Good morning, and welcome back to Shitbox Showdown! Today we’re looking at a couple of old land yachts, both more or less ready to set sail. You’ll notice that both of these cars are over the old $2500 price cap; I kinda like Thomas’s interpretation of “shitbox” as being of any price, but terrible, so we’ll stick with that for a while and see where it leads us.
Before we get into that, I do have one other piece of old news to tell you about. I had an email conversation with a reader named Eric Hesse while I was out, regarding a car we featured way back in October: a Mazda GLC wagon. As it turns out, Eric and his wife were already on their way to California to buy the little Mazda when it appeared in the Showdown. They bought it, and–get this–drove it home from the Bay Area all the way to Wisconsin, by way of Sedona, Arizona.
Eric and his wife dropped the Mazda off at a mechanic before they hit the road just to make sure it was ready to rock. Even so, Eric says it developed carb problems along the way, and the heater went out before they even left California. They did the last leg, from Liberal, Kansas to Wausau, Wisconsin in one day, a distance of over 1000 miles. (“0/10, do not recommend,” says Eric.) He says there’s “something spiritual” about the little Mazda, and that the trip helped him figure out some things in his life. I understand completely; there’s something about a long road trip that sorts out all the psychic junk in your mind. It just goes to show that it doesn’t matter what you drive, where you drive, or how you drive–what matters, if you love cars, is that you drive. If you want to see more of this epic road trip, check out your_coach_katya on Instagram.
Yesterday wasn’t even a contest, and I knew that going in. Nobody in their right mind would tackle that Gremlin, but I felt like writing about a Gremlin, so there you go.
Easy win for the Saab, as expected. I’ll be watching that auction to see how it turns out, and I hope that little red Saab goes to a good home, because it’s a cool car.
Now then: Let’s take a look at a couple of Queens of the Brougham Age. Long, wide, cushy, and V8-powered is the order of the day. Let’s see what you make of them.
1976 Lincoln Continental Mark IV – $3,500
Engine/drivetrain: 460 cubic inch V8, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Portland, OR
Odometer reading: 55,000 miles
Runs/drives? Yes, but has been sitting for a couple of years
Presence. That’s the best word I can think of for these old Lincoln coupes; they take up a lot of space, and thus demand a lot of attention. But that was the point of them; you drove a Lincoln Continental because you wanted everyone to know you could afford a Lincoln Continental. And the likely single-digit fuel economy from the giant 7.5 liter V8 didn’t concern you, because again, you could afford it.
That massive engine doesn’t translate into much speed, especially by 1976, but the nearly bottomless well of torque available gives it a relentless, inexorable feel. You know it’s not fast, but you also know it’s not ever going to struggle. In the days before overdrive automatics, a common trick was to give a car a tall rear axle ratio to keep the revs down, which slows down acceleration even more, but makes highway cruising serene. If you’ve never experienced an older full-sized American car at 75 MPH on the Interstate, you’re missing out.
This old Continental needs a good cleaning, but it has only 55,000 miles on the clock, and the seller says the transmission was rebuilt shortly before it was parked two years ago. It will likely need some care to revive, but two years isn’t too long of a slumber. It’s hard to say how the paint will clean up, but the inside looks nice, and appears to have stayed dry while it was out of commission.
The vinyl landau top is shot, and there is some rust starting on the roof underneath it. But hey, none of us are as young as we once were. If it does indeed run and drive, and can heave itself out of that rut it’s sunk into, this might be a good car to fix up. Or just clean it up as well as you can, and float down the road as-is.
1973 Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight Regency – $4,000
Engine/drivetrain: 455 cubic inch V8, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Burien, WA
Odometer reading: 161,000 miles
Runs/drives? Sure does
And in this corner, weighing in at a lot we have Oldsmobile’s flagship sedan, the Ninety-Eight Regency. This is a late example of a very cool bodystyle that no one makes any more, a four-door hardtop. There are no B-pillars above the doors; roll down all four windows, and there’s a massive expanse of open air along both sides of the car. I can tell you from experience that this makes for a very nice summertime cruiser with a bunch of friends.
Powering this al-fresco living room on wheels is Oldsmobile’s legendary Rocket V8, here displacing 455 cubic inches, and not yet choked down by a catalytic converter. It’s not a fire-breather in this humongous car, but it’ll move the road ahead into the rearview mirror at a good clip, and suck down a whole oil field’s worth of regular every time you hit the passing gear. Again, it’s all about presence.
Inside, the comfy confines of this Oldsmobile could use a little help. The deeply-tufted upholstery has been patched with what looks like a whole roll of red duct tape, and a hole in the carpet appears to have been covered up as well. I can’t imagine that this was the best solution to whatever problems the seats had, but it’s there now, so the new owner will have to deal with it. The “handyman’s secret weapon” doesn’t affect the smoothness or quietness of the ride itself, luckily.
Obviously, this car isn’t a showpiece, but it is now rare enough that it’s a pretty good conversation piece. You might take up two spots at Cars & Coffee, but you’ll draw a crowd. Does that make up for its cosmetic shortcomings? You tell me.
