If My Final Ride Is In This Chevy Traverse Hearse, Please Just Cremate Me

Ah yes, the Chevrolet Traverse. It’s, well, a car. When I hear “Chevy Traverse” do I think hearse? Nope. Instead, I think  “mom car” with a Syracuse University magnet on the back and those weirdly tall factory cross bars.

Seriously, I know I can’t be the only one who thinks the bars look goofy. They’re extremely tall and not very wide. There’s like three feet underneath and two inches of width. What can you even fit up there? A pool noodle? A strand of uncooked spaghetti? I just get worked up about crossbars, as evidenced by my past.

I was recently in a weird Youtube deep-dive rabbit hole and came across a channel devoted to posting their hearses for sale. Parks Superior is a used and new hearse dealership located in Connecticut. It doesn’t appear that they do the conversion process themselves, but rather are supplied hearses to sell to funeral homes. They feature normal ones, like Lincoln MKTs, Cadillac XT5s, and Lincoln Nautiluses. Then I saw this abomination:

That’s right. Behold your eyes. Here it is… a Chevy Traverse hearse. “Trahearse” sounds eery, like the name of a Christine-esque horror movie. I have just one question, why? Why, out of all the SUVs in the world, they chose a Traverse to convert? The Buick Enclave exists and looks much classier and better than this thing. Why couldn’t they have used that?

I’m sure it comes down to many different factors, the price being one. However, this Traverse appears to be a mid-level LT trim, based on the lack of fog lights and the cloth interior, starting at $37,045. A base model Buick Enclave starts at just over $40,000. I’d imagine a GM dealership would hopefully knock a few bucks off the MSRP if they knew it was going to a funeral home. Why not spend the extra few hundred dollars and convert something, well, extremely nicer?

The taillights appear to be swiped from a late-model Cadillac XTS, which hasn’t been around since 2019. Thankfully, the Traverse is badged as a Chevy rather than up-badged to a Cadillac. If that were the case, we’d have some more problems.

Why?

Parks Superior says that this Traverse, also coded as the “CT Coach,” captures “modern design and unlimited versatility.” Hmmm. Not sure why a hearse needs tri-zone climate controls. Not to mention, this Traverse doesn’t even have any of the “versatility” features offered, such as a third row, AWD, and a power liftgate–you know, things people buy a Traverse for. This one, as equipped, would be a lackluster family vehicle, let alone a hearse. It just doesn’t have the “pizzazz” that a Cadillac or a Lincoln would in transporting grandma to the cemetery. Maybe throw on some white wall to the 18-inch tires.

When I die, for the love of Saab, please don’t let me be transported in this thing to my grave. Throw me in anything else. If you’re taking requests, perhaps a Land Rover Discovery hearse should suffice. That is, of course, if it makes it to the cemetery. If not, well, cremate the two of us together.