Every day, one of our wonderful contributors, Mark Tucker, finds listings for two cars that are really past their prime, slathers them across your screen, and gets you to vote on what’s the best. Often, these cars aren’t just your nightmare, but somewhere, a mechanic probably wakes up in a sweat after a Shitbox Showdown gets posted. But sometimes, a gem is hidden in a Shitbox Showdown and you might not even know it.
Take today’s 2003 Lincoln Town Car Signature Series as an example. Now, as one of the Autopian‘s serial cheapskates, $4,000 is a bit too rich for my blood. I remember when you could find an old Panthers for $1,000, drive them into the ground, then buy another for $1,000. Of course, the car market is a bit nutty right now so maybe $4,000 is the new $1,000.
Anyway, to the untrained eye, a Lincoln Town Car may be the vehicle for someone running an airport car service. Maybe you associate this big boat with elderly drivers. Well, today’s COTD winner MustangIIMatt says not so fast, because there’s beauty hidden underneath that chrome trim:
This isn’t even a contest.
Lincoln, hands down.
Look, it’s got the 4.6L V8, in it’s plain jane 2V glory, that makes enough power to move this barge, and do it with surprising efficiency and smoothness. It’s also reliable. How reliable? Toyota fanbois can’t talk shit about it levels of reliable. The damned things just don’t break when taken care of. They have a lighting control module that may fail eventually, and if it has the rear air suspension, it’ll eventually do what all airbag suspensions do and wear the bags out, and that’s IT.
Too slow for you? A 4.6 4v, 4.6 Terminator, 5.0 Coyote, and all of the rest of the Ford modular V8 family are bolt-in swaps, or the original 2V mill doesn’t mind a bit of boost. Bam, now it’s not slow, but it’s still reliable.
You need to venture off the beaten path? Go on Youtube and look at the stock Crown Vic (this car’s platform-mate) conquering MOAB like a damned Jeep. Look at all the lifted off-road builds of these out there. Why is this happening? Because the Panther platform these are built on is full-frame and every bit as rugged as a pickup, they even have 1/2-ton pickup towing capacity for crying out loud. There’s a gentleman in my town that tows a tandem-axle flatbed trailer with his lawn care equipment with one. Yup, all those dummies riding around in jacked up 3/4-ton diesels to tow a couple of lawnmowers? They could be riding in luxury and saving a ton on fuel instead.
Then there’s the trunk space. You open the trunk on this and you’ll find two amazing things:
1. A full-sized spare.
2. As much cargo room as many modern crossovers.What? You don’t want a big luxury sleeper? You don’t want the correct answer to “which truck should I buy?” You don’t want a crossover SUV alternative with the sweet sounds of a V8 and the same gas mileage as a buzzy 4-banger brick-on-wheels?
What about a lowrider? What about a super-comfortable commuter? How about a comfortable mobile office? These cars are so roomy, so well built, and so comfortable that you can adapt them for nearly anything.
The Infiniti is cool and all, but the Lincoln has WAY more going for it.
I happen to agree. I’ve never owned a Panther before, but throughout my travels I’ve been able to experience just how epic these cars are. Ford’s Panthers are a staple of the Gambler 500 and HooptieX. You’ll see them doing endless burnouts, crawling their way up rocks, fording rivers, and being used like trophy trucks.
Don’t believe me? Watch this LS-swapped Ford Crown Victoria:
Hell yeah, brother! Click here for the full video.
If you don’t need your car to take flight, Panther platform cars still have good news for you. These things will run forever, even if you treat them like they owe you money. I’ve seen Crown Vics and Town Cars banging off of their rev limiters for 30 minutes straight and they still ran and drove.
What I’m getting at here is that you could definitely buy a Mercury Grand Marquis, Ford Crown Victoria, Lincoln Town Car, or any other Panther variant and just let your freak flag fly!
What other hidden gems do you think are hiding out there?
“[M]aybe $4,000 is the new $1,000.”
Noooooooooo!!!! Please don’t give people ideas!!!! Best to say something like “$1,200 is the new $1,000.”
I had a crown vic for a handful of years. Only issue it ever gave me was first gear going out (transmissions are a bit of a dice roll with these). But it still drove halfway across the country like that and more after. Had it lowered too and it handled better than you’d think for the size and 1995 technology.