So that’s what I have for you today: two large and in-charge barges from the Seventies. Which one of them is still relevant after all these years?
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
They’re both a bit overpriced in my book, but at least that Olds runs and drives and I love those 4-door hardtops. It helps that I already own a ’71 deVille in the same body style. Find some fiberglass replacement pieces for the rear quarter plastic filler pieces and the body looks good to go for the time being. Maybe stop by a JoAnn Fabrics for something to cover over the sticky mess on the front seats. I do like those 70’s “personal coupe” Nimitz-class Lincolns, but just looking at the metal perforation showing along the bottom edge of the vinyl top on this example gives me a light case of auto-body sanding induced shaky hands.
I like the style of the Lincoln better, but it’s in much rougher shape and is missing some parts in the engine bay.
Plus, that Olds 455 from 1973 will make way more power than that Lincoln 460 from 1976.
The stuff the Olds needs such as new seat upholstery and rear fender extensions shouldn’t be as expensive as all the stuff you know (along with other surprises) the Lincoln will need.
For example, due to the magic of 3D printing, there are places where you can buy those rear fender extensions for a relatively cheap $99 per side such as here:
https://replica-plastics.com/product/on-73-rlx-rear-left-extension/
And then take them to a shop to have them painted or paint them yourself.
Or you can choose to take it to a shop and paint those parts and deal with all the other minor paint imperfections at the same time.
And you can get those front seats redone with new material would be $1500 to $5000 depending on the material you select and whether you do the front and back or just the fronts.
Once those things are taken care of, the Olds will be a nice weekend cruiser.
I picked the Oldsmobile, but wonder if those missing plastic rear bumper extensions are still available from somewhere? Eldorados and Toronados had those extensions too and they didn’t seem to live very long.
Both are terrible ideas and frankly terrible cars. I’m going Oldsmobile for the duct tape artistry.
I was ready to pull the trigger on the Olds, until I saw the duct tape. I realize that duct tape and WD-40 is a fun cliché, but it’s a stupid one. This leads me to wonder how much baling wire, chewing gum, Bar’s Leak, and Marvel Mystery Oil is currently in the car. No doubt a look in the glovebox will reveal slip-joint pliers and a Vice Grip. I will admit though, to having used most of these products in the past.
Olds. Throw on some seat covers and it’s ready to cruise today. I can work on finding new seats while I’m enjoying the car.
The fact that it’s a 4 door hard too is a nice bonus too. As someone who already owns a 4 door hardtop, it feels so good driving on a nice day with all of the windows down. It just feels so open and the airflow you get is so good that my non-working A/C is almost never a real issue.
While I like the Lincoln, for a few bucks more I will take the Olds. It is running and the interior is an easier fix.
I love the Mark IV, but, well, look at my pfp lol. I’m a raging sucker for Oldsmobiles
“They did the last leg, from Liberal, Kansas to Wausau, Wisconsin in one day, a distance of over 1000 miles. (“0/10, do not recommend,” says Eric.)”
As part of a week-ish long road trip with my Dad (Port Hueneme, Ca to Tallahassee, Fl, where we went 1500 miles out of the way to drive across Nevada along US 50) I drove from Grapevine Tx to Tallahassee in one shot. Also 100% do not recommend.
I’ve driven one-shots longer than that, used to go from DC to Tallahassee twice a year on leave and that was a longer drive, but I had never done a drive like that after being on the road for a week.
I knew the western portion of Florida along I-10 intimately, had been driving along there for years going back and forth from Eglin AFB to Tallahassee. That drive from Texas to Florida, though? I started to see counties that I’ve never seen before. I saw exits and stores that don’t exist. I-10 narrowed down to a two lane dirt road for a bit. Dad and I climbed mountains and forded streams in those ~300 miles along I-10 in Florida.
Shit starts to get weird when you’re on the road that long.
I do wonder what Torch and David are starting to go through on their drive.
The Olds by a country mile aka the length of the Olds.
A lincoln with a trash exterior that they clearly have not tried to drive, so it may run, but driving is still a maybe, vs the Olds with a trash interior but that obviously still drives. It doesn’t help that I like the Olds better even if both were pristine, I would definitely get the seat and carpet fixed, then drive sparingly so as to not bankrupt myself on fuel costs.
Can I have the Olds but with the Lincoln’s interior? Yikes.
Olds for me. Throw a blanket over the front seat like an old pickup truck. Good enough. Stumbling upon junk yard seats for a 70’s Oldsmobile probably won’t happen, and it isn’t worth paying to have the seats redone.
The Lincoln looks like it has been abandoned for a while. Longer than the ad says.
Love that Olds. Would prefer the Electra 225, but that’s not on the menu today.
I really wanted to like the Lincoln, but its exterior is farther gone than I would want to deal with. So the Olds it is. Growing up we had the ’73 Buick Elektra 225 and it was one of the first cars I got to drive. I’d have no shame in doing its Oldsmobile cousin.
36 years ago, a buddy got a cherry Lincoln hand-me-down from his father as his first car. It did exactly zero for his game. Possibly even was a negative in the cool column.
