You know what’s fun about having a brain? Other than the way it sloshes pleasingly around in your head when you nod really vigorously? Ideas. All the ideas! Those little sparks of insight and creativity that make the world go around – man, I love ideas. I especially love terrible ideas, because they’re like ideas, but, you know, awful. So now I want to know about your best worst ideas! For cars!
The only criteria here is that these must be terrible ideas that are also, somehow, fantastic. I know it’s a fine line to walk, but I believe it is possible. Some revolutionary concept with some sort of massive Achilles’ heel, some debilitating detail, a jelly donut of perfection but with a large vole living in it. You get the idea.
I think one of my best worst ideas is one that has to do with vehicle controls. I first came up with the concept when I was imagining how I thought maybe a submersible was piloted, but it adapts just fine to cars:
The part here that I think is the best worst idea here is the buttock-wedge-actuated brake. A buttocks-squeezable wedge would leverage the body’s natural instinct to clench the buttocks when tense or nervous or in a state of heightened alert. The buttock wedge would allow for faster reaction times for braking, which could save valuable seconds that could be the difference between life and death.
Really, this could save lives!
Of course, there’s a downside, too. Comfortable use of a buttock-wedge brake likely requires pantsless operation (or at least assless chaps) and many drivers aren’t willing to make that level of commitment, even in the interests of safety. Also, changing drivers likely should require a quick wipe-down with a rag or wipe or something, and that’s an extra step many drivers aren’t willing to undertake.
That’s my best worst idea; I suspect you have ideas that are even better and worser, and I very much want to hear them! So have at it! Give me your best-worst!
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a cheap car made of aftermarket parts from Jegs
Driving trousers, featuring a deep butt crack cleft.
If BAB became a thing, they’d be the necessary next best worst idea (partly because they’d need loosey whities underneath).
A car that drives itself.
Conjoining three 500cc Honda V4 interceptor engines to make 1.5L V12s and two 1.5L H6 Goldwing engines to make an H12s. Put one V12 in a 1st gen Insight, whether F/R or M/R TBD. Or maybe two V12s for the ultimate AWD monster.
The H12? Wherever I can make it fit.
The steering wheel spike.
Ya know… a deadly, sharp metal spike on the steering wheel pointed at the driver.
Cars have gotten too safe. I say we bring a sense of caution and consequences back to driving.
While we’re at it maybe thin the over aggressive gene pool a little.
Bonus if the spike gets longer the closer you get to the car in front of you or more MPH you go over the speed limit.
It’s like the opposite of an airbag.
I call it the Safety Spike.
So hear me out, right it’s like a lease, but it’s really cheap, but then you have to have your bank account, credit card and stool sample linked to the cloud, but then you just have a subscription for all the features, like 10¢ per mile, or 15¢ if you want to toast your buns with the seat heater.
But, that just sounds like a subscription rental, here’s the best part, it’s a guaranteed multi year contract, and the manufacturer still technically owns the equipment. Repairs at the cost of the contract holder, of course.
…Sorry, you said Blackstone was the next left?
So… like a car loan from Uber?
A Nissan Juke with a long nose like a Jag E-Type, full of engine.
I do think more cars should also be offered as convertibles too, even small crossovers. Manufacturing is so much better than it was years ago, so sawing off a top wouldn’t be that much worse than owning a 90s convertible in most cases.
Intake and exhaust valves that open and close with computer controlled electric actuators. Infinitely adjustable valve timing and duration!!
Didn’t koennigseggegegeegeg do this?
Picture the 1200cc V-4 in the Yamaha VMax – fairly compact, 140+hp.
I want to figure out a way to lock the clutch together so it can’t slip, put the transmission in first gear…
and machine a coupling to connect the output shaft of the Yamaha to the input of an air-cooled VW Beetle transmission.
Bickety-bam, you’ll have a really fast Beetle that uses an upgraded VW transmission and clutch and sounds wicked.
Bonus: does 1st gear on the VMax make the overall drive ratio too low? Pop it into second or third and give your Beetle really long legs.
Note: I have done absolutely no calculations or measurements of any kind for this idea and my co-pilot cat ran away.
“(or at least assless chaps)”
Chaps are always assless.
Otherwise they’d be called “pants”.
That said – I’ve often thought that car seats are too thick, complex and heavy. They take up too much space, and they retain heat or cold (and dirt) when you want exactly the opposite.
But take an Aeron or X Chair – and mount them inside the car instead. Light weight, thinner frames for more legroom, natural ventilation, and easily adjustable lumbar and height without complex electronics – just a single track on the floor for each front seat (rather than two) on which to mount the pedestal and adjust fore/aft. Allow it to spin when you want – such as exiting the vehicle, or facing the rear to attend to kids in back – and lock it in forward facing mode when it’s time to drive.
Bonus: The frames and mesh surfaces can be manufactured from recycled plastics.
Bonus 2: And they’re super-easy to clean.
