I’ve been out for a bit, as we’ve had Labor Day and I had to spend a bit more time in a stupid hospital, but now that’s all over! I’m back! We’re back! So that means it’s time again to have an archaic Commodore PET computer pick a random page from the 2005 book, The World’s Worst Cars, written by Craig Cheetham, and then defend and redeem the car shown on that page, because I maintain that Mr.Cheetham has created a book not of The World’s Worst Cars, as the title claims, but rather of some of the World’s More Interesting Cars. Most of the cars in this book – perhaps all – do not deserve to be trapped in between the covers of this deceitful tome. And I’m going to redeem them, one by one. So let’s do it!
There’s only one right way to do this, of course, and that’s to have my Commodore PET pick a random page, via a small program in BASIC that chooses a random number between 1 and 317.
As always, I’ve typed in this little basic program (one day I really need to get the cassette recorder working on this thing) to pick the random page, so let’s see what we get:
Page 165! What unfairly maligned machine lurks on page 165?
The Lancia Beta! A charming, exciting car! But, yes, it has some problems, so let’s just tackle those first.
Now, I’ve heard this car maligned for, mostly, one primary sin: rust. A 1980 story in the UK newspaper The Daily Mirror titled “Luxury Cars in Rust Riddle” kicked off most of the scandal, and while the Beta definitely had rust problems – like so many cars of the 1970s did – the media uproar seesm to have been a bit exaggerated, and we all know that such things are absolutely possible. Just ask an Audi 5000 about “phantom acelleration” or a Suzuki Samaurai about rolling over. There were seeds of truth, but it wasn’t quite the scandal it was made out to be.
The general consensus now is that the rust tales were overstated, and rumors of sub-par Soviet steel being used were simply never proven. It’s well put by this commenter on Curbside Classic:
“The rust issue regarding the Beta has been wildly exaggerated; while true the fist series cars built into ’75 had a poorly designed subframe that would corrode faster than expected, later cars did not. The poor reputation the Beta faced came from a news report from the UK Daily Mirror in 1980, showing used up and rusty 7 year old cars in junkyards they claimed “were only two years old”. Tale as old as time, fabricate a story and sell it. Yes, they can rust, equally as bad as any car circa 1977. Are they worse? Doubtful.”
Sure, that’s just some guy on the internet, but isn’t that all of us, really, and it is some guy who actually gives a shit about the Lancia Beta, so, screw it, I’m including his very rational-sounding comment here. Lancia themselves issued a recall, which involved a “diagnostic check” that consisted of a technician whacking the front subframe with a hammer. If it collapsed, Lancia would buy the car back and crush it, if not, they’d wish you well and send you on your way. Over 500 Betas were bought back via this program.
Here’s a news report from the era about the recall program:
So, okay, the early Lancia Betas did have rust problems. Again, they were hardly unique in this aspect, and the allegations of the engines dropping out were never actually confirmed. As the somewhat fussy PR guy reminds us, there are still two more engine mounts holding the engine in, after all.
Okay, so that’s the best I can give Craig. It has some well-publicized rust problems, sure. But everything else about this car seems pretty fantastic.
It was the first Lancia built under Fiat ownership, and the Beta came in a shocking number of body variants, including a four-door sedan that looked like a hatchback but wasn’t one, a sedan that looked like a sedan, a coupé that didn’t look like a hatchback and wasn’t, the HPE that was shooting brake and I suppose also a hatchback, because it had one, and the Lancia Scorpion, a sports car version, and even a rally-winning mid-engine version.
Incredibly, I think all of these versions looked fantastic, especially the shooting-brake-style HPE (High Performance Estate) version:
Look what reviews of the era said about the car, like The Motor:
“There are no cars in the class that are more fun to drive along twisty roads, nor any that create more interest among bystanders.”
That’s great praise! Lancia developed the all-around MacPhearson strut suspension, featuring “a unique rear set-up using the anti-roll bar as fore-aft location alongside twin transverse links,” which is all to say that all of the Betas were, at least on some level, drivers’ cars, meant to be rewarding and exciting to drive, even the more mundane family-hauler variants.
The Beta seems to be one of those cars doomed to getting a bad rap from lazy writers who don’t really want to actually look into anything, or find out the truth. I’m trying to do that thing where I cough and it sounds like a word, in this case “Craig!” as in the Worst Cars in the World author Craig Cheetham, but I always kind of hated that trope, so I’m just going to say, Craig, you were lazy. This guy agrees:
Sure. the Beta had its well-known Achilles’ heel, but overall, these seem like genuinely appealing cars, and I don’t think they belong in this shameful tome.
