It’s time again to have an archaic Commodore PET computer pick a random page from the 2005 book, The World’s Worst Cars, written by Craig Cheetham, and then defend and redeem the car shown on that page, because I maintain that Mr.Cheetham has created a book not of The World’s Worst Cars, as the title claims, but rather of some of the World’s More Interesting Cars. Most of the cars in this book – perhaps all – do not deserve to be trapped in between the covers of this deceitful tome. And I’m going to redeem them, one by one. So let’s go.
Let’s start like we always do, by keying in this simple BASIC program to pick a random number between 1 and 317, the number of pages in the book. Is anyone noticing I’m starting to copy and paste these introductory and explanatory paragraphs? I hope not.
I don’t have a working cassette recorder for the PET, so I have to type it in every time. It’s okay, it’s just two lines:
Page 310! Near the end of the book! Okay, let’s see what lives on page 310:
Craig. CRAIG. Are you kidding me, here? The Toyota Crown?
I mean, maybe, maybe if he picked the first-generation Toyopet Crown this would make sense, because that car actually was sort of an abject failure. Here’s what I wrote about that car back in October 2022:
As you read this, I’m on my way to a Toyota event to drive the new Crown, a name that hasn’t been in the US since 1972, partially because the first car Toyota sold in America was called the Toyopet Crown, and it was an affable but slow and awkward loser that Toyota’s own sales administrator for the US said was “underpowered, overpriced and it won’t sell.” That’s a pretty high bar for Toyota to clear with the new Crown’s re-introduction to The Land Of The Free Drink Refills, but I bet they can pull it off.
I would have accepted that first Crown as a Worst Car, because it sort of was; woefully unsuited for the job it was supposed to do, and the company that made it freely admits it. But that’s not the Crown that Craig picked; Craig specified the third generation Crown, from 1967 to 1971 (Craig says these were until 1974, but the fourth-gen started in 1971).
The third-gen Crown was a pretty conventionally-engineered car, featuring an inline-four engine and also a couple of inline-sixes, one of which made a very respectable-for-the-era 125-ish horsepower. These weren’t weird cars, they were conservative, careful Toyotas, and their styling reflected the same sort of trends that you would see in American cars of the era. Honestly, you could probably have slapped Rambler badges on this thing and most people wouldn’t have done even the slightest of double-takes.
I mention this because Mr.Cheetham’s text goes out of its way to call the Crown ugly, stating
“Toyota went to town on the Crown – and in the process created what was one of the most unharmonious, repulsive shapes ever to disgrace our roads…”
Wait, what? The hell are you talking about, Craig? I mean, the Crown isn’t breathtaking, but it is hardly “one of the most unharmonious, repulsive shapes ever to disgrace our roads!” What are you looking at, Craig?
I’m sorry, that’s just not that bad. It’s totally fine! I mean, look at American cars from the same era:
Really, is the Crown somehow significantly more hideous than the Ford or Oldsmobile? No! They’re all basically fine, all three of them, all with their own design strengths and weaknesses, but to single out the Crown as being somehow this shockingly repulsive example is ludicrous.
Plus, the Crown came in a lot of different body styles, including a pickup!
These are cool! They’re not the most exciting late ’60s/early ’70s car, but they’re fine!
Craig also gripes about the Crown’s interior, but, again, I’m just not seeing anything so wildly different from anything else of the era:
You have no idea what you’re talking about, Craig. In fact, while the Crown nameplate was used in America, it was during this generation that the most were sold, over 6,500 of them.
The third-gen Toyota Crown was absolutely fine. Not amazing, but in no way the worst of anything, by any metric. Was Craig just trying to fill pages and rushing through things? I have no idea. What I do know is everyone should grab their copy of The World’s Worst Cars and tear out page 310.
Man, this guy!
‘World’s Worst Cars’ Book Redemption: MG Montego
‘World’s Worst Cars’ Book Redemption: Skoda Estelle
‘World’s Worst Cars’ Book Redemption: Excalibur SSK
This post contains an Amazon affiliate link, which means if you buy this book we might get a commission, which is admittedly kinda funny. – Matt.
I think maybe this one was just racism. /s
I bet this book has pages for Dodge Dart, Datsun 510, and Mercedes 240D. Maybe Datsun King Cab, Peugeot 504, and Volvo 245. Man, what terrible cars those all were. But seriously, I resurrected one of those 1970-ish crowns in the early 90’s. That car friggin’ rocked.
Just now noticing the author of The World’s Worst Cars’ surname, and wondering if, perchance, he was part of the legendary law firm of Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe?
Hmph. He’s Cheetham’s wastrel son who’s never had a real job. Daddy’s boy rich kid.
There’s a big solicitor’s firm in Leamington Spa called, and I shit you not, Wright Hassel.