I had a Grand Marquis and it was a pretty nice car. But I wound up donating it to a charity when I noticed that the giant wiring harness was frayed almost everywhere there was a connector (and yes, I told the charity, they didn’t care). It hadn’t failed yet but it was only a matter of time. Too bad, too, because otherwise it was just as great as described here.
Swapping and LS does not sell me on the mod 4.6, though it is a respectably reliable engine. the downfall of course was always the Ford AOD. I know, by this time they were called 4R75W, and it was definitely better than the AODE it was based on, but they still seemed to get weird 1st to 2nd gear shudders and sometime would just not do the shift at all.
This is exactly what happened to mine. Hard shifting from 1st to 2nd, then it stopped shifting into 1st at all. It decided to start in 2nd from then on and weirdly never gave me an issue like that. Not ideal, but it was a P71 so got driven pretty hard prior to me I assume.
Holy crap! I got COTD AND it was written-up by Mercedes!
Don’t get rear ended in one, but the Panther platform is awesome.
My dad’s 1984 Crown Vic police package had enough room in the trunk for my steamer trunk. And 8 milk crates. And whatever I fould fir between them.
And they can be fun too.
https://youtu.be/pEBCky3SD1c
If I recall correctly, the rear ending problem with the Panther bodies was because of the gun vault the police would put in the trunk, and the Crown Vic wasn’t designed for it to be in the trunk so during crashes, the vault would careen into the gas tank. This didn’t happen on normal Town Cars
Lifted & supercharged 1999 Town Car climbing sand dunes
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Osco_VqzXB8
When I turned in my POS Alfa Giulia, I bought an ’01 Grand Marquis. I put new bushings, Bilstein shocks, and a big rear antisway bar in the back. Unlike the “sporting” Alfa the steering, brakes etc. talk to me and we have fun. And it doesn’t break down.
I’ve always wanted to put a 7.3L mechanical injection turbodiesel from an F250 with a manual transmission swap into one of these, and Mad Max the shit out of it with 2-inch-thick steel plating and bulletproof glass.
Here’s some inspiration for the foundation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7vCJVd6OfE
Shedding a tear for the 2008 P71 Crown Vic we had. My wife HATED it until she got behind the wheel the first time and floored it (first V8 – mine too!). The cop suspension made it feel waaaaay smaller than it was, none of the wallow. The frame reinforcement they did in 2003 likely saved my wife and child from severe injury (at least) when they were rear-ended by a tow truck. Never tracked true after that, but it still drove dammit. We miss it all the time.
Rented several of this platform back in the day, and can vouch that they can take a beating. When I first started working on the road and renting cars, my new boss was going to take us newbies out to dinner. He showed up in a rented town car. All five of us piled in, he slammed it in reverse, floored it while hooking a right out of the parking space burning rubber the whole time, then slammed it into drive and smoked the tires all the way across the hotel parking lot. “This is why you don’t buy rental cars,” we were told, but I wanted a town car for years after that. They can take a beating.
It’s funny, I trailed a well kept, later, Grand Marquis this morning, drien by an older gentleman and thought how there are a lot of apparently well kept examples still around. I live in Philly and commute to the outer suburbs. I see them a lot in the city, where they may be modified or beat. But there are a ton. In the burbs, they’re less frequently seen, but tend to be very original and clean looking, typically driven by older folks.
I only experienced them once, a 91 Town Car as a Florida rental. I think the driving experience was probably as expected, the bar wasn’t high, but it felt good to be driving a luxury car.
Mercedes, I like this series and I think you’re a great writer. The quality of the writing here is one of the things that sets Autopian apart.
Two words put me off that Lincoln. No, not “padded top” although that’s never a plus.
Air Suspension.
I’m sure it’s not as unreliable as a Range Rover’s, but it’ll be a damn sight less reliable than a Crown Vic or Grand Marquis’ steel springs (I think you can get this on Town Cars as well), and we’re talking about a 20-year old car now.
Well a set of steel springs used to be under $100 and take less than 1hr to install. But many of those Crown Vics and even more of the Grand Marquis are sporting air springs out back, and they are dead reliable, still going strong in my 03 Marauders and even my 92 Crown Vic.
Pantherdude knows
Nah. Simple, reliable, easy and inexpensive to replace. Not noticeably less reliable than the steel springs, but an amazingly improved ride.
Source: my buddy’s Grand Marquis that we treated like a beater drift/rally car for like 4 years after we swapped a Town Car junk yard air system onto it. Body roll is insane, but they will drift more controllably than nearly any other vehicle I’ve tried.