While carmakers keep trying to be “tech companies” or “micromobility providers,” the inverse is happening, with tech companies at least trying to add cars to their portfolio. Apple went on its own quixotic adventure and burned through billions of dollars trying to create a car before giving up. Sony, smartly, teamed up with Honda to create Afeela. Ineos, the chemical conglomerate, has built a vehicle.
In China, this is an even bigger deal, with tech companies like Xiaomi building successful cars. Even with how difficult it’s become to create new cars, a lot of people are trying it. It makes sense that tech companies might try given that the future is supposedly “software-defined vehicles.”
Still, if I want a company making a car that isn’t already a carmaker I’m looking for a few criteria:
- A company with great engineering.
- A company with timeless design.
- A company that won’t make something annoyingly complex.
I am, of course, thinking about BiC. Imagine a simple, elegant car called the BiC Crystal. It would be a straightforward, cheap design that would never let you down. And BiC already has a history with cars!
It just makes sense to me.
Now that I’ve taken BiC, who would you like to see try to build a car?
Rolex? It would last forever, run without fuel or batteries, but you would have to drive it regularly or else you’d need to shake it to get it to restart.
But when it needed repairs or servicing, oh boy.
Actually, factoring in the initial cost, the one service in nearly 40 years, and the longevity, you’d be way better off with a Rolex car. If it’s gold, though, it might be a bit too heavy, and any body shop work would be an expensive pain in the ass.
Man an Alessi car would sure be pretty
As long as there’s a little bird hood ornament.
I want a car built to run and last like a kitchen-aid stand mixer.
I’d say DeWalt, but we already have Toyota for cars that are styled like drills.
I’d say Apple, but Lexus already has the “default nice car” market cornered.
I’d say Samsung, but the Bolt already did battery fires.
I’d say Amazon, but Tesla is already doing a stellar job in the “we treat our workforce like shit” and “there’s literally nothing we can do that would make you stop spending your money here” sectors.
I’d say Hewlett-Packard, but BMW already has already done the death by subscription thing.
I’d say Keurig, but Nissan already makes mediocre products nobody really wants.
I’d say LaCroix, but Audi already has bland and barely recognizable covered.
I’d say Craftsman, but Mercedes-Benz has the “this name used to actually mean something” market cornered.
I’d say Microsoft, but Mitsubishi already makes questionable cars that make me angry.
I’d say the US Government, but we already have GM.
I’d say Costco, but…wait. I might actually be in for that. Can I get a hotdog?
I wanna see a “PSC” Playstation Car, maybe with an Inbuilt PS5 Pro.
Patagonia. Joking, the Patagonia “car” would be bus pass made out of recycled tires and cost 3x as much as the bus pass you buy at the station made out of paper.
On second thought… Victorinox, they’d build models ranging from a subcompact that fits anywhere to a massive version that fits a whole plethora of capabilities. It wouldn’t be the best vehicle at anything, but it’d be the best all-around and be capable of virtually everything.
Gorilla Car.
In the same vein as Gorilla Glue, Gorilla Tape etc.
It wouldn’t be particularly fast, or refined, or luxurious… But it would make those old federal 5mph bumpers look like a joke.
I dunno: if it’s like their tape, you’d have to park it inside. Otherwise, after a couple years, all you’ll have is some fibers and bits of sticky residue….
Icon Tools: Half the price of the highest quality brands (Toyota and Honda) and almost as good in every meaningful way.
A Dyson plugin hybrid! Something that’s unique, with far-out-there engineering. It’d be expensive, but imagine if it had one of those headrests which would straighten your hair, or a seatbelt that would iron out the wrinkles on your clothes and steam-clean them. And of course, the car would come with multiple clip-on accessories for different uses. Need to haul furniture? We’ve got a fitting for that.
And at the end of the day, you’d just back into the proprietary wall-mounted charging unit.
Come on, Sir James!
And if champion-of-British-industry Dyson is behind it, you know it’ll be manufactured anywhere but the UK, and the profits will end up offshore.
Singapore, in fact:
https://www.topgear.com/car-news/electric/heres-video-dyson-ev-very-nearly-made-it
Well, Dyson did try this all-electric car, but ended up abandoning it.
Chipotle – burritos are a timeless design with great engineering and they are definitely not annoyingly complex. They would make great quality cars at a reasonable price and let you customize the interior extensively to suit your taste and budget.
Some ideas based on excellent engineering, timeless design, and simplicity: Braun, Miele, Bang & Olufsen, Patagonia, Dyson, IKEA (not self assembled)
Kirkland Signature aka Costco.
Buy name brand cars that are factory debadged except for relevant badging (AWD, 4WD, etc.) and sell them for cheap.
Well, since BMW started making cars a while ago, how about Ducati?
I’m ignoring that it’s owned by Lamborghini now.
Steel trellis frames, desmodromic valves, 90° V engines with sexy exhaust notes – think an Alpine A110 or Lotus Elise or Emira (do they even make that?), but in Tricolore paint.
Ooh, another!
REI. They’ll out-Outback the Outback.
I’d like to see Bianchi return to cars just so they would paint them the iconic Bianchi Celeste with a little Italian flag on the fender, and Campagnolo wheels
I would love to see what the engineers of Newport News Shipbuilding or Bath Iron Works would come up with designing an automobile. Give them two projects one sort of specced out race car, and the other project would just be “build whatever automobile you want to!” and let them go crazy.
John Deere. They already have the engineering know-how, production facilities, dealer network, and an iconic brand. A John Deere truck would likely become the top contender for the F-150 as America’s favorite vehicle.
Bosch. They already made everything anyway. Good quality, good build, good parts availability. I’d trust em to make a car.
Ikea. Stylish minimalist designs, reasonable prices, emphasis on sustainability, parts availability, ease of repair/assembly.
yeah i’m pretty sure bosch makes everything that is not just huge chunks of metal.
Given the header image (BiC) I can’t believe nobody has suggested a pen company… Uni would be my pick but Pentel/Zebra/Pilot all have that precision Japanese engineering. Mont Blanc could design a hell of a car, perhaps.
Lamy! Especially the Lamy Tipo, inexpensive, well engineered and smooth!
I don’t know if i trust hasbro to make a whole car they have problems as it is making card games.
Really impractical, but how about Eggo?
Comes in a simple yellow box. Doesn’t take much to own (or make). Maybe a few different flavors – waffle, pancake, French toast.
They already have the big corporations on board with Disney themes.
Instructions even a kid can follow. Consistent and simple.
that would open pandora’s box of the entire Kellogg cinematic universe. Pringles car? The poptart truck ….. K ration van …
Some sort of power tool company, let’s say Ryobi because I love the green and grey aesthetic. Simple, durable EVs with standardised swappable battery packs.
THE AUTOPIAN!
Boeing, because it would be non-stop suspense and excitement. Is it going to start today? Is the door going to fall off and eject me out onto the Interstate? Is it going to randomly spray gasoline all over the interior? Is it just going to make a persistent weird noise the dealer can’t find? Or, is it going to be extremely reliable and work without incident for 50 years straight? WTF knows, its a Boeing, anything can happen.
Only Boeing can make an Airbus seem reliable.