You’ve picked on Craig Cheetham for getting the model years wrong and mixing up the generations, but then you’ve gone and illustrated the article with photos and an advert of the (rather handsome, and considered to be inspired by the Ford Falcon) second-generation model alongside the third!
From what I read of the book saying ‘introduced in 1971’ and ‘over the top with styling […] chrome-encased nose and twin headlights’, my guess is that it’s actually meant to be about the MS60 (fourth generation) model, introduced in 1971 to a lot of controversy because of its very distinctive face:
https://d1uzk9o9cg136f.cloudfront.net/f/16783018/rc/2022/08/07/37a5bce92c80175b43d920528790cdf3e5a64b64_xlarge.jpg
And this generation was really a bit of a failure; the design alienated a lot of the conservative/executive customer base in Japan, fell behind in sales to its Nissan rival, and ended up in production for only four years before being replaced by the more traditional fifth-generation (pictured on the left page of the book).
Given the annotation about the front-end design in the right page, I do wonder if the photos were chosen by an even more clueless person!
Even that MS60 doesn’t look that bad. It reminds me of contemporary Australian domestic sedans, with styling elements that resemble those in US cars of the period but with just enough difference to be a bit jarring to the American eye.
From today’s Commodore picture..
Very happy to see that you spade your PET!
But the second time was maybe redundant and/or gratuitous.
This Craig fella’s goin’ on my LIST.
There’s only person who has a list around here, and it’s me.
It’s official. I called it. This book is bullshit. The Crown was one of the highest quality vehicles you could get in 1968 that didn’t cost half the price of a house
I dunno. The packaging and delivery of disdain, along with the somewhat rando subjects of said disdain scan a bit like a jaundiced design critic haunting this very site.
So you’re saying that…. ::gasp!:: Craig Cheetham had a mental breakdown (perhaps due to internalized guilt for writing this book), shaved his hair into a mohawk, changed his name and dove head-first into the Goth scene, only to emerge years later as car designer and renowned Ferrari-owner Adrian Clarke?
Kind of sounds like a Marvel super-hero (or -villain) origin story! (We luv ya, Adrian!) XD
A bit.
There’s not a big enough advance for me to put my name to a hacky book like this.
Which is why you wrote it under the pen name Craig Cheetham? 😉
So far Craig is coming off as someone who got all his car information from a 14 year old on Tik Tok.
Hardtop and Pickup… I’ll take two of each, please.
I never noticed it before, but that generation of Crown does have a strong whiff of Rambler about it. Someone at Toyota must have been a huge Dick Teague fan – it’s not a knockoff, but it’s definitely a look that says “hey Mr. Teague, I’ve been looking at everything you’ve done and you’re a real inspiration.”
The third generation Corona is pretty ugly, so maybe he was confused? But then I think they’re both famously totally okay cars otherwise.
There’s a wagon version. Obviously this person is blind.
This was the entry that got me heated when I found my copy of this book at my parents house. He used pictures of two different generations of Crown. Which one was the ugly one Craig? They both look fine and comparable to most any other sedan of their respective era.
I’d even go as far as saying that the first gen Crown wasn’t a bad car, it just wasn’t suited to America. It worked well and was very successful in Japan, the place it was originally designed for.
Is Cheetham the guy who partnered up with Dewey, and Howe?
Is Cheetham even his real name!?! We the car people deserve answers!
Cheetham (NOT his real name)
So this is where DT got that line from? Ha ha
wish I’d thought of that…
I’m looking forward to the “Craig confronts our own Torch at pebble beach. Chainsaws were involved” article next week.
1. That Oldsmobile barbers convention is even weirder than all the scuba kids. How did they think of that stuff?
2. I agree the Crown’s appearance is innocuous, a word which I consider praise in the context.
3. The green interior with the pretty lady shows a quite early use of brocade upholstery, earlier than the Cadillacs we saw the other day. Lovely.
4. Hey! Brocade! A name for a new near-luxury Autopian membership category!
“Brocade! A name for a new near-luxury Autopian membership category!”
Sure beats “Panty Cloth”
Ew.
Whoa! Toyota made a ute version of the 3rd gen Crown! No car that has a ute version may ever be referred to as a “World’s Worst”!!!
Craig! You can go super-suck it!!!
You say that you have to key in the program every time you run it.
Well, save some effort then.
?int(rnd(0)*317)+1
does it.
No need to write a program. Just run it like that!
If every car is a two-page spread, and if I guess correctly at how the syntax works, then in future he can cut in half the number of times he calls up a car that’s already been covered by only going for every other page:
?int(rnd(0)*158)*2+2
assuming the page spreads run from pp. 2-3 to pp. 318-319.
Something like that.
