking at the car from the side. Once you do it’ll infuriate you to no end. The line that begins the descent from the roof into the C-pillar is not a continuous curve and it’s not a compound curve. It’s three separate curves, like somebody fucked up with the line tool in Microsoft Paint. There’s the gentle curve following the roof, the harsh corner to begin the descent, another curve so gentle it almost looks straight, then another harsh corner, and then a curve following from there down to the beltline. Rubbing hydrochloric acid in the wound is the fact that when looking at the car from the front the window doesn’t align with the C-pillar, leaving a triangular flat surface where the C-pillar gains a more aggressive angle a third of the way down but the window stays along a softer curve so it can be rolled down. This little triangular face catches all sorts of mud and dust and makes the car look like it’s leaking earwax aft of the door.
I have no idea why they did this, because the underlying unibody and the inside shelf of the door without the trim and seals has a continuous curve, as does the opening for the door. It’s the exterior edge of the door that forms the shell of the car that has that weird incongruous multi-curve. Opening angles and tolerances don’t explain it, because then the inside shelf would be shaped like that too.