One of my favorite emotions is bafflement. Well, a particular, specific kind of bafflement where whatever I’m baffled by carries no real consequence to my life, and is just sort of happily puzzling. I’m pleased to say I have encountered something that provides me with a nice, intense sense of bafflement, and I’m going to share it with all of you right now. It’s an eight-minute commercial (short film?) made in 1987 for the Suzuki Swift. I cannot figure out why the hell this video was shot or how Suzuki thought it would sell cars, or even exactly who it was for, because despite being in a number of very specific and very exaggerated American English dialects, we never got this generation of Swift badged as a Suzuki.
We only got these as Chevrolet Sprints, and then for the generation after the one in this ad, we got them as Geo Metros. But no Suzuki Swifts! You’ll also note the Swift, which is giant, has a European-style number plate.
More importantly, though, you need to watch this thing. It seems to take place in some imagined rural America, likely somewhere in the South, based on the wildly overdone accents. President Reagan shows up in here, too! Look, set aside eight minutes and just watch this thing:
What the hell did you just watch, you may be asking yourself, and I’m not sure I can answer that. It’s way too long to be a normal commercial, right? There is a version cut down to the minute, and this seems to be from the Netherlands, where I believe this ad actually ran, being a production of he Klein & Partners ad agency. Here’s the shorter, more commercial-length version:
So, the conceit here is that there is a colossal Suzuki Swift that is driving, quite fast – which is noted multiple times – on some rural Southern highways, and everyone is terrified. There does not appear to be any driver in the massive Swift, which I suppose is something to be thankful for, but the un-crewed massive Suzuki is treated as a significant threat to the population, and a whole army division is involved, complete with tanks and other formidable weaponry, and at one point even the Ronald Reagan character casually suggests that maybe nuclear weapons could be employed against the humongous hatchback, but a more level-headed army sergeant declines to accept the use of nukes.
There’s some good period cars, of course, like that K-Car and the 1954 Chevy cop car up there. The giant Swift causes a lot of panic, and its intent is assumed to be hostile, even though no attempts are made to communicate with the car to determine its goals or motives.
People are attempting to flee with televisions and other belongings, and there’s special attention paid to an elderly man unable to start his large GM wagon. The military is deployed, and finds its tanks are unable to stop the massive economy car, which rolls right through the tank’s fire. President Reagan calls in the air force to attack it from above, until at the last moment he notices, somehow, that the gigantic Suzuki is heading towards a dealer, which somehow makes everything okay?
Man, Reagan’s America sure was a weird-ass place. Aside from it being referenced as being “larger than your average UFO, more reliable than John Wayne” and “more dangerous than Sylvester Stallone (in Rocky III)” in a stirring if idiotic speech from the drill sergeant, the car is hardly discussed or described at all.
Is this how Dutch people saw Americans? I mean, it’s not so far off, really. And was an all-English commercial something that was common on Dutch television at the time?
A few years later, there was a similar ad from 1992, where three giant Suzukis emerge from space, scare some astronauts, and then do their usual thing of freaking out yokels before landing at some airstrip in what looks like the Southwest?
What a wonderfully strange way to sell cars, Suzuki. To Dutch people, it seems. With the crudest American stereotypes and a giant version of a small car. Maybe this worked! Maybe Suzuki’s problems in America were because we lacked bonkers crap like this? Who knows? I guess just enjoy this very strange ride.
I’ve driven my fair share of Suzuki’s (including today), and I’ve never known them to be giant, or fast. In fact, I think they are known for the exact opposite of those characteristics.
Do the Japanese ever make films about anything except giant monsters?
I’ve heard they make lots of animated films that involve tentacles.
This is what you get when Suzuki execs misunderstood the meaning of the old line, “If you ain’t Dutch, you ain’t much”. The ad agency happily delivered and took the money.
OK OK OK, I think I get it: they’re tiny Suzukis, and they’re moving…slow?? Right guys?
I simply can’t believe this did not go over better than it did. Prior to this morning, my favorite movie was Blues Brothers, I now have a new favorite.
Well, I guess turnabout is fair play after America had to suffer through all of those stereotypical Dutch commercials that made everyone look like a socially liberal and fiscally pragmatic citizen with a strong work ethic and live-and-let-live attitude. Man, that was exhausting.
As if everyone just wants to work until 7pm on a Friday before having exactly two Heinekens and enjoying some family-friendly improv at a Leidseplein theatre with his wife and 2 children.
Come on.
We did get the Suzuki Swift twin of the first Geo Metro in the US until 1994 or so, but generally in higher trim levels than available in the Geo I think. There was a hot-ish hatch 16v one too.
Attack of the Giant Suzukis is one of the movies MST3K would have love to have gotten their hands on.
It’s Dutch. That’s more than enough of an explanation.
Not since deToqueville have Europeans(maybe??) so beautifully and accurately captured the very essence of America. I was doubtful that this would be worth 8 minutes of my life, I was so wrong. “We’re fighting for our mothers-in-law” (paraphrase) just killed me.
This is quite prescient. The Swift represents Taylor.
I could only get about half way through it, then the high school production value overwhelmed me and I had to turn it off.
That really doesn’t look like something a professional ad agency would produce, even back in the ’80s. Wow.
I was thinking, given a ridiculous amount of resources, this is something a group of high schoolers would have put on their local public access cable channel back in the day.
Ah, public access TV! Where I learned that rock-n-roll was Satan’s voice.
You rock, Satan!!!
That was awesome. I love how it says at the beginning that it’s taking place in rural Tennessee, but the sign says San Antonio is 113 miles, meaning it has to be in TX.
Yeah, growing up in San Antone, this really spoilt the realism of the film. I just couldn’t get into it after such an egregious oversight. Even after the hyper-realistic portrayal of the sgt. calling intellectuals “pinko commies.”
Haha yeah that was for sure the only unrealistic thing. The Swift really is that big, and impervious to all harm, and it totally floats while driving, but dammit! San Antonio is not in or near Tennessee!
So baffled with a tinge of amusement?
Maybe your favourite feeling is bemusement?
Well, that was a waking dream. I’ll leave the interpretation to others.
At around 5:54, the Giant Suzuki appears to be doing that slight crabwalk the old RWD X-bodies did after they aged a bit. Also, does a ’54 Chevy really look like that next to a K-car, size-wise? That’s all I got.
I saw that too. Definitely not driving straight there!
“President Reagan calls in the air force to attack it from above”
Not just any Air Force but the good ‘old boys of the FRENCH air force! Ooh la la!
(At least I think the markings on those jets are French, it’s hard to see in that blurtastic discount stock footage.)
Definitely not the USAF since they have never flown Mirages, Mitsubishi or Dassault.
Jason – in Re: the cold start graphic – How about a variety of them, each with a different car’s temp gauge, selected randomly each day? I’m sure that you’re not at all busy and have plenty of time to research and whip up a bunch of different graphical elements!