It’s time again to have an archaic Commodore PET computer pick a random page from the 2005 book, The World’s Worst Cars, written by Craig Cheetham, and then defend and redeem the car shown on that page, because I maintain that Mr.Cheetham has created a book not of The World’s Worst Cars, as the title claims, but rather of some of the World’s More Interesting Cars. Most of the cars in this book – perhaps all – do not deserve to be trapped in between the covers of this deceitful tome. And I’m going to redeem them, one by one. So let’s go.
Let’s start like we always do, by keying in this simple BASIC program to pick a random number between 1 and 317, the number of pages in the book. And yes, while I did copy and paste this intro, I may as well note that I’m actually out tomorrow, so there won’t be a Friday edition of World’s Worst Cars Book Redemption, which I hope is okay with everyone.
But we still have today’s! So let’s see what page Mr.Pet wants us to look at!
Page 287. Let’s see what treasures lay on page 287!
The Maserati Biturbo!
Oh, by the way, you may notice I’m not showing the entire two-page spread, like before. That’s because our publisher Matt brought up a very salient point about how, were I to keep this up for some significant portion of this book, I would be effectively re-publishing the book right here on our site, which is, um, wrong. So, in the interests of not getting the ire (and lawyers) of Mr.Cheetham and this publisher all worked up, we’ll just include a little portion of the page from here on out. I should go back and crop down those other pages now that I think about it, too.
But! Back to the Biturbo! When I first saw this choice, I was a bit more sympathetic than normal; these things do have a reputation for being huge ass-pains and always breaking. But, remember, this is a book of worst cars in the world. The Biturbo was also the first production car with twin turbos, and, more importantly, it was Maserati’s first real attempt to make something even close to a mass-market car, and while it wasn’t entirely successful, it defined a path that so many exotic carmakers rely on today to stay in business: have something that’s more accessible (think all those Porsche and Lambo and, yes, Maserati SUVs) so money can be made, and supercars can be built.
Alejandro DeTomaso bought Maserati in 1976, and was determined to make something regular-rich people could afford instead of crazy-rich people, and he succeeded, if you look at the numbers. Think about this: when DeTomaso bought Maserati in 1975, that year the company had built 201 cars. You know how many Biturbos were sold? 40,000. I think he accomplished what he set out to do.
Plus, even if Craig Cheetham thinks the design looks boring – and it is a fairly understated design for Maserati – it’s undeniably handsome, I think. Compared to other executive car/sports coupés like the Mercedes-Benz 190E or a BMW E30, it’s downright striking-looking.
And that engine! Twin turbos in 1981! These were 90° V6s ranging from two to 2.8-liters in size, and making between 185 and 225 horsepower, depending on year and if it was carbureted or fuel-injected, and so on. These were quick cars, going from 0-60 in 6.7 seconds! Hell, a Maserati Merak from around the same time took 7.8 seconds to do that, and everyone thinks that’s a genuine exotic sportscar. The Biturbo was faster, more practical, and cheaper!
Plus, look at these interiors:
The Biturbo had genuinely amazing interiors, opulent seas of leather and wood and craftsmanship, down to one of the most ostentatiously and gloriously scrotal shift boots known to human culture. Those seats, too! They’re incredible!
Did they break down? Was the reliability garbage? Yes, of course it was! But was it worse than any other Italian sports car with a badge with a horse or bull or snakes eating people or whatever? No. There were just more Biturbos around for people to encounter. But they really weren’t any worse than any other member of their particular finicky breed.
I don’t think a car that looks and sounds and feels like this really deserves to be in a “worst cars” book:
Sure, it’s probably a money pit, but it does deliver on the character and drama and thrill and soul aspects of a car, which are incredibly important; these aren’t hot water heaters, after all, they’re irrational, emotional machines.
I mean, look at this engine:
Even before I imagine what a bill may be like to get it to stop doing whatever it shouldn’t be doing or start doing the things it should, I get a little weak in the knees. It’s a beautiful machine.
Modern Maserati wouldn’t exist without the Biturbo, no matter what horror stories you think you heard from your dad’s friend’s dentist’s ex-squash partner’s older brother. These put Maserati on a path to actually staying around (you know, roughly) and are compelling cars, period.
So, I say, grab that book and yank out page 287. The Biturbo is going bye.
Hold on, as i rip out these pages in accordance with your instructions, which cars are on the other side of each leaf?
Are we accidentally giving a pass to actual ‘worst’ cars by removing them as collateral damage?
I’ve always liked the way these look, much better than modern Maseratis.
You know, I am surprised that somebody hasn’t made a business of rectifying the faults of these cars and making them bulletproof. It reminds me of how it turned out the fatal flaws of the MGA twin cam could be easily resolved by a different gasket material on the intake manifold.
A megasquirt conversion would probably take care of most of the problems.
They sure are pretty..