In America, they weren’t particularly well-known, though we did get the sporty Targa-top version here as the Scorpion, which is featured in the somewhat ridiculous 1977 Disney movie, Herbie Goes To Monte Carlo:
There’s only one other significant pop-culture appearance of a Lancia Beta that Americans may be aware of, and that was in the deeply weird 1981 Chevy Chase movie about radioactive waste and its joys and dangers, Modern Problems:
Oh, and I used a non-running and pixel-modified Lancia Beta Scorpion as the car for an amphitheater-based way to play 8-bit Pole Position at the Indianapolis Museum of Art back in 2015:
I’m not sure if that helps or hurts the car’s status in this Worst Cars book, but hopefully it won’t harm it much.
Finally, look at this incredible dashboard some of the later Betas had:
How can you condemn a car with a dash like that into the purgatory of this miserable book?
The Beta is a deeply under-appreciated car. So many people just won’t bother getting past the rust-tarnished reputation, and refuse to see the charming, practical car underneath, practical and engaging to drive.
So, I say, once again, you’re wrong, Craig. This car is not one of the worst in the world. I guess we’ll just keep trying.
‘World’s Worst Cars’ Book Redemption: Lotus Elite
World’s Worst Cars’ Book Redemption: Proton Wira
‘World’s Worst Cars’ Book Redemption: Maserati Biturbo
At first glance, I love that dashboard design. But devoting a whole third of it to warning lights seems like a bad omen.
I had a 1981 Beta Zagato (Spider in Europe) as my second car. I learned so much about working on cars from owning it.
Though not particularly powerful, and not exactly light weight, it was a delight to drive. The suspension was comfortable and the handling was excellent. The engine had a nice torque curve which made it pleasant to use in traffic. There were different ways to configure the convertible roof, which made it easy to do open air motoring in a broad range of conditions.
My first car had been a 1981 Fiat Spider with the same engine and fuel injection, and had been much more reliable. The controls in the Lancia felt much more upmarket than in the Fiat.
Reliability aside, there were other drawbacks. Rear visibility was terrible with the top up. There wasn’t a well thought out storage location for the targa top.
I almost bought a second hand HPE when I was about 21. I didn’t want to deal with the already extant rust reputation.
I bought a used Fiat 128SL instead…great fun, but dead in a year.
Why do the inboard-only headlamps appear to be lit on the two cars facing the camera in the ad from the Netherlands? Early DRLs?
I saw a few of those in California, where rust isn’t nearly as big on an issue unless you live within a few hundred feet of the ocean. Or are stupid enough to drive on a beach.
And yeah, that’s a very cool instrument panel.
That dash is amazing…Craig is an idiot…I’m guessing it’s a given now to “rip the page out”
I’ve always like the Beta, and I’d have one if I felt good about parts. (I’d have a Delta first, but those are getting pricy). The Beta is a pretty car, a good size, and just enough power. But I fear what happens when it breaks and it’s very difficult to find one that’s not rotten. I agree that it was unfairly maligned in the book, but it’s a fact that it’s difficult to find a good one now.
As well as the dash, the seats look great, certainly the coupe seats I’ve seen in avocado green, or mustard yellow, or orange. Very 70s in the best way.
I think the Beta’s sedan that looked like a hatchback is very ugly, but if I remember correctly that is the one with a cool back seat. Did we only get 2 door cars in the U.S.
My dad had a Beta Zagato convertible, and while parts were few and far between (and expensive), it was a fun car to drive. He always wanted another one even with the headaches the first one caused.
The real scandal was the secret garage under a pizzeria in Milan where Lancias would go to consume the fluids of young FIATs in order to extend their warranties.
Ah yes, the Milanese Cometa Ping-Pong scandal.
I had the fun of driving a Lancia Beta Coupe from Washington DC to Savannah Georgia in the summer of ’77. The gearshift was a total joy. The fuel injection system, however, was not!
I think maybe first Lancia designed under FIAT? Fulvias were definitely built under FIAT ownership.
Also, wow that dash is amazing! How did I miss this until now?
I had the Zagato version of that car- it was great until I spun a bearing at 37000km and the seats fell apart, and the roof leaked and the springs broke, and umm hey it was a POS
Oh. My. God. Becky: look at those bumpers…
I love big bumpers and I can not lie.
Who would have expected that it would be Torch telling us that rust isn’t such a big deal, and not DT?
Who else is waiting for the first time the Pet repeats a previous pick, to see how Jason writes it up?
Also, if this feature continues long enough, someone could do a pool on which car gets the highest number of repeat picks by the assumedly impartial but conceivably covertly collusive Commodore.
Ha, was thinking the same thing this morning. My BASIC programming is pretty rusty but couldn’t he could add a line 15 IF P = a or b or c… (previous picks) THEN GOTO 10 to avoid repeats?
It already happened, I can’t remember which article he mentioned it. He just hit the button again.
The Mario Bellini-designed dashboard is just fantastic. I’m pretty sure it’s not the most rational way to make a dashboard, and I’d hate to clean it, but just look at it!
The eccentric steering wheel spokes blow my mind.
Should also point out that the Lancia Beta is fully capable of driving across the Makgadikgadi in Botswana with only minor modifications.
I’ll remember that next time I’m in Botswana….
“Bring me the Lancia!”