During our recent Membership Drive, we learned a great deal about our readership. It’s overall, extremely impressive; according to our database, the average attractiveness level of an Autopian reader is 8.672, and that’s using the Los Angeles scale, not the Lansing one. You’re all prosperous and happy and have many skills and have near cult leader-levels of charm. It’s impressive. The one real alarming data point I noticed is that our diverse readership includes celebrants of wintertime holidays as diverse as Happy Honda Days, Toyotathon, Lexus December to Remember, Sweden’s Greetings, Chevy Red Tag Sales Event, Volkswagen Sign Then Drive, and more. Each of these saleabrations are beautiful and sublime in their own way, but I was disheartened to read our members’ painful stories of intolerance and conflict around this time of year. Most was centered around clashes between the two largest factions: the Toyotathonians and Happy Honda Daysians. I’d like to address this conflict, and do what I can to help.
The tension and hostility between Toyotathonians and Happy Honda Daysians is long-standing and well-documented. Papers have been written about it, anthropologists have given TED talks about it, and, sadly, families have been torn apart because of it. It’s a shame because deep down, both saleabrations have the same goal: to put people in high-quality, reliable and sensible cars at end-of-the-year blowout prices. And they both trace their origins to Japan, and both have well-known spiritual leaders.
There are, of course, some fundamental differences as well. Happy Honda Daysians revere the teachings of Soichiro Honda, and hold dear stories of the great GM Smackdown, the beautiful mystery of the Compound Vortex Controlled Combustion (CVCC) pre-combustion chamber, and all await the moment that VTEC kicks in, yo, for all humankind.
Current Happy Honda Days celebrations can involve songs of joy, like this strangely repetitive and semi-hypnotic chant:
Toyotathonians, on the other hand, revere Akio Toyoda, seen to be the current incarnation of Toyota’s founder, Sakichi Toyoda, and strive to live their lives based on Two Concepts of the Toyota Production System (TPS): jikoda, roughly translated as “automation with a human touch,” and the “Just-in-Time” ethos, where each human action produces only what is needed for the next action in a continuous flow of energy and spirit.
Recent Toyotathonian rites include ordained Tototathonian priests and/or priestesses (salespeople) blowing what may be religious-use cocaine on cars to induce illusions, as seen here:
As you can see, both Toyotathon and Happy Honda Days have deep, powerful teachings and a rich, complex history, along with fantastic sales numbers, year after year.
So how can you help your mixed family of Happy Honda Daysians and Toyotathonians enjoy this time of year in harmony? Here’s our tips:
Avoid Overly Specific Greetings
Once, at a holiday family dinner, I saw my Uncles Murray and Sidney get in a three-hour-long oil dipstick fight because Murray told Sidney that one day they may live to see VTEC kick in, yo. Also, I had two cousins who wouldn’t talk to one another for years because Shoshana insisted that Melanie told her to stay Grounded to the Ground even though she knew she drove a Fit.
To understand why this is so offensive, here’s what that refers to:
As you can see, these simple salutations can be loaded.
As a result, we suggest everyone simply say something more generic that will serve for any saleabration, like Savings Greetings or Happy Year-End Blow Out. Remember, you’re there for each other, not the great savings you can be getting with zero down and 0% APR for six months. Save that for the showroom.
Find Common Ground In Conversation
The dinner table is no place for comparing spec sheets or bringing up the latest recalls or grilling one another about dealer markups or delivery fees. Toyotathonians and Happy Honda Daysians have far more in common than they have differences. Steer the conversation to the wonderful rise of all Japanese cars in America, or how important hybrids became in the automotive landscape (just be sure to mention both the Prius and Insight), or, and this is more of a desperation move, steer the talk to all the problems late 1990s to early 2000s Volkswagens had — something everyone can participate in and enjoy.
It’s definitely possible to focus on what’s common instead of what is divisive.
