It’s time again to have an archaic Commodore PET computer pick a random page from the 2005 book, The World’s Worst Cars, written by Craig Cheetham, and then defend and redeem the car shown on that page, because I maintain that Mr.Cheetham has created a book not of The World’s Worst Cars, as the title claims, but rather of some of the World’s More Interesting Cars. Most of the cars in this book – perhaps all – do not deserve to be trapped in between the covers of this deceitful tome. And I’m going to redeem them, one by one. So let’s go.
Let’s start like we always do, by keying in this simple BASIC program to pick a random number between 1 and 317, the number of pages in the book. Is anyone noticing I’m starting to copy and paste these introductory and explanatory paragraphs? I hope not.
I don’t have a working cassette recorder for the PET, so I have to type it in every time. It’s okay, it’s just two lines:
Page 310! Near the end of the book! Okay, let’s see what lives on page 310:
Craig. CRAIG. Are you kidding me, here? The Toyota Crown?
I mean, maybe, maybe if he picked the first-generation Toyopet Crown this would make sense, because that car actually was sort of an abject failure. Here’s what I wrote about that car back in October 2022:
As you read this, I’m on my way to a Toyota event to drive the new Crown, a name that hasn’t been in the US since 1972, partially because the first car Toyota sold in America was called the Toyopet Crown, and it was an affable but slow and awkward loser that Toyota’s own sales administrator for the US said was “underpowered, overpriced and it won’t sell.” That’s a pretty high bar for Toyota to clear with the new Crown’s re-introduction to The Land Of The Free Drink Refills, but I bet they can pull it off.
I would have accepted that first Crown as a Worst Car, because it sort of was; woefully unsuited for the job it was supposed to do, and the company that made it freely admits it. But that’s not the Crown that Craig picked; Craig specified the third generation Crown, from 1967 to 1971 (Craig says these were until 1974, but the fourth-gen started in 1971).
The third-gen Crown was a pretty conventionally-engineered car, featuring an inline-four engine and also a couple of inline-sixes, one of which made a very respectable-for-the-era 125-ish horsepower. These weren’t weird cars, they were conservative, careful Toyotas, and their styling reflected the same sort of trends that you would see in American cars of the era. Honestly, you could probably have slapped Rambler badges on this thing and most people wouldn’t have done even the slightest of double-takes.
I mention this because Mr.Cheetham’s text goes out of its way to call the Crown ugly, stating
“Toyota went to town on the Crown – and in the process created what was one of the most unharmonious, repulsive shapes ever to disgrace our roads…”
Wait, what? The hell are you talking about, Craig? I mean, the Crown isn’t breathtaking, but it is hardly “one of the most unharmonious, repulsive shapes ever to disgrace our roads!” What are you looking at, Craig?
I’m sorry, that’s just not that bad. It’s totally fine! I mean, look at American cars from the same era:
Really, is the Crown somehow significantly more hideous than the Ford or Oldsmobile? No! They’re all basically fine, all three of them, all with their own design strengths and weaknesses, but to single out the Crown as being somehow this shockingly repulsive example is ludicrous.
Plus, the Crown came in a lot of different body styles, including a pickup!
These are cool! They’re not the most exciting late ’60s/early ’70s car, but they’re fine!
Craig also gripes about the Crown’s interior, but, again, I’m just not seeing anything so wildly different from anything else of the era:
You have no idea what you’re talking about, Craig. In fact, while the Crown nameplate was used in America, it was during this generation that the most were sold, over 6,500 of them.
The third-gen Toyota Crown was absolutely fine. Not amazing, but in no way the worst of anything, by any metric. Was Craig just trying to fill pages and rushing through things? I have no idea. What I do know is everyone should grab their copy of The World’s Worst Cars and tear out page 310.
Man, this guy!
‘World’s Worst Cars’ Book Redemption: MG Montego
‘World’s Worst Cars’ Book Redemption: Skoda Estelle
‘World’s Worst Cars’ Book Redemption: Excalibur SSK
This post contains an Amazon affiliate link, which means if you buy this book we might get a commission, which is admittedly kinda funny. – Matt.
Torch, you missed a day!
Craig has it comin’
Wow, yeah the Crown was a good car and had a good body style. The interior looked great too! What a fool
Wow. Until this point, I feel like the cars featured had known, obvious flaws. Which isn’t to say they deserved the derision. But this…this does not.
Those old Toyotas were nearly indestructible. My father bought a used 1967 Toyota Corona in 1972. Dad liked to have a few drinks and run into things (thankfully he never hit or hurt anyone else) so Mom forbade him from driving her Cadillac. Within 6 months, every fender on that car was dented. He never once changed the oil or bought a new tire. That old Toyota ran like a champ. It always started, even in below zero weather. She came home from work one day in 1979 and caught him painting it with a brush and house paint. He was ordered to sell it because it had become an eyesore. He bought a brand new Chevy truck that week, trading in the Toyota… we saw it on the road up through 1985. They were great cars.
Toyota Crown?!
Mr Cheetham is just taking the piss now. GTFO Craig.
The later one had some strangeness going on, with the amphibious looking upswept lines, and the double layer lights and grilles occupying the bonnet as well. BUT that’s NOT the one in the book, so doesn’t make sense at all…
Craig’s reputation will be lucky to survive this series with any respectability left.
Worst cars? Toyota facking Crown?
I already want to splash him with a martini at a cocktail party and insult him at his own wedding!