That is also true. But it doesn’t make things actually any easier. I understand your thinking, but as long as we don’t keep track of which pages we have been told to rip out, no, I don’t think this idea is practical.
You are… quite correct. Mine cuts the number of bad hits in half while also halving the number of good page hits.
Next you’re going to tell me that thing I plugged into my cigarette lighter doesn’t really give me four wheel drive?
It does not. What it does do is transmit all your data to the Chinese government.
Did I mention that since the physical PET 2001 we do have in the family resides a few hundred clicks from here (yes, we do have one; if it still works is a different discussion entirely), so I had to install a PET emulator to check that this actually works?
As the current owner of a 70’s Corolla, a Crown seems so lavishly appointed to me. Who needs so much luxury? 125hp? 55hp is fine, we’re not going racing here.
Yeah, a long while ago I used to have a 76 Audi Fox wagon that was my cheapest car-$100 total. It was a piece of junk compared to a TOYOTA CROWN! It even lasted 6 months then I got $25 from the junkyard (they said that’s all they could do since the metal was so thin) so basically it was a $75 car. Also, my funniest car story is w/ that car- the accelerator cable broke so I just took some plastic twine, hooked it from the throttle on the engine, through the hood and through the driver’s window and drove it home like that on back roads!
Wow, I guess marketing has been using scuba youths to sell cars since Beach Blanket Bingo. Some things change, and in this case, some things stay the same.
Wait what was I here to do again? Oh yeah. Suck it Craig.
I think the hang gliding set was only a few years after that…
Putting a Toyota in this book? Now you’re really gonna get the Autopians spooled up, Craig.
Go look at a Falcon, Comet, Tempest, F85, Skylark, Nova, Malibu, Dart, Valiant, etc., etc. The Crown would fit just fine, stylistically, with cars of that era. And that’s just US cars. Every British saloon looked like this once, too.
the Ford Zodiac likes your sign.
FYI – Cheetham also wrote a book called “The World’s Greatest Cars”.
When this is all over with, Torch needs to do the same thing with this book, explaining why every car in it is actually total crap.
I thought you were joking, but you’re right, he did! Talk about a well of content!
According to the description it includes the Beetle and 2CV, so I can’t imagine Torch is going to be able to follow through on that.
His greatest cars book apparently includes 250 cars. Based on that and this book, it sounds like he was willing to go through every car ever built and give every one of them the Commodus treatment.
I’m wondering how many cars Craig listed in both books.
Craig is clearly confused
3rd gen Crown is not that far off a Chevy II in design.
It’s the 4th Gen Crown which has the odd stacked grille-bar with corner turn signals above the actual grille that is completely weird. (Kinda like the new Corolla)
The 4th gen Crown is very much of its era, but it’s still a pretty car. Not at all weird.
Why does he keep referring to the Crown as a luxury or executive car?
Everything I’m reading and everything I know about early Toyota makes it seem like it was priced to compete with Chevy, not Cadillac.
Compared with what else was on offer from the JDMs, Crown was an executive car.
The true JDM luxury cars were Nissan President and Toyota Century.
He’s not comparing it to other JDM vehicles though, he’s comparing it to “the luxury car market”.
Like I could just as easily ding a ’67 Beetle or Nova for not being styled or equipped like a luxury car should be, but it wouldn’t make sense.
You’re right – comparing it to US and European market “executive” or “luxury” cars is rather dumb.
But in the lineup of cars available for sale in Tokyo or Osaka – These were still top of the line for Toyota.
“Executive car” = dead giveaway the author’s a Brit. They just never seemed to be able to wrap their heads around big-but-basic in Blighty. A Ford Custom 300 or Chevy Biscayne leaves them as perplexed as a mirror does to a dog, and a Studebaker Scotsman would’ve totally broken the brains of an actual Scotsman.
“They, them”…? Some of “us” are Autopians, too, and think this book is as pea-brained as all of “you” do.
Before 2010 or so, back before they were forced to hear people’s reactions to their opinions cast as authority via social media, British print media really were kind of assholes. The British music magazine NME was famous for being dickwaffles of the most rigid degree for example. We all enjoyed Clarkson’s rants because we laughed at the points of his arguments instead of agreeing with him, but people took the word of writers like Tony Parsons dead serious.
There’s still a lot of that left around, but it’s getting squeezed out as online discourse continues and British print media grabs for more and more ridiculous topics in a desperate attempt to influence the culture.
?
In regards to like, the “they” Nplnt referred to. “They” being the British print media. Different from the British public. I did have the clarification, but when I posted that my laptop trackpad cut off the last two sentences and replaced it with a space and I didn’t notice. Sorry about that.
*virtual thumbs-up emoji*
And now one of them is writing on this very site! Mwuahahahahaha!