Break The Tension Early And Hard
If you know you’ll be inviting some real zealots from both camps, plan your evening so they arrive early and together, take them to a safe, ideally unfurnished room, and let them just hash it out. Let them yell at each other about how Soichiro Honda kept trying to make air-cooling work long after it made sense, or how Toyota seems to have forgotten how to make its wheels stay its their cars.
It may come to blows, and almost definitely tears, but it needs to happen. The pressure must be released, the fire must burn itself out, and better to do it in a controlled environment where you can extract teeth from forearms or block the blow from a swung lamp before really severe damage happens, and, once exhausted, the zealots won’t go nuts during the meal and ruin it for everyone else.
Define Your Boundaries Early
When inviting Toyotahonians and Happy Honda Daysians, let them know from the get-go that your house is neutral ground, where all forms of incredible year-end savings and deals are respected, and you will simply not permit any behavior that ruins the evening for anyone, followers of Soichiro or Akio or otherwise. Talk to potentially problematic parties well before your gathering, and make sure they understand and tell you personally that they will abide. Otherwise, they are simply not invited.
Consider Drugging People
There’s so many widely available recreational drugs that can simply make this a non-problem. When serving drinks to your more ardent followers of Toyotathon or Happy Honda Days, simply drug their beverages with a drug like MDMA, which the National Institute on Drug Abuse states could have the following result:
… effects include an enhanced sense of well-being,28,53 increased extroversion,27,53 emotional warmth, empathy toward others,54 and a willingness to discuss emotionally-charged memories.
That should solve it, right? Sense of well-being? Empathy? Extroversion and emotional memory discussions? Sounds like a memorable night for everyone involved, no matter what sort of incredible closeout all-inventory-must-go car sales event you follow.
[Editor’s Note: The Autopian does not condone or support illegal drug use or unwittingly drugging anybody, regardless of how much they get into their Holiday Sales Events. – JT]
The point here is that all of us, each and every one of us, deserves to have access to incredible end-of-year savings on new cars, and to enjoy every sales event possible, no matter how we choose to express our own beautiful and unique forms of saleabration.
It’s all about the savings and deals, my friends. Here’s wishing you all no money down, and a giant novelty bow on your new car.
C o n s i d e r drugging people L U L even with the disclaimer the emboldened headline of the paragraph made me literally spit my drink out
When I watched the Honda commercial, I felt wistful for when the Fit was part of the line-up. So sort of a disgruntled Hondasian here.
I like to remind the Toyotaites of the 1976-1977 TTC-V, a licensed copy of the CVCC. Toyota couldn’t really make it work, of course. Hah!
This triggered my ‘Good diddly-widdly, it’s a Toyota tent sale!” Memories from Atlanta in the ‘80s and early ‘90s, so I guess I’ve run my first Toyotathon.
So that’s what Ned Flanders did before landing his sitcom role.
Remember, talk it out first as SNL shows: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcEylCwkSxE&ab_channel=SaturdayNightLive
In general I avoid confrontation about this time unless it is one of the people I can have a good natured ribbing with. We joke about each others choices but really like them.
It’s time for the airing of grievances! I gotta a lotta problems with you people, and you’re gonna hear all about it!
It’s the Saleabration for the rest of us!
Here, use this aluminum pen to sign. It’s sturdy and doesn’t require any maintenance.
Many Holiday Sales Events ago, I was in the dealership celebrating Toyotathon. I reach for the last set of Camry keys they had – but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!
Ford Festiva-us For the rest of us 🙂
Very droll.
Just pulled the trigger on a CX9 last Friday. The Mazdanian salesman was not pushy or oppressive at all. They kept it very neutral and classy by only whispering softly in to my ears, “Zoom zoom” as they handed me my key fobs.
Savings Day schisms make altezza punk riots look like pillow fights in comparison.
I drove a Saab for 30 years. That’s cool, isn’t it? Everyone enjoys telling Saab stories, especially during the holidays. Pretty sure the three wise men drove Saabs -probably turbos – to the manger ‘cause they were like, smart guys. Hondas and Toyotas are for shepherds, right? And all those animals were there talking and stuff, and grokking baby Jesus … and, like, radical. That drummer kid had a VW bus; I think he lived in it, too. So, you know, Saabs are cool. I really dig these brownies.