When there was no this article series yesterday, I was wondering what car that even Jason could not redeem
Style wise it looked like an Italian E30 and the analog clock was chef’s kiss. Unfortunately that twin turbo engine made the Cadillac HT4100 look robust. Biturbos are up there with the Citroën SM and BMW 750il in the PCH pantheon so for once Mr. Cheetham is half right.
You know, after reading his actual words (thanks to cropping the page), Mr Cheetham sounds like a real ass.
Most extra details in the interior are the little leather covers over the headrest posts.
Also, 4-bolt Biturbo wheels look sweet on Fiat Spiders.
Now THAT’S a good car: the Fiat Spider.
These are far from ugly, they have the perfect 80s look. The one pictured in the article parked (broken down lol) on the side of the road with the Gotti wheels, even more perfect 80s look.
The big problem with the Biturbo compared to a similarly highly-strung Ferrari or Lambo was that its’ body wrote checks its’ mechanicals couldn’t cash, in the opposite sense that’s normally used. That clean, sensible 3-box profile fairly screamed practical daily driver, but it just didn’t have the reliability of one. Add in that while it was by no means a cheap car, it cost half to a third as much as a true exotic and only slightly more than a 3-Series so it was far more likely to be an only car.
I think that the “only car” thing probably is what did it in if it were a more expensive second car, If a problem cropped up the owner would take it to the dealer to get serviced. But when it’s your only car, you just drive it even if the temperature looks a tad warm or there is a funny noise you can’t quite identify, or you are late to work so you don’t let it warm up, or worse you don’t let it idle while the turbos cool. You might even park it outside.
If they charged twice as much the reliability would probably have been fine.
A distant family member who’d made it in oil and was living in LA bought one of these for his entitled daughter’s 18th. My dad’s comments to me were ‘looks like a dual headlamp Citation’ and ‘just wait and see’. Sure enough next conversation my dad mentioned the Maserati to which there was stony silence. The car would constantly overheat and break down, the a/c had broken down at the same time as the electric windows, and a whole load of other stuff I can’t remember. The car had been sold (or taken back) and daughter was happily driving a Prelude. Fully deserves to be on the crap car list.
At least they finally replaced the 1921 Olds flatbed.
Biturbo, huh? Well I guess a broken clock is right twice a day.
I nearly spat out my Bloody Mary when I read “gloriously scrotal shift boots.”
I rode in one of these once and the interior is amazing. The GM had a Quattroporte of the same era and it was similarly fragile. The BT was a loaner while the QP was at the dealership, getting something fixed.
I never forget the first ride in Biturbo. Actually, I had asked about the test drive as Biturbo was recently introduced in the United States for 1983 model year. The overwhelmingly overconfident and big shot salesman was too happy to do that. Firstly, the insurance stipulated that he had to drive the car out of the sales centre first and park elsewhere for us to swap the places.
During the initial drive, he was showboating and floored the throttle pedal a several times as to demonstrate the quick acceleration due to two smaller turbochargers. Then, we felt the sickening vibrations and a dull thump. The car suddenly lost power. The instrument clusters went crazy with needles moving back and forth and warning lights illuminating. The odour of oil and water spilling underneath, smoke, and steam came through the grille and HVAC vents. We jumped out of the car quickly, afraid of being incinerated inside the car.
The salesman was mortified and stunned beyond belief. His foolish stunt had destroyed the engine and probably caused him to be permanently persona non grata in the automobile sales. The general manager asked me afterwards whether I was still interested in Biturbo despite the whole “mishape”. No thanks…
Umm, ahh…Maybe next time you shop for a 80’s Maserati, do it at a Chrysler dealership?
That was 1983 when I visited Maserati sales centre for a test drive.
That was before Chrysler showed up at Maserati’s door, holding a measuring cup and asking about borrowing a proverbial cup of sugar (i.e. Chrysler TC by Maserati)…
Italy’s strongest automotive tradition is “looks good, runs bad”
Unfortunately, the interior pic you chose has the digital clock. The analog one is absolutely a piece of art. It alone justifies removing it from inclusion in the book.
This is the first entry that could plausibly belong in a book about the world’s worst cars. Even then, my love for 80s angular design and the opulent interior makes me feel like a cosmetically sorted Biturbo makes for an attractive lawn ornament if nothing else, and if you can get it running it sounds great.
These are one of those cars that look a lot better in person. Still, not sure this is that egregious an entry going by reputation for all kinds of unreliability. Certainly, though, it deserves recognition for the tech if not for the implementation. I’m still grumbling about the inclusion of the Toronado. I think a book with truly worst cars would be too boring for people to pick up while this has a lot of exotic cars most people would be unfamiliar with and a few they might know personally and the mix seems a smart way to pull people in, including non-car people or new car people (these are the types of books I looked at when first getting into cars, though I didn’t buy them).
I always like the styling of these and the Quadroporte of the era. Like a really finely tailored Italian suite. With a very unhealthy person inside.