Concept cars have been revisiting that idea for decades. Saw one in person at GM late 90s, and even had a small roll of the stretchy mesh in my shop. I believe crash testing kept them from going production.
Citroen 2CV has entered the chat.
Been there done that! I bought a raggety ’64? VW Baha bug that was abandoned behind a gas station cheap. Fixed the distributor to get it to run. The floorboards under the seats basically didn’t exist. There were 2x4s spanning the holes on each side screwed to whatever. Captains chairs were sort of attached to the 2x4s. The driver’s seat was just adequate. The passenger however exhibited the behavior you seek. That captain’s chair was of the swivel variety, but lacked any of the features to lock it into any fixed position. So, with a passenger (my fiance at the time, spouse now) in that seat, turns became an active sport trying to maintain any position other than rotate-mode. Fun times! Whooo! on each turn.
Cybertruck cab-chassis. If nobody wants Cybertrucks, maybe they’ll do better in a commercial application. Since the CT is unibody, it would have to be a “uni-frame” like the Jeep Comanche. Think about it. Cybertruck school buses, Cybertruck moving vans, Cybertruck RVs, Cybertruck tow trucks…the list is endless! Of course, commercial buyers would still have to deal with quality and reliability compromises.
AC vents that are designed to have a flexible hose latch on, and be directed anywhere you want. Kind of like the crotch cooler seen earlier this month on this very site! But designed for the car. and not necessarily to chill ones genitalia.
I’ve always wished more vehicles had detachable accessories. I know, they’d break, people would lose them, the safety concerns, but part of me always wonders why can’t the entertainment center come with me to the beach, or why can’t the passenger seat be easily unbolted and removed?
B/c my tastes, I’ve always wished the everyday car firms years back got together and created a standard standard transmission.
Idea would be to defray some of the costs so that many cars could be optioned with one. Nothing fancy, so not for performance stuff, but rather, if you say really liked the Chevy Impala, but why can’t I get a manual damnit, you actually could!
You could build one for the ZF 8-speed and cover a lot of vehicles. 🙂
Rubber roads, concrete tires for areas that frequently ice over, they clear themselves. Shut Up! I was 8 and immediately knew it was stupid.
Well first of all I was against the butt wedge. I mean you are on a date you have to fart you squeeze to prevent and all of a sudden your breaks are locking up and the guy behind you slams into your car. Is this something you can risk?
My dangerous idea still not sure if it is bad or brilliant is inventing an amphibious vehicle based on a motorcycle and a waverunner. Yeah amphibious cars suck but a motorcycle with airtight front frames and cargo pods a tilt forward rudder on the front tire to steer and an air ramp to propel seems a good idea
As a dad with young kids, I’ve had a fair amount of ideas around having a toilet in the car to handle the inevitable “I have to go potty” 10 minutes into a trip when you explicitly told them to go before we left and they refused.
While handy in concept, none of them really work:
A cassette toilet built into a second-row captain’s chair
Pro: packaging lends itself to supporting toilet infrastructureCon: inevitably whatever kid needs to use it won’t be already sitting on it, requiring some musical chairs
Central vacuum style system with ports near each seat and short retractable hoses for liquid collection.
Pro: Can be used by any passenger while the vehicle is in motionCon: kids can’t be trusted with hoses, anatomic challenges, doesn’t solve #2s
Adding public restrooms to vehicle navigation points of interest
Pro: a software fix for a hardware problem, can be used in any vehicleCon: needs to be kept updated, requires very dense mapping to be effective (a restroom 2 hours away doesn’t help).
Maybe on a three row suv
“A cassette toilet built into a second-row captain’s chair”
That needs to go in a trailer. Or at least on a trailer hitch mount. Not for use while in motion, obvs.
Camel back head cushion refillable liquid holder with straw. With matching bladder buddy seat cushion liquid holder. No need for cup holders or stopping for breaks, just don’t get the liquids mixed up when refilling/emptying….
For my senior marketing project in college in 1992 I imagined a system that I called Emergency Alert which would contact first responders automatically in the case of an airbag deployment and advise them as to your exact location using GPS.
OnStar came out in 1996.
So no, you are not getting any ideas from me, no sir.
(For what it’s worth, I got an A on it, but I always wonder if my professor was on the OnStar development team.)
When I graduated college in 1986 I interviewed with the local McDonald’s franchise for a marketing position. At the time they advertised one sandwich on sale for the whole month. I suggested they allow any large sandwiches at regular price and discount the fries and drink if bought together for a discount. I wasn’t hired yet the combo meal is available every where. Don’t complain to me about your cute idea I should be worth billions.
Replacing my CD player with a “Bluetooth media player” that only works about half the time and requires constant re-pairing.
Too soon?
Sorry, my Brain Game ranges somewhere between the Scarecrow from Oz and MC 900 Foot Jesus.
Better than the guy in “Adventures in Failure”