I SEE THE LIBRULS ARE CONTINUING THE WAR ON TRUCK MONTH.
Over the years, I’ve found the best way to avoid these end of the year saleabration conflicts is to simply drive a 30-70 year old car from a company that no longer exists in the US. When you show up to a family gathering in a AMC, Rover, or something French, they will quietly move away from you, guarding the liqueur cabinet and hiding away children or household pets in the advent you start talking about the glory that was the BMC A series engine or discussing in excruciating detail the idiosyncrasies of the hydropneumatic suspension.
Now tell me how to deal with the Subaru cultists. They the most zealous. My cousin damn near got carved up like a Christmas Turkey when he told my crazy uncle that Subies have a Legacy of blowing a head gasket if you take them Outback like you were a real Forester or something.
While I have a Crosstrek, I am not a vaper or have to defend my choice. Rare I know.
The main reasons I chose it were: Fit my needs, didn’t break the bank, and one of the few new cars with a manual 6spd. My wife followed the same with her Impreza (5spd).
Not a cult, just solid dependable cars at a good price.
“Not a cult, just solid dependable cars at a good price.”
Sounds like the kind of thing an Autopian with cult leader-level charisma would say… 😛
The struggle is real. My parents are firmly Happy Honda Daysians, while I celebrate Shitbox Solstice which starts today and last approximately 365 days.
Jason, while I love your end-of-year savings articles, I am very disappointed that you included the editorial note about not condoning drug use. You should be forcing David to play the straight man and provide those notes.
Maybe DT can’t (or won’t) tell a lie?
I love how Torch breaks into his own piece with an editorial note.
I’ve not tried it myself, but based on this description it does seem like MDMA would help with family holiday get-togethers. Or maybe a nice batch of pot brownies?
Hatchbackers are a welcoming crowd for those of any denomination seeking tiny cars with great storage that still be fun to do inadvisable stuff with. So please find common cause in what you love, like fast corners and tight parking spots, rather than what you hate, like climbing steep hills and not being able to see past a wall of SUVs.
Jason this is some of your finest work
Although I celebrate Happy Honda Days myself, I have to admit that Toyota really knocked it out of the park with their 2015 commercial “Toyotathon Rocks,” a cover of jingle bell rock. It’s been 7 years and I still know all the lyrics.
I’m lapsed Catalytic.
I didn’t used to be Catalytic, but I converted
If all else fails, just tell everyone how your favorite Holiday movie is Die Hard.
I prefer Shazam or Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
Sounds like Torch has been into the MDMA already…
And while this may be a problem in other parts of the country, here in Detroit, Honda/Toyota takes a back seat (as it were) to Ford/Chrysler/RAM/Chevy/GMC etc. and whatever the heck their promotions are.
Sorry torch i feel this was amiss. Maybe others will feel differently. No matter what don’t feel the need to show nudity.
Did I miss something? I can’t even find a nudity-shaped hole in the article.
It seems like Happy Honda Days start earlier every year. I’m surprised we don’t see decorations up in Trucktober.
It’s a rule in my house not to put giant ribbons on the cars at least until Truck Month is over.
Speaking of Big Bows…apparently they’re an indicator of sales slump
https://www.foxbusiness.com/retail/whos-getting-car-christmas-ask-people-who-sell-giant-bows
But it’s always Truck Month somewhere, that’s the problem.
Pretty soon it will be spilling into Shark Week.
I’m sorry, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the United States has always been a Hondeo-Acuran society, so I’m going to keep on saying Happy Honda Days and I don’t care who I offend.
The Automotive Correctness in our society is really getting out of hand, isn’t it? I mean, I don’t mind if you’re a Toyotathist or a Peugeotgenot. Just don’t rub in my face, man. I don’t want my kids exposed to that kind of thing.
Yeah… I mean the Honda people even showed up at my kid’s kindergarten handing out little toy Civics. Over the line, man, OVER THE LINE.
You do you, co_rolla_on