There I was, casually browsing the Internet, on the hunt for the next big story, when I came across a Twitter post. Some berk was selling some aftermarket wheels to suit a Tesla Model 3 or Model Y. And they had dicks on them. So far, so mundane. And yet, as the day went on, I kept coming back. There was something about these dicks that was drawing me in.
The wheels were shared on Twitter by @horsepower. A seller named “Rod Knee” had listed them on Facebook Marketplace in Brewster, New York, along with a number of more conventional wheels. They were bright, obnoxious, and eye-catching. The seller claimed to have paid $3,850 for them, and was asking $1,500. The ad stated the various wheels had been custom-machined to suit the 2018-2024 Model 3 and Model Y. The wheels were 20-inchers, and a girthy 8.5 inches wide. Despite this, we’re told they’re roughly five pounds lighter than Tesla’s factory rims!
Okay, so someone bought some joke wheels for their Tesla, and now they want to get rid of them. Simple, right? But then I tripped upon a mystery. Take a journey around the Internet, and it’s as if these wheels never existed. So what the heck is going on?
Interestingly, the same set of wheels is also listed on Craigslist. Though there, the owner claims to have paid $4,150 for the set, and is asking $1,800 for all four with TPMS installed, or $1,600 without.
If you search for “dick wheels” or “penis wheels” or “dong wheels,” you’ll find a bunch of results on Google Image search. Two main images will turn up. The first is a shot of a penis wheel on a black background, seemingly some kind of sale image. Most of them just lead to banal forum discussions about “what wheels should I put on my car,” with fellow posters responding with the dong wheels as a joke.
The second image is a screenshot from the final episode of golden-era Top Gear. In season 22, episode 8, Jeremy Clarkson showed up with penis wheels fitted to his Vauxhall Frontera. This spawned a few Reddit posts, including one where a user sought the source of these wheels for themself.
By this point, I’ve learned little. I know that someone bought these wheels relatively recently for their Tesla, but the seller hadn’t responded to give me more information. I know that the same style of wheel existed prior to 2015, based on its appearance on Top Gear. The earliest forum posts of the wheel that I could find date back as early as 2004. Meanwhile, I can find no evidence of any contemporary or historic sellers or manufacturers of this wheel!
This, to me, is mysterious. If these wheels were produced by some notable wheel manufacturer, they’d be online somewhere. Other novelty wheels are easy to track down, after all, like Ronal Teddy Bears or the ultra-rare Mazda 121 Haribo gummy-bear wheels. But the dong rims? They’re like ghosts!
No dead links to old eBay listings. Nothing on AliExpress. Nothing on Google Shopping. Nothing on Yahoo Japan auctions (though I can’t read or write Japanese). My searches have been fruitless. Poring over the Facebook Marketplace ad hasn’t gotten me any further. The seller refers to them as “J7 wheel, otherwise know as the dogbone wheel” but those search terms have gotten me nowhere.
As a side note, searches for these wheels are complicated by the development of a new product. Tons of dropshippers are now selling dong-shaped valve stem caps, and they crowd out any searches you make in this regard.
All I can guess is that these are the kind of wheels that show up in low-rent car parts stores. Perhaps ordered from some cheap Chinese catalogue full of cheap wholesale wheels. Even then, I’d still expect them to show up on Alibaba, but they’re not there to my knowledge. Either that, or these wheels are being custom made for customers who are willing to throw away cash for a laugh. Plausible, given the geometry is simple enough to recreate, but wild if so. Who’s dropping multiple bands for custom dong rims?
Basically, these dick wheels do not seem to have been sold, either now or in the past. And yet they exist. I’ll continue digging, and I hope you will too. Perhaps together, we can find the dicks we’re looking for.
Update: I’m glad to say we’ve had not one, but multiple breaks in the story! Overnight, the seller of these wheels reached out to me. As a few of you in the comments had realized, “MAX FORGED” wasn’t just some generic center cap. It was the name of a small wheel manufacturing operation based out of New York. My early searches for that term just turned up random forged wheels, so I’d missed it.
In any case, Rod Knee’s response confirmed one thing for us: Max Forged made dick wheels. “Hello Lewin!” read the message. “I have a small forged wheel company, Max Forged Wheels, so I made them myself.” That explains it! Or… does it?
Here’s the thing. Some of you had more luck hunting down dick wheels from other sellers. The problem with finding them appears to be that nobody wants to call them dick wheels in the open. Down in the comments, J3FFER50N found these “rose” wheels from Jova Wheels, a Chinese wholesaler. They appear very similar, right down to the pink finish, and can be ordered in a wide variety of fitments. Notably, the “FORGED” writing on the center cap seems to match that of “MAX FORGED” on Rod Knee’s wheels.
So, ultimately, we’ve finally found one manufacturer of dick rims. We can also say that maybe Rod Knee is making these in New York under the “MAX FORGED” name, or maybe they’re just ordering them from Jova.
Plus, someone had some custom made in Dubai, but it’s all top secret. Because of course it is.
We still don’t know who built the first set of dick rims, but it seems certain they date back to the dawn of the 21st century or even earlier. Perhaps digging up some old European car accessory catalogs might fill in more of the history of these incredibly unique hideous abominations.
Image credits: Facebook Marketplace, Top Gear via YouTube screenshot, Google Images screenshot, Jova Wheels
Really kind of wonder what women would think of someone rolling up with these on the car. I can’t tell if women have commented here or not.
When your primary goal in life is to impress six year old boys.
Well.
Guess the Ronal Teddy Bear wheels mark one side of the dynamic range, eh?
:scott:
Doug’s got the scoop!
Y’know, if these don’t actually exist, then I’m fine with that. Perfectly fine.