Presence? Back then it had presence like a portly kid in parachute pants.
Today it has presence like that same kid ripping a fart in church.
I see you haven’t been out and about, parachute pants are back, as is, if my math holds, looking like an idiot.
So, this is top notch (cl)ass, as long as the cut of your jib is right.
Hell… Given the popularity of people like Donald Trump, it’s not just looking like an idiot is in style, but *being* an idiot is in style too!
You just have to hang out with the MAGA or ‘Trucker Convoy’ crowd to be viewed as ‘cool’.
Those C-body GM sedans are peak malaise eleganza, but the owner’s use of red duct tape extends to the exterior of the car … did they have a sale at Harbor Freight or something?
With both cars needing vinyl top remediation (and the Olds needing filler panels and an interior tape-ectomy as well), my vote goes for the Lincoln, if only for the marginally cleaner interior and the CB radio.
That said, I agree with PaysOutAllNight that both cars’ prices are 2X what they should be.
I’d take the Olds. It looks as if it has been washed some time during the last decade or two.
Actually, I’ll take neither. The ask for each is roughly 1000 times what they’re worth.
I voted for the 98
I like those big 4-doors
I went with the Lincoln, just to feel like the Detective Frank Cannon. The CB is a plus.
I can make an interior look nice. What I can’t do is remodel an entire body style.
I never understood the full-sized, two door luxury coupe, even though I drove one for several years because it was cheap and available. Sure, it was nice. But the lack of rear doors was a frequent annoyance.
If you’re buying a land whale, buy the large land whale.
That said, they’re both about double what I’d be willing to pay.
Testify. I’ll never understand why folks want four door on their pickups but only two on a full-size sedan. There is no better configuration for a vintage land yacht than the four-door hardtop.
I’ve always had a soft spot for the Mark IV. Would be better if it were one of the designer editions (pretty sure most people my age only know of Bill Blass is from the Continentals). Just rip what’s left of the vinyl cover off and spray it with some bed liner. Swap in some new hoses and tires and replace all the fluids. Then crank up the CB and join a convoy.
…and Givenchy, and Pucci, and Cartier.
Full disclosure: I had to google to find Pucci, I just couldn’t remember. I did, however, recall three out of four which is more a testament to the great American advertising/marketing machine than to my memory.
Don’t forget, this was a time when designer names were splashed over everything–I remember mens shirts with a Givenchy name-logo pattern and names just stuck on everything, really.
It was kind of embarrassing, moreso because we’re not much above this today.
I’ll take the Olds. That baby is screaming for suicide doors.
Judging by how much it has sunk into the ground, I’d say that Lincoln has been sitting more than two years.
Unless the sheer mass of that boat has increased its sink rate.
Gimme the Olds, regardless.
Ugh. Abstain. These are the cars that caused the malaise.
They’re both nopes from me too.
Both are fixable to look presentable, but you have to ask yourself why?
I can try to answer that, maybe. See, I was born in ’84. I don’t really have any first-hand memories of Malaise Era cars—by the time I came around, Dad was driving an XJ Cherokee and Mom had a 2nd gen RX-7. The big land barges were still around when I was a kid, but the only personal experience I have is a vague memory of my Grampy’s car saying that the door was a jar. By the time I was actually noticing cars, even the Town Car had been rounded off. The square, 70s cars don’t really have any semantic baggage for me, is what I’m saying.
So then, what do I see when I see one of these? I see an amusingly large land yacht that’s squishy like a couch, looks like nothing else on the road, is probably wicked easy to work on, and which has a V8 under the hood. (OK, not a great V8, but we can fix that nowadays, right?) That’s interesting. These things are also cheap and unloved, despite being the pinnacle of automotive luxury in their day. There’s potential there.
To someone my age or younger, these cars aren’t symbols of a shitty era. They’re weird, anachronistic, luxury barges that are big, cheap, and quirky. Nobody is really doing anything with them, at least not outside of lowrider culture. One of these would be an interesting choice as a restomod project. I mean, why not?
This is why I’m half-seriously considering picking up one of these 70s land yachts. I was born in 93 and grew up in a rust prone area so these were all long gone by the time I was able to acknowledge cars on my own. The closes memory I had to these was my grandmas Caprice Classic that was gone by the time I was in first grade anyway.
Like it or not these are quintessential American cars and I’d like to experience one. I know they aren’t going to be fast or built well but nice examples are still generally pretty reasonable in price so that helps a lot.
For a long-distance cruiser, I think they’d be interesting with an old-school mechanical-injection Cummins 6.7L, tuned to around 1,000 horses. Bet they’d get over 25 mpg highway like that, would run very smooth, and haul some serious ass while belching out thick, beautiful black soot in doing so.
Plus they will survive the apocalypse with that mechanical fuel injection.
I was also born in ’84. You hit the nail right on the head with the feeling of these cars. Every now and then I get it in my head to buy a Malaise era land yacht. The main thing stopping me is the rust. I don’t think there’s a single one in Canada that isn’t rusted out or currently rusting out. If I could pick one up in the Southwestern US and easily import it, maybe.