Let’s Look At Some Over-A-Century-Old Ads This Morning: Cold Start

Did I fall asleep last night before I could write a Cold Start this morning? Maybe! And by maybe I mean, yes, yes I did, right there on the couch, laptop on lap, like I suddenly became a taxidermie’d Early 21st Century Human display at the Museum of Earthlings in Their Natural Habitats that the aliens will set up sometime around the 3340s, when the AIs that control Earth get a little curious and nostalgic for the Meat Times.

Anyway, that means I need to crank one out this morning, stat, so we’re going to go to an old staple of Cold Start fun: ads and articles from a magazine that’s over 100 years old!

And what magazine would that be? Why it’s the summertime issue of Automobile Topics from 1913:

Let’s start with the image up top there, from the Willard Storage Battery company of Cleveland, Ohio, who seemed to like to use cartoons in their ads. And, honestly, I think the bit holds up!

I mean, that’s not a bad gag; you can picture it, with the nouns changed to some sort of more modern tech, being used today: this old thing sucked, and made people use profanity. Solid gag. This other cartoon from the same company I’m not sure holds up quite as well:

I guess the punchline is that the dude is of course going to get his feet muddy, there’s no way around that, right? Also the line about (emphasis mine) “bones in your meat or stones in your land, your joys must be mixed with sorrows or your joy would be too joyful” is just strange. I don’t need the Willard Storage Battery policing my levels of joy, thanks. Jeez.

Speaking of joy, this ad really reminds you of The Joy of Tubes:

They’re not simply tubes, you see! Read that ad – they talk about how awesome these inner tubes feel: “You cannot take one of them in your hand without appreciating its quality from the texture.” I bet at least some decent percentage of Fisk Tube buyers only bought them for the pure sensual pleasure of fondling those tubes.

Also, this ad makes an interesting distinction:

A “manufactured” car. Aren’t all cars manufactured? Was anyone growing them? I guess this just means a mass-produced car, and not some limited-run handmade things?

Oh yeah, some sweet taillight content! This mobilite is interesting because it used a hard rubber body! And, of course, that license plate light window is something that will be a staple of non-integrated taillights for decades.

This one is just here because of balls, because I’m a child.

Okay, this is interesting because of the casually-mentioned metric of equivalency between horses and trucks:

Did you see that? One motor truck replaces six horses? I wonder if that was some sort of commonly-accepted metric?

This ad reminds me of a tombstone:

I do like the assertion of the carb as “the heart of the automobile” though I’m not sure I believe that? I think it’s more part of the digestive system. And does that mean that fuel injected cars have artificial hearts?

Speaking of carbs, this may be the most whimsical, fantastical, Alice-in-Wonderlandic technical/ad about a carburetor:

I like calling the air tubes “Northern” and “Southern,” too. Such a magical journey that little drop of gas takes! Too bad about the destination, though. It’s kind of violent.

By the way, I need to ask you: have you been Klaxonized?

I feel like the next time you’re car-shopping at a dealership, your first demand should be that you are only shown cars that have been properly klaxonized.

This one I just really liked the illustration:

Look at those bearing-wheels! What would a car with those sorts of wheels be like to drive? I feel like we need to try and re-create this in reality. I’m not sure how you’d brake a car with this kind of setup – some kind of expanding drum in the hub?

This isn’t a bad motto:

Though I’m not sure I want a “car with a conscience.” I feel like I do too many depraved things in my car as it is, and I don’t need it feeling guilty on my behalf. Or, worse, judgy.

So, that means it’s not actually American, right?

Also, if you, like many of us here, have doubts about how well a worm-type gear would perform on a car’s drive axle (like, can it coast?), you’re not alone, and this 1911 paper about just that should answer all your questions.

Man, I can’t believe these were all over 100 years old; we’ve been selling cars and accessories a hell of a long time.