Today’s Comment of the Day harks all the way back to this morning’s Cold Start, wherein Jason waxed somnambulistic on the virtues(?) of the “rolling sleeping pill” that was the Dodge Diplomat. Just typing the name is making my eyelids droop, geez. But the winning comment is not about the Dip’s boringness; nay, it is a tale of love, literally burning love for the dis-remembered Dodge, that begs us to award the coveted COTD Gold Medallion. 
Behold the ballad of the metallic brown (oh man, yessss) Diplomat that befell a fiery fate, and the rending the tender heart that belonged to the kind soul who cared for its 360 V8 and kept it in amazing shape. To be fair, any Diplomat still shaped the way it left the factory is doing pretty well, but let’s enjoy Squirrelmaster‘s LOL-worthy story:
Oh to have witnessed that pathetic bottle of water sailing into an inferno of Dodge Diplomat, comedy gold!
For good measure, I’m also giving a nod to SquareTaillight2002. I certainly believed him when he said the Ford LTD, Granada, and Chevy Caprice were interchangeable sleep aids, but I had to see for myself and wow I cannot tell these things apart. No, the two red ones are not the same car. And the gold one is not a Diplomat. The grey-blue thing is … a different one. Which is which? Does it matter?
Images: Wikimedia Commons
Keep those comments a-coming, we’ll do it all again tomorrow!
After I warped a cylinder in my first car, I was given the Dippy-mat to drive until I could afford to buy something else. When I was 17, it was a very bad year. . . Plastic seats that were zero friction in winter and skin-scalding in summer, a single mono-speaker weakly crackling in the dash, and the most obnoxious color. You know what Malaise is? It’s mustard mixed with mayonnaise to make a creamy off-yellow garbage color of a car. (which didn’t have a V8…) God, I hated that car. It was the motivation to get me saving up for another beater, any beater, to replace it.
I always thought it was interesting that the Mopar M-Body, Ford Panther platform, and GM B-bodies all offered a driver’s side airbag with carbureted engines, and in GM’s case they also offered a passenger airbag with carbureted engines.
Just kinda weird/funny when newer technology is included with old platforms.
Also…. “Diplomat”? Why not “Insurance Salesman”? Or the Dodge IRS Agent?
Boring sedans such as these are the reason that hatchbacks became so popular, as well as minivans. They were dreck when they were new, and worse as they aged.
They all look different to me with just a 4 second glance. And anyone that can keep a mediocre poorly built car in pristine condition for so long deserves this spites admiration not ridicule. What did Mercedes the writer say? Every car has its fans and they should be applauded and not scorned. Avast ye scurvey hearted scalliwags who only appreciate the same old cars. Ye don’t have the stones to admire a car unless ye brethren agrees that it be cool enough. Ye ain’t car fans ye are fender bendovers. I leave it to thee to determine what that be. And a final salute to a true car lover.
The King said it best:
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
I feel my temperature risin’
Help me I’m flamin’
I must be a hundred and nine
Burnin’ burnin’ burnin’
And nothin’ can cool me
I just might turn into smoke
But I feel fine
Thank you! Winning this is the most value that Diplomat ever provided.
I left out the part of the story where after the fire department put out the fire, they left the car smouldering in the culdesac and told us if it reignited to call them back. About five minutes later the car started burning again, and one of my friends who had gone into the house to find marshmallows, ran over to the car and started roasting one over the newly-formed flames. He was intent on eating it, despite our warnings about the smoke likely being very toxic, and then proceeded to spend the following several minutes vomiting and dry heaving all over the street. When the wrecker finally arrived to pick up the car, the driver saw the car, saw the angry owner, saw the sick marshmallow lover, and saw the puddle of vomit and said “You boys have a strange sense of fun, and I don’t want to know nothin’ about it!”
Hillarious
For Squirtelmaster
https://youtu.be/HZ6Hkmi6UAU
Thank you, thank you!
People who bought diplomats back in the day went shopping for cars with one requirement: “I want a full size car”. Nowhere in the requirements were listed for other conditions such as “reliable”, “quick”, “handles well”.
Compared to those “full size” cars, today’s CUVs and SUVs are much better in many ways (but still boring and oh-so-ordinary).
This is like Jenna Marbles’ husband Julien not being able to tell the difference between Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts and Anne Hathaway.
That was mean of the firefighters to say that! You can’t put value on other people’s attachments. If that car brought him joy, don’t belittle it!
They were right that it wasn’t worth his life, but it was worth more than the water.
I don’t think the firefighters meant for it to be mean, instead trying to convey some perspective to the distraught owner, but it was certainly received that way by everyone standing around.
Yes, this is the Autopian world. We don’t kink-shame here. 😉
I miss my ’84 Grand Marquis so much. The ride was smooth. It was so easy to parallel park because you could see all four corners, not like the lozenge I drive these days.
I used to see Diplomats all the time, they were even police cruisers for a lot of Maryland for years into the mid 90’s until they were replaced with bubble caprices. But just like the Crown Vics, Caprices and fox body LTDs, they’ve all gone the way of the crusher via either neglect, cash for clunkers, or by hooning teenagers. One of my friends just sold his rather mint Diplomat for $8K. It had a simple intake swap, headers, gears, and a baby cam that ran high 14’s.
They can be made into fun sleeper cars, if you aren’t afraid of turning a wrench or two.
A poor replacement for the lovely Furies piloted by TJ Hooker and Roscoe P. Coltraine.
Lets pour one out for Frank Fury, a rightful contestant on shitbox showdown
People wonder why the XJ Cherokee sold like gangbusters and people fell in love with SUVs. It’s because they were so sick of these cars. Note to DT: My 89 XJ Laredo lived 5 lives, so I remember it all the way back to riding in the back as a kid and it was cool compared to the Reliant K car my parents traded in. You could look over the seat to the trunk? Wow, kid memories are interesting.
I actually watched the “Short Time” (car chase) movie with Dabney Coleman and a lot of Dodge Diplomat destruction last night, inspired by JT’s article. Not bad at all, so thanks 🙂
You can find interesting things about any of these cars, though.
The Caprice/Impala gen shown debuted the platform under the awesome 90’s Impala SS and Buick Roadmaster.
The Ford shown is the first iteration of the panther platform.
The Granada’s platform, on the other hand, was old even from the start.
It’s based on the Maverick platform, which was based on the Falcon. So, the underpinnings were closing in on 20 years old when it went on sale.
Malaise.